I Left My Internship…

Hey everyone……Yes, as from the title, I left my internship.

It’s actually been 4 days since I left, (my last day was on Jan 30), and I finally have some time to actually write a post about how everything went down. Ok…where the hell to begin…

So, from my previous post, I talked about my first week as an Intern. Well….a whole lot has happened obviously since then. (Also..I’m going to try to make this a brief and to the point as possible… ). During my 2nd week, it honestly felt like it didn’t get any better. I know in my previous post I said it kinda ended off in a good note, but, in all honesty, this whole thing continued to torment me.

There were plenty of things to despise about this place; for example, the ventilation was HORRIBLE. Most of my coworkers smoke, and they tend to smoke kinda half outside and half inside… So, every time I’m at my desk, I would constantly smell smoke. Working conditions were absolute shit… ugh, don’t get me started on the bathrooms too. Since this place is majority male, the floors are fucking nasty (can they not aim??!?!), and not to mention, there was no soap in the bathroom…so I always have to rely on my hand sanitizer…..

Right so those were the wonderful working conditions, let’s talk about the people. My trainer (“J”) was more or less the only person I feel comfortable there. Everyone else, I could really care less because there this one particular guy who is just downright annoying. It’s like he has some social ADHD or something, like he has to talk to someone every bit of the day. Not only that, he tends to be so noisy, he starts making random sounds in his seat like squeaking his chair around, fucking whistling (God knows how much I fucking hate when people whistle) and just blasting his fucking music out loud. And you know, I can’t just go up to him and be like, “Can you shut the fuck up”, because I’m literally the end of the totem pole here. Not only that, I feel already like I’m the joke of the place. Yeah, real good vibes, huh?

I’m known as the super quiet, anti social Asian girl who never gets up from her seat. Yup. And so, weeks go by, and things just keep on surprising me. That annoying guy I was talking about? Yeah, I hear him say things in a really derogatory Chinese accent. Wonderful. I hear some of the guys talk about females, in a very uncomfortable and kinda inappropriate way. Excellent. Oh…and do I smell weed? Yes I do! Some guy brought his vape, whatever the hell you call it to work, and started to smoke behind me and it smelled awfully a lot like weed. FANTASTIC PLACE TO BE AT, AINT IT?

As the weeks go by, I honestly don’t even know why those things just keep surprising me. These “types of people” who work here, are the “types” to do that sort of thing. I would always avoid them in High school and some people even look down on them. And what do you know, I ended up being in place filled with them.

BUT, among all of that….I still tried to tell myself to keep going and try one month at a time. And so, around the middle of January, I requested to talk to J about my progress-ish and also a heads up about where my mind is at. I told him that I may not be here for long, and he thought I would still stick around for more than a month, but I was like hell no. I told him, to not be surprised if I end up cancelling my contract in a month. He asked why of course. I told him very generally, like the commute is a big one – travelling almost 3 hours, ya know… , and I kinda beated around the bush about saying, I don’t fit in there. He kinda looked at me as if he got it, which honestly, I don’t know how else you can not deduce from that. And he just told me his life story about how he felt the same when he was in my position and like ok, ok, BS, I don`t beleive a word he says and how he`s trying to relate to my problems. Long story short, the talk didn’t exactly work 100% the way I imagined. Oh, and I also cried a bit because I’m a fucking emotional train wreck.

Last few things before this post gets too long, another big part of my decision was the fact I felt like I wasn’t really part of anything. I was assigned to do extremely miniscule things. I didn’t feel proud of it at all. Not only that, sometimes I would be in the middle of something, and then J would assign me to do something entirely different! Maybe it’s because I’m going too slow, but the fact that some of my tasks were literally incomplete, I felt like I really can’t put any of that onto my resume. And a really big part of it was that, when I applied, I applied to a specific role. A role that I am specialized in. Apparently the whole month, I was considered a Generalist and I did all sorts of random crap here and there. That was not what I signed up for. And OK, yes it’s always nice to have other things under your belt, but honestly, because I was learning small bits of each things and the fact I kept being put in different tasks, it feels like I’m not getting anything out of it at all. Does that make any sense..? D: (honestly I can’t seem to transfer my thoughts into words right now…) One last note, MAYBE, I felt I was put on small things was probably because they were just starting me off with baby steps..but still, it felt very…insignifacant.

