Update..I guess?

Hello everyone,

Just giving a quick update about where my life is going (if anyone cares ha..)

OK, so in my previous post, I talked about the job I applied to. Well, I ended up going with it..I did the evaluation test just a week and few days ago. So…since then I have been absolutely anxious and curious about how I did.

Until, a few days ago, I got a phone call from them. Being the person that I am, I didn’t call them back right away. But the thoughts that were going through my mind, I was wondering “why did they call”, “did they hire me?” ” Did I do good?” and then the other thoughts came in…”oh no, what if I do get hired, I will have to see them again..see my other coworkers as well!” -__- yeeah, because let’s just say, the evaluation day was pretty hard on me. The work itself was easy..but the people, omg..I couldn’t even muster any courage to say anything to them. Why didn’t I talk about this before..I’m sorry..

So, all this time I have been so anxious and worried about what they want, if I got hired, stuff like that. It took me 2 days to get all my shit together, and the day of (today) I had to call them. I kept telling myself of the good things that could happen if I do get hired and the dreams that I want to achieve.

I called them back..and…

They didn’t hire me.

Yeah, I didn’t get it. But, they said they had another job for me that was for sure. That’s, if they can finalize everything and decide to go and hire another bunch for that section.

I was honestly…devasted. Ironic right? All this time, I was worried and losing so much sleep over something like this, and I finally got the courage to go and call and see what’s up…and they I didn’t get picked. Yeah, ok, there is possibly of another opportunity, but to go through all that trauma and stress all over again? Sighs..I don’t even know if I can handle all that.

I have had suicidal thoughts again (before I had to make the call), I wanted to run away and never do this ever again…but I don’t know, my “reasonable” thoughts told me, “You have a whole life ahead of you, you’re going to miss out on everything, you won’t be able to see Kris at all” <– yeah, that thought too.

Sighs…I don’t know what has become of me. I have become such a sad person…I can never be happy about anything. Everytime something happens, I always think the worse and the negative part of it. I even think…”Why am I even here..?” >.<

Anyways, apparently they are supposed to contact me by the end of the week, and if I don’t hear from them I should call (oh yaay…). sighs

I pray every night about my anxiety and my depression…I’m just so tired…I hope things will get better soon…please…