I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.

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Quick update

Hey all….it’s been…a while, yes, did you see that coming? Anyways, like the title it’s just kinda like a little update, and pretty much what the title is about. Quick update……yes….still on the job hunt. I’ve actually went to a job fair (more like forced myself to go) about a month ago. I actually “diary vlogged” myself going through that “rough time” as it was super stressful and my anxiety was shooting up to the roof… it was not fun. But I made myself go, and well, I didn’t get any offers…but the fact I did my best and went to the studios that I aimed for, I felt proud of myself for doing that….
About that diary log…I actually filmed that for my YouTube channel. It’s something I wanted to try out, but yeah, I just felt like sharing it and other videos I film on my copious amounts of spare time. Not sure yet if I feel comfortable about linking my channel….but..maybe one day… You could kind of say, my YouTube channel is a more “PG” rated version of this blog..lol, because of the fact that I don’t curse on there, and that I don’t go in full detail to how I’m feeling. Not saying I’m acting fake on it, but I do put up some wall so not everything is shown- you know? In my blog is definitely a lot more personal…

 

Anyways, after this post there’s going to be a hella serious posts. I’m going through another shit time.. so yeah.

Another Stupid Reason to Worry…

Hey everyone, I have another posts that’s not about my depression- whaaat, much surprise!
Well, anyways, from the title you can figure out what it will be about. So from my previous posts last year, I attended an Anime convention called Anime North. I will be going this year as well…but I would be cosplaying!

This will be my third time going to this con, but this is the first time I would be legit cosplaying. This thought never occurred to me when I bought my ticket, but just this past month or so, I kept thinking of wanting to cosplay. And so, I’ve bought my fabric, got some random accessories, footwear and even the wig! I’m literally going all out on this cosplay, which sucks because I am only attending one day which I regret miserably.

Now….the problem. Of course, I always have a problem. So, first off, I don’t want to say too much of who I’ll be cosplaying (not like anyone cares), but for the first month when I’ve decided to cosplay, I was so hyped. Like super excited and everything, I would watch vlogs of people going to conventions in there costumes and it would only fuel my motivation and excitement to cosplay. And during that time, I Was watching the show that has the character that I would be dressing up as. And you know me, and if you read some of my other posts, that I like to take my time with the shows that I watch. I’ve finished the first season about a week ago and, here is where part of my problem comes in. I feel because I’ve finished season 1, I’m kinda lacking the motivation to cosplay this character -_-

My, I have too many issues don’t I? And of all of the things to worry about, this for some damn reason is taking the cake. Here is the thing, there is a season 2 thats out, but I’m restricting myself to watch it because if I do, I know for sure I will definitely lose motivation. IN my mind, I rather restrict myself for a few weeks before I begin to watch season 2 and then when the con begins, I would have this “Fresh image/feeling” of the show and character and I will mentally feel better being that character- does that make any sense whatsoever?

It’s been about almost 2 weeks since I Last watched it, and even though I got all my supplies and even ordered my wig…..I have this weird feeling like it won’t turn out good. And that leads to my next point, I’ve been kinda binge watching this YouTuber who cosplays with her group of friends and they all look amazing. She vlogs herself whenever she goes to conventions and they all would do cool photoshoots and everything, so pretty much, I Have this image of how my cosplaying day would be like.

But I’m not her. I tend to compare myself to everyone, and the same things goes with cosplaying (stupid, I know..) But pretty much, I’m just scared that the day would end, and I would feel like it was nothing what was shown in her vlogs. I would like to do a photoshoot but posing on my own is scary..not only that there will be so much anxious feelings, i may even talk myself out of it.

Wow, this problem is just stupid. I’m just worried that I will come back home with a whole bunch of regrets and just post convention depression. It sucks. it’s like I’m hyping it all up for something that would only be a day for me… I guess it’s kinda like going to a concert for some people.

And another point, is I know I shouldn’t care about this, but the character I’m planning to dress up as is in a “popular” show, and I see my character being picked so many times, and it kinda makes me feel unoriginal and not unique..and I Guess not proud to be that character. I know what you’re going to say but everyone has their freedom to be however they want…but maybe it’s all from my copying pet peeve…I dunno…..uugh -.-

Anyways, so up till now, I can feel my motivation dying down. I don’t know what to do, and I know its such a stupid and random problem, but it’s really getting to me. I tried to tell myself, to go and have fun….but I feel something is missing. I missed that hype I had a month ago, and if I still had that, I would be so much happier in my costume, and I would go out proudly with it. But something has changed…I don’t know, a lot has happened lately, and I Just don’t feel as motivated anymore. It’s kinda like my life, I would one day just lose all sort of motivation and just cry because I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore.

I should wrap this up, I may update another post about it, but for right now, I am not the slightest bit happy/excited about this cosplay idea…in fact…I kinda feel like I’ll regret it.

Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

Update on my “New Job”

Hey everyone, I got another update for you guys regarding…my supposedly new job. After you read that, you know something f-ed up is about to go down.

Well, first off, Happy new year, I know it’s obviously passed the new year but whatever, I bet you all had resolutions all planned up and probably breaking all of them right now (I know i am…) Anyways enough about that, so, its the new year and its supposed to be that time when I was supposed to start at my new job. If you read my previous post, I talked about my journey to that interview and the job offer that was laid out to me. I was told in an email that I was supposed to come in Mid-January………that’s like, right now isn’t it? -.-

Well….here is what happened.

 

So, all of December, I pretty much stopped looking for places. I stopped sending my resumes and reel to studios after the interview, because I felt they genuinely wanted me. Heck they set a time frame of when I could start. With my previous post, you know how happy I felt. I felt relatively relaxed knowing that I don’t have to go searching anymore. Well, am I ever more wrong.

I had doubts in the beginning, and it traveled until this day. I was happy, but there was this weird doubt lurking around and I just couldn’t fully be happy about it. I knew something was up. Maybe it’s me being a pessimist 24/7, but I couldn’t shake off those weird doubts I was having. And so, last week, I checked my email, (I do everyday) and there was no response from the studio. I was beginning to feel really anxious again, and so I sent them a follow up email to them asking them if the position is still available and if yes, could they tell me a start date. I Sent that last Wednesday.

No response. And it’s friggin MOnday right now. Am I being too naggy? Hell no, its been 3 work days already, I’ve expected them to at least tell me the latest news if I’m in or not. But no. Still nothing. Funny right? Stupid shit always seems to happen to me.

I don’t even know now. To be honest, I’m not even disapointed by the fact I didn’t get it, I’m more disapointed by the fact they couldn’t even send a fucking email telling me I’m not the right fit. Especially the build up they gave me, and they even gave me a fucking estimated date to start. What the actual fuck. Great start to 2016. ANd if things couldn’t get any worse, I have a delightfully exciting family party this weekend. I’m being hella sarcastic, fuck no I don’r want to see my relatives, especially with absolutely no news about my “new job”.

I don’t even know anymore. I thought things were going great, or at least beginning to get “newer”, but I Guess it’s back to searching for more jobs all over again. You see, shit like this always happens to me. People always seem to forget about me or replace me with something/someone better.

I don’t know how much of this I could take. Each day is just as bland as the other. I feel worthless and useless, and me being worried about what other people think of me, my whole family and friends judging me so hard, thinking “I’m so lazy,” and that I can’t do shit. I told myself, I wished I could find something before the new year, and early December, it really seemed like I got it. But I guess not, it was a joke. The doubts I was having, it came true, every negative thing I predict always comes around and happens.

Well, that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t know how much I could take. I don’t want to do anything rash, I’m so scared that I will. Because Nothing good really exists with me.