Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

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Update on my “New Job”

Hey everyone, I got another update for you guys regarding…my supposedly new job. After you read that, you know something f-ed up is about to go down.

Well, first off, Happy new year, I know it’s obviously passed the new year but whatever, I bet you all had resolutions all planned up and probably breaking all of them right now (I know i am…) Anyways enough about that, so, its the new year and its supposed to be that time when I was supposed to start at my new job. If you read my previous post, I talked about my journey to that interview and the job offer that was laid out to me. I was told in an email that I was supposed to come in Mid-January………that’s like, right now isn’t it? -.-

Well….here is what happened.

 

So, all of December, I pretty much stopped looking for places. I stopped sending my resumes and reel to studios after the interview, because I felt they genuinely wanted me. Heck they set a time frame of when I could start. With my previous post, you know how happy I felt. I felt relatively relaxed knowing that I don’t have to go searching anymore. Well, am I ever more wrong.

I had doubts in the beginning, and it traveled until this day. I was happy, but there was this weird doubt lurking around and I just couldn’t fully be happy about it. I knew something was up. Maybe it’s me being a pessimist 24/7, but I couldn’t shake off those weird doubts I was having. And so, last week, I checked my email, (I do everyday) and there was no response from the studio. I was beginning to feel really anxious again, and so I sent them a follow up email to them asking them if the position is still available and if yes, could they tell me a start date. I Sent that last Wednesday.

No response. And it’s friggin MOnday right now. Am I being too naggy? Hell no, its been 3 work days already, I’ve expected them to at least tell me the latest news if I’m in or not. But no. Still nothing. Funny right? Stupid shit always seems to happen to me.

I don’t even know now. To be honest, I’m not even disapointed by the fact I didn’t get it, I’m more disapointed by the fact they couldn’t even send a fucking email telling me I’m not the right fit. Especially the build up they gave me, and they even gave me a fucking estimated date to start. What the actual fuck. Great start to 2016. ANd if things couldn’t get any worse, I have a delightfully exciting family party this weekend. I’m being hella sarcastic, fuck no I don’r want to see my relatives, especially with absolutely no news about my “new job”.

I don’t even know anymore. I thought things were going great, or at least beginning to get “newer”, but I Guess it’s back to searching for more jobs all over again. You see, shit like this always happens to me. People always seem to forget about me or replace me with something/someone better.

I don’t know how much of this I could take. Each day is just as bland as the other. I feel worthless and useless, and me being worried about what other people think of me, my whole family and friends judging me so hard, thinking “I’m so lazy,” and that I can’t do shit. I told myself, I wished I could find something before the new year, and early December, it really seemed like I got it. But I guess not, it was a joke. The doubts I was having, it came true, every negative thing I predict always comes around and happens.

Well, that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t know how much I could take. I don’t want to do anything rash, I’m so scared that I will. Because Nothing good really exists with me.

