Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place; they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.

I Left My Internship…

Hey everyone……Yes, as from the title, I left my internship.

It’s actually been 4 days since I left, (my last day was on Jan 30), and I finally have some time to actually write a post about how everything went down. Ok…where the hell to begin…

So, from my previous post, I talked about my first week as an Intern. Well….a whole lot has happened obviously since then. (Also..I’m going to try to make this a brief and to the point as possible… ). During my 2nd week, it honestly felt like it didn’t get any better. I know in my previous post I said it kinda ended off in a good note, but, in all honesty, this whole thing continued to torment me.

There were plenty of things to despise about this place; for example, the ventilation was HORRIBLE. Most of my coworkers smoke, and they tend to smoke kinda half outside and half inside… So, every time I’m at my desk, I would constantly smell smoke. Working conditions were absolute shit… ugh, don’t get me started on the bathrooms too. Since this place is majority male, the floors are fucking nasty (can they not aim??!?!), and not to mention, there was no soap in the bathroom…so I always have to rely on my hand sanitizer…..

Right so those were the wonderful working conditions, let’s talk about the people. My trainer (“J”) was more or less the only person I feel comfortable there. Everyone else, I could really care less because there this one particular guy who is just downright annoying. It’s like he has some social ADHD or something, like he has to talk to someone every bit of the day. Not only that, he tends to be so noisy, he starts making random sounds in his seat like squeaking his chair around, fucking whistling (God knows how much I fucking hate when people whistle) and just blasting his fucking music out loud. And you know, I can’t just go up to him and be like, “Can you shut the fuck up”, because I’m literally the end of the totem pole here. Not only that, I feel already like I’m the joke of the place. Yeah, real good vibes, huh?

I’m known as the super quiet, anti social Asian girl who never gets up from her seat. Yup. And so, weeks go by, and things just keep on surprising me. That annoying guy I was talking about? Yeah, I hear him say things in a really derogatory Chinese accent. Wonderful. I hear some of the guys talk about females, in a very uncomfortable and kinda inappropriate way. Excellent. Oh…and do I smell weed? Yes I do! Some guy brought his vape, whatever the hell you call it to work, and started to smoke behind me and it smelled awfully a lot like weed. FANTASTIC PLACE TO BE AT, AINT IT?

As the weeks go by, I honestly don’t even know why those things just keep surprising me. These “types of people” who work here, are the “types” to do that sort of thing. I would always avoid them in High school and some people even look down on them. And what do you know, I ended up being in place filled with them.

BUT, among all of that….I still tried to tell myself to keep going and try one month at a time. And so, around the middle of January, I requested to talk to J about my progress-ish and also a heads up about where my mind is at. I told him that I may not be here for long, and he thought I would still stick around for more than a month, but I was like hell no. I told him, to not be surprised if I end up cancelling my contract in a month. He asked why of course. I told him very generally, like the commute is a big one – travelling almost 3 hours, ya know… , and I kinda beated around the bush about saying, I don’t fit in there. He kinda looked at me as if he got it, which honestly, I don’t know how else you can not deduce from that. And he just told me his life story about how he felt the same when he was in my position and like ok, ok, BS, I don`t beleive a word he says and how he`s trying to relate to my problems. Long story short, the talk didn’t exactly work 100% the way I imagined. Oh, and I also cried a bit because I’m a fucking emotional train wreck.

Last few things before this post gets too long, another big part of my decision was the fact I felt like I wasn’t really part of anything. I was assigned to do extremely miniscule things. I didn’t feel proud of it at all. Not only that, sometimes I would be in the middle of something, and then J would assign me to do something entirely different! Maybe it’s because I’m going too slow, but the fact that some of my tasks were literally incomplete, I felt like I really can’t put any of that onto my resume. And a really big part of it was that, when I applied, I applied to a specific role. A role that I am specialized in. Apparently the whole month, I was considered a Generalist and I did all sorts of random crap here and there. That was not what I signed up for. And OK, yes it’s always nice to have other things under your belt, but honestly, because I was learning small bits of each things and the fact I kept being put in different tasks, it feels like I’m not getting anything out of it at all. Does that make any sense..? D: (honestly I can’t seem to transfer my thoughts into words right now…) One last note, MAYBE, I felt I was put on small things was probably because they were just starting me off with baby steps..but still, it felt very…insignifacant.

