[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

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The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

{ Update } Feeling Forgotten

Hey all…..so….yeah..I have decided to make a follow up post with the previous one. If you don’t know the whole shebang, pretty much I was bat shit worried about whether or not anyone would wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

What the actual fuck right? I know, I worry about the most tiniest/stupidest  things ever……….. welcome to my life.
Oh and there was more (stupid) things that I was dealing with but that’s not really the whole point……

So this is just a follow up post, and I’ll tell you all what happened..

So after I posted the previous post up, I immediately felt extremely anxious. It was almost 12 AM and literally, I kept wondering whether or not anyone would post anything. I watched a comedy just to take my mind off of it, which it kinda helped. And once the movie ended, it was around 2 AM.

I checked facebook…..and only one person posted. Who was one of my main close friends. (btw…it was that friend who I made a post a few months ago…yeah..)

I tried to not let it get me  and turned off my phone and went to bed. As everynight…I prayed; the usual about hoping to get a job and…well….for my birthday to be a decent day and that I can handle whatever that comes the next day (my bday).

Next morning..I was extremely anxious. I didn`t sleep at all because I was so worried about the number of wishes I`ll get. See how stupid it is. I opened up Facebook…..

And only 1 other person posted after my friend. So in total, only 2 people have said something.

I felt my heart drop so hard. I felt the tears starting to come down my eyes and literally, I just sobbed into my pillow. It`s almost like, I knew it would happen, but I was delusional to think that there would be more than just 2 people to wish mea happy birthday. So I laid there staring at the screen and just knew that my birthday is not a good day.

I was stayed in my room, until my sister came in and wished me  Happy birthday. I could tell she noticed my puffy eyes. I thanked her and she went off. My parents eventually came and wished me a happy birthday and hugged me. As soon as I saw their happy faces, I felt the tears come back again. (YOu`re probabaly thinking I`m absolutly weird and stupid for letting something so small get me down….well…yeah…you`re right… it is pretty stupid. but it gets me..)

I told my mom I wanted to talk to her and she said she can talk with me after they went grocery shopping. From the time she left and came back, no one else has wished me anything. I must`ve had 3 more breakdowns. The feeling of being forgotten and uncared….it`s I guess one of my fears…

My mom came back and we talked and I explained everything. She looked sympathetic but  probably thought I was overreacting. I was a crying mess when I Talked with her. She told me that it was ok, and I should look beyond it. Anyways….still felt like shit after, but for some reason it`s almost like I accepted that no one else would say anything. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful to whoever wishes me a happy birthday, even if it`s just 2 people. But it kinda is like a slap in the face because, that just shows my life- I don`t have a lot of friends, and well…..i`m a loser too…..

Another reason the day went to shit, is that normally my Aunts would text me a Happy birthday message. The whole day, I got no text from them.

So the day went on. I felt extremely anxious and unproductive with my day. We eventually went out to eat, (it’s a tradition that birthdays we`d go to the wherever the birthday person wants) and things got a teeny bit better. LIke  I said, I think it was because I already accepted the fact that only 2 people would wish me a happy birthday.

Pretty much, day comes to a close and to my surprise, a few Facebook wishes started to trickle in. It was obviously not a whole lot, but I am grateful that some more people wished me.

The next day (today) comes around and apparently, low and behold, my Aunts text me Happy birthday messages. I was literally so surprised, and it kinda made me think, “ok, they may have gotten my sisters and my birthday“ ; mine is Sept 6 and my sis is Feb 7.

So now I just feel super guilty for making a fuss because “they didn’t text me yesterday”

The conclusion of this really stupid post is that…..I should really not jump to conclusions. I know it`s easy to think the worst, but there are other reasons behind it and you don`t really know the full story of the situation.    I guess I was so used to thinking so negatively and assume that no one cares about me anymore…..  I’m more or less over the whole Facebook thing, (to be honest I was thinking of deleting it soon…) but I’m just trying to not jump to conclusions so easily…..

This year’s birthday was not the best, and I can only imagine next year would probabaly be the same..or even worse. I’m really considering deleting Facebook, it gives me so much anxiety and I don’t want to see any more of my old High school “friends”.
Anyways, this is just another update to the previous post…

Catch you all later……… .

So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

Hi again….Quick Update……….

WOW.

Has it been 2 months already….time flies…..

Quick update, I came back (2 months ago…lmfao) from a Family cruise to Europe, which was pretty neat. Because there wasn’t any wifi, it was a nice break to get away from social media. I did buy this expensive internet of 100 minutes, just to check my emails and apply to jobs. See how committed I am… -.-

Speaking of jobs….you guessed it! I got nothing as always! 😀 (I hope you can tell I was being sarcastic..)

