Sh*tty Birthday 2.0

Hey all,

It’s not very often I post “frequently” huh? Well, I feel the need to type this up and post it..because it’s just really getting on my nerves.. So I’m just going to just spit it out and hopefully this post will be quick and to the point, because I don’t want to keep dwelling on this any longer.

Well….It’s about my birthday. Today, to be exact (or the 6th, depending on time zones etc.)

So, as from a previous post that’s literally a year ago, I talked about having the worst birthday ever. Long story short, it was about me being upset, disappointed and hurt…because of something extremely stupid. The fact only a very small handful have sent birthday wishes on my timeline…yeah..hella stupid right? Well, I was pretty depressed and upset last year….but..September 2017 rolls around…I got the same anxiety as last year, but the only difference is…I know even fewer people will wish me happy birthday.

And that’s that. I woke up…only my sister wished me on Facebook. Maybe 4 hours or so later, another person did…,and just about now 2 more people have, and that’s it. It’s practically almost 12Am going into the 7th now…a total of 4 people have wished me happy birthday. My aunts and 2 of my cousins have texted a happy birthday wish and also my other friend did too…other than that…na dah.

Yeah. How idiotic to be writing another damn post about this again, right?

And am I upset and hurt? Of course. But am I surprised and feel “blindsided”? No.

Here’s the thing. I was honestly not surprised. Hell, I even expected it. But it did hurt like a motherfucker, especially when Facebook has that damn feature where it announces to everyone on your friends list that, “HEY, IT’S ________ BIRTHDAY! WHY DON’T YOU WISH THEM ONE? EH? WHAT’S THAT? NO? YOU DON’T WANT TO? OK, IT’LL BE CLEAR AS DAY TO THE WORLD THAT THE MAJORITY OF THEIR “FRIEND’S” DON’T GIVE A SHIT!”

(sorry for the major caps…)

But it’s really because of that. I hardly use Facebook, in fact, I never go on it anymore. Even with last year’s post, I said I would delete it…but nope, never gotten around to do it. Why, I really don’t know. I think it has something to do with possibly thinking later-on-the-future-I-would-want-to-contact-them-again BS. You’re probably thinking, why not just take down my birthday so no one gets notified, well…yeah..I learned my lesson now. Because it really makes no fucking difference if I have it there or not.

Also, I don’t know why I even bother to give two shits about it. JUst the day before, I told myself, it doesn’t matter, it’s such a small stupid little thing…it shouldn’t ruin my day. And well, it almost did. I had a small breakdown, I really couldn’t help it, but it just hurts. I push a lot of people away, I suck at keeping in touch with people (hence I literally only have 2 friends..) and not only that, I’m extremely picky with who I want to open myself up to.

Because of all of that, it’s ironic, because why the hell do I expect people who I don’t even talk to anymore, to go out of their way and wish me a generic happy birthday wish? Yeah, it’s baffles me too. It’s totally ironic. I shouldn’t expect them to give a damn about me when on other days of the year, I don’t want them to give a damn about me anyways, so what makes my birthday so special? I think it’s just because I’m afraid of what people think of me.

I’ve always been quiet, an introverted….a loser. And well, Facebook is such a “in your face” platform, the less you are active on there, and the less people interact with you , it’s instantly a giant platform with a big ass arrow that points LOSER to you.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to embrace and think differently instead. I’m trying to cherish the ones that do care, and even if it was a random person that wished me one, I’m grateful for their time to say that to me. I shouldn’t care and worry about what people think of me, or who didn’t say..because in a way, they have all the right to not wish me one. Instead, I want to keep the ones that do, and work on building better relationships with the ones that do care. And to not take people for granted..and defiently not create brooding memories that will haunt me 24/7.

My birthday is nearing the end…I am sure glad it’s coming to a close..but at the same time, I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time worrying and thinking about who will wish me a happy birthday. Because the ones that do, will always have my back, and of course, I will in return have theirs. This is just something I have to realize…and also know that everyone has lives…no one is glued on Facebook forever.

And well, to take off my birthday on my account..or even delete it, and possibly create a new one and just add back the ones that matter to me the most…which…is honestly less than 10..but..thats another problem of mine where I won’t bother sharing…yet.