Feeling so Trapped and Lost…

Warning: Swearing cuz I’m depressed af

Hey all, I guess this is another update, and right now we have now moved to the new city. We’ve been here for pretty much a month now, and let’s just say, things have not been easy. The move itself was stressful because we have shit ton of things to carry over, but living her hasn’t been the best.
Before we moved and when I was still in the condo, I feared of moving into a new city and new place. I feared that of course I wouldn’t know anyone or what to do there, I feared that I would be trapped in my home. And low and behold, that is exactly what happened.
I find myself everyday, waking up, my parents leaving extremely early to do random errands like get new furniture or some shit, and I’m stuck in the house the whole day doing completely nothing. There is nothing to do here, the neighbourhood is small and quiet, hardly any stores to walk into, let alone, us being the pinch of Asians living here. Not only that, there’s hardly any “younger” people my age, so yeah, recipe for depression 2.0.
I would sometimes go on walks with my mom, but that’s only at most once a week, and I hate staying at home for more than 2 days max, and right now, its the 3rd day has passed. I feel so suffocating and trapped, I also feel like my anxiety and depression gets so much worse when I don’t get out. You’re probably saying, Why the hell don’t you go out on your own?
Well, I would love to, but I have no idea where I am, and I do not feel comfortable going out by myself. Back in my old house, I would gladly just get the hell out, I would go down to the frozen yogurt shop or get some Starbucks, or even go browse around Walmart. And Here? Nothing, zero, absolutely nothing.
It’s so frustrating because lately, my dad has been mad at me (no surprise there) and I overheard him saying to my mom, because the fight between us was ridiculous to the point that is hilarious, but anyways, overheard him bitching to my mom, literally saying why I still cant find work and that I’m lazy and I don’t do anything. And there he is, unemployed for most of his life talking shit about me whose actually trying every single fucking day to find a fucking job. Not only that, he can’t even write a resume, needs to ask my mom to do it, he’s a fucking piece of shit. Anyways off topic, so my dad and I are on shit terms as usual, so that really adds to the greatness to my life.
And on top of all of that, my friend texted me saying this girl who used to be in my shoes (still finding work) finally got a job at a studio, and it was a position I applied to as well, and look at that, they got her instead. Whoopie, things keep getting better and better.
I don’t know how many times I would pray every night, asking for the same thing, to get a job or to even have a fucking good day. Honestly, I’ve been doing that for what, almost 2 years now. And look at me, still in this shithole of a life and in a deeper shithole than last year. I’ve been so miserable and angry at everything, I just can’t seem to enjoy anything. My depression has gotten the better of me and suicide thoughts keep ringing in my ear non stop. I would search up painless ways to end my life but all that shit costs money. If I had the guts to actually do it, I’d do it. I can’t stand my life right now, and never in my entire life have I ever thought I’d be in this hell hole. Never.

I’ve gained weight from all of this stress, I’ve been eating unhealthy and I’ve stopped working out, everything is falling apart for me. And I can’t stop comparing myself to others, that girl I mentioned, my sister, my cousins, my friends who are all so happy and successful on Facebook, what the actual hell, it’s like I’m the joke of this world. A big fucking laugh, that’s what I’m here for…
All I ever want is to feel happy again, and for even just one day, not worry and enjoy and be happy. Happiness last for a few seconds for me, because wherever I feel happy, I think wait, I have all of this other shit to worry about remember? And then the dark cloud comes back over me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I develop ulcers from all of this worrying.
Sighs, the days have been quite long and I’ve been crying everyday because I just hate my life and I hate myself for everything. I just want to leave this place, anywhere is better than here, and honestly, it’s not like I’m gone, it’s like I was never here in the first place.

Sh*t September

Hey all…I have yet another, you guessed it, rant of the day…hooray, that’s pretty much my blog, me bitching about how crappy my life is.

Anyways, so wow, This month has been rather another difficult one to deal with. One being that, my sister goes back to school, so I don’t really have a person there to talk to, to go out with etc. I do hang out with friends but that’s like every 2 weeks…so its not that frequent. Though, I somewhat do think its a good thing because it makes me focus on my own things and I tend to get my goals finished I guess. Crappy thing is, my birthday is this month..am I happy? Nope.

Back to the point, my sister goes back to school which means she’s going to back to our “home city”. LOng story short, we moved and our new house in not built yet, so we’re staying in a temporary condo in another city. But my sister still has school in our home city, so yeah, she’s staying at my grandmas..ok, I think i explained that in the last post or so..

Anywho, September has been rough because my sister gone to another city, everyone is just asking non stop to me if I miss her and whatnot. honestly, to be very blunt, no I don’t miss her. I find her in ways, a distraction and I would get so frustrated with her and find myself constantly comparing myself to her. deep down, I know that’s not the right thing to do, but every time I hear her name or someone talks about her….I feel this tremendous amount of insecurity flood me and it makes me feel so insignificant. I know its to be expected that “a bird leaving the nest” is something to be missed, but really…it just sucks, because I’m just sitting there and everyone is gushing about how much they miss her. You see how insignificant one can feel?

Another thing is that I feel that, she’s my younger sister…in a average household, the oldest kid gets to leave. Nope, not in my case. My younger sister is able to leave the nest where I’m just still here feeling so damn sorry for myself. Sighs, its so hard to keep being happy…I try to distract myself by doing drawings, (currently have this mini project going on), going for walks, talking to my mom/friends, my instagram accounts , shop etc. But everything just gets repetitive and soon, you start losing interest in those things as well. Oh and my sister is going to a concert tomorrow, how wonderful. More things to share to the table where I am literally in the exact same spot as last year pretty much. Yes, her favourite band happens to come to our city, and my favourites don’t but still….I feel like so many great things happen in her life and that’s what gets me so frustrated. I feel so small and insignificant compared to her……what’s the point right?