Back to the trip, it was pretty nice, there was lots of yummy food on the cruise. I didn’t realize it was all free until my mom told me it was all paid for in the ticket price..which makes sense? Going to the top deck was pretty relaxing, minus the gusty winds, and seeing the sun set down was beautiful too. Got some souvenirs from different places, but the last country (Sweden) I didn’t get anything because we didn’t gave time -________-

Back to reality, I’m not sure if I mentioned in the previous post, but I wanted to go to another Anime con, but ended up not going because my friend bailed….not surprised…

What else happened…

I saw Suicide Squad, it was a last minute decision, and it wasn’t super bad….but I could definitely tell it could’ve been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. I really hope Wonder Woman and Justice League can bring it all back up.. :/
Anyways, I can’t think of anymore “interesting” updates, so yeah. The post after this will be another rant-i-hate-my-life posts…so yeah. Currently I’m feeling extremely anxious and stressed out, which I why I decided to go on WordPress and rant.

See ya there…………

I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.

My First “Embaressing” Cosplay Experience

Hey everyone, I was way too lazy to post this up (I typed this a week ago tbh) , but anywho a week ago I attended Anime North 2016! From previous posts, you may have noticed that I’ve attended Anime North for the last 2 years, and this year would be my 3rd year. I did something a little different though.
I decided to cosplay.
I’m not sure if I mentioned that in last months posts, but anyways, I decided to cosplay. Before we start with the whole Anime North post, I just want to kinda go in depth with how everything all went down. I was Mikaela ♥ from Owari no Seraph/ Seraph of the End. This post will kinda solely just be how I felt throughout the whole thing. My Anime North haul will be either after this post or before but yeah.

 
So, from my last Anime North 2015 post, I noted saying that I wanted to cosplay. Up until 2 months from now (beginning of April ish), I had a sudden drive to actually cosplay. So I went on Youtube and found a youtuber that really made me want to do it all the more. So she just inspired me even more, I just had to. Seeing her vlogs with her group of friends dressing up as characters from their favourite anime, just made me really happy and excited for Anime North. Mind you, she tends to go to a different con almost twice a month, so she’s got her fair share of chances to dress up and everything.

 

So back to the point, she inspired me a lot more. And so the past 2 months I’ve been doing just that. I felt so excited, especially in April, I was binge watching her vlogs and her tips on cosplay and she just looked like she had so much fun. And I guess, that’s when I started to have this image or idea in my head, that when I cosplay, everything is going to look amazing and cool and just….WOW. And boy did I have high expectations, and boy did it disappoint me.

 
Fast forward a few days ago, my mom and I were finishing up the last bits of my costume (we stayed up to finish until close to 2am the day before the con -_-) and managed to get everything all finished. I did several makeup tests and practiced on putting on a wig throughout the month so I made sure that on the day of, I wouldn’t be surprised and everything would seemingly go smoothly and “According to plan”. I’m a type of person that has high expectations of myself, people and how the day would pan through. Because I Had this mental image of that youtuber having so much fun with her friends…I kinda expected I Would be having a great time too. I know it all sounds so dumb…but really, maybe I was just delusional into thinking everything will run perfectly…sighs..

 
So I dressed up, it was extremely embarrassing at first, I had to commute on the train and all of these “normal” people stared at me and it was just making my anxiety just shoot up. But once I met up with my guy friend, (he was in cosplay too), things were a bit better. I have some pics….(not sure if I’ll take it down tho)

 

We got to the con a little late which was alright I guess, but it was just severely hot. I felt my whole body just dripping with sweat and I was just thinking, how the hell will I manage to survive the whole day?! We went and ate some lunch before we picked up our badge, and as we sat outside to eat I got to look and see everyone all in their costumes as well. I felt much better. I even saw characters that were from the same series as me, which kinda made me feel better but at the same time made me feel like, “omg, there’s more of us from that anime.” yeah, why did it affect me negatively, I dunno I’m stupid like that ok.

 
I think 6 or so people came up to me and asked me for a photo. Which I was just so surprised because I looked I dunno…weird -_-. But they did and I was just a mess but I didn’t turn them down because that’s rude, and I didn’t even practice my poses and whatever, I wasn’t even expecting to be asked for a photo but anyways, it was a nice experience but awkward because I just can’t do posing right…and I Keep thinking I look dumb..

 
So the day went on, the heat got worse and it was just so unbearable we had to keep going back to the room that had decent air con. I forgot to mention there was a group photoshoot from the series that my character was in, and at first I really wanted to go. But then, as soon as the day went on, I felt more and more nervous and I saw a good handful of people cosplaying as MIkaela. I requested to my friend we do a solo photoshoot, and lets say it didn’t go according to plan. There were many factors to it; mainly my physique wasn’t ideal (at least to me) I felt chubby all around and the photos didn’t turn out all that nice in my opinion, and I guess also what I wanted in the shots, my friend couldn’t really replicate it properly so everything for that solo shoot was kinda…..disappointing in a way.

