So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

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Sibling Rivalry?

Hey everyone! I’m back again…with another rant! Whoo…I love ranting…ok..

Anyways, from the title above you can see it’s going to be about my little sister..yeah. OK, first off, I love her to death, she’s one of my best friends and she makes me laugh (even though her jokes are so stupid lol) and ya..but, there are times when..things just don’t go well. I mean, its pretty common, you can’t expect a perfect relationship 24/7, and girls fight with each other! so there’s no question about that. Also she is 5 years younger than me, so right now she’s 17 I think? lol so you can do the math and know my age..

K, now that I got that out-of-the-way, there is some things that she does that kinda bothers me. OK, so you all know that I have social anxiety..and my sister is kinda like that, but not really. I mean she’s quiet and shy too, but I really think she can be a lot “Braver” than me..if you know what I mean. Now thats not the problem, you see I kinda feel like she knows about my SA. I never told her, I only told my mom and my close friend. But I kind think she’s aware of it, because sometimes I would go to her and tell her about my problem and I can imagine her connecting the dots and realize I have SA.

Sooooo…fo some reason, I think she uses that to maker herself feel better? Does that make sense? OK, for example, she would blatantly say, “Oh, me and friends are planning to do this and its going to be much fun.” or ” my and friends the other day went to do this, and it was so funny like omg.” -___- do you see what I mean? And her whole random comment has nothing to do with what we’re doing. She goes ahead and says and flaunts the types of things to somehow evoke an reaction from me. And of course I would be like, “what” and in my mind, “where the hell did that come from?” She has been doing that for a while now. And its been happening more recently and frequently. Like really? I mean if we’re talking about friends or whatever, I get that she would share that, but out of no where, she just says things like that. Flaunting that she has more friends than me and that it’s fun and everything.

Yes, she does have more friends than me… Am I jealous? Very likely. I mean, there’s this whole back story I had in high school and its just I wished I did more things back then, and then I wouldn’t have to feel so crappy about my present life..but thats a whole other posts. I dunno, I really don’t want this whole thing to get to me, but it happens more and more! Why is she doing this?

She would also show me all of her good marks and be all smiley and happy…and I just congratulate her, but really…what is she aiming? Make me feel like shit, that’s what. And its working unfortunately. She gets better grades than me, she has more friends than me…who knows..what she’ll beat me next. I don’t know, I just feel like being the older sister, I’M the one that supposed to do all that, bt it seems like she’s getting more ahead of me.

Anyways, before writing this I had a whole rant going on, but now I’m typing this it doesn’t make any sense. I really hate her for doing stuff like that. And I really think she’s doing this to make herself feel better. Why else would she randomly say those things out of the blue. And she acts so oblivious,but at the same time, looking over to see my reaction. Uggh…
I’m trying to not let this get to me. But I have a feeling, one day if it happens again, I will seriously blow up..and that’s not what I want to happen. I don’t want to make myself a bigger fool than I already have. I feel like she kinda has me on the palm of her hand and since I tell her some things, she thinks she can just twirl me around and play with my feelings freely. Yeah, thats how I feel. And remember, she’s friggin younger than I am…-_- It really pisses me off so much, you have no idea. And from the other past posts,m she copies me too, and you know how I feel about friggin copy catters. Not only she’s exceeding in other things, but she’s taking all of my interests and things that makes me unique.

anyways,I have to go now, but that’s the gist  of everything and it’s so annoying. I mean I could I just tell her how I feel, but I really don’t want her to see anymore of the “real” me, you know? anyways, that’s all…I have another post that I will post soon, but yeah. See you next time…