[Update] Constant Paranoia with my Younger Sister….

Hey all….wow …this has got to be the longest time since I last updated? Yikes, I apologize…dealing with lots of things, I’ll get into that and just yeah…havent had any motivation to really write up my feelings and updates…

First off, Happy 2018 everyone, it’s incredible and terrifying that another year is gone… Time is a really sensitive thing to me, and to feel another year has passed is just giving me more anxiety for whats to come…

Anyways, I want to quickly address a few things, what I’ve been up to (I hate answering this question) before I jump into the main problem…

So, what’s been happening, well….I’m going to be blunt. I’ve stopped applying for jobs. It’s probably been a good 4 or even 5 months since I stopped, and I don’t know if I talked about this in my previous post , it’s been so damn long, but I’ve said I’d like to go in to the self employment route…qwhich that’s what’s been brewing all this time. I’ve made art accounts for myself to get “my name out there”, so yeah, just been trying to keep up my social media art accounts…and well, it’s taking a while..I knew that from the start, it isn’t going to blow up overnight, I know that..but I do have “mini check-ins” I like to call it, for myself so I can reevaluate how everything is going, what needs to be changed…and if I’m on the right track, etc. that type of things.

Now for the main event…. Well, a lot has been going on with me (mentally…a lot of anxiety rollercoasters, panic attacks and many, many, many crying breakdowns…yeah, great way to start to the new year!) I’ve been trying to get used to my new “plan” in life. I still don’t exactly know where I’m heading, but I just told myself to focus on one thing or smaller things at a time. I think it’s the uncertainty because, after post secondary, one tends to look for a job and well…I’ve spent 3 years trying to do that, and I absolutely hated it…but now that I found somewhat of a new direction…it’s a bit refreshing, but super scary at the same time.

But that’s not even the bulk of this problem. It’s my constant comparison to my younger sister. If you don’t know, I have a younger sister who is 5 years younger, and right now currently she’s in her 2nd year in university….studying to be a nurse..(or something along that line). Here’s where the giant list of comparisons come in. I feel like, I’ve “somewhat failed”, I still have this mindset that, “you only got one shot, and you’re supposed to work that field for the rest of your life other wise you’re fucking doomed”..yea, that’s the mindset I keep having.

My sister didn’t plan on going into nursing, my parents forced her, but… everyone in my extended family praise her and admires her for it. Which in my previous post, everyone talks to her about the same old shit about school. I’m just fucking old news over here, trying to get my shit together and nothing is happening…so, this reputation is starting to show. I’m now the one who doesn’t have anything going for her, whereas my sister is this amazing and admirable to be nurse who helps people….

I fucking hate my life even more.

I’ve always compared myself to people, and now the past I’d say 2 years (ever since she started uni), it has gotten so bad. I would cry almost every night to sleep, crying just hating how everything seems to be going so well for her, and I can’t even get one thing done right. Sometimes it would be so bad that I would cry every night, and even during the day, randomly I would think, and burst into tears and have a fucking breakdown at my desk. I thought changing my career direction would help me distract myself (which, sometimes it does, I”m not going to lie and say it doesn’t) but, most of the time, I can’t stop myself from thinking terrible things in my mind.

So many negative thoughts, so many self doubts and self hate, it just keeps going and going…and well, I just can’t handle it and I find myself talking to my mom, but I can’t control my emotions anymore and I just shout and scream everything that’s going in my mind. No matter how much I try to distract myself, something would always trigger me and send me into a spiralling depression. I can’t stop it anymore. It’s getting to a point it’s impossible, I’m making stupid small things into a big deal.

This whole thing is also related to the whole copying issue with my sister. I’ve said this before, but I have a major copying pet peeve, I hate when someone copies or steals my quirks, ideas etc. I feel like they are taking what makes me unique. And that is what is going with my sister. She has been the one that I;ve always had my eye one, I’m always paranoid that she’s always trying to take whatever she can from me, and use it for herself and become better. I know this sounds ridiculous, and it’s a fucking problem, and it’s ruining my life…it really is. I know it is, but I can’t stop but feel this way.

From my favourite foods, to the genre of songs or shows I watch, to my “healthy lifestyle” (I’ll get into that) to the way I speak…I’m seeing it all show on her. And it’s fucking killing me. I like to eat spicy foods, I see her go for a spicy item and eat it, and say, “It’s not spicy” like she’s fucking proud of it. One time caught her listening to the same type of music as me, that fucking threw me depressed so bad. I stand up a lot, even typing this right now, my laptop is raised so I don’t have to sit…look at that, she puts her laptop up somewhere high too and stands. I started to cut out some extra bread off of a bun or sandwich, I noticed she’s starting to tear off the bread too. I don’t wash my hair often, all of a sudden, she starts to not wash hers as often either (and to add more salt into the wounds, I gifted her dry shampoo for christmas…literally nailed my own coffin). I have some funny comebacks, or clever things to say…I hear her repeating it a few days later…. it fucking never ends.