 

But after all of that, we walked to the group photoshoot and I literally felt my anxiety spike up more. The more i Got closer, I saw so many of us from the anime and I was just super anxious and nervous and terrified. Despite all of us are nerds, I was so scared. I almost backed out because I was still not confident in my cosplay (even though it looked decent and I am happy with it), but seeing the others; some looked amazing and it intimidated me to be honest because it was so breathtaking. But my friend pushed me to go, and I thought I would definitely regret if I didn’t go…so I just went and joined the crowd. We kinda went a little late and in a way that’s a good thing because we just went right into the photoshoot.
Everything went well, until 3 incidences came up. With me, I’m the type if even the smallest, insignificant thing happens, my day goes to shit. It will bring my mood down, I would feel crappy for the rest of the day and I would be thinking about it my whole life. Yes, I”m just that hard on myself and I dunno, maybe that’s why I complain and am depressed a lot because like I said in the beginning, I have high expectations on myself and everyone and everything around me. So the shoot went on, and we had this pairing photoshoot, and in the series there is a really popular ship (I totally ship it to the max), and that includes me (Mika) and Yuu. So there were tons of MIkas (I think 9 of us? ) and there was like probably 8 Yuus, and you can already tell….we have 1 too many Mikas.

 

So the pairing started and I at the time didn’t know how many of us Mikas, were there, I just knew there were too many Mikas, I just didn’t know we were off by 1, you know? So I was looking around and hopefully find my Yuu (if you watched the series, this is just totally otp ok). And then I see this guy who was Yuu looking just as confused and I quickly waved my hands to him and he went over to me and we did this pose together. I looked over and some of the pairs were getting into the whole pairing thing (which is fine because like I said, otp) so my partner put 1 arm around me and you know what I did? I wrapped BOTH arms around him so it’s like this weird hug, like 1 arm around the back and the other across the front, does that make sense? In the anime, Mika hugged Yuu like that..so I was in character…but I’m just thinking right now (because I just always overthink things), I was probably way to “clingy” and too straightforward, you know? I’m pretty sure I may have made the guy…uncomfortable which I regret so much..and I’m so embarrassed because…I dunno why I did that… (( Yeah, If that guy so happens to reads this, I dunno how….but I apologize if I weirded you out…? I was just trying to be in character and everything…ugh..I apologize… >___<)) Here was this pose I was picturing in my head…….. Yeah, kinda like that >o< I was the blonde guy btw

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So the host told us to switch poses and said we should do the iconic pose that Mika and Yuu does in the opening credits. I’ll insert a pic here to show you what I mean.

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And so my partner was like, “I don’t want to do that with someone I don’t know.” and I literally was like…OK..I get it, he’s probably just so uncomfortable with me and we just stood there awkwardly because everyone else was doing it and we just stood there…fuck it literally hurts when I’m rethinking of it. I’m not saying I’m pissed he didn’t cooperate, I feel like if I didn’t hug him the way I did, he may have felt more comfortable…I dunno….

 
So after, the host told us to switch and do this other pose, and it involves Yuu stabbing Mika..I know, if you don’t know the series, I’m sure it sounds morbid but, anyways. My partner didn’t have a sword and he kinda went off to the side and said something like he didn’t have a sword and some random person lent him one. He came back, and there was another Mika on the end (not sure if she was there before tho) and he literally turned and did the pose with the other MIka. So pretty much, he ditched me and I stood there like……so awkward and just…walked out of the stage. As soon as those things happened…I wanted to leave. I didn’t know what else to do, I was embarrassed and just….everything wasn’t going well…

 

The last shit thing that happened was pretty much similar to the 2nd one, and it was me being left out. I’m not the initiative type, I don’t just go up to someone and act (even though I hugged the guy, it was out of pure “I-have-to-strike-a-pose-do-something” type of thing and I just acted on that). There was just another pose and we had to do and yeah, I was the odd man out, and I left the stage again. I didn’t hear this clearly, (my mind could have made me form it differently) but I overheard someone say, “Why does that one keep walking out”. And I was just….so done…..I had enough…

 

This may all seem extremely stupid and you’re probably thinking, it’s all for fun why be so serious and worry about such small things…but I’m just like that. I had this expectation that my cosplay experience will go well and that everything would go perfectly fine just like how that Youtuber was with her group of friends. It went nothing like that, I was left…pretty much upset that nothing lived up to my expectations..and the fact I embarrassed myself out there just really was the cherry on top.

 

Yes, overall the con was great…but like I said, even if just 1 little tiny bad thing happens…the day turns upside down. And pretty much, I tried to keep a happy face for my friend, I did tell him about the general part of what happened, but deep down I Was devastated. I was so dissapointed and upset that it came to that. I’m overthinking this all aren’t I, I’m actually tearing up as I’m typing this because the embarrassment hit me dead hard…..Why can’t I just be happy for once…

 

Anyways, this post is just a more in depth of how everything turned out. I don’t regret going to the group photoshoot, I’m glad I had that experience…I just wished I wasn’t so.. clingy and awkward and just….embarrassing… Not sure if this post will go up before my mini Anime NOrth Haul, but yeah…. sighs…didn’t come back 100% happy…but that’s my life…there’s always something bad to think about…