And of course , throughout my time there, I found myself constantly thinking about my projects and the whole idea of self employment. Those thoughts never left me, and I just kept thinking, “Wow, what the hell am I doing here? I really want to work on my projects so badly..” Of course, while I would be thinking that, I would be crying at my desk because what is my life…
And so, the last day came around. I actually meant to tell them a week ahead, but because I was put on more and more random crap to do, I didn’t have time to tell them. So instead my mom suggested to send them an email, which I was against at first because I thought it was unprofessional.. and well, I’d rather tell them straight up in person. But because the time was coming soon, and I didn’t want to have to tell them when things were getting more and more busy, I emailed J. J never responded to my email, so I was left hanging all weekend (hm sounds familiar?) So on Monday, he told me he didn’t know what to say, which is I guess understandable because I do agree it was rather sudden. He told me it was ok and that Monday would be my last day. surprisingly, everyone there seemed to look fine…and alright with it. (Of course, I’m pretty much part of the wall, it makes no difference if I was there or not)

They actually surprised me with a friggin cake for me. I was so shocked and speechless, and just so dumbfounded. I never would have expected they would do something like this for me….and when we all ate cake, I knew I had to say my piece. So I thanked them for everything (even though it was the semi truth..) and that it was a great experience for me- which honestly, even though I was saying how much I hate it, I don’t regret this expeirence at all. I feel like it really taught me what to look for and what to do and not do etc. When I Was talking I got a little emotional, and I didn’t cry, but J had to blurt it out saying, “I told you she’ll cry!”………… Thank god I didn’t cry..but he really just had to rub the fact that I’m a fucking cry baby out loud… hooraay fantastic baby.

Well now that I’m typing this all up now, what’s left is the Reference letter they oh so promised to give me…which, now is 3 days gone, I have yet to see a reference letter in my email inbox…. I feel like that is what’s preventing me from moving on, and all I can think of is, ‘Where the hell is that letter they said they’ll give me…’ And in all honesty, I think they won’t give it to me. One because I’m a major pessimistic, but two, because…I feel like I didn’t do ANY sort of important work there….there should be no reason for a fucking letter… -_- Ugh…but the funny thing is, they kept saying they’ll give me one and the fact my contract says there would be one… And well…where is it? There is none! Whaddyaknow!

Anyways… this is getting long….besides from waiting for the never-gonna-get-sent reference letter, I’ve been trying to work on my own projects and trying to juggle other things like making cosplay stuff and working out…. I just really hope I won’t go back down that negative rut I was in before working there…because 2016 was a very tough year for me… Sighs. I’ll update more on future plans, I already made my 2017 goals, so I’m just gonna hope and pray that I’ll stick to it and …well, hope that this year, something awesome may actually happen.

My First Week as a Intern…

Warning: Long ass post….

Hey everyone…Happy 2017! I hope you all had a fun and safe New Years, as for I, I hung out with family…pretty standard, since I hardly go out to parties, especially now that I live in place that’s literally in the middle of nowhere…..

Now….let’s begin this “update” / “kinda rant” post… This will be a continuation from my previous post, where I talked about going into an interview for an internship. Well, my first day was this Tuesday (Jan 3) and let me just say….it was one of the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced. Going back a few weeks ago when I got the news that I actually got the job, I could not stop thinking about it. It took over my life and it seemed to really slow down my motivation to work on my current projects and other things, like I couldn’t fully feel invested in the current activity.

So the day before my start day, I got notification that my start date was moved a day later. It was originally 2nd, but since everyone else in the company apparently worked throughout the holidays, they took the 2nd off and everyone would come back on the 3rd. I remember feeling relieved, but at the same time worried again because I have to wait yet another day to begin this job. I had no idea what to expect; of course I had mainly negative things to foresee in this job, but I tried to make the best and think…it’s no big deal!………Right?

Well, was I ever wrong. My first day is what I consider a disaster. Firstly, I had to ask 3 people to double-check whether or not I was going in the right direction. I am terrible at navigating myself to places, and only rely on “visual landmarks” if that makes sense. I had to wake up friggin early, like 5:30 and we left around 6:15, and to travel to my bus station which is 40 minutes away. It was still dark and I literally could not see. Oh, it was heavily pouring rain too, that was a bonus! I had a legit panic attack as soon as I realized I could not find a way inside to the station and had to struggle to ask someone and she oh so graciously helped me and pretty much, I just had to keep walking straight…

OK, I get on the bus, ride another hour or so, to only get off and take my second bus…yeah, who the fuck does all of this commuting in the first place? Oh wait, me, because I’m a loser who is desperate to find work so I can safely tell people, I do work…. Anyways, I take my 2nd bus and I got off a wrong stop. Yay, I begin walking and it dawned to me that I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be. I had to ask yet another person and apparently, it was close by…so I had to keep walking and eventually after 15 or so minutes…I made it. For fucks sake, am I right?

