Sh*tty Birthday 2.0

Hey all,

It’s not very often I post “frequently” huh? Well, I feel the need to type this up and post it..because it’s just really getting on my nerves.. So I’m just going to just spit it out and hopefully this post will be quick and to the point, because I don’t want to keep dwelling on this any longer.

Well….It’s about my birthday. Today, to be exact (or the 6th, depending on time zones etc.)

So, as from a previous post that’s literally a year ago, I talked about having the worst birthday ever. Long story short, it was about me being upset, disappointed and hurt…because of something extremely stupid. The fact only a very small handful have sent birthday wishes on my timeline…yeah..hella stupid right? Well, I was pretty depressed and upset last year….but..September 2017 rolls around…I got the same anxiety as last year, but the only difference is…I know even fewer people will wish me happy birthday.

And that’s that. I woke up…only my sister wished me on Facebook. Maybe 4 hours or so later, another person did…,and just about now 2 more people have, and that’s it. It’s practically almost 12Am going into the 7th now…a total of 4 people have wished me happy birthday. My aunts and 2 of my cousins have texted a happy birthday wish and also my other friend did too…other than that…na dah.

Yeah. How idiotic to be writing another damn post about this again, right?

And am I upset and hurt? Of course. But am I surprised and feel “blindsided”? No.

Here’s the thing. I was honestly not surprised. Hell, I even expected it. But it did hurt like a motherfucker, especially when Facebook has that damn feature where it announces to everyone on your friends list that, “HEY, IT’S ________ BIRTHDAY! WHY DON’T YOU WISH THEM ONE? EH? WHAT’S THAT? NO? YOU DON’T WANT TO? OK, IT’LL BE CLEAR AS DAY TO THE WORLD THAT THE MAJORITY OF THEIR “FRIEND’S” DON’T GIVE A SHIT!”

(sorry for the major caps…)

But it’s really because of that. I hardly use Facebook, in fact, I never go on it anymore. Even with last year’s post, I said I would delete it…but nope, never gotten around to do it. Why, I really don’t know. I think it has something to do with possibly thinking later-on-the-future-I-would-want-to-contact-them-again BS. You’re probably thinking, why not just take down my birthday so no one gets notified, well…yeah..I learned my lesson now. Because it really makes no fucking difference if I have it there or not.

Also, I don’t know why I even bother to give two shits about it. JUst the day before, I told myself, it doesn’t matter, it’s such a small stupid little thing…it shouldn’t ruin my day. And well, it almost did. I had a small breakdown, I really couldn’t help it, but it just hurts. I push a lot of people away, I suck at keeping in touch with people (hence I literally only have 2 friends..) and not only that, I’m extremely picky with who I want to open myself up to.

Because of all of that, it’s ironic, because why the hell do I expect people who I don’t even talk to anymore, to go out of their way and wish me a generic happy birthday wish? Yeah, it’s baffles me too. It’s totally ironic. I shouldn’t expect them to give a damn about me when on other days of the year, I don’t want them to give a damn about me anyways, so what makes my birthday so special? I think it’s just because I’m afraid of what people think of me.

I’ve always been quiet, an introverted….a loser. And well, Facebook is such a “in your face” platform, the less you are active on there, and the less people interact with you , it’s instantly a giant platform with a big ass arrow that points LOSER to you.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to embrace and think differently instead. I’m trying to cherish the ones that do care, and even if it was a random person that wished me one, I’m grateful for their time to say that to me. I shouldn’t care and worry about what people think of me, or who didn’t say..because in a way, they have all the right to not wish me one. Instead, I want to keep the ones that do, and work on building better relationships with the ones that do care. And to not take people for granted..and defiently not create brooding memories that will haunt me 24/7.

My birthday is nearing the end…I am sure glad it’s coming to a close..but at the same time, I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time worrying and thinking about who will wish me a happy birthday. Because the ones that do, will always have my back, and of course, I will in return have theirs. This is just something I have to realize…and also know that everyone has lives…no one is glued on Facebook forever.

