The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

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