Hey y’all! I know what you’re going to say…its been a while. But I’m here…and alive, hopefully.
I’m just here to type some of my thoughts down really quick, and the first thing you’re probably wondering is why I titled the post “the world isn’t half bad”. Well, its kinda of the world I see through my eyes. No, I’m not going to be all philosophical or whatever, its just lately, I guess I have been getting all sorts of mood swings. As you may or may not know, I do suffer from Social Anxiety, and it weighs heavily on my life. But the thing is, I don’t always “feel”it, if that makes any sense.
Like, one day I would wake up happy, I usually go and check my instagram (which I’m still deciding whether I should share it) and see if Kris or any sorts of info has been released/posted, but that doesn’t usually determine my day. LIke I said, I would just wake up…happy 🙂 . But…there are days (more of them, mind you) that I wake up, feeling lost, depressed, not motivated…unhappy. Maybe I also have bi-polar, but I just hate the ups and downs in life. I know in life, there will always be ups and downs, that’s what makes life interesting and not boring. But my life, I feel like I have a lot of downs. I make myself think my life is a downwards spiral. I try my best to not think negatively, or the past , or what someone said etc, but I always end up thinking of it, and making myself feel unworthy, worthless, scared, and well, unhappy.
For example, you may think this is a stupid reason to be worrying, but I have decided today to go out and hand out resumes in the mall. (because I also desperately need money, and need to not spend any more time with my dad). I was petrified, I don’t know if I was worried about the journey there ( I had to take the bus) or if it was going up to people and asking if they were hiring. -__- Like, honestly, it was both. I was scared. But I MADE myself scared. I somehow talked myself in and out of it, I was having a internal debate with myself! I feel like, if my mind wasn’t so negative and if I looked at things in another perspective, things won’t go into chaos and I wouldn’t have to worry so much. So, I kept telling myself, “its going to be OK, think of the outcomes/goals that could come out of this”. And those goals would be, getting a job, which means experience, staying away from my dad, I have something to do (or purpose in life)….and getting money. And I have, I guess a long term goal, is to save up some extra money, so that one day I could go and meet Kris. Yeah.
I tried to thrive on that goal. And, with one step outside, I was heading towards the bus stop. DOn’t get me wrong, I am not a hermit, and I’m not afraid of people, I just clam up in front of them because 99.9% of the time I don’t know what to say to them back! So after handing out all of my resumes, I felt relieved, and in a way, happy for myself. I came back home feeling like I did something worth while. I guess, taking that risk felt good. More than good…amazing.
I guess the lesson of the post here is to take risks. Even though you may THINK it sounds like its the end of the world if you do take it… but its not. You just need to train your mind to think that its going to be OK, and to look at the goals/results that could benefit, if you do take that risk. I really have to try to not talk myself out of things and just……go for it.
Anyways, sorry for the random post and my ramblings. I just needed to get this out of my chest. So, in the eyes of a person with SA….the world isn’t half bad, you just need to give it a chance.