Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place; they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.

Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

I applied to this place…and…?

Hey everyone, I got a little update to share with you all, and from the title…you probably can guess what happened. About A week and a half ago, first off i didn’t have wifi again and was at the library doing my usual job hunting stuff and came across a posting that was quite ideal for me. It required 1 year experience but for some reason, I applied anyways. Usually when it’s under 2 years, I would apply anyway. So that’s what I did and a week later, I still didn’t have wifi so I was yet again at the library…and I got a response.

I felt my heart pound ridiculously hard and I opened it, reading that they want to meet me and I could schedule a day and time to meet with them. I was at first so in shock, someone actually responded…and noticed me. I of course couldn’t even think straight, closed my email and did other things. But it came going through my mind, all I kept thinking was, ‘Omg…someone wants to see me.’ ‘I have an interview’, ‘I’m going to have to talk to these people.’ , ‘I don’t want to blow this up, but I’m so friggin scared.’ and other random things along those lines.

Later that night, I responded (after talking about it with my mom) I accepted it and set a date and time. The next day they responded, and agreed to the day I chose.

It was like 3 days till the interview, and I was anxious af, you have no idea. I was stressing over the littlest things, and I was divided in my mind- one part of me wants nothing part to do it, I was friggin afraid and the other part wants to do it, I have been waiting so long for this, I’ve prayed every night for something like this, why should I back out? Of course, part of me wanted to do it, maybe it’s because of that face, after you graduate from uni or college, you’re expected to go find work and work in that field you studied in. I was pressured and embarrassed from that I still couldn’t find work and now that someone has noticed me and asked to meet me, I feel that feeling slowly drifting away.
It is now replaced with fear of screwing up and being completely awkward in front of them and not being fun at all.

And so, the day came. My mom actually came with me (not to the interview obviously, but on the commute there as I am shit at directions and also she needed to check the stores around there, but that’s besides the point..) and we actually got lost a bit, the studio was so hidden, I arrived 15 minutes late -_-.

I managed to find it and went in. With palms sweating and heart racing so fast it could pop out, I went into the studio. There was no one there and I kinda stood there awkwardly, and i peeked in a room and I saw some people working there. Of course, being that awkward girl, I ran back and paced back and forth hoping that someone can pop up in front of me. Someone did eventually and I asked for the lady that recruited me and I met her, shook her hand and tried not to be so damn nervous.

I have done some interviews, but this was something I’ve been waiting for a long time and I really didn’t want to mess this up. And, to my surprise, they didn’t ask any of the questions I rehearsed. It’s as if….they kinda wanted me. They talked about the project they are working on and I met with one of the guys working there, and slowly I felt a bit more comfortable there.

At the end, they asked if I was interested and I Just froze. I gave a BS answer and told them if I can get back to them and said it was because of the commute was a pain in the ass. They nodded and I guess looked OK for me to think it through. I shook their hands again and said goodbye quickly rushing out of the building to cool my face.
And so, I emailed them back and accepted it. I’m not going to go in really big detail, but there were some big deciding factors in accepting it, one major one is I was assigned to do a role that is out of my comfort zone. I denied it and I’m afraid that I didn’t make a great impression because of that. But she said I would be starting Mid January next year, and so not only am I not doing that other role, but I don’t have to work yet.

This post is getting rather long, but pretty much up till now, I just want to do well there. I don’t want them to regret picking me, I don’t want to let them down, you know? I mean I know there is a first for everything, and I don’t think she expects me to be senior veteran level, but i feel she hopes that I do “more than my skills can go”, if that makes sense. Sighs, anyways I still feel stressed, especially when I denied doing a certain role and I just feel awfully stupid for doing that…..

ANYWAYS, this is getting hella long, I am very grateful that someone noticed me…and I just hope that everything will go right, I mean, I Just don’t want it to be too troublesome….and of course, I hope that I could still enjoy doing the things I love to do, along with working there. I know commuting is gonna eat away a whole chunk of my day…but I guess that’s how it is in the first place. I guess you can say, I am more genuinely happy than scared, but there’s still a big part of me that’s terrified to the max( and the fact I have to wait till next January to start >.<).

If you read my other posts, you can see how much I wanted a job and here it is, I shouldn’t complain. I prayed every night and well..I guess God did answer. One of them was that I don’t want this year to end and that I still can’t find anything, and just in the beginning of December, something happened. Hm, something to really appreciate and be grateful for.