And well, to take off my birthday on my account..or even delete it, and possibly create a new one and just add back the ones that matter to me the most…which…is honestly less than 10..but..thats another problem of mine where I won’t bother sharing…yet.

Anyways… till next time…

 

 

 

 

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[Life Update] When You Expect Too Much From Someone…

Hey all……..holy moley, has it been a long time… As always, things have been rough, and finding motivation to post and also a post worthy enough to write is always hard. But today, there has been something that has been boiling under my skin for a bit.

So, I’m going to try to make this back story summary brief, but I can’t recall if I mentioned it here, but 2017 has been a year of “what the hell do I want to do with my life” thoughts. I’ve begun to do a lot more artsy stuff, like, I got back into painting, I definitely got back into drawing and working full gear on my manga again, and even started on buying tons of art supplies and crafts because…well, early this year I had thoughts of wanting to be self-employed. Or should I say, a self employed artist/author-ish.

Yeah.

Humongous jump from the direction where my other posts were going (actually I’m too lazy to look back, so I may have mentioned the whole self-employed plan on here before). It was a thought that kept me thinking over and over again, and I feel like my whole idea for a career, has shifted. Not a whole lot, since this is still in the “creative” aspect, but it is different.

So long story short, I want to try to go through the self-employed route. progress? Nope, na-dah. absolutely nothing. And it’s not like there’s no prominent results…it’s literally…nothing is friggin happening. I have yet to start to put my works out to the world, I have not “seriously” worked on my manga…nothing. And it sucks. I’m so frustrated with myself, because I keep thinking about this “plan” of mine. But I think it all boils down to self-doubt and fear. The fact I feel like I’m not good enough to share my works out to the public, and that I’m afraid of the copying issue and that “what if no one likes my stuff?” It’s an endless cycle of negativity…and I deal with it every single friggin day. I sometimes feel so inspired and want to do it…but when it comes to it…nothign happens. I end up finding excuses to not do it…sometimes it just flies by my mind and I realize the day is ending, and then, oh shit, I didn’t do it, yet again…

This idea or plan has been around ever since I left that internship. In other words….more than half of the fucking year has gone by…and I didn’t do jack shit for myself. I just can’t fathom how much I hate myself right now, I’m just so frustrated with just everything. I’m a friggin failure as a human being…

 

Anyways, and so, that leads to today. I planned an outing with my guy friend, to help review and critique my first draft manga. Now, how I do my manga is definitely not the way to go. The panels were too blocky and ugly, there are still derpy looking pictures, the word bubbles were all over the place and the dialogue is just….meh. Not to mention, there are no backgrounds, sound effects and all that other stuff. What I’m trying to say is…..it’s in it’s rawest of the rawest forms.

So, my friend and I did our outing, we had lunch and did some other things. But then it got down to heading to a library and start reviewing. From the text, he seemed to want to help review, and as a fellow writer, I was glad and relieved to see that he wouldn’t mind looking it over. Not to mention, I did warn him beforehand that it was a total of 160 pages….. Now, we had less than 3 hours (before the library closes) so I knew reading all of that is impossible. So I just hoped that he would get to at least the “turning point” of my story.

Our outing turned out a little different. Usually, I would have no problems hanging out with him; we’re very alike, we like to write, we’re both “nerds”, (both Virgos may I add), relatively like the same stuff..and well, he’s just really easy to talk to. But for some odd reason, this outing was not the same. There were a lot of awkward moments of silence, sometimes I could see that he was uninterested with everything, other times he looked like he wasn’t even listening to me….I had no idea what the hell was going on. So of course, being me, it made me feel really uncomfortable and more reluctant to want to show him. Maybe it was because the previous time we hung out…long story short, it was a mini cosplay convention..and well, he accidentally broke my prop sword….yeah…I don’t know if that was still lingering around and caused a bad vibe…but damn, the outing was just friggin frustrating and different.

