Feeling…kinda lost again. As you guys have already or not know, is that I have Social Anxiety. I don’t want to think I have a severe case of it, but I definitely do have it, and it’s not minor I guess.
My normal, typical day would be that I wake up, check my phone (instagram, reply to friends) eat breakfast, draw, eat lunch, work out, play some pokemon lol, dinner, computer time (either watch shows/animes, do animation), get ready to bed..and then try to sleep.
Sounds like a comfortable, nice relaxing day, huh? Well, I thought it was, a couple of months ago, after all that stressful homework during College and all, and now its like a culture shock for me. Actually I’ve been getting used to it, I’m trying to keep myself busy and stuff, but sometimes, there are days when it really just…sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I like…doing stuff on my own. I like to draw, it “entertains” me, if you will, and I love to hang out with family and close friends and stuff, but I mean…I could only do that for so long.
I think, the more everyday seems like, the same old thing..I get worried, tired, scared and just..well depressed because its been the same old thing. Now, I’m a person who doesn’t like “change.” Especially when that change is something I know I can’t handle. For example, getting a part time job. And you know how well I handled that one… -_- I know deep down that I’m supposed to work, because 1, I graduated from College already, and 2, I’m an Adult…in my head, adults are supposed to work, not stay at home and blah blah blah…
Yeah, adults can go back to school if they change their minds about their professions, but psychologically in my head, if I do, I feel like I’m behind my age group, and I’m supposed to be working, you know? Anyways, it all roots down to my anxiety..and my capabilities to go to social places, and try my best to survive out there.
So the more I am at home, the more I feel like the anxiety is beating me. That’s why, I think going out as much as possible is the best thing for me. It makes me think I’m “doing something” and “showing myself to the world…”, and I’m not just stuck at home, doing the same old thing, even though I really enjoy doing all of that.
Sometimes I get these thoughts, I feel lost and hopeless because everyone is moving on, except me. LIke I’m stuck in time, sort to speak. Honestly, getting a job won’t make me happy. It would probably make me even that more stressed and worried. But that thought of having a job, the thought of “doing something” and doing something what Adults are supposed to do, propels me to want a job badly, despite my fear.
Sighs, I also try to think of my goals..but sometimes my lost days are too strong, I end up feeling sorry for myself anyways. Another thing that makes things worse, is that I let random things to dictate my happiness. Every little bad thing that happens, I let it get to me, Big time. I’m trying to stop making myself worry…but its so much easier said than done..
OK, what am I even talking about here? Sorry…this is just some random rants/thoughts..I want to be a better person. I want to be stronger, mentally and physically ( I guess..?) Hoping to a better year, because damn last year was crap. I’m really trying my best to be happy with everything that I have, and to not take things for granted. To appreciate even the smallest bit of happiness in my life. Maybe then, I’ll train my mind to stop worrying..and hopefully won’t be a sad mess.
Anyways, till next time, you guys.