Now I got there like 20 minutes early, so I just walked around and at the same time tried to tame my quickening heartbeat because as the time went by I just kept panicking more. There was absolutely nothing to do around there, as I described it in my previous post, there was nothing but factories and rundown buisnesses….it all just looked so sketchy and just… not appealing at all. Finally as the time became closer, I decided to go in. Holy shit, it took so many self talks to just keep walking to the front door..I was a friggin hot mess, not only physically because of the rain but mentally I was just so messed up from my anxiety. I got in, and literally it was dead quiet in there. I tried my best to not walk out and take the bus back home, but instead go and look for someone.

I peer into this office and to see apparently, the CEO of this place and I struggled to introduce myself and he told me to sit there and someone would come and get me…? Thankfully, just as I came in another woman walked in (she was one of the ones that interviewed me..) and she looked like she had never seen me before and it registered in her mind that I was the one that got picked and she took me upstairs where all of the computers were. I see pretty much a bit more familiar faces and it just all started to sink that…this was it. This is relaity…this is actually happening. I’m standing in a room full of strangers, who are going to be working with me. OMG. My heart rate just spikes up.

A guy who interviewed me, greeted me first, and I awkwardly said hi to him and tried my best to greet everyone there. The guy took me to my computer and told me I would be working there. It was slow as I just sat there where everyone else mingled and talked about their new years party. I just sat there awkwardly and the guy (not saying any names, let’s call him J) tried to include me and said I shouldn’t be shy and I should relax. Well shit, if he knew what I was going through and feeling right now, it’s not easy to just “not be shy and to relax”, like, hell no.

Apparently there was a meeting I had to join, so we all went in this room and I finally got to meet our leader ( I literally have no idea what his role is, he claims to have the 2nd in most control of the place) and he starts talking about current projects and his visions. THis place is a very, very, very small place to begin with, and they are seriously understaffed. Like what the actual hell. The leader starts preaching about what he wants for this company (oh and he swears a whole lot in front of us, this is a VERY casual/chill place….) and he starts yapping about how he hates how “older employers” look down on this company because we’re young (which is true, the average age for this place is like 26 tbh). Anyways, he kept talking about how he just wants us to keep working and says he doesn’t care if we’re sick, he wants results as fast as possible. OK, some may take that as just joking and overexagerating….no, I honestly feel he was being serious. Which scares me, because I was not planning on staying here long…

Meeting ended, and I was finally assigned something. I tried my best to do it and J checked in  to see how I was and whatever. Some time during the day, he was trying his best to teach me what should have been done…and I literally had to watch him work for like another hour. Oh btw, after the meeting, they all went to lunch. Do I drive? No I don’t, did I bring my lunch? Oh yes, I’m just that person! So everyone literally left and I was stuck there eating my lunch and doing my work, which is completely fine because everyone was gone…but the feeling of being left out? Ah I dunno, I didn’t care because honestly, I can say I cannot mesh or click with these people at all.

There was an older gentlemen, who didn’t go out to eat and I got a chance to talk to him. He initiated the convo obviously because, hello, I can’t speak first for shit. The day went on and things were just….riding along, I was still awkwardly glued to my seat because the only time I get up is to use the bathroom…-_-. I don’t exactly remember everything (trying to also block out the nightmares from it..) but the day ended, and I got to leave. Most of them stayed behind to do more work, but I’m all like get me the fuck out of here. So I left, and J was kind enough to actually drive me to the bus stop, because it was still pouring rain. Which…hoenstly gave me a positive impression of him, and I appreciate it. Going back home, is where I almost felt I got lost yet again, I had a mini panic attack in the bus as I was staring at the stop title monitor thing like a serial killer.

I had to ask someone and turned to the lady next to me, which startled her because I just randomly asked if the bus passed the street I had to get off and she said it hadn’t. What do you know, the next stop was the one and I got off and took the last bus to meet up with my mom so he could drive another fucking hour back home. Just to let you know, the total commute is about 3 fucking hours..ONE WAY. Awesome, huh?