Another “splendid” event that recently happened (not gonna say everything hence it being a personal family feud) it pretty much I’ve been caught up in between a family problem that has nothing to do with me. The gist of it being it that I’m the only kid in the family eligible to be part of this “plan” my dad came up with and now we’re in deep shit because of it. (I make it sound like its this gang thing or us selling drugs or some shit, no its not that ahah…) So, my dad was all counting on me to do something and pretty much, I messed up twice. Yes, twice and my dad is just so f-ing pissed and angry at me and literally yesterday we were both yelling at each other, and I could see the disappointment in his face. Like he was done with me, like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not like I fucking care, but it still hurts, because I never wished to disappoint him like that and the mistakes I did were a mistake, it wasn’t intentional. I know its hard for your to understand because I’m literally beating around the bush about it and it sounds absolutely nonsense but yeah…the gist of it, my dad is fed up with me. And my fear is that my dad would feed rumours to be relatives and making them think I did it on purpose blah blah blah, that’s the worse thing that I’m scared of.

I just feel like shit. I feel like my whole existence is fucking shit. Why the hell am I still here? I find myself searching up painless suicide methods…uugh, I dunno. I don’t want to do anything rash. Everything is just getting worse even though I would pray for a simple good day. On top of not being able to get a job is just so overwhelming and stressful…I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore…..

I wish someone or something would just take me away from this place…..

A little update..

Hey everyone, its been a while..(again!) I am alive…great I guess, oh crap the french e on my keyboard is acting up again..-_- ?? oh there its fixed

A little update is that well…..still looking for a job. No surprise there! -_- A few weeks ago though I decided/push/forced myself to go to this recruitment party thing downtown. I was scared shitless, you have no idea. But I went. I did it. Haven’t heard back from them, but I’m trying to be positive here. At least I went to give it a shot. And I’m glad that I did…even if nothing really came out of it..sighs.

Besides from job searching, I find my comparing myself countless of times to others. comparing myself with other people is such a poison to one’s life. I’m in that boat and I just can’t seem to get out. It sucks. I keep comparing myself to my younger sister. Her life has been going so well, she’s been doing things and making progress whereas I’m in the same friggin position. I try to do things that make me happier and to distract myself from other things but it just doesn’t help. My sister will be living off with my grandma (cuz we moved and the condo we’re in is too far from her school) and she pretty much has a shot at living on her own, getting to set her own rules and literally be with her friends. Me….well….of course I’m still with my family. Not saying being with them is bad, but do you see how much freedom I get? I can’t stop thinking about it…it hurts, it sucks…I just really hate my life.

Not only that my birthday is less than a week away, and I should be happy about it. No I’m not, I’m far from happy. I can’t even think straight, being another year older it just another reminder that a years passed and still no accomplishments. I’m such a pessimist, yay..

Anyways, what makes matters even more craptastic, I just sent a resume and cover letter to a studio (which the position is very ideal for me)….and guess what? I have a friggin beautiful typo on it! Wow, if things couldn’t get any worse. Guess what I mistyped “programs” with?

Prograsm.

yes.

Prograsm.

Are you fucking kidding me??? fuck my life to that max, there’s goes my shot at another possible chance. you’re probably wondering how the hell did I type that in? Well, I have 2 cover letters, and there was line in one of them I decided to copy and paste in, and I guess, Word just went haywire and programs became prograsm. And Word
didn’t even notify that mistake too, thanks Word…
So now I’m debating whether or not I should resend it. Maybe I should…ugh but I don’t want to seem desperate and annoying. But then I don’t want to sound dumb either..

Anyways, I have to go…life is always just super grand for me….