Anyways, back to the present, we’re at the library, I took out my manga, and I’m not sure if he forgot…but he looked shocked and kind of reluctant to read all of it. And just by the initial look, I knew he wouldn’t finish all of it, or even close to half. I gave him a small batch and he began to read. Of course, I’m just extremely nervous, I looked away and did my thing. He read it pretty fast, and there were some times he would ask to clarify some things or ask what something said, and I would try to explain it quickly without giving away stuff. Anyways, as the pages went by, I could see he looked more and more less motivated to keep reading. Every batch I would always ask if he would want to keep reading, and there would always be a pause..but he would say, “yeah, just give me another batch”. I could just tell from his voice he was over it, but I gave him the next batch.

After he was done, I gave him an ultimatum, and said, if he could read up to the “turning point” of my story..and immediatly I saw his face just turned to “oh hell no.”, but tried to hide and ask how many pages was left to that part. I told him it was exactly 30 more pages and well…he was not down. At this point, I was just not surprised and was well…hurt and frustrated with how this whole outing which was meant to help review my work…turned into an hour shit show disappointment. So, In total he read about 50 pages out of the 160.

First off, let me say this, I get it..I was not expecting him to read the whole damn thing under 3 hours…but I was really hoping he would make an effort to at least read most of it, or at least look like he would help. Nope. He just had to show such disinterest. He said it wasn’t his cup of tea, I get it, but as a friend to help someone out…couldn’t he do more? Am I expecting too much? Because I would have done the same, I hate disappointing people more than anything. And well, he kind disappointed me. I was so upset that he just didn’t want to keep going. Though, I was the one that called it off since I also don’t like to force people to do stuff…but I was really hoping he would help out more…I don’t know, I think I could be a bit too harsh…but I was not happy.

And of course…I got emotional. I friggin cried…fml. I had to make a stupid little waterworks scene…and I could just see he got more uncomfortable. I literally wanted to disappear. At the moment, I just kept thinking, “what have I done? I wasted my friggin time.” and just endless thoughts of regret. He somewhat tried to comfort me, but I just tried to shake it off and say it wasn’t his fault and that I didn’t know why I was so emotional. I doubt he believed me but whatever…this reviewing session turned out to be the worse case scenario…. And so, I tried to just move on and somewhat explained why I got upset, didn’t say too much in detail, just said I was really hoping that he’d read a bit more…but then the damn tears had to keep coming down so I just cut the conversation short…and tried to move on.

 

So, after the disaster of a critique session, I tried to move past it and hide that I was extremely upset. We headed to the trains to go back home. Once we were seated, we just casually just talked about random things. I had to bring up my concern about my story again, and that conversation led to telling him about my plan to want to be self employed. He didn’t look surprised, but probably was thinking it was going to take a hell of a long time for me…which I already assumed, hence the reason why I haven’t done anything about it.

He wasn’t totally against my plans, he was just stating the realistic side of it, which I get. The conversation about that died down, until an older women randomly came up to us..well me, in particular. I thought she was going to scold me for pressing my feet into the cushions, but to my surprise, she actually heard my conversation.

She said, “that I should go for it”, and that “I should do what I want to do. And that life is too short, and to not care what other think.” I was so stunned at first, Was I really talking that loud? and two,…someone seemed to care. I was speechless, no one ever came up to me and tried to motivate me. I smiled and said thank yu for her advice and motivation, and she added that, “Go and follow your dreams, and that she wished she had done it.” And then, she went back to her seat.

I was mesmerized, (I really wanted to ask her what she’d want to do, but then you know, social anxiety started to kick me in the ass again.) , and I couldn’t help but feel my eyes watering up again. I’m just super emotional today…uugh, but this time it was, happy tears. Or at least, definitely not sad ones. I know it sounds really dumb, but it was almost like, I needed to hear that from someone or anyone for that matter. hearing her say those motivating things..really makes me want to go for it and not be afraid..and to just DO IT! Life is too short, I know that, friggin 2017 went by like it was nothing.