And there’s more. A whole lot more. I know to others, this is fucking insane and dumb. Which, yeah, I know, I wish I could just brush it off as easily as that. But no…I can’t. It’s becoming to a point where, I don’t even want to let her see what I’m doing. I don’t want to go to her room or see her, because I know, something is going to set me off to a wrong start.

It’s because those quirks and interests, are all that I have now. My life…I odn’t know what my life is anymore, but she has all of her fucking nursing programming to talk about, her volunteer group she does, her huge group of friends to brag and share to everyone…now she’s taking what is making me, me. That is what is killing me. I’m losing myself, everything I have..is now slowly being transferred to her (I know, what am I even saying now, writing a book?)…and I just keep thinking..why should I even be here, if she Me 2.0? BUt better, has a more admirable career choice, has more friends and more exciting things in her life…. Why should old news me..even exist anymore?

So yeah…I’ve been dealing with that…almost every single day. I just experienced another thing a few hours ago, which prompted me to write this…I’m sick and tired of being her shadow, that’s what’s essentially what I’m feeling. The sad, pathetic part is, I’m the older sister, usually, the older sibling would be the one to outshine everyone and do wonderful things…but no….I”m the the old pathetic one living in a younger sibling’s shadow….how fucking pathetic and depressing is that…

I don’t know what to say anymore, it’s just been hard to deal with, I’m crying a lot as I’m typing this…I can’t handle this…sometimes I randomly just thought, I just want something to happen to me.. even something bad, I want something to happen…because, I’m no different from an unused plush toy lying in the corner, old,unloved and forgotten.



The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

{ Update } Feeling Forgotten

Hey all…..so….yeah..I have decided to make a follow up post with the previous one. If you don’t know the whole shebang, pretty much I was bat shit worried about whether or not anyone would wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

What the actual fuck right? I know, I worry about the most tiniest/stupidest  things ever……….. welcome to my life.
Oh and there was more (stupid) things that I was dealing with but that’s not really the whole point……

So this is just a follow up post, and I’ll tell you all what happened..

So after I posted the previous post up, I immediately felt extremely anxious. It was almost 12 AM and literally, I kept wondering whether or not anyone would post anything. I watched a comedy just to take my mind off of it, which it kinda helped. And once the movie ended, it was around 2 AM.

I checked facebook…..and only one person posted. Who was one of my main close friends. (btw…it was that friend who I made a post a few months ago…yeah..)

I tried to not let it get me  and turned off my phone and went to bed. As everynight…I prayed; the usual about hoping to get a job and…well….for my birthday to be a decent day and that I can handle whatever that comes the next day (my bday).

Next morning..I was extremely anxious. I didn`t sleep at all because I was so worried about the number of wishes I`ll get. See how stupid it is. I opened up Facebook…..

And only 1 other person posted after my friend. So in total, only 2 people have said something.

I felt my heart drop so hard. I felt the tears starting to come down my eyes and literally, I just sobbed into my pillow. It`s almost like, I knew it would happen, but I was delusional to think that there would be more than just 2 people to wish mea happy birthday. So I laid there staring at the screen and just knew that my birthday is not a good day.

I was stayed in my room, until my sister came in and wished me  Happy birthday. I could tell she noticed my puffy eyes. I thanked her and she went off. My parents eventually came and wished me a happy birthday and hugged me. As soon as I saw their happy faces, I felt the tears come back again. (YOu`re probabaly thinking I`m absolutly weird and stupid for letting something so small get me down….well…yeah…you`re right… it is pretty stupid. but it gets me..)

I told my mom I wanted to talk to her and she said she can talk with me after they went grocery shopping. From the time she left and came back, no one else has wished me anything. I must`ve had 3 more breakdowns. The feeling of being forgotten and uncared….it`s I guess one of my fears…

My mom came back and we talked and I explained everything. She looked sympathetic but  probably thought I was overreacting. I was a crying mess when I Talked with her. She told me that it was ok, and I should look beyond it. Anyways….still felt like shit after, but for some reason it`s almost like I accepted that no one else would say anything. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful to whoever wishes me a happy birthday, even if it`s just 2 people. But it kinda is like a slap in the face because, that just shows my life- I don`t have a lot of friends, and well…..i`m a loser too…..

Another reason the day went to shit, is that normally my Aunts would text me a Happy birthday message. The whole day, I got no text from them.

So the day went on. I felt extremely anxious and unproductive with my day. We eventually went out to eat, (it’s a tradition that birthdays we`d go to the wherever the birthday person wants) and things got a teeny bit better. LIke  I said, I think it was because I already accepted the fact that only 2 people would wish me a happy birthday.

Pretty much, day comes to a close and to my surprise, a few Facebook wishes started to trickle in. It was obviously not a whole lot, but I am grateful that some more people wished me.

The next day (today) comes around and apparently, low and behold, my Aunts text me Happy birthday messages. I was literally so surprised, and it kinda made me think, “ok, they may have gotten my sisters and my birthday“ ; mine is Sept 6 and my sis is Feb 7.