Let me just say, I was very upset and overwhelmed with my first day. I had to talk to my mom and literally, cried my heart out because it was just so bad. It may not seem like it was a disastrous day, but honestly, I tried to block out all of those bad memories out and was just so fed up with everything. I was exhausted, mentally and physically and was just in a state of fear, anxiousness and worry. Almost like a nightmare, but was coming true and in reality. My mom tried her best to comfort me and I can tell she looked worried and also shocked to see me so upset. I told her I wanted to leave and not do this again and honestly, I truly felt that at the time. But I knew deep down I wanted to try for a week. My mom says it was just the first day blues and it was expected to feel overwhelmed because it my first day. But I felt so scared…I didn’t want to go back and I felt uncomfortable with the people around me. J and the older man are the only ones that I feel comfortable with.

It was a rough night, and so after the long talk with my mom, I took a shower to freshen up and slept early to go on the next day. I prayed (like every night), for a better day and to give me clarity so I can decided what I want to do with everything. So the next day came around and I got onto all my busses successfully, thankfully and got to the place. The day started the same, and J assigned me to fix something which I went to go do. Apparently they had another meeting, but the leader didn’t join them since he was on his phone, swearing up the place like it’s no big deal and eventually went to the meeting. I could hear them shouting and talking about everything, which made me uncomfortable again. And let me just say this…part of me had this feeling that something will blow up. I don’t know what, but I sensed an argument, or some sort of confrontation rising up.

Their meeting lasted about 2 hours, and J came back to see how I was doing, and apparently it was all good. Then the leader came to me to see what I was doing and I told him I was doing the next piece and he just snapped. He was yelling at J across the room, and saying how I should have the full list of things to do, and J told him that we was working on the rest. The leader was literally screaming at all of us, saying we’re not working together and that he needs to have everything all done by the certain day and blah blah blah. Like holy shit, he just exploded and yelled at all of us, and let me just say…that is not a good look. It was also something I didn’t need since I was already unsure about this whole place. And I think this was my clarity. I know I can’t control who I work with, but if I see that I’ll be working under some mad man like that guy…..fuck that, I don’t want to deal with his outburst ass.

But I thought of J, and I kept thinking, if I leave in a week (that was my first plan), not only does it look bad on my part but I would feel extremely guilty because J would be doing all of the work by himself. I always wondered why was I, the only intern on board, and I wanted to know why they couldn’t find others….oh right, because this place is not legit and I’m not getting paid, and that I’m working under a crazy person..

Ugh it’s hard remembering what happened since the past few days were so rough on me…. But on the same day, a guy who sits sorta next to me, tries to strike a conversation with me. Since I don’t initiate anything…I’m sure it’s awkward for everyone since they probably think of me as some quiet loner…which is very true…. Anyways, I don’t know how the topic came about, but we were talking about smoking… (the fuck…?) and he was like, “Oh, I can’t imagine (my name) smoking!” And I tend to have a habit of stuttering, especially when I’m in an uncomfortable position (24/7) and I was like, “N-no-no, I d-don’t s-s-smoke!” And you know what he did? He literally imitated my fucking stutter with his “girl” voice. Wow.

Now OK, some may think he’s joking and whatnot…but seriously…. That is not what I needed… Am I being a party pooper or something? Maybe I am…but, my 2nd day was better…but it still had moments where I just felt like I wanted to leave right away.

Now onto my 3rd day, I got back from work and honestly…..things kinda turned out alright. The beginning was a bit of a rough start because my leader came crashing in again and was close to having another outbursts. He wanted me to do something I am not comfortable with, so I told him I wanted learn something new instead. He actually liked the idea, and said it was good that I’m learning- in my head I was relieved he agreed but at the same time wondered if he really did care…all I wants is results fast….

So J sort of taught me, and despite him not consistently making sense, I felt I got the gist of everything. So I began to do my work and I think I got the hang of it. Everyone then all went to lunch….and I was left upstairs, glued to my seat…too afraid to go down to the kitchen to eat with everyone else. Yeah…..that was the low part of my day, I’m still not comfortable going down to see everyone having fun and laughing. I instead ate at my desk and worked…..

No one was in the room and I had a moment to myself which was what I needed since, I tend to go insane when I’m surrounded with people. While I was working I kept hearing everyone talking and laughing….. It honestly made me feel worse. I know, I brought it upon myself essentially, but I can’t just go down there like it’s nothing…It takes me so much energy and courage to even go up to someone and talk….

