Yes, I am seriously going to be talking pretty deep in to this post about…my life. You probably don’t care but whatever, I feel the need to say what’s on my chest for a very long time. I have thought for a really long time whether or not I wanted to post something like this, but right now, in this situation I am having right now at the moment…I really feel the need to. OK, here we go.
Have you ever felt sometimes that life is jut not fair? Like you try to make things right for yourselves and then life just smacks it away? Well, what I’m trying to say is, have you ever felt like that life is not worth living for? Yes, depression.
I believe, (from my own research and history of past self) that I have a form of depression and social anxiety. I did not get any professional help, which I am considering since it is taking a toll more regularly, but I don’t have the money to get help. Sometimes throughout the day, I typically spend with people I love, care and COMFORTABLE with. Having social anxiety is basically being afraid of social interactions and scared of being judged, and all that. NOT to be mistaken as being afraid of people- that’s Anthropophobia.
When I was little, I was brought up to a very conservative household. MY mom is a Christian and she highly believed to dress appropriately, no makeup, no dating boys, blah blah and all that. And, I didn’t have a lot of time hang out with other kids as well. I thought I was just shy, my grandparents always said I was shy and I would just grow out of it. Well…it hasn’t.
This shyness is not shyness anymore. I believe its more like social anxiety. Every single time I go out, I feel like people are always looking at me, thinking “who is she? she’s weird!” or “ew, look at her”. Yeah, pathetic thoughts like those. I was always self conscious about myself and just felt like I’m in my own little bubble. I’ve lost touch with my childhood friend since we never went to the same high school. MY only closest friend I have is someone who is sooo talkative and social with everyone and so opposite of me. But she’s still by my side. Though sometimes I see on Facebook that she’s out with other friends, which, to be completely honest makes me jealous and makes me feel alone again. In college I made a few friends as well, I feel extremely comfortable with them, but they left to another program. I try to still maintain touch but I am so scared I will lose them as well.
I guess, I’m afraid to lose the people I care and enjoy being with. There are some days when I wake up I feel amazing, I feel happy and life’s great. Then there’s the days (feels more frequently) when I feel crappy, I feel like shit. I even cry randomly just thinking about those thoughts. And those thoughts are usually the times when either I see my best friend out with other people., or I haven’t heard from anyone in a long time or even just because of feeling randomly depressed about past fears and worries.
Sometimes I wished, what if my childhood friend went to the same high school as me- I would still have her with me, we were together like glue, or whatever saying. Basically I wished I still had her in my life, someone who will always be there for me, someone who won’t go off and have fun with another friend, someone who would call me and to hang out specifically for me. Yeah…I am not speaking as if I am in love with her…I just want to know and to have someone that genuinely cared and hang out with me.
A real person is someone who actually can truly listen and care for what people with social anxiety is going through. We may not look like we want to talk, but we are fun and interesting once you give us a chance. Maybe I’d like someone to give me a chance.
God, this is such a ramble post. I’m sorry. I am just feeling down and need a place to write it all in. I don’t know really how to make myself feel better. I took tests online and I usually score mid-high in social anxiety. But I Know things will get better. I try to think positive everyday but there are some things that really bring me down. I hope life gets better…I really do. Again, sorry for the depressing rambling post.