So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

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Hi again….Quick Update……….

WOW.

Has it been 2 months already….time flies…..

Quick update, I came back (2 months ago…lmfao) from a Family cruise to Europe, which was pretty neat. Because there wasn’t any wifi, it was a nice break to get away from social media. I did buy this expensive internet of 100 minutes, just to check my emails and apply to jobs. See how committed I am… -.-

Speaking of jobs….you guessed it! I got nothing as always! 😀 (I hope you can tell I was being sarcastic..)

Back to the trip, it was pretty nice, there was lots of yummy food on the cruise. I didn’t realize it was all free until my mom told me it was all paid for in the ticket price..which makes sense? Going to the top deck was pretty relaxing, minus the gusty winds, and seeing the sun set down was beautiful too. Got some souvenirs from different places, but the last country (Sweden) I didn’t get anything because we didn’t gave time -________-

Back to reality, I’m not sure if I mentioned in the previous post, but I wanted to go to another Anime con, but ended up not going because my friend bailed….not surprised…

What else happened…

I saw Suicide Squad, it was a last minute decision, and it wasn’t super bad….but I could definitely tell it could’ve been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. I really hope Wonder Woman and Justice League can bring it all back up.. :/
Anyways, I can’t think of anymore “interesting” updates, so yeah. The post after this will be another rant-i-hate-my-life posts…so yeah. Currently I’m feeling extremely anxious and stressed out, which I why I decided to go on WordPress and rant.

See ya there…………

I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.

Quick update

Hey all….it’s been…a while, yes, did you see that coming? Anyways, like the title it’s just kinda like a little update, and pretty much what the title is about. Quick update……yes….still on the job hunt. I’ve actually went to a job fair (more like forced myself to go) about a month ago. I actually “diary vlogged” myself going through that “rough time” as it was super stressful and my anxiety was shooting up to the roof… it was not fun. But I made myself go, and well, I didn’t get any offers…but the fact I did my best and went to the studios that I aimed for, I felt proud of myself for doing that….
About that diary log…I actually filmed that for my YouTube channel. It’s something I wanted to try out, but yeah, I just felt like sharing it and other videos I film on my copious amounts of spare time. Not sure yet if I feel comfortable about linking my channel….but..maybe one day… You could kind of say, my YouTube channel is a more “PG” rated version of this blog..lol, because of the fact that I don’t curse on there, and that I don’t go in full detail to how I’m feeling. Not saying I’m acting fake on it, but I do put up some wall so not everything is shown- you know? In my blog is definitely a lot more personal…

 

Anyways, after this post there’s going to be a hella serious posts. I’m going through another shit time.. so yeah.

Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

Update on my “New Job”

Hey everyone, I got another update for you guys regarding…my supposedly new job. After you read that, you know something f-ed up is about to go down.

Well, first off, Happy new year, I know it’s obviously passed the new year but whatever, I bet you all had resolutions all planned up and probably breaking all of them right now (I know i am…) Anyways enough about that, so, its the new year and its supposed to be that time when I was supposed to start at my new job. If you read my previous post, I talked about my journey to that interview and the job offer that was laid out to me. I was told in an email that I was supposed to come in Mid-January………that’s like, right now isn’t it? -.-

Well….here is what happened.

 

So, all of December, I pretty much stopped looking for places. I stopped sending my resumes and reel to studios after the interview, because I felt they genuinely wanted me. Heck they set a time frame of when I could start. With my previous post, you know how happy I felt. I felt relatively relaxed knowing that I don’t have to go searching anymore. Well, am I ever more wrong.

I had doubts in the beginning, and it traveled until this day. I was happy, but there was this weird doubt lurking around and I just couldn’t fully be happy about it. I knew something was up. Maybe it’s me being a pessimist 24/7, but I couldn’t shake off those weird doubts I was having. And so, last week, I checked my email, (I do everyday) and there was no response from the studio. I was beginning to feel really anxious again, and so I sent them a follow up email to them asking them if the position is still available and if yes, could they tell me a start date. I Sent that last Wednesday.

No response. And it’s friggin MOnday right now. Am I being too naggy? Hell no, its been 3 work days already, I’ve expected them to at least tell me the latest news if I’m in or not. But no. Still nothing. Funny right? Stupid shit always seems to happen to me.

I don’t even know now. To be honest, I’m not even disapointed by the fact I didn’t get it, I’m more disapointed by the fact they couldn’t even send a fucking email telling me I’m not the right fit. Especially the build up they gave me, and they even gave me a fucking estimated date to start. What the actual fuck. Great start to 2016. ANd if things couldn’t get any worse, I have a delightfully exciting family party this weekend. I’m being hella sarcastic, fuck no I don’r want to see my relatives, especially with absolutely no news about my “new job”.

I don’t even know anymore. I thought things were going great, or at least beginning to get “newer”, but I Guess it’s back to searching for more jobs all over again. You see, shit like this always happens to me. People always seem to forget about me or replace me with something/someone better.

