Learning new things… is scary…

Hey everyone again, I just need to write some of these things down to try to get some of the stress off my chest… Ok here it goes… (and you probably know what the topic is going to be about..)

So, about a week or 2 ago, my friend from college got hired at a Studio. Naturally, it felt bitter sweet, because I was happy for him and at the same time, I felt like crap because I personally didn’t get anything. He applied to a position where he had to do compositing and this other one that’s called a “Stereo artist”. Of course, we both graduated from the same school with animation, and being a stereo artist and compositor isn’t exactly animation. Though its more like under the same umbrella and stuff, but it’s still way different from animation.

He told me about the job posting before he got hired and said I should try it out. I was hesitant because I was afraid. I was scared to try new things, don’t get wrong I like to try new things…to a certain extent. I was afraid to learn a whole new line of work; I tried reading up on what a stereo artist does…and honestly, I tried, but I really couldn’t understand it. I’m a visual learner, I need someone to literally show me step by step what it actually means. The only plus side to it all is that it’s in a city that’s not too far from where I live. And not only that, since my friend got hired, I was thinking I have someone I know in that city and could possibly house together.

Ok ,so a week ago, I applied and just yesterday…..they called me back. 😮 Yeah, they called me, and I was in total shock. At first, to be really honest, I was so happy. I literally thought that morning, “Hm,…I wonder if I got that job?” and there you have it, they called me that afternoon. But then the anxiety started to set in, and I was like..” am I really going through with this?” and “I have to call them back…crap..” And of course, being the person blessed with social anxiety…I didn’t call them back. -__-

So here I am, typing this the next day, I’ve been thinking about it all morning and night, even losing sleep over something so stupid. I just don’t know if I should go with it. I trained for 3 years to be an animator, and I like animating (I should do more animating though, may i add) … but this stereo artist stuff, is not in my field..literally.

And You’re probably asking, “then why on earth did you even bother applying?” Well, because I felt intimidated that my friend got something and I didn’t. This was my fear, when I was back in college. I had thoughts like, “wow, after all this, I have to find work…” “how can I work when I’m so scared all the time?” and that fear came true…6 months now, since I graduated, I haven’t worked.
I applied to retail and only 2 has called me back, and because I was also looking for a full time in animation they decided not to hire me. As for animation, 2 placed called me, the one in Vancouver and now…the one from yesterday.

Another thing to is that, my friend said they give you a 2 day tutorial, and then a test afterwards, so I don’t know if they actually teach you and stuff, but he said he had to do a simple bouncing ball exercise. You`re also thinking, “well thats good, they teach you and everything.. whats the problem?” honestly…the problem is the fact, I don’t really want to learn it. I want to just do animation stuff, and maybe down the road I’ll try something else. I know…stupid stubborn me…:(

Sighs, I’m just so scared I won’t be able to get anything. It embarrassing already that my family members ask me about my job hunt, or seeing old friends asking me what’s up and I tell them, I still don’t have a job. It sucks. 😦 I don’t know anymore. To be honest…I have felt depressed over and over, and sometimes I feel like disappearing. I Just want to forget about it all…

BUt then I think of my mom, which I care so much. >_< uuugh, I don’t even know, I don’t think I will go with that job, I tried to convince myself millions of times, but I just ended up crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe its also because there was another opening at a studio in Ottawa, (which is even farther..) but that was a animation position. A layout artist to be exact,and they don’t require experience at all! Yes it farther, but at least I know what I’m doing.. I’m not doing some project like a chicken with its head cut off. The thing is with that, is that I tried applying to that place yesterday, but gmail sent the email back and said it didn’t go through or something -__- I’m just hoping I would at least get a chance to send it in, please…I rather do that instead of this…. (watch me freak out later about it…)

Anyways..this is longer than I wanted, I just wanted to vent out. I didn’t sleep well last night because of you know what, and worrying about not being able to send my email is bad enough. I hope things do get better…I pray that I’ll be able to get a job that I can handle… >.< Hoping that things will get better….

Instagram…..

Hey everyone! This will be a short..and a rather random post, but like the title says, its going to be about Instagram. Now, I’m still debating whether I should reveal my instagram account…so yeah 😛 maybe next time

So, I guess the problem, well its stupid really, is I get so much anxiety when I post things on instagram. In the beginning, I didn’t know how it worked, like I didn’t know how hashtags worked and tags etc. But now I do, and all and all its fun. Its just that…every time I post something, I get really really anxious and nervous. Why? Blame my social anxiety.

I get super scared that no one would like my pictures. Yeah. That’s it. You’re probably thinking, “who caaaares what others think” or “just post what you like!”..yeah well, I try to think that way. I try to take “nice” pictures, and Photoshop them afterwards lol I post up a variety of stuff, from selfies to food to Kris! Like, my instagram has no theme, which probably explains the reason why people are “confused” when they look at it, and I guess feel compelled to like the stuff.

Like for example, just the other day (I don’t know what gave me the idea to do so) I posted a selfie pic along with Kris in the same picture. OK, I just kinda got inspired by some people, and I was like what the heck, lets do that. So I posted it up, and already I knew…it wasn’t going to be good. Like, I knew there weren’t going to be many likes. Because for 1, I posted it kinda late (around 3 pm) and the people on the other side of the world (Asia etc) are asleep..sooo they won’t see it. And 2, those people who were awake on that side of the world, most likely won’t like a picture if theres a girl next to their celeb crush….because lets be honest here…in my opinion, that’s how I feel whenever I see something like that. And 3, people on the same side as I am will look at it as, “who is this random Asian dude?” “is the selfie person a girl or that guy?” SO ITS CONFUSING. Or…maybe my picture just doesn’t look that great, I looked at it again and I was like uuuuggh -.-
So my point is, I guess ever since that incident, I feel really anxious. Like all the time. It makes me second guess all of the things I do/ post. Because, today, I posted a picture of the book I was reading, and really loved it and posted it up. Now, I got inspired by another person, who took a picture of her leg and on the side of the picture there was her laptop and some books. Ok, that made me want to take a similar picture. So I posted it that way, and uploaded it. Then in like less than 2 hours, I only got 2 likes…uuuh, yu don’t know how stupid and embarrassed I felt. Again, I blame the stupid social anxiety. And then I start nit picking at how my leg looked funny, and that the picture’s colour looked off….and so…i friggin deleted it. -.-

Sighs, you see, I don’t know what got into me, I’m just scared of people…not liking my stuff. I know, you can’t force people to like your stuff and you can’t be a people pleaser, but I just, can;t seem to be happy with anything that I do. 😦 I’ve always had low self esteem and no confidence, its just hard. Maybe the reason why I’m feeling this way is because I’ve been home for 3 days straight now >_< still no job, its super windy out there, I can't take a quick walk. I need something to do so pass my time…I feel like staying at home is relaxing, but its also depressing because I think about stupid things like no one liking my pictures! Like really!?!? 😦 I need…something to do..something to strive on. sighs….anyways this is longer than I hoped, I just needed to vent, even right now my heart is pounding like crazy because I checked the 2nd upload and it was only 1 like -_- Whatever, I'm just going to forget it… I don't know if any of yu feel the same way, but I'm trying my best to cope through this. I'm really trying…