I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.

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Deleting Instagram

THis is going to be a random, small little post- its not a rant (at least I dont think so) but its what the title says, I deleted some of my instagram accounts. Before this post is up, I had a total of 5 instagram accounts. You’re probably thinking wtf, but yes, I have 5 of them. Recently, I was thinking of making yet another one (I know, I know, do I have a life? no of course…)

The reason for making these accounts is well…I find them fun to manage. It makes me want to look forward everyday to see who followed back, who liked my pictures etc. It’s something I find comforting (even though when someone unfollows or whatnot, obviously it sucks and I get so gloomy because of it -_-) But anyways, thats besides the point. So yeah, I create them and manage them and it just gives me a sense of purpose in life, if that makes any sense.

And with that, I’ve found many nice people online. They all share similar interest with me, and its just so much easier to talk to them online. Some of you may nod your head at that, but I find it nice to meet them online. It’s so much easier and I get less anxious (I still get kinda anxious…). So I made a few friends online which is nice, but realized, I’ve been bias to some of my accounts. It got me thinking…maybe I should just delete some of them.

So I did. I told my online friends that I would delete, and I did just that. Its a weird feeling because I felt like I lost something that I worked on for a long time (which is partially true). Now I’m typing this, I feel its such a pointless posts lol But I feel so weird, I feel like I lost something big.

Anyways, now I only have to focus and love my 4 accounts- its still a lot, but I feel like these ar ethe ones I can handle with ease. whereas The other 2 I felt no motivation and struggled with getting followers. Not only that, I struggled with finding what to post too…

I even felt that way with my Facebook. Not sure if I will go and delete that because I have people there I know technically, but I hardly talk to them anymore. Uh…I really want to delete Facebook too but still unsure..I find it so intoxicating you know? seeing others do stuff and happy…yea maybe I’m just depressed…ugh

anyways, this is just so random. I just wanted to post because I feel kinda heartbroken seeing my other accounts go. This is dumb right? Ah ok see ya next time….