The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

{ Update } Feeling Forgotten

Hey all…..so….yeah..I have decided to make a follow up post with the previous one. If you don’t know the whole shebang, pretty much I was bat shit worried about whether or not anyone would wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

What the actual fuck right? I know, I worry about the most tiniest/stupidest  things ever……….. welcome to my life.
Oh and there was more (stupid) things that I was dealing with but that’s not really the whole point……

So this is just a follow up post, and I’ll tell you all what happened..

So after I posted the previous post up, I immediately felt extremely anxious. It was almost 12 AM and literally, I kept wondering whether or not anyone would post anything. I watched a comedy just to take my mind off of it, which it kinda helped. And once the movie ended, it was around 2 AM.

I checked facebook…..and only one person posted. Who was one of my main close friends. (btw…it was that friend who I made a post a few months ago…yeah..)

I tried to not let it get me  and turned off my phone and went to bed. As everynight…I prayed; the usual about hoping to get a job and…well….for my birthday to be a decent day and that I can handle whatever that comes the next day (my bday).

Next morning..I was extremely anxious. I didn`t sleep at all because I was so worried about the number of wishes I`ll get. See how stupid it is. I opened up Facebook…..

And only 1 other person posted after my friend. So in total, only 2 people have said something.

I felt my heart drop so hard. I felt the tears starting to come down my eyes and literally, I just sobbed into my pillow. It`s almost like, I knew it would happen, but I was delusional to think that there would be more than just 2 people to wish mea happy birthday. So I laid there staring at the screen and just knew that my birthday is not a good day.

I was stayed in my room, until my sister came in and wished me  Happy birthday. I could tell she noticed my puffy eyes. I thanked her and she went off. My parents eventually came and wished me a happy birthday and hugged me. As soon as I saw their happy faces, I felt the tears come back again. (YOu`re probabaly thinking I`m absolutly weird and stupid for letting something so small get me down….well…yeah…you`re right… it is pretty stupid. but it gets me..)

I told my mom I wanted to talk to her and she said she can talk with me after they went grocery shopping. From the time she left and came back, no one else has wished me anything. I must`ve had 3 more breakdowns. The feeling of being forgotten and uncared….it`s I guess one of my fears…

My mom came back and we talked and I explained everything. She looked sympathetic but  probably thought I was overreacting. I was a crying mess when I Talked with her. She told me that it was ok, and I should look beyond it. Anyways….still felt like shit after, but for some reason it`s almost like I accepted that no one else would say anything. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful to whoever wishes me a happy birthday, even if it`s just 2 people. But it kinda is like a slap in the face because, that just shows my life- I don`t have a lot of friends, and well…..i`m a loser too…..

Another reason the day went to shit, is that normally my Aunts would text me a Happy birthday message. The whole day, I got no text from them.

So the day went on. I felt extremely anxious and unproductive with my day. We eventually went out to eat, (it’s a tradition that birthdays we`d go to the wherever the birthday person wants) and things got a teeny bit better. LIke  I said, I think it was because I already accepted the fact that only 2 people would wish me a happy birthday.

Pretty much, day comes to a close and to my surprise, a few Facebook wishes started to trickle in. It was obviously not a whole lot, but I am grateful that some more people wished me.

The next day (today) comes around and apparently, low and behold, my Aunts text me Happy birthday messages. I was literally so surprised, and it kinda made me think, “ok, they may have gotten my sisters and my birthday“ ; mine is Sept 6 and my sis is Feb 7.

So now I just feel super guilty for making a fuss because “they didn’t text me yesterday”

The conclusion of this really stupid post is that…..I should really not jump to conclusions. I know it`s easy to think the worst, but there are other reasons behind it and you don`t really know the full story of the situation.    I guess I was so used to thinking so negatively and assume that no one cares about me anymore…..  I’m more or less over the whole Facebook thing, (to be honest I was thinking of deleting it soon…) but I’m just trying to not jump to conclusions so easily…..

