I applied to this place…and…?

Hey everyone, I got a little update to share with you all, and from the title…you probably can guess what happened. About A week and a half ago, first off i didn’t have wifi again and was at the library doing my usual job hunting stuff and came across a posting that was quite ideal for me. It required 1 year experience but for some reason, I applied anyways. Usually when it’s under 2 years, I would apply anyway. So that’s what I did and a week later, I still didn’t have wifi so I was yet again at the library…and I got a response.

I felt my heart pound ridiculously hard and I opened it, reading that they want to meet me and I could schedule a day and time to meet with them. I was at first so in shock, someone actually responded…and noticed me. I of course couldn’t even think straight, closed my email and did other things. But it came going through my mind, all I kept thinking was, ‘Omg…someone wants to see me.’ ‘I have an interview’, ‘I’m going to have to talk to these people.’ , ‘I don’t want to blow this up, but I’m so friggin scared.’ and other random things along those lines.

Later that night, I responded (after talking about it with my mom) I accepted it and set a date and time. The next day they responded, and agreed to the day I chose.

It was like 3 days till the interview, and I was anxious af, you have no idea. I was stressing over the littlest things, and I was divided in my mind- one part of me wants nothing part to do it, I was friggin afraid and the other part wants to do it, I have been waiting so long for this, I’ve prayed every night for something like this, why should I back out? Of course, part of me wanted to do it, maybe it’s because of that face, after you graduate from uni or college, you’re expected to go find work and work in that field you studied in. I was pressured and embarrassed from that I still couldn’t find work and now that someone has noticed me and asked to meet me, I feel that feeling slowly drifting away.
It is now replaced with fear of screwing up and being completely awkward in front of them and not being fun at all.

And so, the day came. My mom actually came with me (not to the interview obviously, but on the commute there as I am shit at directions and also she needed to check the stores around there, but that’s besides the point..) and we actually got lost a bit, the studio was so hidden, I arrived 15 minutes late -_-.

I managed to find it and went in. With palms sweating and heart racing so fast it could pop out, I went into the studio. There was no one there and I kinda stood there awkwardly, and i peeked in a room and I saw some people working there. Of course, being that awkward girl, I ran back and paced back and forth hoping that someone can pop up in front of me. Someone did eventually and I asked for the lady that recruited me and I met her, shook her hand and tried not to be so damn nervous.

I have done some interviews, but this was something I’ve been waiting for a long time and I really didn’t want to mess this up. And, to my surprise, they didn’t ask any of the questions I rehearsed. It’s as if….they kinda wanted me. They talked about the project they are working on and I met with one of the guys working there, and slowly I felt a bit more comfortable there.

At the end, they asked if I was interested and I Just froze. I gave a BS answer and told them if I can get back to them and said it was because of the commute was a pain in the ass. They nodded and I guess looked OK for me to think it through. I shook their hands again and said goodbye quickly rushing out of the building to cool my face.
And so, I emailed them back and accepted it. I’m not going to go in really big detail, but there were some big deciding factors in accepting it, one major one is I was assigned to do a role that is out of my comfort zone. I denied it and I’m afraid that I didn’t make a great impression because of that. But she said I would be starting Mid January next year, and so not only am I not doing that other role, but I don’t have to work yet.

This post is getting rather long, but pretty much up till now, I just want to do well there. I don’t want them to regret picking me, I don’t want to let them down, you know? I mean I know there is a first for everything, and I don’t think she expects me to be senior veteran level, but i feel she hopes that I do “more than my skills can go”, if that makes sense. Sighs, anyways I still feel stressed, especially when I denied doing a certain role and I just feel awfully stupid for doing that…..

ANYWAYS, this is getting hella long, I am very grateful that someone noticed me…and I just hope that everything will go right, I mean, I Just don’t want it to be too troublesome….and of course, I hope that I could still enjoy doing the things I love to do, along with working there. I know commuting is gonna eat away a whole chunk of my day…but I guess that’s how it is in the first place. I guess you can say, I am more genuinely happy than scared, but there’s still a big part of me that’s terrified to the max( and the fact I have to wait till next January to start >.<).