Alright I’ll go now, I’m just rambling. The next time I’ll post it probably will be about my new job…and I hope I don’t go crazy anxious there… See ya later.

Feeling so Trapped and Lost…

Warning: Swearing cuz I’m depressed af

Hey all, I guess this is another update, and right now we have now moved to the new city. We’ve been here for pretty much a month now, and let’s just say, things have not been easy. The move itself was stressful because we have shit ton of things to carry over, but living her hasn’t been the best.
Before we moved and when I was still in the condo, I feared of moving into a new city and new place. I feared that of course I wouldn’t know anyone or what to do there, I feared that I would be trapped in my home. And low and behold, that is exactly what happened.
I find myself everyday, waking up, my parents leaving extremely early to do random errands like get new furniture or some shit, and I’m stuck in the house the whole day doing completely nothing. There is nothing to do here, the neighbourhood is small and quiet, hardly any stores to walk into, let alone, us being the pinch of Asians living here. Not only that, there’s hardly any “younger” people my age, so yeah, recipe for depression 2.0.
I would sometimes go on walks with my mom, but that’s only at most once a week, and I hate staying at home for more than 2 days max, and right now, its the 3rd day has passed. I feel so suffocating and trapped, I also feel like my anxiety and depression gets so much worse when I don’t get out. You’re probably saying, Why the hell don’t you go out on your own?
Well, I would love to, but I have no idea where I am, and I do not feel comfortable going out by myself. Back in my old house, I would gladly just get the hell out, I would go down to the frozen yogurt shop or get some Starbucks, or even go browse around Walmart. And Here? Nothing, zero, absolutely nothing.
It’s so frustrating because lately, my dad has been mad at me (no surprise there) and I overheard him saying to my mom, because the fight between us was ridiculous to the point that is hilarious, but anyways, overheard him bitching to my mom, literally saying why I still cant find work and that I’m lazy and I don’t do anything. And there he is, unemployed for most of his life talking shit about me whose actually trying every single fucking day to find a fucking job. Not only that, he can’t even write a resume, needs to ask my mom to do it, he’s a fucking piece of shit. Anyways off topic, so my dad and I are on shit terms as usual, so that really adds to the greatness to my life.
And on top of all of that, my friend texted me saying this girl who used to be in my shoes (still finding work) finally got a job at a studio, and it was a position I applied to as well, and look at that, they got her instead. Whoopie, things keep getting better and better.
I don’t know how many times I would pray every night, asking for the same thing, to get a job or to even have a fucking good day. Honestly, I’ve been doing that for what, almost 2 years now. And look at me, still in this shithole of a life and in a deeper shithole than last year. I’ve been so miserable and angry at everything, I just can’t seem to enjoy anything. My depression has gotten the better of me and suicide thoughts keep ringing in my ear non stop. I would search up painless ways to end my life but all that shit costs money. If I had the guts to actually do it, I’d do it. I can’t stand my life right now, and never in my entire life have I ever thought I’d be in this hell hole. Never.

I’ve gained weight from all of this stress, I’ve been eating unhealthy and I’ve stopped working out, everything is falling apart for me. And I can’t stop comparing myself to others, that girl I mentioned, my sister, my cousins, my friends who are all so happy and successful on Facebook, what the actual hell, it’s like I’m the joke of this world. A big fucking laugh, that’s what I’m here for…
All I ever want is to feel happy again, and for even just one day, not worry and enjoy and be happy. Happiness last for a few seconds for me, because wherever I feel happy, I think wait, I have all of this other shit to worry about remember? And then the dark cloud comes back over me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I develop ulcers from all of this worrying.
Sighs, the days have been quite long and I’ve been crying everyday because I just hate my life and I hate myself for everything. I just want to leave this place, anywhere is better than here, and honestly, it’s not like I’m gone, it’s like I was never here in the first place.

Sh*t September

Hey all…I have yet another, you guessed it, rant of the day…hooray, that’s pretty much my blog, me bitching about how crappy my life is.

Anyways, so wow, This month has been rather another difficult one to deal with. One being that, my sister goes back to school, so I don’t really have a person there to talk to, to go out with etc. I do hang out with friends but that’s like every 2 weeks…so its not that frequent. Though, I somewhat do think its a good thing because it makes me focus on my own things and I tend to get my goals finished I guess. Crappy thing is, my birthday is this month..am I happy? Nope.

