Hey all, it’s been a while.. of course it is, I always start off like that.. Well, from the title, you can tell what this post is about. I’m actually currently in a hotel right now (by myself may I add) and typing this..because…I feel like everything is falling apart.
Ok, first off, mentally wise I had a pretty rough week. I was struggling to get my 2 cosplays done and trying to juggle my own random projects and hobbies, but also this week was also the week I had a spontaneous family gathering…and you know how much I love those gatherings! (that was sarcasm….) The famliy party really flew me into a downwards spiral- I came back upset and angry, not going to go into details about it, but I dread them all the time and it just made my whole week crappy.
So going back a few days now, my mental health got worse. I felt like I had constant crying sessions because of stupid things. I would get triggered really easily, I would cry and my heart would just race faster and then I panic…it was an endless cycle of constant negativity. Most of the time, I had absolutely no reason why I felt that way. I should be excited that it was less than a week away from this Anime convention…but for some reason, everything felt like it was crashing down on me.
Also, since my life is just all perfectly timed, I got an email the other day saying a studio wanted me to do a test for them…that’s another thing to worry about now because I really hoped that I could just relax and get back to doing my own projects and stuff……
Now, present day of the convention, I had a really bad morning. I slept better, but not enough. I still had lots to prep for the big day, one being that I had to draw a tattoo on my right arm. I’m right-handed so it felt impossible so I asked my sister to help me. She couldn’t get the tattoo on right, which left me panicking. My parents all left for the car because it was time to go, and I had to lug all of my heavy bags by myself to the car and that was when the water works came. I just got so frustrated an cried…. again, but in front of my parents. My dad gave a strange look and eventually we all managed to get it all in the car. But all that just left my mind in a very bad state and I just couldn’t seem to get back up.
So my friend’s mom was supposed to drive us, but then 2 other passengers came in, which made the car ride packed and uncomfortable. we eventually got to my hotel, and by the way, if I didn’t make it clear enough above…I booked a hotel room….by myself. I”m alone. Social anxiety ftw, am I right? (more sarcasm there…) So I struggled my way up to my room and it was finally nice and quiet. At frist it felt good…but then it all went downhill from there.. (At least to me, it went downhill)
I went ahead and started to do my tattoo. It was a friggin struggle but at that point, I really didn’t care, everything kept going wrong…what could be worse? Oh yeah…the rest of the day. So I did a half assed job with the tattoo, I mean, because it was all on my left hand, I should pat myself on the back…but stilll, it’s terrible. I did my makeup decently and got into my costume. Put on my wig, adjusted it a bit…and for a split second, things felt like it was going ok. WRONG.
apparently my friend’s phone’s service was whack, I wasn’t able to contact him properly. So I was trying to constantly text him so that we could be at the con together at the same time (his hotel was like a 10 minute walk, so he was very close. Mine was a 40 min walk..but there a shuttle bus) And speaking of shuttle bus, that’s another big disappointment. I eventually got out of my room and felt myself getting anxious because 1. I’m dressed up as a character (If I feel like it, I MAY put pics…) and 2. Um…social anxiety, duh.
I walked out and noticed a bunch of people also standing there, at first I was glad because I’m not the only one..but then, it dawned to me that there were all in there groups of friends…and then there was me…standing by myself awkwardly. I can’t even tell you how many times I cursed and regretted at this point. The shuttle bus did not even come and I had to wait almost and hour for it. apparently I heard someone was waiting there 1 1/2 hours there…wtf!?! And oh, this weekend called for pretty bad rain showers and thunderstorms, what a cherry on top! After an hour, the bus finally showed up and I got to the con.
Seeing everyone in there cosplays kinda made me feel better…but then the anxiety kicked in again when I had to walk by myself to the registration line. I kept feeling paranoid and anxious that my wig cap was showing, or that my eyeliner was smudging and all sorts of other crap. I kept looking down and not make eye contact with anyone because….anxiety. I don’t know how much I can stress this enough…
I had to ask 3 different people where the place is because I had no glasses and cannot wear contacts so I’m blind. Eventually got to the line and it was a easy pick up. I tried to text my friend again and again, his response took long due to the service. He also said that they had to change rooms because it was the wrong one…so pretty much I was there by myself….alone….stadning in a corner awkwardly. FUCK EVERYTHING. I really wanted to cry and just go back home to be honest. I look around, everyone was having fun with their groups of friends..I sat in the corner, pretending to touch up my makeup.
A passerby did notice me and said, they liked my costume which made me a wee but happier. But other than that…I was a wallflower..waiting for my friend to show up. And he did…like almost and hour later to be honest, and already the day was 3/4 gone. BY the time we met up, it was almost 7pm. Yeah…
And so the day went on, and it was just different to be honest. I don’t know if it was because I had a rough morning, or rough week rather, but everything just felt like shit for me. I wanted to go to the convention excited and happy to wear my cosplay and show my liking to the character…but I could not feel happy. I was not happy at all. Maybe it was all of the high expectations I had… if you read my 2016 Anime north post, you can see I had a mediocre experience… And so I really wanted to redeem myself, if that makes sense.
And so the evening progressed, another person complimented my cosplay and said it was awesome, which I appreciated. Another person actually asked for a friggin photo…which I awkwardly panicked because i Had no idea what to pose. UGH…that memory is stored with other cringy memeories….fml..
With all that’s been happening, I just could not feel good about it at all… And so the day went on, my friend said his friends were ordering pizza and asked if I wanted to come..but then that would mean I had to stay there and get a crappy shuttle bus late at night…. So I said no…and I left. I did not have dinner…I’m not hungry to be honest, despite only eating a big breakfast today…. When I got back, I felt so relieved and tears just poured down. MY makeup was smudged long ago, my face was gross…. I just wanted this all to end.
I know to an outsiders point of view, this may sound utterly ridiculous. I’m sure when I reads this again months later I would feel the same. But I’ve been looking forward to his event ever since last year ended. I wanted to make my experience better…and yet… Friday felt like shit to me. I felt like shit. LIke I said I was not happy. I could not feel happy…and I think it showed. I wasn’t able to do what I wanted to do..which was have fun and talk to others who share the same interests as me. I know … a person with social anxiety with aspirations like that is ironic, huh?
And now I’m here..in my hotel room alone, tired, frustrated and sad. Saturday I’m planning to be my 2nd character…and I do feel a bit more confident since it’s going to be a girl. Friday’s was a crossplay btw… Like I said I may post pics…I don’t know. I’m sure this is all stupid to read and I’m sorry you had to read such a dumb post (if anyone does read this..). I’m going to head to bed now..and hope that the rest of the weekend will get better from here. Because right now…all I’m thinking is that I made the wrong decision and I regret wasting my money….yeah….