After, the woman had to leave for her stop, and before she left, she came up to me again, and said “to keep on working on it” and “to not give up my book” (Well, she probably heard the little bit about me saying I want to write but it’s actually a manga…aha..ah….) And then she left.

It was weird, I had doubts about my story, especially after the horrible review I had with my friend…but after hearing what she said, it really made me cherish all the hard work I did to make it, despite it not appeal to someone else. In some ways, this outing was not a complete waste…because, if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have heard what that woman said.

And the thing is, I want to do it all the more. I’m feeling more motivated..and even more confident. Almost like, I don’t want what she told me go to waste, if that makes sense. I really do hope I strive for it..because that’s all I’ve been thinking. I really can’t stand to want to work a 9-5 job like everyone else..it just doesn’t suit me or my anxiety… so why not go for something that will make me happy? Happiness is all I ever want…I don’t plan to be a millionaire…I just want to live happily while working on things I’m passionate about.

So that wraps up the day…it was quite a long one..but I can’t say it was for nothing. I feel like, as cheesy as it sounds, it was meant to be that I came across the kind woman. I really hope I do it and pursue what I want to..because this currently the only thing I go going…. I’ll keep you guys posted..to whoever the heck reads my gibberish…. I hope I’ll update with “good” news about my progress..and well… hope that everything all works out…

{ Update } Feeling Forgotten

Hey all…..so….yeah..I have decided to make a follow up post with the previous one. If you don’t know the whole shebang, pretty much I was bat shit worried about whether or not anyone would wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

What the actual fuck right? I know, I worry about the most tiniest/stupidest  things ever……….. welcome to my life.
Oh and there was more (stupid) things that I was dealing with but that’s not really the whole point……

So this is just a follow up post, and I’ll tell you all what happened..

So after I posted the previous post up, I immediately felt extremely anxious. It was almost 12 AM and literally, I kept wondering whether or not anyone would post anything. I watched a comedy just to take my mind off of it, which it kinda helped. And once the movie ended, it was around 2 AM.

I checked facebook…..and only one person posted. Who was one of my main close friends. (btw…it was that friend who I made a post a few months ago…yeah..)

I tried to not let it get me  and turned off my phone and went to bed. As everynight…I prayed; the usual about hoping to get a job and…well….for my birthday to be a decent day and that I can handle whatever that comes the next day (my bday).

Next morning..I was extremely anxious. I didn`t sleep at all because I was so worried about the number of wishes I`ll get. See how stupid it is. I opened up Facebook…..

And only 1 other person posted after my friend. So in total, only 2 people have said something.

I felt my heart drop so hard. I felt the tears starting to come down my eyes and literally, I just sobbed into my pillow. It`s almost like, I knew it would happen, but I was delusional to think that there would be more than just 2 people to wish mea happy birthday. So I laid there staring at the screen and just knew that my birthday is not a good day.

I was stayed in my room, until my sister came in and wished me  Happy birthday. I could tell she noticed my puffy eyes. I thanked her and she went off. My parents eventually came and wished me a happy birthday and hugged me. As soon as I saw their happy faces, I felt the tears come back again. (YOu`re probabaly thinking I`m absolutly weird and stupid for letting something so small get me down….well…yeah…you`re right… it is pretty stupid. but it gets me..)

I told my mom I wanted to talk to her and she said she can talk with me after they went grocery shopping. From the time she left and came back, no one else has wished me anything. I must`ve had 3 more breakdowns. The feeling of being forgotten and uncared….it`s I guess one of my fears…

My mom came back and we talked and I explained everything. She looked sympathetic but  probably thought I was overreacting. I was a crying mess when I Talked with her. She told me that it was ok, and I should look beyond it. Anyways….still felt like shit after, but for some reason it`s almost like I accepted that no one else would say anything. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful to whoever wishes me a happy birthday, even if it`s just 2 people. But it kinda is like a slap in the face because, that just shows my life- I don`t have a lot of friends, and well…..i`m a loser too…..