And of course , throughout my time there, I found myself constantly thinking about my projects and the whole idea of self employment. Those thoughts never left me, and I just kept thinking, “Wow, what the hell am I doing here? I really want to work on my projects so badly..” Of course, while I would be thinking that, I would be crying at my desk because what is my life…
And so, the last day came around. I actually meant to tell them a week ahead, but because I was put on more and more random crap to do, I didn’t have time to tell them. So instead my mom suggested to send them an email, which I was against at first because I thought it was unprofessional.. and well, I’d rather tell them straight up in person. But because the time was coming soon, and I didn’t want to have to tell them when things were getting more and more busy, I emailed J. J never responded to my email, so I was left hanging all weekend (hm sounds familiar?) So on Monday, he told me he didn’t know what to say, which is I guess understandable because I do agree it was rather sudden. He told me it was ok and that Monday would be my last day. surprisingly, everyone there seemed to look fine…and alright with it. (Of course, I’m pretty much part of the wall, it makes no difference if I was there or not)

They actually surprised me with a friggin cake for me. I was so shocked and speechless, and just so dumbfounded. I never would have expected they would do something like this for me….and when we all ate cake, I knew I had to say my piece. So I thanked them for everything (even though it was the semi truth..) and that it was a great experience for me- which honestly, even though I was saying how much I hate it, I don’t regret this expeirence at all. I feel like it really taught me what to look for and what to do and not do etc. When I Was talking I got a little emotional, and I didn’t cry, but J had to blurt it out saying, “I told you she’ll cry!”………… Thank god I didn’t cry..but he really just had to rub the fact that I’m a fucking cry baby out loud… hooraay fantastic baby.

Well now that I’m typing this all up now, what’s left is the Reference letter they oh so promised to give me…which, now is 3 days gone, I have yet to see a reference letter in my email inbox…. I feel like that is what’s preventing me from moving on, and all I can think of is, ‘Where the hell is that letter they said they’ll give me…’ And in all honesty, I think they won’t give it to me. One because I’m a major pessimistic, but two, because…I feel like I didn’t do ANY sort of important work there….there should be no reason for a fucking letter… -_- Ugh…but the funny thing is, they kept saying they’ll give me one and the fact my contract says there would be one… And well…where is it? There is none! Whaddyaknow!

Anyways… this is getting long….besides from waiting for the never-gonna-get-sent reference letter, I’ve been trying to work on my own projects and trying to juggle other things like making cosplay stuff and working out…. I just really hope I won’t go back down that negative rut I was in before working there…because 2016 was a very tough year for me… Sighs. I’ll update more on future plans, I already made my 2017 goals, so I’m just gonna hope and pray that I’ll stick to it and …well, hope that this year, something awesome may actually happen.

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My First Week as a Intern…

Warning: Long ass post….

Hey everyone…Happy 2017! I hope you all had a fun and safe New Years, as for I, I hung out with family…pretty standard, since I hardly go out to parties, especially now that I live in place that’s literally in the middle of nowhere…..

Now….let’s begin this “update” / “kinda rant” post… This will be a continuation from my previous post, where I talked about going into an interview for an internship. Well, my first day was this Tuesday (Jan 3) and let me just say….it was one of the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced. Going back a few weeks ago when I got the news that I actually got the job, I could not stop thinking about it. It took over my life and it seemed to really slow down my motivation to work on my current projects and other things, like I couldn’t fully feel invested in the current activity.

So the day before my start day, I got notification that my start date was moved a day later. It was originally 2nd, but since everyone else in the company apparently worked throughout the holidays, they took the 2nd off and everyone would come back on the 3rd. I remember feeling relieved, but at the same time worried again because I have to wait yet another day to begin this job. I had no idea what to expect; of course I had mainly negative things to foresee in this job, but I tried to make the best and think…it’s no big deal!………Right?

Well, was I ever wrong. My first day is what I consider a disaster. Firstly, I had to ask 3 people to double-check whether or not I was going in the right direction. I am terrible at navigating myself to places, and only rely on “visual landmarks” if that makes sense. I had to wake up friggin early, like 5:30 and we left around 6:15, and to travel to my bus station which is 40 minutes away. It was still dark and I literally could not see. Oh, it was heavily pouring rain too, that was a bonus! I had a legit panic attack as soon as I realized I could not find a way inside to the station and had to struggle to ask someone and she oh so graciously helped me and pretty much, I just had to keep walking straight…

OK, I get on the bus, ride another hour or so, to only get off and take my second bus…yeah, who the fuck does all of this commuting in the first place? Oh wait, me, because I’m a loser who is desperate to find work so I can safely tell people, I do work…. Anyways, I take my 2nd bus and I got off a wrong stop. Yay, I begin walking and it dawned to me that I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be. I had to ask yet another person and apparently, it was close by…so I had to keep walking and eventually after 15 or so minutes…I made it. For fucks sake, am I right?