Back to the point, my sister goes back to school which means she’s going to back to our “home city”. LOng story short, we moved and our new house in not built yet, so we’re staying in a temporary condo in another city. But my sister still has school in our home city, so yeah, she’s staying at my grandmas..ok, I think i explained that in the last post or so..

Anywho, September has been rough because my sister gone to another city, everyone is just asking non stop to me if I miss her and whatnot. honestly, to be very blunt, no I don’t miss her. I find her in ways, a distraction and I would get so frustrated with her and find myself constantly comparing myself to her. deep down, I know that’s not the right thing to do, but every time I hear her name or someone talks about her….I feel this tremendous amount of insecurity flood me and it makes me feel so insignificant. I know its to be expected that “a bird leaving the nest” is something to be missed, but really…it just sucks, because I’m just sitting there and everyone is gushing about how much they miss her. You see how insignificant one can feel?

Another thing is that I feel that, she’s my younger sister…in a average household, the oldest kid gets to leave. Nope, not in my case. My younger sister is able to leave the nest where I’m just still here feeling so damn sorry for myself. Sighs, its so hard to keep being happy…I try to distract myself by doing drawings, (currently have this mini project going on), going for walks, talking to my mom/friends, my instagram accounts , shop etc. But everything just gets repetitive and soon, you start losing interest in those things as well. Oh and my sister is going to a concert tomorrow, how wonderful. More things to share to the table where I am literally in the exact same spot as last year pretty much. Yes, her favourite band happens to come to our city, and my favourites don’t but still….I feel like so many great things happen in her life and that’s what gets me so frustrated. I feel so small and insignificant compared to her……what’s the point right?

Another “splendid” event that recently happened (not gonna say everything hence it being a personal family feud) it pretty much I’ve been caught up in between a family problem that has nothing to do with me. The gist of it being it that I’m the only kid in the family eligible to be part of this “plan” my dad came up with and now we’re in deep shit because of it. (I make it sound like its this gang thing or us selling drugs or some shit, no its not that ahah…) So, my dad was all counting on me to do something and pretty much, I messed up twice. Yes, twice and my dad is just so f-ing pissed and angry at me and literally yesterday we were both yelling at each other, and I could see the disappointment in his face. Like he was done with me, like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not like I fucking care, but it still hurts, because I never wished to disappoint him like that and the mistakes I did were a mistake, it wasn’t intentional. I know its hard for your to understand because I’m literally beating around the bush about it and it sounds absolutely nonsense but yeah…the gist of it, my dad is fed up with me. And my fear is that my dad would feed rumours to be relatives and making them think I did it on purpose blah blah blah, that’s the worse thing that I’m scared of.

I just feel like shit. I feel like my whole existence is fucking shit. Why the hell am I still here? I find myself searching up painless suicide methods…uugh, I dunno. I don’t want to do anything rash. Everything is just getting worse even though I would pray for a simple good day. On top of not being able to get a job is just so overwhelming and stressful…I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore…..

I wish someone or something would just take me away from this place…..

Sibling Rivalry?

Hey everyone! I’m back again…with another rant! Whoo…I love ranting…ok..

Anyways, from the title above you can see it’s going to be about my little sister..yeah. OK, first off, I love her to death, she’s one of my best friends and she makes me laugh (even though her jokes are so stupid lol) and ya..but, there are times when..things just don’t go well. I mean, its pretty common, you can’t expect a perfect relationship 24/7, and girls fight with each other! so there’s no question about that. Also she is 5 years younger than me, so right now she’s 17 I think? lol so you can do the math and know my age..

K, now that I got that out-of-the-way, there is some things that she does that kinda bothers me. OK, so you all know that I have social anxiety..and my sister is kinda like that, but not really. I mean she’s quiet and shy too, but I really think she can be a lot “Braver” than me..if you know what I mean. Now thats not the problem, you see I kinda feel like she knows about my SA. I never told her, I only told my mom and my close friend. But I kind think she’s aware of it, because sometimes I would go to her and tell her about my problem and I can imagine her connecting the dots and realize I have SA.

Sooooo…fo some reason, I think she uses that to maker herself feel better? Does that make sense? OK, for example, she would blatantly say, “Oh, me and friends are planning to do this and its going to be much fun.” or ” my and friends the other day went to do this, and it was so funny like omg.” -___- do you see what I mean? And her whole random comment has nothing to do with what we’re doing. She goes ahead and says and flaunts the types of things to somehow evoke an reaction from me. And of course I would be like, “what” and in my mind, “where the hell did that come from?” She has been doing that for a while now. And its been happening more recently and frequently. Like really? I mean if we’re talking about friends or whatever, I get that she would share that, but out of no where, she just says things like that. Flaunting that she has more friends than me and that it’s fun and everything.

