I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.

Quick update

Hey all….it’s been…a while, yes, did you see that coming? Anyways, like the title it’s just kinda like a little update, and pretty much what the title is about. Quick update……yes….still on the job hunt. I’ve actually went to a job fair (more like forced myself to go) about a month ago. I actually “diary vlogged” myself going through that “rough time” as it was super stressful and my anxiety was shooting up to the roof… it was not fun. But I made myself go, and well, I didn’t get any offers…but the fact I did my best and went to the studios that I aimed for, I felt proud of myself for doing that….
About that diary log…I actually filmed that for my YouTube channel. It’s something I wanted to try out, but yeah, I just felt like sharing it and other videos I film on my copious amounts of spare time. Not sure yet if I feel comfortable about linking my channel….but..maybe one day… You could kind of say, my YouTube channel is a more “PG” rated version of this blog..lol, because of the fact that I don’t curse on there, and that I don’t go in full detail to how I’m feeling. Not saying I’m acting fake on it, but I do put up some wall so not everything is shown- you know? In my blog is definitely a lot more personal…

 

Anyways, after this post there’s going to be a hella serious posts. I’m going through another shit time.. so yeah.