This year’s birthday was not the best, and I can only imagine next year would probabaly be the same..or even worse. I’m really considering deleting Facebook, it gives me so much anxiety and I don’t want to see any more of my old High school “friends”.
Anyways, this is just another update to the previous post…

Catch you all later……… .

So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.

Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

Feeling so Trapped and Lost…

Warning: Swearing cuz I’m depressed af

Hey all, I guess this is another update, and right now we have now moved to the new city. We’ve been here for pretty much a month now, and let’s just say, things have not been easy. The move itself was stressful because we have shit ton of things to carry over, but living her hasn’t been the best.
Before we moved and when I was still in the condo, I feared of moving into a new city and new place. I feared that of course I wouldn’t know anyone or what to do there, I feared that I would be trapped in my home. And low and behold, that is exactly what happened.
I find myself everyday, waking up, my parents leaving extremely early to do random errands like get new furniture or some shit, and I’m stuck in the house the whole day doing completely nothing. There is nothing to do here, the neighbourhood is small and quiet, hardly any stores to walk into, let alone, us being the pinch of Asians living here. Not only that, there’s hardly any “younger” people my age, so yeah, recipe for depression 2.0.
I would sometimes go on walks with my mom, but that’s only at most once a week, and I hate staying at home for more than 2 days max, and right now, its the 3rd day has passed. I feel so suffocating and trapped, I also feel like my anxiety and depression gets so much worse when I don’t get out. You’re probably saying, Why the hell don’t you go out on your own?
Well, I would love to, but I have no idea where I am, and I do not feel comfortable going out by myself. Back in my old house, I would gladly just get the hell out, I would go down to the frozen yogurt shop or get some Starbucks, or even go browse around Walmart. And Here? Nothing, zero, absolutely nothing.
It’s so frustrating because lately, my dad has been mad at me (no surprise there) and I overheard him saying to my mom, because the fight between us was ridiculous to the point that is hilarious, but anyways, overheard him bitching to my mom, literally saying why I still cant find work and that I’m lazy and I don’t do anything. And there he is, unemployed for most of his life talking shit about me whose actually trying every single fucking day to find a fucking job. Not only that, he can’t even write a resume, needs to ask my mom to do it, he’s a fucking piece of shit. Anyways off topic, so my dad and I are on shit terms as usual, so that really adds to the greatness to my life.
And on top of all of that, my friend texted me saying this girl who used to be in my shoes (still finding work) finally got a job at a studio, and it was a position I applied to as well, and look at that, they got her instead. Whoopie, things keep getting better and better.
I don’t know how many times I would pray every night, asking for the same thing, to get a job or to even have a fucking good day. Honestly, I’ve been doing that for what, almost 2 years now. And look at me, still in this shithole of a life and in a deeper shithole than last year. I’ve been so miserable and angry at everything, I just can’t seem to enjoy anything. My depression has gotten the better of me and suicide thoughts keep ringing in my ear non stop. I would search up painless ways to end my life but all that shit costs money. If I had the guts to actually do it, I’d do it. I can’t stand my life right now, and never in my entire life have I ever thought I’d be in this hell hole. Never.

I’ve gained weight from all of this stress, I’ve been eating unhealthy and I’ve stopped working out, everything is falling apart for me. And I can’t stop comparing myself to others, that girl I mentioned, my sister, my cousins, my friends who are all so happy and successful on Facebook, what the actual hell, it’s like I’m the joke of this world. A big fucking laugh, that’s what I’m here for…
All I ever want is to feel happy again, and for even just one day, not worry and enjoy and be happy. Happiness last for a few seconds for me, because wherever I feel happy, I think wait, I have all of this other shit to worry about remember? And then the dark cloud comes back over me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I develop ulcers from all of this worrying.
Sighs, the days have been quite long and I’ve been crying everyday because I just hate my life and I hate myself for everything. I just want to leave this place, anywhere is better than here, and honestly, it’s not like I’m gone, it’s like I was never here in the first place.