Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place;¬†they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating¬†whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.

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