Day went on, and it kind of got better from there. J told me I did well on my task, which I obviously doubted his praise ( I always do…blame my insecurity with everything) and then for the last hour, we just talked. And it was kinda nice, he always has random things to say and the other guy (the one who mimicked me…) joined in, and we all just had small talks…but it felt…alright. LIke for a few minutes I felt, comfortable and not afraid even. I don’t know how it turned out like that…but it did.

Anyways, day ended, I missed my bus….had to wait in the cold for another 40 min, so that sucked, but other than that, my 3rd day….wasn’t AS bad. I’m still trying to accept the fact I have another week to go through, but I’m really trying here. I’m trying to be more confident and to be more positive about going into everyday. I’m trying to get up around 6:15 and push my ass to get ready and once I’m there, I’m trying to push myself to the front entrance. Yeah….I have backed out many times, but ended up walking in those doors….

In the end…I know that I will be getting experience out of this, no matter what. Experienced in my work, people, how to get to places etc. I know I have said I’m willing to only try a month…but I dunno. I still miss my old life, I miss the days I get to work on my projects in relative peace…I don;t know where everything will take me. I feel things happen for a reason…and I don’t want to always chicken my way out of everything….. Sigh, we’ll see I guess. I’ll try to keep posting, and if anything “major” happens of course…I’ll defiently be writing here.

[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

Update on my “New Job”

Hey everyone, I got another update for you guys regarding…my supposedly new job. After you read that, you know something f-ed up is about to go down.

Well, first off, Happy new year, I know it’s obviously passed the new year but whatever, I bet you all had resolutions all planned up and probably breaking all of them right now (I know i am…) Anyways enough about that, so, its the new year and its supposed to be that time when I was supposed to start at my new job. If you read my previous post, I talked about my journey to that interview and the job offer that was laid out to me. I was told in an email that I was supposed to come in Mid-January………that’s like, right now isn’t it? -.-

Well….here is what happened.

 

So, all of December, I pretty much stopped looking for places. I stopped sending my resumes and reel to studios after the interview, because I felt they genuinely wanted me. Heck they set a time frame of when I could start. With my previous post, you know how happy I felt. I felt relatively relaxed knowing that I don’t have to go searching anymore. Well, am I ever more wrong.

I had doubts in the beginning, and it traveled until this day. I was happy, but there was this weird doubt lurking around and I just couldn’t fully be happy about it. I knew something was up. Maybe it’s me being a pessimist 24/7, but I couldn’t shake off those weird doubts I was having. And so, last week, I checked my email, (I do everyday) and there was no response from the studio. I was beginning to feel really anxious again, and so I sent them a follow up email to them asking them if the position is still available and if yes, could they tell me a start date. I Sent that last Wednesday.

No response. And it’s friggin MOnday right now. Am I being too naggy? Hell no, its been 3 work days already, I’ve expected them to at least tell me the latest news if I’m in or not. But no. Still nothing. Funny right? Stupid shit always seems to happen to me.

I don’t even know now. To be honest, I’m not even disapointed by the fact I didn’t get it, I’m more disapointed by the fact they couldn’t even send a fucking email telling me I’m not the right fit. Especially the build up they gave me, and they even gave me a fucking estimated date to start. What the actual fuck. Great start to 2016. ANd if things couldn’t get any worse, I have a delightfully exciting family party this weekend. I’m being hella sarcastic, fuck no I don’r want to see my relatives, especially with absolutely no news about my “new job”.

I don’t even know anymore. I thought things were going great, or at least beginning to get “newer”, but I Guess it’s back to searching for more jobs all over again. You see, shit like this always happens to me. People always seem to forget about me or replace me with something/someone better.

I don’t know how much of this I could take. Each day is just as bland as the other. I feel worthless and useless, and me being worried about what other people think of me, my whole family and friends judging me so hard, thinking “I’m so lazy,” and that I can’t do shit. I told myself, I wished I could find something before the new year, and early December, it really seemed like I got it. But I guess not, it was a joke. The doubts I was having, it came true, every negative thing I predict always comes around and happens.

Well, that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t know how much I could take. I don’t want to do anything rash, I’m so scared that I will. Because Nothing good really exists with me.

I applied to this place…and…?