Yes, she does have more friends than me… Am I jealous? Very likely. I mean, there’s this whole back story I had in high school and its just I wished I did more things back then, and then I wouldn’t have to feel so crappy about my present life..but thats a whole other posts. I dunno, I really don’t want this whole thing to get to me, but it happens more and more! Why is she doing this?

She would also show me all of her good marks and be all smiley and happy…and I just congratulate her, but really…what is she aiming? Make me feel like shit, that’s what. And its working unfortunately. She gets better grades than me, she has more friends than me…who knows..what she’ll beat me next. I don’t know, I just feel like being the older sister, I’M the one that supposed to do all that, bt it seems like she’s getting more ahead of me.

Anyways, before writing this I had a whole rant going on, but now I’m typing this it doesn’t make any sense. I really hate her for doing stuff like that. And I really think she’s doing this to make herself feel better. Why else would she randomly say those things out of the blue. And she acts so oblivious,but at the same time, looking over to see my reaction. Uggh…
I’m trying to not let this get to me. But I have a feeling, one day if it happens again, I will seriously blow up..and that’s not what I want to happen. I don’t want to make myself a bigger fool than I already have. I feel like she kinda has me on the palm of her hand and since I tell her some things, she thinks she can just twirl me around and play with my feelings freely. Yeah, thats how I feel. And remember, she’s friggin younger than I am…-_- It really pisses me off so much, you have no idea. And from the other past posts,m she copies me too, and you know how I feel about friggin copy catters. Not only she’s exceeding in other things, but she’s taking all of my interests and things that makes me unique.

anyways,I have to go now, but that’s the gist  of everything and it’s so annoying. I mean I could I just tell her how I feel, but I really don’t want her to see anymore of the “real” me, you know? anyways, that’s all…I have another post that I will post soon, but yeah. See you next time…

There is this friend of mine…..

Heylo again…this is gonna be another rant aha…don’t I love ranting? I do actually..lol..no really, all of my rants are all things that bother/piss me off, so yaaah, let’s begin shall we?

Now from my title, you can probably know what it’s going to be about. So obviously, I’m not going to mention any names here..but I have this one friend, I went to college with her, and throughout my 3 college years, we have gotten close. Random side note, is that my cousin told me (before I stared college) is that the people you meet in College/Uni, you will “click” with them a lot more, than ones in high school. Its because you’re in the same program, or relevant program, and you share the same interest as each other. So naturally, you bond better.

And so, I found a really good friend, who likes the same stuff as me, and even are the same personality type <- does that make sense? Like she’s shy and quiet too, like me :3

OK, so, anyways my friend graduated a year earlier than I did, (because our program had this extended version of the program and I took that one, whereas she took the shortened version) and so, for my last year, she was not in school anymore (duh) Because of that, I’ve lost in touch with her by a lot. I’m not really great at keeping in touch with people, I don’t even talk to any of my high school “friends” so, yeah, go figure.

ANyways, I try my best to keep in touch with her, because I genuinely like her as a person and good friend. We talk occasionally, but lately she hasn’t even responded any of my messages on Facebook. Or that she takes forever long to reply back…(I sound like a dude, don’t I?) And you know Facebook now, it makes it so damn obvious that someone has read your messages with that check mark sign… And also that she is active on Facebook, like I see her liking stuff and posting whatever on her wall..

Wow, I sound like a naggy and clingy person huh? 😦 Anyways, the point is, I’m just scared I will lose her as a friend. She was so nice to me, and I really felt “like myself'”, and I was comfortable whenever I am with her. Sometimes when I’m with my other friend, she just drives me crazy and my anxiety goes up the roof.

Recently I asked my college friend if she wanted to go to some Anime convention lol, and she responded shortly after saying shr would come if I would go. SO I was like, great, let’s plan for it then!..and then she stopped responding again..-_- Am I really that…boring…unintersting? >.< Sighs, anyways, that was my problem of the day (besides from the previous nuisance).

I just don’t know anymore, am I the only one feeling this way? I just feel like every single one of my friends will leave me…and who will I be then? >__< I don’t want to keep thinking of that…sighs…alright, enough of this sad crap…Imma go now… I Hope things will be brighter for me soon….