I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.

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My First “Embaressing” Cosplay Experience

Hey everyone, I was way too lazy to post this up (I typed this a week ago tbh) , but anywho a week ago I attended Anime North 2016! From previous posts, you may have noticed that I’ve attended Anime North for the last 2 years, and this year would be my 3rd year. I did something a little different though.
I decided to cosplay.
I’m not sure if I mentioned that in last months posts, but anyways, I decided to cosplay. Before we start with the whole Anime North post, I just want to kinda go in depth with how everything all went down. I was Mikaela ♥ from Owari no Seraph/ Seraph of the End. This post will kinda solely just be how I felt throughout the whole thing. My Anime North haul will be either after this post or before but yeah.

 
So, from my last Anime North 2015 post, I noted saying that I wanted to cosplay. Up until 2 months from now (beginning of April ish), I had a sudden drive to actually cosplay. So I went on Youtube and found a youtuber that really made me want to do it all the more. So she just inspired me even more, I just had to. Seeing her vlogs with her group of friends dressing up as characters from their favourite anime, just made me really happy and excited for Anime North. Mind you, she tends to go to a different con almost twice a month, so she’s got her fair share of chances to dress up and everything.

 

So back to the point, she inspired me a lot more. And so the past 2 months I’ve been doing just that. I felt so excited, especially in April, I was binge watching her vlogs and her tips on cosplay and she just looked like she had so much fun. And I guess, that’s when I started to have this image or idea in my head, that when I cosplay, everything is going to look amazing and cool and just….WOW. And boy did I have high expectations, and boy did it disappoint me.

 
Fast forward a few days ago, my mom and I were finishing up the last bits of my costume (we stayed up to finish until close to 2am the day before the con -_-) and managed to get everything all finished. I did several makeup tests and practiced on putting on a wig throughout the month so I made sure that on the day of, I wouldn’t be surprised and everything would seemingly go smoothly and “According to plan”. I’m a type of person that has high expectations of myself, people and how the day would pan through. Because I Had this mental image of that youtuber having so much fun with her friends…I kinda expected I Would be having a great time too. I know it all sounds so dumb…but really, maybe I was just delusional into thinking everything will run perfectly…sighs..

 
So I dressed up, it was extremely embarrassing at first, I had to commute on the train and all of these “normal” people stared at me and it was just making my anxiety just shoot up. But once I met up with my guy friend, (he was in cosplay too), things were a bit better. I have some pics….(not sure if I’ll take it down tho)

 

We got to the con a little late which was alright I guess, but it was just severely hot. I felt my whole body just dripping with sweat and I was just thinking, how the hell will I manage to survive the whole day?! We went and ate some lunch before we picked up our badge, and as we sat outside to eat I got to look and see everyone all in their costumes as well. I felt much better. I even saw characters that were from the same series as me, which kinda made me feel better but at the same time made me feel like, “omg, there’s more of us from that anime.” yeah, why did it affect me negatively, I dunno I’m stupid like that ok.

 
I think 6 or so people came up to me and asked me for a photo. Which I was just so surprised because I looked I dunno…weird -_-. But they did and I was just a mess but I didn’t turn them down because that’s rude, and I didn’t even practice my poses and whatever, I wasn’t even expecting to be asked for a photo but anyways, it was a nice experience but awkward because I just can’t do posing right…and I Keep thinking I look dumb..

 
So the day went on, the heat got worse and it was just so unbearable we had to keep going back to the room that had decent air con. I forgot to mention there was a group photoshoot from the series that my character was in, and at first I really wanted to go. But then, as soon as the day went on, I felt more and more nervous and I saw a good handful of people cosplaying as MIkaela. I requested to my friend we do a solo photoshoot, and lets say it didn’t go according to plan. There were many factors to it; mainly my physique wasn’t ideal (at least to me) I felt chubby all around and the photos didn’t turn out all that nice in my opinion, and I guess also what I wanted in the shots, my friend couldn’t really replicate it properly so everything for that solo shoot was kinda…..disappointing in a way.