Hey everyone, I got a little update to share with you all, and from the title…you probably can guess what happened. About A week and a half ago, first off i didn’t have wifi again and was at the library doing my usual job hunting stuff and came across a posting that was quite ideal for me. It required 1 year experience but for some reason, I applied anyways. Usually when it’s under 2 years, I would apply anyway. So that’s what I did and a week later, I still didn’t have wifi so I was yet again at the library…and I got a response.

I felt my heart pound ridiculously hard and I opened it, reading that they want to meet me and I could schedule a day and time to meet with them. I was at first so in shock, someone actually responded…and noticed me. I of course couldn’t even think straight, closed my email and did other things. But it came going through my mind, all I kept thinking was, ‘Omg…someone wants to see me.’ ‘I have an interview’, ‘I’m going to have to talk to these people.’ , ‘I don’t want to blow this up, but I’m so friggin scared.’ and other random things along those lines.

Later that night, I responded (after talking about it with my mom) I accepted it and set a date and time. The next day they responded, and agreed to the day I chose.

It was like 3 days till the interview, and I was anxious af, you have no idea. I was stressing over the littlest things, and I was divided in my mind- one part of me wants nothing part to do it, I was friggin afraid and the other part wants to do it, I have been waiting so long for this, I’ve prayed every night for something like this, why should I back out? Of course, part of me wanted to do it, maybe it’s because of that face, after you graduate from uni or college, you’re expected to go find work and work in that field you studied in. I was pressured and embarrassed from that I still couldn’t find work and now that someone has noticed me and asked to meet me, I feel that feeling slowly drifting away.
It is now replaced with fear of screwing up and being completely awkward in front of them and not being fun at all.

And so, the day came. My mom actually came with me (not to the interview obviously, but on the commute there as I am shit at directions and also she needed to check the stores around there, but that’s besides the point..) and we actually got lost a bit, the studio was so hidden, I arrived 15 minutes late -_-.

I managed to find it and went in. With palms sweating and heart racing so fast it could pop out, I went into the studio. There was no one there and I kinda stood there awkwardly, and i peeked in a room and I saw some people working there. Of course, being that awkward girl, I ran back and paced back and forth hoping that someone can pop up in front of me. Someone did eventually and I asked for the lady that recruited me and I met her, shook her hand and tried not to be so damn nervous.

I have done some interviews, but this was something I’ve been waiting for a long time and I really didn’t want to mess this up. And, to my surprise, they didn’t ask any of the questions I rehearsed. It’s as if….they kinda wanted me. They talked about the project they are working on and I met with one of the guys working there, and slowly I felt a bit more comfortable there.

At the end, they asked if I was interested and I Just froze. I gave a BS answer and told them if I can get back to them and said it was because of the commute was a pain in the ass. They nodded and I guess looked OK for me to think it through. I shook their hands again and said goodbye quickly rushing out of the building to cool my face.
And so, I emailed them back and accepted it. I’m not going to go in really big detail, but there were some big deciding factors in accepting it, one major one is I was assigned to do a role that is out of my comfort zone. I denied it and I’m afraid that I didn’t make a great impression because of that. But she said I would be starting Mid January next year, and so not only am I not doing that other role, but I don’t have to work yet.

This post is getting rather long, but pretty much up till now, I just want to do well there. I don’t want them to regret picking me, I don’t want to let them down, you know? I mean I know there is a first for everything, and I don’t think she expects me to be senior veteran level, but i feel she hopes that I do “more than my skills can go”, if that makes sense. Sighs, anyways I still feel stressed, especially when I denied doing a certain role and I just feel awfully stupid for doing that…..

ANYWAYS, this is getting hella long, I am very grateful that someone noticed me…and I just hope that everything will go right, I mean, I Just don’t want it to be too troublesome….and of course, I hope that I could still enjoy doing the things I love to do, along with working there. I know commuting is gonna eat away a whole chunk of my day…but I guess that’s how it is in the first place. I guess you can say, I am more genuinely happy than scared, but there’s still a big part of me that’s terrified to the max( and the fact I have to wait till next January to start >.<).

If you read my other posts, you can see how much I wanted a job and here it is, I shouldn’t complain. I prayed every night and well..I guess God did answer. One of them was that I don’t want this year to end and that I still can’t find anything, and just in the beginning of December, something happened. Hm, something to really appreciate and be grateful for.

Alright I’ll go now, I’m just rambling. The next time I’ll post it probably will be about my new job…and I hope I don’t go crazy anxious there… See ya later.