I don’t want to give up…but…

Hey everyone..I got another rant here, and its something that’s been on my mind 24/7. I just don’t know anymore. I feel like I can’t fully be happy. I mean, obviously there are things in life that will get you down, and having a positive mindset helps a lot but…..for me it’s so hard. >.< So, it all revolves around being still unemployed.It has been now over a year since I last graduated…and I still haven’t found anything yet. It is so frustrating and pathetic….I so feel hopeless…

On average, I probably apply to maybe 6ish openings in a week, I’m doing it more frequently and am applying to places that are not even hiring. I’m that desperate. Everyone wants experience…how am I supposed to get it, if no one gives me a try? That’s pretty much my whole life…i feel like no one gives me a chance to open up..and they just leave.. anyways why am i comparing that?

2015 is halfway gone…and it’s scary, because I’m so afraid that I won’t find anything for this year either. I don’t care about the money (for now), I just want experience. I want to be able to finally update my resume and say that I did this and that. The thing is, I keep reading everywhere that its good to connect and network. How can I do that…I\m not putting the blame on my social anxiety..but its so hard for me. I can’t go to a place and talk, heck I can’t even put myself out there in the first place. Back in school, I was doing well, (or at least my profs said so) and it really made me feel that I was doing something awesome for once. And now after graduation…its like, everything is all gone.

I’m so lost and typing this up is making me cry..( I’m at the library again…can’t cry yet…). I’ve applied to countless openings, and nothing. I even found very suitable ones, like ones that don’t want experience or what not and still nothing. The thing is, I got this one reply from the studio in my city, and they asked me to do a test. I was so happy, and replied saying I would love to do one. A week later…they never sent me the test. So I followed up and now it’s almost a week has passed….still no response. If they weren’t even interested in the first place, why the hell do they bother to ask me to do a test… When I saw that email, I knew I should get my hopes up and be all happy, but of course, I was happy because it had been a while. And now look, it was all for nothing. I’m back to square 1.

Everyone is getting ahead of me..even I feel like my sister is getting ahead of me. (as the previous posts can tell..) what should I do? I keep telling myself, it will get better. I know very well that getting a job won’t make me happier, heck it’s going to drive my stress level and anxiety to a whole new level. But…I would feel like this is what I’m supposed to do and that I’m on the right track. I pray every night for something, even if it’s just another opening. I’m at the library again and haven’t found another opening. I really do hope and pray that I would find something…I said that in a post probably a year ago, and look at me now.

The scary thing is that…at least once a day, I would have suicidal thoughts. Yeah. I just…hope it doesn’t come down to that. sighs…hoping for a miracle..somewhere…

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