 

But after all of that, we walked to the group photoshoot and I literally felt my anxiety spike up more. The more i Got closer, I saw so many of us from the anime and I was just super anxious and nervous and terrified. Despite all of us are nerds, I was so scared. I almost backed out because I was still not confident in my cosplay (even though it looked decent and I am happy with it), but seeing the others; some looked amazing and it intimidated me to be honest because it was so breathtaking. But my friend pushed me to go, and I thought I would definitely regret if I didn’t go…so I just went and joined the crowd. We kinda went a little late and in a way that’s a good thing because we just went right into the photoshoot.
Everything went well, until 3 incidences came up. With me, I’m the type if even the smallest, insignificant thing happens, my day goes to shit. It will bring my mood down, I would feel crappy for the rest of the day and I would be thinking about it my whole life. Yes, I”m just that hard on myself and I dunno, maybe that’s why I complain and am depressed a lot because like I said in the beginning, I have high expectations on myself and everyone and everything around me. So the shoot went on, and we had this pairing photoshoot, and in the series there is a really popular ship (I totally ship it to the max), and that includes me (Mika) and Yuu. So there were tons of MIkas (I think 9 of us? ) and there was like probably 8 Yuus, and you can already tell….we have 1 too many Mikas.

 

So the pairing started and I at the time didn’t know how many of us Mikas, were there, I just knew there were too many Mikas, I just didn’t know we were off by 1, you know? So I was looking around and hopefully find my Yuu (if you watched the series, this is just totally otp ok). And then I see this guy who was Yuu looking just as confused and I quickly waved my hands to him and he went over to me and we did this pose together. I looked over and some of the pairs were getting into the whole pairing thing (which is fine because like I said, otp) so my partner put 1 arm around me and you know what I did? I wrapped BOTH arms around him so it’s like this weird hug, like 1 arm around the back and the other across the front, does that make sense? In the anime, Mika hugged Yuu like that..so I was in character…but I’m just thinking right now (because I just always overthink things), I was probably way to “clingy” and too straightforward, you know? I’m pretty sure I may have made the guy…uncomfortable which I regret so much..and I’m so embarrassed because…I dunno why I did that… (( Yeah, If that guy so happens to reads this, I dunno how….but I apologize if I weirded you out…? I was just trying to be in character and everything…ugh..I apologize… >___<)) Here was this pose I was picturing in my head…….. Yeah, kinda like that >o< I was the blonde guy btw

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So the host told us to switch poses and said we should do the iconic pose that Mika and Yuu does in the opening credits. I’ll insert a pic here to show you what I mean.

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And so my partner was like, “I don’t want to do that with someone I don’t know.” and I literally was like…OK..I get it, he’s probably just so uncomfortable with me and we just stood there awkwardly because everyone else was doing it and we just stood there…fuck it literally hurts when I’m rethinking of it. I’m not saying I’m pissed he didn’t cooperate, I feel like if I didn’t hug him the way I did, he may have felt more comfortable…I dunno….

 
So after, the host told us to switch and do this other pose, and it involves Yuu stabbing Mika..I know, if you don’t know the series, I’m sure it sounds morbid but, anyways. My partner didn’t have a sword and he kinda went off to the side and said something like he didn’t have a sword and some random person lent him one. He came back, and there was another Mika on the end (not sure if she was there before tho) and he literally turned and did the pose with the other MIka. So pretty much, he ditched me and I stood there like……so awkward and just…walked out of the stage. As soon as those things happened…I wanted to leave. I didn’t know what else to do, I was embarrassed and just….everything wasn’t going well…

 

The last shit thing that happened was pretty much similar to the 2nd one, and it was me being left out. I’m not the initiative type, I don’t just go up to someone and act (even though I hugged the guy, it was out of pure “I-have-to-strike-a-pose-do-something” type of thing and I just acted on that). There was just another pose and we had to do and yeah, I was the odd man out, and I left the stage again. I didn’t hear this clearly, (my mind could have made me form it differently) but I overheard someone say, “Why does that one keep walking out”. And I was just….so done…..I had enough…

 

This may all seem extremely stupid and you’re probably thinking, it’s all for fun why be so serious and worry about such small things…but I’m just like that. I had this expectation that my cosplay experience will go well and that everything would go perfectly fine just like how that Youtuber was with her group of friends. It went nothing like that, I was left…pretty much upset that nothing lived up to my expectations..and the fact I embarrassed myself out there just really was the cherry on top.

 

Yes, overall the con was great…but like I said, even if just 1 little tiny bad thing happens…the day turns upside down. And pretty much, I tried to keep a happy face for my friend, I did tell him about the general part of what happened, but deep down I Was devastated. I was so dissapointed and upset that it came to that. I’m overthinking this all aren’t I, I’m actually tearing up as I’m typing this because the embarrassment hit me dead hard…..Why can’t I just be happy for once…

 

Anyways, this post is just a more in depth of how everything turned out. I don’t regret going to the group photoshoot, I’m glad I had that experience…I just wished I wasn’t so.. clingy and awkward and just….embarrassing… Not sure if this post will go up before my mini Anime NOrth Haul, but yeah…. sighs…didn’t come back 100% happy…but that’s my life…there’s always something bad to think about…