Another reason the day went to shit, is that normally my Aunts would text me a Happy birthday message. The whole day, I got no text from them.

So the day went on. I felt extremely anxious and unproductive with my day. We eventually went out to eat, (it’s a tradition that birthdays we`d go to the wherever the birthday person wants) and things got a teeny bit better. LIke  I said, I think it was because I already accepted the fact that only 2 people would wish me a happy birthday.

Pretty much, day comes to a close and to my surprise, a few Facebook wishes started to trickle in. It was obviously not a whole lot, but I am grateful that some more people wished me.

The next day (today) comes around and apparently, low and behold, my Aunts text me Happy birthday messages. I was literally so surprised, and it kinda made me think, “ok, they may have gotten my sisters and my birthday“ ; mine is Sept 6 and my sis is Feb 7.

So now I just feel super guilty for making a fuss because “they didn’t text me yesterday”

The conclusion of this really stupid post is that…..I should really not jump to conclusions. I know it`s easy to think the worst, but there are other reasons behind it and you don`t really know the full story of the situation.    I guess I was so used to thinking so negatively and assume that no one cares about me anymore…..  I’m more or less over the whole Facebook thing, (to be honest I was thinking of deleting it soon…) but I’m just trying to not jump to conclusions so easily…..

This year’s birthday was not the best, and I can only imagine next year would probabaly be the same..or even worse. I’m really considering deleting Facebook, it gives me so much anxiety and I don’t want to see any more of my old High school “friends”.
Anyways, this is just another update to the previous post…

Catch you all later……… .

I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.

There is this friend of mine…..

Heylo again…this is gonna be another rant aha…don’t I love ranting? I do actually..lol..no really, all of my rants are all things that bother/piss me off, so yaaah, let’s begin shall we?

Now from my title, you can probably know what it’s going to be about. So obviously, I’m not going to mention any names here..but I have this one friend, I went to college with her, and throughout my 3 college years, we have gotten close. Random side note, is that my cousin told me (before I stared college) is that the people you meet in College/Uni, you will “click” with them a lot more, than ones in high school. Its because you’re in the same program, or relevant program, and you share the same interest as each other. So naturally, you bond better.

And so, I found a really good friend, who likes the same stuff as me, and even are the same personality type <- does that make sense? Like she’s shy and quiet too, like me :3

OK, so, anyways my friend graduated a year earlier than I did, (because our program had this extended version of the program and I took that one, whereas she took the shortened version) and so, for my last year, she was not in school anymore (duh) Because of that, I’ve lost in touch with her by a lot. I’m not really great at keeping in touch with people, I don’t even talk to any of my high school “friends” so, yeah, go figure.

ANyways, I try my best to keep in touch with her, because I genuinely like her as a person and good friend. We talk occasionally, but lately she hasn’t even responded any of my messages on Facebook. Or that she takes forever long to reply back…(I sound like a dude, don’t I?) And you know Facebook now, it makes it so damn obvious that someone has read your messages with that check mark sign… And also that she is active on Facebook, like I see her liking stuff and posting whatever on her wall..

Wow, I sound like a naggy and clingy person huh? 😦 Anyways, the point is, I’m just scared I will lose her as a friend. She was so nice to me, and I really felt “like myself'”, and I was comfortable whenever I am with her. Sometimes when I’m with my other friend, she just drives me crazy and my anxiety goes up the roof.

Recently I asked my college friend if she wanted to go to some Anime convention lol, and she responded shortly after saying shr would come if I would go. SO I was like, great, let’s plan for it then!..and then she stopped responding again..-_- Am I really that…boring…unintersting? >.< Sighs, anyways, that was my problem of the day (besides from the previous nuisance).

I just don’t know anymore, am I the only one feeling this way? I just feel like every single one of my friends will leave me…and who will I be then? >__< I don’t want to keep thinking of that…sighs…alright, enough of this sad crap…Imma go now… I Hope things will be brighter for me soon….