If you read my other posts, you can see how much I wanted a job and here it is, I shouldn’t complain. I prayed every night and well..I guess God did answer. One of them was that I don’t want this year to end and that I still can’t find anything, and just in the beginning of December, something happened. Hm, something to really appreciate and be grateful for.

Alright I’ll go now, I’m just rambling. The next time I’ll post it probably will be about my new job…and I hope I don’t go crazy anxious there… See ya later.

Feeling so Trapped and Lost…

Warning: Swearing cuz I’m depressed af

Hey all, I guess this is another update, and right now we have now moved to the new city. We’ve been here for pretty much a month now, and let’s just say, things have not been easy. The move itself was stressful because we have shit ton of things to carry over, but living her hasn’t been the best.
Before we moved and when I was still in the condo, I feared of moving into a new city and new place. I feared that of course I wouldn’t know anyone or what to do there, I feared that I would be trapped in my home. And low and behold, that is exactly what happened.
I find myself everyday, waking up, my parents leaving extremely early to do random errands like get new furniture or some shit, and I’m stuck in the house the whole day doing completely nothing. There is nothing to do here, the neighbourhood is small and quiet, hardly any stores to walk into, let alone, us being the pinch of Asians living here. Not only that, there’s hardly any “younger” people my age, so yeah, recipe for depression 2.0.
I would sometimes go on walks with my mom, but that’s only at most once a week, and I hate staying at home for more than 2 days max, and right now, its the 3rd day has passed. I feel so suffocating and trapped, I also feel like my anxiety and depression gets so much worse when I don’t get out. You’re probably saying, Why the hell don’t you go out on your own?
Well, I would love to, but I have no idea where I am, and I do not feel comfortable going out by myself. Back in my old house, I would gladly just get the hell out, I would go down to the frozen yogurt shop or get some Starbucks, or even go browse around Walmart. And Here? Nothing, zero, absolutely nothing.
It’s so frustrating because lately, my dad has been mad at me (no surprise there) and I overheard him saying to my mom, because the fight between us was ridiculous to the point that is hilarious, but anyways, overheard him bitching to my mom, literally saying why I still cant find work and that I’m lazy and I don’t do anything. And there he is, unemployed for most of his life talking shit about me whose actually trying every single fucking day to find a fucking job. Not only that, he can’t even write a resume, needs to ask my mom to do it, he’s a fucking piece of shit. Anyways off topic, so my dad and I are on shit terms as usual, so that really adds to the greatness to my life.
And on top of all of that, my friend texted me saying this girl who used to be in my shoes (still finding work) finally got a job at a studio, and it was a position I applied to as well, and look at that, they got her instead. Whoopie, things keep getting better and better.
I don’t know how many times I would pray every night, asking for the same thing, to get a job or to even have a fucking good day. Honestly, I’ve been doing that for what, almost 2 years now. And look at me, still in this shithole of a life and in a deeper shithole than last year. I’ve been so miserable and angry at everything, I just can’t seem to enjoy anything. My depression has gotten the better of me and suicide thoughts keep ringing in my ear non stop. I would search up painless ways to end my life but all that shit costs money. If I had the guts to actually do it, I’d do it. I can’t stand my life right now, and never in my entire life have I ever thought I’d be in this hell hole. Never.

I’ve gained weight from all of this stress, I’ve been eating unhealthy and I’ve stopped working out, everything is falling apart for me. And I can’t stop comparing myself to others, that girl I mentioned, my sister, my cousins, my friends who are all so happy and successful on Facebook, what the actual hell, it’s like I’m the joke of this world. A big fucking laugh, that’s what I’m here for…
All I ever want is to feel happy again, and for even just one day, not worry and enjoy and be happy. Happiness last for a few seconds for me, because wherever I feel happy, I think wait, I have all of this other shit to worry about remember? And then the dark cloud comes back over me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I develop ulcers from all of this worrying.
Sighs, the days have been quite long and I’ve been crying everyday because I just hate my life and I hate myself for everything. I just want to leave this place, anywhere is better than here, and honestly, it’s not like I’m gone, it’s like I was never here in the first place.