Now I got there like 20 minutes early, so I just walked around and at the same time tried to tame my quickening heartbeat because as the time went by I just kept panicking more. There was absolutely nothing to do around there, as I described it in my previous post, there was nothing but factories and rundown buisnesses….it all just looked so sketchy and just… not appealing at all. Finally as the time became closer, I decided to go in. Holy shit, it took so many self talks to just keep walking to the front door..I was a friggin hot mess, not only physically because of the rain but mentally I was just so messed up from my anxiety. I got in, and literally it was dead quiet in there. I tried my best to not walk out and take the bus back home, but instead go and look for someone.

I peer into this office and to see apparently, the CEO of this place and I struggled to introduce myself and he told me to sit there and someone would come and get me…? Thankfully, just as I came in another woman walked in (she was one of the ones that interviewed me..) and she looked like she had never seen me before and it registered in her mind that I was the one that got picked and she took me upstairs where all of the computers were. I see pretty much a bit more familiar faces and it just all started to sink that…this was it. This is relaity…this is actually happening. I’m standing in a room full of strangers, who are going to be working with me. OMG. My heart rate just spikes up.

A guy who interviewed me, greeted me first, and I awkwardly said hi to him and tried my best to greet everyone there. The guy took me to my computer and told me I would be working there. It was slow as I just sat there where everyone else mingled and talked about their new years party. I just sat there awkwardly and the guy (not saying any names, let’s call him J) tried to include me and said I shouldn’t be shy and I should relax. Well shit, if he knew what I was going through and feeling right now, it’s not easy to just “not be shy and to relax”, like, hell no.

Apparently there was a meeting I had to join, so we all went in this room and I finally got to meet our leader ( I literally have no idea what his role is, he claims to have the 2nd in most control of the place) and he starts talking about current projects and his visions. THis place is a very, very, very small place to begin with, and they are seriously understaffed. Like what the actual hell. The leader starts preaching about what he wants for this company (oh and he swears a whole lot in front of us, this is a VERY casual/chill place….) and he starts yapping about how he hates how “older employers” look down on this company because we’re young (which is true, the average age for this place is like 26 tbh). Anyways, he kept talking about how he just wants us to keep working and says he doesn’t care if we’re sick, he wants results as fast as possible. OK, some may take that as just joking and overexagerating….no, I honestly feel he was being serious. Which scares me, because I was not planning on staying here long…

Meeting ended, and I was finally assigned something. I tried my best to do it and J checked in  to see how I was and whatever. Some time during the day, he was trying his best to teach me what should have been done…and I literally had to watch him work for like another hour. Oh btw, after the meeting, they all went to lunch. Do I drive? No I don’t, did I bring my lunch? Oh yes, I’m just that person! So everyone literally left and I was stuck there eating my lunch and doing my work, which is completely fine because everyone was gone…but the feeling of being left out? Ah I dunno, I didn’t care because honestly, I can say I cannot mesh or click with these people at all.

There was an older gentlemen, who didn’t go out to eat and I got a chance to talk to him. He initiated the convo obviously because, hello, I can’t speak first for shit. The day went on and things were just….riding along, I was still awkwardly glued to my seat because the only time I get up is to use the bathroom…-_-. I don’t exactly remember everything (trying to also block out the nightmares from it..) but the day ended, and I got to leave. Most of them stayed behind to do more work, but I’m all like get me the fuck out of here. So I left, and J was kind enough to actually drive me to the bus stop, because it was still pouring rain. Which…hoenstly gave me a positive impression of him, and I appreciate it. Going back home, is where I almost felt I got lost yet again, I had a mini panic attack in the bus as I was staring at the stop title monitor thing like a serial killer.

I had to ask someone and turned to the lady next to me, which startled her because I just randomly asked if the bus passed the street I had to get off and she said it hadn’t. What do you know, the next stop was the one and I got off and took the last bus to meet up with my mom so he could drive another fucking hour back home. Just to let you know, the total commute is about 3 fucking hours..ONE WAY. Awesome, huh?

Let me just say, I was very upset and overwhelmed with my first day. I had to talk to my mom and literally, cried my heart out because it was just so bad. It may not seem like it was a disastrous day, but honestly, I tried to block out all of those bad memories out and was just so fed up with everything. I was exhausted, mentally and physically and was just in a state of fear, anxiousness and worry. Almost like a nightmare, but was coming true and in reality. My mom tried her best to comfort me and I can tell she looked worried and also shocked to see me so upset. I told her I wanted to leave and not do this again and honestly, I truly felt that at the time. But I knew deep down I wanted to try for a week. My mom says it was just the first day blues and it was expected to feel overwhelmed because it my first day. But I felt so scared…I didn’t want to go back and I felt uncomfortable with the people around me. J and the older man are the only ones that I feel comfortable with.