So now I just feel super guilty for making a fuss because “they didn’t text me yesterday”

The conclusion of this really stupid post is that…..I should really not jump to conclusions. I know it`s easy to think the worst, but there are other reasons behind it and you don`t really know the full story of the situation.    I guess I was so used to thinking so negatively and assume that no one cares about me anymore…..  I’m more or less over the whole Facebook thing, (to be honest I was thinking of deleting it soon…) but I’m just trying to not jump to conclusions so easily…..

This year’s birthday was not the best, and I can only imagine next year would probabaly be the same..or even worse. I’m really considering deleting Facebook, it gives me so much anxiety and I don’t want to see any more of my old High school “friends”.
Anyways, this is just another update to the previous post…

Catch you all later……… .

I have a serious problem…

WARNING: I’m swearing in this post, you’ve been warned

Yup, from the title, I really feel like I have a problem. And before you start thinking I do drugs…no, I don’t, it’s not about drugs, not about drinking or whatever you may think. YOu’re going to think its soooo ridiculous (which I totally agree, but I really can’t stop thinking about it) Anyways , here we go…

So, like everyone, I have a pet peeve (well I have more than one aha). My main pet peeve, is I literally HATE when people copy me. Yeah. I absolutely hate it. And that’s pretty much it, whatever someone copies me, I get so frustrated and angry. See how dumb that is? I really wish I wasn’t so bothered by it, but it just gets me so friggin angry!!!
The reason why I’m posting this dumb rant, is because someone I Know has crossed the line (lol). OK, obviously I”m not going to mention any names here, and if that person so happens to stumble on this…GOOD.

OK, so what happened was, the beginning of the year and on, I’ve been really obsessing over a certain show (not gonna say that one either, but you probably can guess it) Now, its takes me a while to be obsessed with a show, and the show that I’m watching is just too good, so I ended up being obsessed over it, but that’s besides the point. So I have this friend and A little back story,a few months ago, he didn’t know anything about it, but noticed that I was watching it. He told me his friend watches it and it was good and all, but he never really had “motivation” to watch it. I felt unsure whether or not I wanted to recommend it to him, but I ended up saying it was a good show. And so, I would occasionally post little gifs from the show on tumblr , or I would post on instagram of the little items I got relating to the show and so, obviously he saw that I really into it.

And so, fast forward to now, my friend just recently started to watch that show too. I met up with him a week ago, and boom, he surprised me with an excited face saying he watches the show and is totally loving every single bit of it. -_________- baaaad move buddy, you don’t even know how fucking frustrated and pissed I felt inside. Even typing this up, I want to punch something. I’m that angry. UGH. SO anyways, he’s really into it now, and he’s just bugging me saying it’s so good and is being a friggin fanboy and it just makes me sick to my stomach.

The day when I met up with him, I actually told him about how I felt. The only thing I regret, was that I felt I wasn’t strict enough, and I didn’t really put my point across to him. SO he’s just yapping away, posting stuff about it, making such a big deal and omg it just gets me so mad. The thing is, I think its HIM that makes me mad, like, ok, we have a long history and let’s just say he doesn’t “view me as just a friend” if you know what I mean… I tried picturing my other friend liking the show, and yes I would still be bothered, but I wouldn’t feel that mad and won’t feel my blood boil to the point I would post this dumb rant up. I feel like he’s always trying to like all of the things I like, just so he feel “closer” to me…-_- If that isn’t creepy enough.. (there are lots more of that, but then the posts will be forever long..)

I really don’t know why this is making me feel so angry, I’ve always been like this, I would get so mad over someone copying me. LIke before when my sister copies the same music or genre type I listen to, I get so friggin angry!! And now I have this guy right here, acting like he’s not killing me from the inside, and is just going around spazzing happily and uuugggh, I literally want to hit him. You have no idea.

So yeah, that’s my serious problem. I feel like there was more to tell but I’m so pissed right now, I can’t even think straight. I don’t know what to do, I ranted to my sister about it, I even told my mom for goodness sake. Am I the only one like this? Deep down, I realize its such a dumb and unnecessary thing to worry about, but really, it just hurts. I can’t stop thinking about it, and it gets me so fucking angry. Also, I only get pissed whenever its someone I know that like what I like. If it’s a random stranger, I’m not gonna be like, “yo, stop copying me” but if its someone I Know aka a friend/sister whatever, I become the She Hulk literally…

I think it all falls down to is feeling unique, you know? I don’t give 2 shits about having common interest with him, it’s just so annoying..he’s annoying. Whatever, I’m trying my very best to get over this stupid hell hole I”m in, I can’t stand it. Like I really try to be obvious to him that it pisses me off, but he just doesn’t get the fucking message. *rolls eyes* Men…

ANyways, I’m trying to cool off right now, I feel like I’m having a panic attack or something. I should really go do something else before I really hit something… If anyone has any help or feels the same, please….(and I don’t mean common sense shit like, ‘YOu shouldn’t get made over something like that..’ BECAUSE I CAN’T HELP IT..>___< )
Sorry for the stupid rant and for my swearing…sighs