I F*cking Hate my Dad

Warning: Contains swearing

I am literally so sick with my dad. I’m in the library again because he of course, took away my internet. No surprise there! Over the 22 years of my life, i get non stop verbal abuse from him. He’s disrespectful to me…my mom, even his own mom! Just last night, he told my mom to tell me to clean the toothpaste stains off from the toilet. Oh yeah, he doesn’t actually confront me about those things, he needs to send a messenger to tell me that. OK, so I did and when I did, he starts whistling this ear splitting tune (If you know me, I have a major pet peeve of whistling, especially coming from my dad) and literally, that triggered so much anger in me. It was like he was taunting and laughing at me while I have to clean the shit off the toilet.

So after I was done, stormed out and I don’t care if he heard, and said, “There? happy?”. My mom was in the kitchen and heard and she was trying to calm me down but whatever. And now look, boom, no internet. My mom says its my attitude and how I handled the situation. Oh ok, I apparently have a attitude problem where my dad can walk out free with no problem?

Just a few days ago it was the Canadian thanksgiving and we were at my Aunts place and we were playing poker. I didn’t know how to play so I was the only player that was inexperienced, and my cousins were teaching me and all and so when the “real play” begins, there was one part of the game I won a good amount. My dad who was also playing was like in such a sarcastic tone, “wow, you really do know how to play, maybe its beginner’s luck!” A few minutes back, he would literally taunt me and insult me saying, “do you know how to play?” “why are you playing if you don;t know how to?” and my personal favourite, when it was just my cousin, me and I think someone else (since everyone folded) my cousin won a huge chunk of chips and then my dad laughed at me saying, “Yeah! Take it from the weak!” No one on the table was laughing and my Aunt was saying to him, “Don’t call your daughter weak!” I don’t remember if he reacted but I don’t give a shit, he said all those things in front of everyone. Goes to show how much a douche he is.

I obviously was upset, I tried to not cry in the table, but I felt my eyes flood with tears but I tried to look away and not look hurt. I don’t want to cause a scene you know. Anyways, there’s that and more from where that came from. I have 0 respect for him, I don’t care what happens to him, he’s been such a slob and greedy person and is constantly getting worse year by year. This year has been the worse, we are in the middle of moving and my mom says he stressed because of it I’m like whatever, there’s no reason for hm to treat us like that.

He drinks so much, every night he would have a few glasses of wine or beer, spends every bit of his money on alcohol, its just disgusting. My mom would tell him no more drinking and then he would just smile with a red face and say, “OK. Sure.” and then pour yet another glasses. Oh and I think I mentioned he’s unemployed for most his life. My mom recently retired and she was the pillar of the family, she earned the money for us to have a home and eat. My dad…well, he wastes and abuses that money for alcohol and his own random stupid tech appliances. Every weekend he would want steak or roast beef (and that shit is expensive) but of course, he wants it, he gets it. So much money goes down the drain because of him. Almost like he’s a black hole or something, ugh I just can’t take it.

I hate how my mom can just stand by him, for all of the things he’s done. Has no respect for both of us, I feel he favours my younger sister a lot as he hardly yells at her. Not that she’s not home she’s definitely not getting that treatment. He’s done so many wrongs to my mom, he would yell at her, accuse her for small mistakes and literally behind the lines calls her dumb, he puts her down and something that I shouldn’t be writing up here…he doesn’t allow my mom to visit her parents. I’m not going to go in detail because its a very personal problem in our family, but he doesn’t let her see them, call them or even mention them. It’s so inhumane, he’s a fucking piece of shit and I hate him so much.

Makes me all the more to get a job and move out. And when I get a stable income I would only help out my mom, provide her with everything and pay no attention to him. I don;t care if he’s in the hospital, I’m not going to waste a second on him.

Anyways, a random rant on him, I just can’t stand him anymore. I don’t ever want a husband that would treat me or my kids like that. My dad is so lucky to have a patient, kind and reasonable woman like my mom and he just takes every advantage possible. My mom being a Christian doesn’t want to divorce because of the vow or something..

