Sh*tty Birthday 2.0

Hey all,

It’s not very often I post “frequently” huh? Well, I feel the need to type this up and post it..because it’s just really getting on my nerves.. So I’m just going to just spit it out and hopefully this post will be quick and to the point, because I don’t want to keep dwelling on this any longer.

Well….It’s about my birthday. Today, to be exact (or the 6th, depending on time zones etc.)

So, as from a previous post that’s literally a year ago, I talked about having the worst birthday ever. Long story short, it was about me being upset, disappointed and hurt…because of something extremely stupid. The fact only a very small handful have sent birthday wishes on my timeline…yeah..hella stupid right? Well, I was pretty depressed and upset last year….but..September 2017 rolls around…I got the same anxiety as last year, but the only difference is…I know even fewer people will wish me happy birthday.

And that’s that. I woke up…only my sister wished me on Facebook. Maybe 4 hours or so later, another person did…,and just about now 2 more people have, and that’s it. It’s practically almost 12Am going into the 7th now…a total of 4 people have wished me happy birthday. My aunts and 2 of my cousins have texted a happy birthday wish and also my other friend did too…other than that…na dah.

Yeah. How idiotic to be writing another damn post about this again, right?

And am I upset and hurt? Of course. But am I surprised and feel “blindsided”? No.

Here’s the thing. I was honestly not surprised. Hell, I even expected it. But it did hurt like a motherfucker, especially when Facebook has that damn feature where it announces to everyone on your friends list that, “HEY, IT’S ________ BIRTHDAY! WHY DON’T YOU WISH THEM ONE? EH? WHAT’S THAT? NO? YOU DON’T WANT TO? OK, IT’LL BE CLEAR AS DAY TO THE WORLD THAT THE MAJORITY OF THEIR “FRIEND’S” DON’T GIVE A SHIT!”

(sorry for the major caps…)

But it’s really because of that. I hardly use Facebook, in fact, I never go on it anymore. Even with last year’s post, I said I would delete it…but nope, never gotten around to do it. Why, I really don’t know. I think it has something to do with possibly thinking later-on-the-future-I-would-want-to-contact-them-again BS. You’re probably thinking, why not just take down my birthday so no one gets notified, well…yeah..I learned my lesson now. Because it really makes no fucking difference if I have it there or not.

Also, I don’t know why I even bother to give two shits about it. JUst the day before, I told myself, it doesn’t matter, it’s such a small stupid little thing…it shouldn’t ruin my day. And well, it almost did. I had a small breakdown, I really couldn’t help it, but it just hurts. I push a lot of people away, I suck at keeping in touch with people (hence I literally only have 2 friends..) and not only that, I’m extremely picky with who I want to open myself up to.

Because of all of that, it’s ironic, because why the hell do I expect people who I don’t even talk to anymore, to go out of their way and wish me a generic happy birthday wish? Yeah, it’s baffles me too. It’s totally ironic. I shouldn’t expect them to give a damn about me when on other days of the year, I don’t want them to give a damn about me anyways, so what makes my birthday so special? I think it’s just because I’m afraid of what people think of me.

I’ve always been quiet, an introverted….a loser. And well, Facebook is such a “in your face” platform, the less you are active on there, and the less people interact with you , it’s instantly a giant platform with a big ass arrow that points LOSER to you.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to embrace and think differently instead. I’m trying to cherish the ones that do care, and even if it was a random person that wished me one, I’m grateful for their time to say that to me. I shouldn’t care and worry about what people think of me, or who didn’t say..because in a way, they have all the right to not wish me one. Instead, I want to keep the ones that do, and work on building better relationships with the ones that do care. And to not take people for granted..and defiently not create brooding memories that will haunt me 24/7.

My birthday is nearing the end…I am sure glad it’s coming to a close..but at the same time, I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time worrying and thinking about who will wish me a happy birthday. Because the ones that do, will always have my back, and of course, I will in return have theirs. This is just something I have to realize…and also know that everyone has lives…no one is glued on Facebook forever.

And well, to take off my birthday on my account..or even delete it, and possibly create a new one and just add back the ones that matter to me the most…which…is honestly less than 10..but..thats another problem of mine where I won’t bother sharing…yet.

Anyways… till next time…





Deleting Instagram

THis is going to be a random, small little post- its not a rant (at least I dont think so) but its what the title says, I deleted some of my instagram accounts. Before this post is up, I had a total of 5 instagram accounts. You’re probably thinking wtf, but yes, I have 5 of them. Recently, I was thinking of making yet another one (I know, I know, do I have a life? no of course…)

The reason for making these accounts is well…I find them fun to manage. It makes me want to look forward everyday to see who followed back, who liked my pictures etc. It’s something I find comforting (even though when someone unfollows or whatnot, obviously it sucks and I get so gloomy because of it -_-) But anyways, thats besides the point. So yeah, I create them and manage them and it just gives me a sense of purpose in life, if that makes any sense.

And with that, I’ve found many nice people online. They all share similar interest with me, and its just so much easier to talk to them online. Some of you may nod your head at that, but I find it nice to meet them online. It’s so much easier and I get less anxious (I still get kinda anxious…). So I made a few friends online which is nice, but realized, I’ve been bias to some of my accounts. It got me thinking…maybe I should just delete some of them.

So I did. I told my online friends that I would delete, and I did just that. Its a weird feeling because I felt like I lost something that I worked on for a long time (which is partially true). Now I’m typing this, I feel its such a pointless posts lol But I feel so weird, I feel like I lost something big.

Anyways, now I only have to focus and love my 4 accounts- its still a lot, but I feel like these ar ethe ones I can handle with ease. whereas The other 2 I felt no motivation and struggled with getting followers. Not only that, I struggled with finding what to post too…

I even felt that way with my Facebook. Not sure if I will go and delete that because I have people there I know technically, but I hardly talk to them anymore. Uh…I really want to delete Facebook too but still unsure..I find it so intoxicating you know? seeing others do stuff and happy…yea maybe I’m just depressed…ugh

anyways, this is just so random. I just wanted to post because I feel kinda heartbroken seeing my other accounts go. This is dumb right? Ah ok see ya next time….