Being Unapproachable..

OK, so this post is going to be another SA related posts. Like before, I am writing this on a day before  I posted, because I have no itnernet….still -_-

So, just a few days ago, we had my sister’s birthday party. Because it was sister’s party, we had to host it ourselves. (Usually these parties are only family related, so no friends came over.) And so, the party began, I was busy cooking the dumplings I made and looked after some of the other food on the stove. IN a way, I was glad that I was in charge of cooking, that way I don’t look like I”m doing nothing.

The party began and my relatives started to come in. At frist it was OK because I was cooking, and not everyone arrived. But as soon as everyone came, it got a little…awkward. Now, some people may say that they don’t click well with their cousins…and some get along with them nicely, it all depends. I was fortunate to have, you can say “nice” cousins, cousins and relatives that are generally good people. Wow, I make it sounds like family is a terrible thing D: I didn’t mean that..

Anyways, the point of this post is that, I don’t think I’m an approachable person. I’ve been told that I look “cold” and that I don’t care, so people don’t bother to approach me…or are afraid of approaching me. It may be related to the whole SA thing, but I am starting to realize it. Because recently during family parties, I noticed that more of my cousins go talk to my sister more than me. My sister,  she is also shy but I wouldn’t say she has SA.

It just got me thinking (stress thinking)…am I really that hard to talk to? Am I really that…”scary”? I don’t know, mentally I feel like I’m just being me. SOmetimes when I  “act like I don’t care” its because I want to hide my shyness. There is this wall/border thing I put up whenever I meet new people, or people who I don’t usually talk to a lot, and I guess that wall symbolizes my “coldness”, if you will. I put it up so that it makes me feel better than to let my shy side show…does that make any sense? eh it makes sense in my head ;__;

Like,  I rather show that I don’t care, than show them that I’m afraid to talk to them. I think that makes more sense. Anyways, during the party, my sister was always being talked to, which left me in the distance, (mind you I was cooking, but right after I felt like I was left there…) So I would hang around her, in hopes that someone would say something to me.

I am obviously not the initiative type, I want people to come up to me. I can’t just go up to someone and start chatting away, even if I wanted to, I get all anxious and start stuttering. Sighs, maybe I’m not the only one, but I feel like people mistaken us as cold people. We want to be talked to. We want to feel welcomed and included. Alright fine, we may look like a pissed off bitch…but inside we’re not. (Well…) We just want to be given a chance, even though we may not look like we would appreciate it, you know?

That’s all I ever want. I feel that people can only wait so much, if they feel you’re not worth talking to because you don’t say much, their not going to bother with you anymore. There going to ignore you because you didn’t contribute before hand.

OK Man, ok this posts doesn’t even make sense. Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe I’m feeling this way is because during that day I had to show my new demo reel. And so all that other stress on top of this problem was just too much for me. Am I the only one who feels this way? I’m so strange aren’t I….

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