And screw the person who said, “A girl’s first love is her father” Fuck that. “A girl wants a husband like her father” Ya, Fuck that too.

Sh*t September

Hey all…I have yet another, you guessed it, rant of the day…hooray, that’s pretty much my blog, me bitching about how crappy my life is.

Anyways, so wow, This month has been rather another difficult one to deal with. One being that, my sister goes back to school, so I don’t really have a person there to talk to, to go out with etc. I do hang out with friends but that’s like every 2 weeks…so its not that frequent. Though, I somewhat do think its a good thing because it makes me focus on my own things and I tend to get my goals finished I guess. Crappy thing is, my birthday is this month..am I happy? Nope.

Back to the point, my sister goes back to school which means she’s going to back to our “home city”. LOng story short, we moved and our new house in not built yet, so we’re staying in a temporary condo in another city. But my sister still has school in our home city, so yeah, she’s staying at my grandmas..ok, I think i explained that in the last post or so..

Anywho, September has been rough because my sister gone to another city, everyone is just asking non stop to me if I miss her and whatnot. honestly, to be very blunt, no I don’t miss her. I find her in ways, a distraction and I would get so frustrated with her and find myself constantly comparing myself to her. deep down, I know that’s not the right thing to do, but every time I hear her name or someone talks about her….I feel this tremendous amount of insecurity flood me and it makes me feel so insignificant. I know its to be expected that “a bird leaving the nest” is something to be missed, but really…it just sucks, because I’m just sitting there and everyone is gushing about how much they miss her. You see how insignificant one can feel?

Another thing is that I feel that, she’s my younger sister…in a average household, the oldest kid gets to leave. Nope, not in my case. My younger sister is able to leave the nest where I’m just still here feeling so damn sorry for myself. Sighs, its so hard to keep being happy…I try to distract myself by doing drawings, (currently have this mini project going on), going for walks, talking to my mom/friends, my instagram accounts , shop etc. But everything just gets repetitive and soon, you start losing interest in those things as well. Oh and my sister is going to a concert tomorrow, how wonderful. More things to share to the table where I am literally in the exact same spot as last year pretty much. Yes, her favourite band happens to come to our city, and my favourites don’t but still….I feel like so many great things happen in her life and that’s what gets me so frustrated. I feel so small and insignificant compared to her……what’s the point right?

Another “splendid” event that recently happened (not gonna say everything hence it being a personal family feud) it pretty much I’ve been caught up in between a family problem that has nothing to do with me. The gist of it being it that I’m the only kid in the family eligible to be part of this “plan” my dad came up with and now we’re in deep shit because of it. (I make it sound like its this gang thing or us selling drugs or some shit, no its not that ahah…) So, my dad was all counting on me to do something and pretty much, I messed up twice. Yes, twice and my dad is just so f-ing pissed and angry at me and literally yesterday we were both yelling at each other, and I could see the disappointment in his face. Like he was done with me, like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not like I fucking care, but it still hurts, because I never wished to disappoint him like that and the mistakes I did were a mistake, it wasn’t intentional. I know its hard for your to understand because I’m literally beating around the bush about it and it sounds absolutely nonsense but yeah…the gist of it, my dad is fed up with me. And my fear is that my dad would feed rumours to be relatives and making them think I did it on purpose blah blah blah, that’s the worse thing that I’m scared of.

I just feel like shit. I feel like my whole existence is fucking shit. Why the hell am I still here? I find myself searching up painless suicide methods…uugh, I dunno. I don’t want to do anything rash. Everything is just getting worse even though I would pray for a simple good day. On top of not being able to get a job is just so overwhelming and stressful…I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore…..

I wish someone or something would just take me away from this place…..

Deleting Instagram

THis is going to be a random, small little post- its not a rant (at least I dont think so) but its what the title says, I deleted some of my instagram accounts. Before this post is up, I had a total of 5 instagram accounts. You’re probably thinking wtf, but yes, I have 5 of them. Recently, I was thinking of making yet another one (I know, I know, do I have a life? no of course…)

The reason for making these accounts is well…I find them fun to manage. It makes me want to look forward everyday to see who followed back, who liked my pictures etc. It’s something I find comforting (even though when someone unfollows or whatnot, obviously it sucks and I get so gloomy because of it -_-) But anyways, thats besides the point. So yeah, I create them and manage them and it just gives me a sense of purpose in life, if that makes any sense.