I don’t know how much of this I could take. Each day is just as bland as the other. I feel worthless and useless, and me being worried about what other people think of me, my whole family and friends judging me so hard, thinking “I’m so lazy,” and that I can’t do shit. I told myself, I wished I could find something before the new year, and early December, it really seemed like I got it. But I guess not, it was a joke. The doubts I was having, it came true, every negative thing I predict always comes around and happens.

Well, that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t know how much I could take. I don’t want to do anything rash, I’m so scared that I will. Because Nothing good really exists with me.

I applied to this place…and…?

Hey everyone, I got a little update to share with you all, and from the title…you probably can guess what happened. About A week and a half ago, first off i didn’t have wifi again and was at the library doing my usual job hunting stuff and came across a posting that was quite ideal for me. It required 1 year experience but for some reason, I applied anyways. Usually when it’s under 2 years, I would apply anyway. So that’s what I did and a week later, I still didn’t have wifi so I was yet again at the library…and I got a response.

I felt my heart pound ridiculously hard and I opened it, reading that they want to meet me and I could schedule a day and time to meet with them. I was at first so in shock, someone actually responded…and noticed me. I of course couldn’t even think straight, closed my email and did other things. But it came going through my mind, all I kept thinking was, ‘Omg…someone wants to see me.’ ‘I have an interview’, ‘I’m going to have to talk to these people.’ , ‘I don’t want to blow this up, but I’m so friggin scared.’ and other random things along those lines.

Later that night, I responded (after talking about it with my mom) I accepted it and set a date and time. The next day they responded, and agreed to the day I chose.

It was like 3 days till the interview, and I was anxious af, you have no idea. I was stressing over the littlest things, and I was divided in my mind- one part of me wants nothing part to do it, I was friggin afraid and the other part wants to do it, I have been waiting so long for this, I’ve prayed every night for something like this, why should I back out? Of course, part of me wanted to do it, maybe it’s because of that face, after you graduate from uni or college, you’re expected to go find work and work in that field you studied in. I was pressured and embarrassed from that I still couldn’t find work and now that someone has noticed me and asked to meet me, I feel that feeling slowly drifting away.
It is now replaced with fear of screwing up and being completely awkward in front of them and not being fun at all.

And so, the day came. My mom actually came with me (not to the interview obviously, but on the commute there as I am shit at directions and also she needed to check the stores around there, but that’s besides the point..) and we actually got lost a bit, the studio was so hidden, I arrived 15 minutes late -_-.

I managed to find it and went in. With palms sweating and heart racing so fast it could pop out, I went into the studio. There was no one there and I kinda stood there awkwardly, and i peeked in a room and I saw some people working there. Of course, being that awkward girl, I ran back and paced back and forth hoping that someone can pop up in front of me. Someone did eventually and I asked for the lady that recruited me and I met her, shook her hand and tried not to be so damn nervous.

I have done some interviews, but this was something I’ve been waiting for a long time and I really didn’t want to mess this up. And, to my surprise, they didn’t ask any of the questions I rehearsed. It’s as if….they kinda wanted me. They talked about the project they are working on and I met with one of the guys working there, and slowly I felt a bit more comfortable there.

At the end, they asked if I was interested and I Just froze. I gave a BS answer and told them if I can get back to them and said it was because of the commute was a pain in the ass. They nodded and I guess looked OK for me to think it through. I shook their hands again and said goodbye quickly rushing out of the building to cool my face.
And so, I emailed them back and accepted it. I’m not going to go in really big detail, but there were some big deciding factors in accepting it, one major one is I was assigned to do a role that is out of my comfort zone. I denied it and I’m afraid that I didn’t make a great impression because of that. But she said I would be starting Mid January next year, and so not only am I not doing that other role, but I don’t have to work yet.

This post is getting rather long, but pretty much up till now, I just want to do well there. I don’t want them to regret picking me, I don’t want to let them down, you know? I mean I know there is a first for everything, and I don’t think she expects me to be senior veteran level, but i feel she hopes that I do “more than my skills can go”, if that makes sense. Sighs, anyways I still feel stressed, especially when I denied doing a certain role and I just feel awfully stupid for doing that…..

ANYWAYS, this is getting hella long, I am very grateful that someone noticed me…and I just hope that everything will go right, I mean, I Just don’t want it to be too troublesome….and of course, I hope that I could still enjoy doing the things I love to do, along with working there. I know commuting is gonna eat away a whole chunk of my day…but I guess that’s how it is in the first place. I guess you can say, I am more genuinely happy than scared, but there’s still a big part of me that’s terrified to the max( and the fact I have to wait till next January to start >.<).

If you read my other posts, you can see how much I wanted a job and here it is, I shouldn’t complain. I prayed every night and well..I guess God did answer. One of them was that I don’t want this year to end and that I still can’t find anything, and just in the beginning of December, something happened. Hm, something to really appreciate and be grateful for.

Alright I’ll go now, I’m just rambling. The next time I’ll post it probably will be about my new job…and I hope I don’t go crazy anxious there… See ya later.