It was a rough night, and so after the long talk with my mom, I took a shower to freshen up and slept early to go on the next day. I prayed (like every night), for a better day and to give me clarity so I can decided what I want to do with everything. So the next day came around and I got onto all my busses successfully, thankfully and got to the place. The day started the same, and J assigned me to fix something which I went to go do. Apparently they had another meeting, but the leader didn’t join them since he was on his phone, swearing up the place like it’s no big deal and eventually went to the meeting. I could hear them shouting and talking about everything, which made me uncomfortable again. And let me just say this…part of me had this feeling that something will blow up. I don’t know what, but I sensed an argument, or some sort of confrontation rising up.

Their meeting lasted about 2 hours, and J came back to see how I was doing, and apparently it was all good. Then the leader came to me to see what I was doing and I told him I was doing the next piece and he just snapped. He was yelling at J across the room, and saying how I should have the full list of things to do, and J told him that we was working on the rest. The leader was literally screaming at all of us, saying we’re not working together and that he needs to have everything all done by the certain day and blah blah blah. Like holy shit, he just exploded and yelled at all of us, and let me just say…that is not a good look. It was also something I didn’t need since I was already unsure about this whole place. And I think this was my clarity. I know I can’t control who I work with, but if I see that I’ll be working under some mad man like that guy…..fuck that, I don’t want to deal with his outburst ass.

But I thought of J, and I kept thinking, if I leave in a week (that was my first plan), not only does it look bad on my part but I would feel extremely guilty because J would be doing all of the work by himself. I always wondered why was I, the only intern on board, and I wanted to know why they couldn’t find others….oh right, because this place is not legit and I’m not getting paid, and that I’m working under a crazy person..

Ugh it’s hard remembering what happened since the past few days were so rough on me…. But on the same day, a guy who sits sorta next to me, tries to strike a conversation with me. Since I don’t initiate anything…I’m sure it’s awkward for everyone since they probably think of me as some quiet loner…which is very true…. Anyways, I don’t know how the topic came about, but we were talking about smoking… (the fuck…?) and he was like, “Oh, I can’t imagine (my name) smoking!” And I tend to have a habit of stuttering, especially when I’m in an uncomfortable position (24/7) and I was like, “N-no-no, I d-don’t s-s-smoke!” And you know what he did? He literally imitated my fucking stutter with his “girl” voice. Wow.

Now OK, some may think he’s joking and whatnot…but seriously…. That is not what I needed… Am I being a party pooper or something? Maybe I am…but, my 2nd day was better…but it still had moments where I just felt like I wanted to leave right away.

Now onto my 3rd day, I got back from work and honestly…..things kinda turned out alright. The beginning was a bit of a rough start because my leader came crashing in again and was close to having another outbursts. He wanted me to do something I am not comfortable with, so I told him I wanted learn something new instead. He actually liked the idea, and said it was good that I’m learning- in my head I was relieved he agreed but at the same time wondered if he really did care…all I wants is results fast….

So J sort of taught me, and despite him not consistently making sense, I felt I got the gist of everything. So I began to do my work and I think I got the hang of it. Everyone then all went to lunch….and I was left upstairs, glued to my seat…too afraid to go down to the kitchen to eat with everyone else. Yeah…..that was the low part of my day, I’m still not comfortable going down to see everyone having fun and laughing. I instead ate at my desk and worked…..

No one was in the room and I had a moment to myself which was what I needed since, I tend to go insane when I’m surrounded with people. While I was working I kept hearing everyone talking and laughing….. It honestly made me feel worse. I know, I brought it upon myself essentially, but I can’t just go down there like it’s nothing…It takes me so much energy and courage to even go up to someone and talk….

Day went on, and it kind of got better from there. J told me I did well on my task, which I obviously doubted his praise ( I always do…blame my insecurity with everything) and then for the last hour, we just talked. And it was kinda nice, he always has random things to say and the other guy (the one who mimicked me…) joined in, and we all just had small talks…but it felt…alright. LIke for a few minutes I felt, comfortable and not afraid even. I don’t know how it turned out like that…but it did.

Anyways, day ended, I missed my bus….had to wait in the cold for another 40 min, so that sucked, but other than that, my 3rd day….wasn’t AS bad. I’m still trying to accept the fact I have another week to go through, but I’m really trying here. I’m trying to be more confident and to be more positive about going into everyday. I’m trying to get up around 6:15 and push my ass to get ready and once I’m there, I’m trying to push myself to the front entrance. Yeah….I have backed out many times, but ended up walking in those doors….

In the end…I know that I will be getting experience out of this, no matter what. Experienced in my work, people, how to get to places etc. I know I have said I’m willing to only try a month…but I dunno. I still miss my old life, I miss the days I get to work on my projects in relative peace…I don;t know where everything will take me. I feel things happen for a reason…and I don’t want to always chicken my way out of everything….. Sigh, we’ll see I guess. I’ll try to keep posting, and if anything “major” happens of course…I’ll defiently be writing here.

[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..