[RANT] My fucking shitty day…(like many others)

Warning: Contains swearing…I’m that pissed

What a day it has been. Now I have been having crap loads of crappy days the past week or so, but this one takes the cake. I don’t know if all of my emotions are just bottled up inside of me and then just decided to explode today, but man was today the cherry on top to a fantastic life. I’m being sarcastic if you haven’t noticed.

For starters, I’ve been having MAJOR mood swings lately. I don’t think I’m Bi-polar, but I think I have somewhat med-high mood swings? And no…it’s not the “monthly” thing either…. (though I expected that but clearly it wasn’t it..) I just been getting mad at little, stupid things and they get me sad or pissed off in a matter of seconds. I question myself to why it bothers me, but it just does! I tried to think “rationally” and not blow up, but it laways ends up being the latter, 99.9% of the time.

So…along with the other crappy days before today, mood swings were the biggest culprit. I’m not going to start accusing this person right off the bat, but the main person that keeps bothering me is my sister. I don’t know, the things she does, says, etc, pisses me to the max. Why? I honestly have no idea, but it could be the fact that her life is/appears to “going smoothly” and “lovely” when mine is just rotting in hell. I find myself switching moods in an instance whenever my sister starts randomly talking about her friends (related back to my other post) , her being in a splendid, sunshine mood all of the time (and when she’s not, she treats me like shit..)

And other things include, the job hunt, instagram (what?), people in general, my relatives, my DAD (that’s the bulk of the problem in this ) and much more..

So yeah, the next thing is as mentioned above, my dad is such an annoying asshole. Ever since I was born, I had always had problems with my dad. I do not like him, I do not respect him at all. Before you start lecturing me, let me tell you this….he emotionally abuses all of us. My mom, my sister and me. He acts all big and mighty, but now that I’m grown up, his stupid lectures and random outbursts do not faze me. It just makes me hate him all that more. I’m not going to into the history of him, but rest assured he’s a loose cannon, he puts down people to make him feel better, he argues with no real sense at all and he punishes us for random, unnecessary reasons. And more, believe me.

And so today, we are in a hotel, and I’m done showering, I come out to get my computer and then he storms in and notices some water on the floor. And then he screams, “WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WATER ON THE FLOOR? YOU’RE LETTING THE WATER GET ON THE FLOOR! WE ARE GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE, CLEAN UP THIS MESS NOW!” And then both me and my sister come and honestly I couldn’t see much, it wasnt;t even a puddle. And so I wiped the best I could, and is that good enough for him? Oh no, he comes back with full on attitude.

“ITS ALL YOUR FAULT VICTORIA YOU WERE SHOWERING AND YOU LET ALL OF THE WATER COME THROUGH! YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL OF THE DAMAGES!” blah blah blah

What? Am I the only one showering? No, of course not, my sister also, but does he ever blame her? No. Of course not. My sister is the little “angel” and I’m always the person with a giant target on my face. So anyway, I start to get angry and then he likes to talk over and interrupts me (he does that with everyone, like I said, he likes to act high and mighty) and starts saying it’s my fault and whatever, I took the bullet yet again. I said, “alright , alright, its my fault of course, sure.” and then that doesn’t’ satisfy him, he keeps yelling at me and I’m just ignoring him and wiping the fucking dry floor because if I don’t he’ll flip again.

Anyways, I’m obviously so upset with him, he’s such a disrespectful person. He talks down to my mom and treats her like a useless person, and oh, get this. He doesn’t work. He hasn’t worked for YEARS. My mom is carrying us along with a great job, and she’s 2309834893594594 times more stronger than he;ll ever be, Absolutely no respect for him, never, not even on his death bed. Yeah.

As time goes by, as I’m typing this, my plans with my friend got cancelled, I was supposed to meet her tomorrow, but she tells me she’s sick or whatever (not going to doubt…nope…) Now great…I told my parents already that I’m going (before the fight) and now I can’t go and I’m either stuck with my dad or my dad will end up leaving me and going somewhere… fuck, fantastic right?

And lastly, my sister is literally right beside me and she obviously sees me upset, and she does not console me. Thanks for being a wonderful fucking sister, sis. Anyways, I”m so tired of crying and tired of life in generally…I literally hate my life. I can’t catch a break. ugh…..I’m so scared I’m going to do something rash…if you know what I mean…anyways, till next time…or not..