And with that, I’ve found many nice people online. They all share similar interest with me, and its just so much easier to talk to them online. Some of you may nod your head at that, but I find it nice to meet them online. It’s so much easier and I get less anxious (I still get kinda anxious…). So I made a few friends online which is nice, but realized, I’ve been bias to some of my accounts. It got me thinking…maybe I should just delete some of them.

So I did. I told my online friends that I would delete, and I did just that. Its a weird feeling because I felt like I lost something that I worked on for a long time (which is partially true). Now I’m typing this, I feel its such a pointless posts lol But I feel so weird, I feel like I lost something big.

Anyways, now I only have to focus and love my 4 accounts- its still a lot, but I feel like these ar ethe ones I can handle with ease. whereas The other 2 I felt no motivation and struggled with getting followers. Not only that, I struggled with finding what to post too…

I even felt that way with my Facebook. Not sure if I will go and delete that because I have people there I know technically, but I hardly talk to them anymore. Uh…I really want to delete Facebook too but still unsure..I find it so intoxicating you know? seeing others do stuff and happy…yea maybe I’m just depressed…ugh

anyways, this is just so random. I just wanted to post because I feel kinda heartbroken seeing my other accounts go. This is dumb right? Ah ok see ya next time….

A little update..

Hey everyone, its been a while..(again!) I am alive…great I guess, oh crap the french e on my keyboard is acting up again..-_- ?? oh there its fixed

A little update is that well…..still looking for a job. No surprise there! -_- A few weeks ago though I decided/push/forced myself to go to this recruitment party thing downtown. I was scared shitless, you have no idea. But I went. I did it. Haven’t heard back from them, but I’m trying to be positive here. At least I went to give it a shot. And I’m glad that I did…even if nothing really came out of it..sighs.

Besides from job searching, I find my comparing myself countless of times to others. comparing myself with other people is such a poison to one’s life. I’m in that boat and I just can’t seem to get out. It sucks. I keep comparing myself to my younger sister. Her life has been going so well, she’s been doing things and making progress whereas I’m in the same friggin position. I try to do things that make me happier and to distract myself from other things but it just doesn’t help. My sister will be living off with my grandma (cuz we moved and the condo we’re in is too far from her school) and she pretty much has a shot at living on her own, getting to set her own rules and literally be with her friends. Me….well….of course I’m still with my family. Not saying being with them is bad, but do you see how much freedom I get? I can’t stop thinking about it…it hurts, it sucks…I just really hate my life.

Not only that my birthday is less than a week away, and I should be happy about it. No I’m not, I’m far from happy. I can’t even think straight, being another year older it just another reminder that a years passed and still no accomplishments. I’m such a pessimist, yay..

Anyways, what makes matters even more craptastic, I just sent a resume and cover letter to a studio (which the position is very ideal for me)….and guess what? I have a friggin beautiful typo on it! Wow, if things couldn’t get any worse. Guess what I mistyped “programs” with?

Prograsm.

yes.

Prograsm.

Are you fucking kidding me??? fuck my life to that max, there’s goes my shot at another possible chance. you’re probably wondering how the hell did I type that in? Well, I have 2 cover letters, and there was line in one of them I decided to copy and paste in, and I guess, Word just went haywire and programs became prograsm. And Word
didn’t even notify that mistake too, thanks Word…
So now I’m debating whether or not I should resend it. Maybe I should…ugh but I don’t want to seem desperate and annoying. But then I don’t want to sound dumb either..

Anyways, I have to go…life is always just super grand for me….

[RANT] My fucking shitty day…(like many others)

Warning: Contains swearing…I’m that pissed

What a day it has been. Now I have been having crap loads of crappy days the past week or so, but this one takes the cake. I don’t know if all of my emotions are just bottled up inside of me and then just decided to explode today, but man was today the cherry on top to a fantastic life. I’m being sarcastic if you haven’t noticed.