Anyways… till next time…

 

 

 

 

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{ Update } Feeling Forgotten

Hey all…..so….yeah..I have decided to make a follow up post with the previous one. If you don’t know the whole shebang, pretty much I was bat shit worried about whether or not anyone would wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

What the actual fuck right? I know, I worry about the most tiniest/stupidest  things ever……….. welcome to my life.
Oh and there was more (stupid) things that I was dealing with but that’s not really the whole point……

So this is just a follow up post, and I’ll tell you all what happened..

So after I posted the previous post up, I immediately felt extremely anxious. It was almost 12 AM and literally, I kept wondering whether or not anyone would post anything. I watched a comedy just to take my mind off of it, which it kinda helped. And once the movie ended, it was around 2 AM.

I checked facebook…..and only one person posted. Who was one of my main close friends. (btw…it was that friend who I made a post a few months ago…yeah..)

I tried to not let it get me  and turned off my phone and went to bed. As everynight…I prayed; the usual about hoping to get a job and…well….for my birthday to be a decent day and that I can handle whatever that comes the next day (my bday).

Next morning..I was extremely anxious. I didn`t sleep at all because I was so worried about the number of wishes I`ll get. See how stupid it is. I opened up Facebook…..

And only 1 other person posted after my friend. So in total, only 2 people have said something.

I felt my heart drop so hard. I felt the tears starting to come down my eyes and literally, I just sobbed into my pillow. It`s almost like, I knew it would happen, but I was delusional to think that there would be more than just 2 people to wish mea happy birthday. So I laid there staring at the screen and just knew that my birthday is not a good day.

I was stayed in my room, until my sister came in and wished me  Happy birthday. I could tell she noticed my puffy eyes. I thanked her and she went off. My parents eventually came and wished me a happy birthday and hugged me. As soon as I saw their happy faces, I felt the tears come back again. (YOu`re probabaly thinking I`m absolutly weird and stupid for letting something so small get me down….well…yeah…you`re right… it is pretty stupid. but it gets me..)

I told my mom I wanted to talk to her and she said she can talk with me after they went grocery shopping. From the time she left and came back, no one else has wished me anything. I must`ve had 3 more breakdowns. The feeling of being forgotten and uncared….it`s I guess one of my fears…

My mom came back and we talked and I explained everything. She looked sympathetic but  probably thought I was overreacting. I was a crying mess when I Talked with her. She told me that it was ok, and I should look beyond it. Anyways….still felt like shit after, but for some reason it`s almost like I accepted that no one else would say anything. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful to whoever wishes me a happy birthday, even if it`s just 2 people. But it kinda is like a slap in the face because, that just shows my life- I don`t have a lot of friends, and well…..i`m a loser too…..

Another reason the day went to shit, is that normally my Aunts would text me a Happy birthday message. The whole day, I got no text from them.

So the day went on. I felt extremely anxious and unproductive with my day. We eventually went out to eat, (it’s a tradition that birthdays we`d go to the wherever the birthday person wants) and things got a teeny bit better. LIke  I said, I think it was because I already accepted the fact that only 2 people would wish me a happy birthday.

Pretty much, day comes to a close and to my surprise, a few Facebook wishes started to trickle in. It was obviously not a whole lot, but I am grateful that some more people wished me.

The next day (today) comes around and apparently, low and behold, my Aunts text me Happy birthday messages. I was literally so surprised, and it kinda made me think, “ok, they may have gotten my sisters and my birthday“ ; mine is Sept 6 and my sis is Feb 7.

So now I just feel super guilty for making a fuss because “they didn’t text me yesterday”

The conclusion of this really stupid post is that…..I should really not jump to conclusions. I know it`s easy to think the worst, but there are other reasons behind it and you don`t really know the full story of the situation.    I guess I was so used to thinking so negatively and assume that no one cares about me anymore…..  I’m more or less over the whole Facebook thing, (to be honest I was thinking of deleting it soon…) but I’m just trying to not jump to conclusions so easily…..

This year’s birthday was not the best, and I can only imagine next year would probabaly be the same..or even worse. I’m really considering deleting Facebook, it gives me so much anxiety and I don’t want to see any more of my old High school “friends”.
Anyways, this is just another update to the previous post…

Catch you all later……… .