For starters, I’ve been having MAJOR mood swings lately. I don’t think I’m Bi-polar, but I think I have somewhat med-high mood swings? And no…it’s not the “monthly” thing either…. (though I expected that but clearly it wasn’t it..) I just been getting mad at little, stupid things and they get me sad or pissed off in a matter of seconds. I question myself to why it bothers me, but it just does! I tried to think “rationally” and not blow up, but it laways ends up being the latter, 99.9% of the time.

So…along with the other crappy days before today, mood swings were the biggest culprit. I’m not going to start accusing this person right off the bat, but the main person that keeps bothering me is my sister. I don’t know, the things she does, says, etc, pisses me to the max. Why? I honestly have no idea, but it could be the fact that her life is/appears to “going smoothly” and “lovely” when mine is just rotting in hell. I find myself switching moods in an instance whenever my sister starts randomly talking about her friends (related back to my other post) , her being in a splendid, sunshine mood all of the time (and when she’s not, she treats me like shit..)

And other things include, the job hunt, instagram (what?), people in general, my relatives, my DAD (that’s the bulk of the problem in this ) and much more..

So yeah, the next thing is as mentioned above, my dad is such an annoying asshole. Ever since I was born, I had always had problems with my dad. I do not like him, I do not respect him at all. Before you start lecturing me, let me tell you this….he emotionally abuses all of us. My mom, my sister and me. He acts all big and mighty, but now that I’m grown up, his stupid lectures and random outbursts do not faze me. It just makes me hate him all that more. I’m not going to into the history of him, but rest assured he’s a loose cannon, he puts down people to make him feel better, he argues with no real sense at all and he punishes us for random, unnecessary reasons. And more, believe me.

And so today, we are in a hotel, and I’m done showering, I come out to get my computer and then he storms in and notices some water on the floor. And then he screams, “WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WATER ON THE FLOOR? YOU’RE LETTING THE WATER GET ON THE FLOOR! WE ARE GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE, CLEAN UP THIS MESS NOW!” And then both me and my sister come and honestly I couldn’t see much, it wasnt;t even a puddle. And so I wiped the best I could, and is that good enough for him? Oh no, he comes back with full on attitude.

“ITS ALL YOUR FAULT VICTORIA YOU WERE SHOWERING AND YOU LET ALL OF THE WATER COME THROUGH! YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL OF THE DAMAGES!” blah blah blah

What? Am I the only one showering? No, of course not, my sister also, but does he ever blame her? No. Of course not. My sister is the little “angel” and I’m always the person with a giant target on my face. So anyway, I start to get angry and then he likes to talk over and interrupts me (he does that with everyone, like I said, he likes to act high and mighty) and starts saying it’s my fault and whatever, I took the bullet yet again. I said, “alright , alright, its my fault of course, sure.” and then that doesn’t’ satisfy him, he keeps yelling at me and I’m just ignoring him and wiping the fucking dry floor because if I don’t he’ll flip again.

Anyways, I’m obviously so upset with him, he’s such a disrespectful person. He talks down to my mom and treats her like a useless person, and oh, get this. He doesn’t work. He hasn’t worked for YEARS. My mom is carrying us along with a great job, and she’s 2309834893594594 times more stronger than he;ll ever be, Absolutely no respect for him, never, not even on his death bed. Yeah.

As time goes by, as I’m typing this, my plans with my friend got cancelled, I was supposed to meet her tomorrow, but she tells me she’s sick or whatever (not going to doubt…nope…) Now great…I told my parents already that I’m going (before the fight) and now I can’t go and I’m either stuck with my dad or my dad will end up leaving me and going somewhere… fuck, fantastic right?

And lastly, my sister is literally right beside me and she obviously sees me upset, and she does not console me. Thanks for being a wonderful fucking sister, sis. Anyways, I”m so tired of crying and tired of life in generally…I literally hate my life. I can’t catch a break. ugh…..I’m so scared I’m going to do something rash…if you know what I mean…anyways, till next time…or not..