[Life Update] When You Expect Too Much From Someone…

Hey all……..holy moley, has it been a long time… As always, things have been rough, and finding motivation to post and also a post worthy enough to write is always hard. But today, there has been something that has been boiling under my skin for a bit.

So, I’m going to try to make this back story summary brief, but I can’t recall if I mentioned it here, but 2017 has been a year of “what the hell do I want to do with my life” thoughts. I’ve begun to do a lot more artsy stuff, like, I got back into painting, I definitely got back into drawing and working full gear on my manga again, and even started on buying tons of art supplies and crafts because…well, early this year I had thoughts of wanting to be self-employed. Or should I say, a self employed artist/author-ish.

Yeah.

Humongous jump from the direction where my other posts were going (actually I’m too lazy to look back, so I may have mentioned the whole self-employed plan on here before). It was a thought that kept me thinking over and over again, and I feel like my whole idea for a career, has shifted. Not a whole lot, since this is still in the “creative” aspect, but it is different.

So long story short, I want to try to go through the self-employed route. progress? Nope, na-dah. absolutely nothing. And it’s not like there’s no prominent results…it’s literally…nothing is friggin happening. I have yet to start to put my works out to the world, I have not “seriously” worked on my manga…nothing. And it sucks. I’m so frustrated with myself, because I keep thinking about this “plan” of mine. But I think it all boils down to self-doubt and fear. The fact I feel like I’m not good enough to share my works out to the public, and that I’m afraid of the copying issue and that “what if no one likes my stuff?” It’s an endless cycle of negativity…and I deal with it every single friggin day. I sometimes feel so inspired and want to do it…but when it comes to it…nothign happens. I end up finding excuses to not do it…sometimes it just flies by my mind and I realize the day is ending, and then, oh shit, I didn’t do it, yet again…

This idea or plan has been around ever since I left that internship. In other words….more than half of the fucking year has gone by…and I didn’t do jack shit for myself. I just can’t fathom how much I hate myself right now, I’m just so frustrated with just everything. I’m a friggin failure as a human being…

 

Anyways, and so, that leads to today. I planned an outing with my guy friend, to help review and critique my first draft manga. Now, how I do my manga is definitely not the way to go. The panels were too blocky and ugly, there are still derpy looking pictures, the word bubbles were all over the place and the dialogue is just….meh. Not to mention, there are no backgrounds, sound effects and all that other stuff. What I’m trying to say is…..it’s in it’s rawest of the rawest forms.

So, my friend and I did our outing, we had lunch and did some other things. But then it got down to heading to a library and start reviewing. From the text, he seemed to want to help review, and as a fellow writer, I was glad and relieved to see that he wouldn’t mind looking it over. Not to mention, I did warn him beforehand that it was a total of 160 pages….. Now, we had less than 3 hours (before the library closes) so I knew reading all of that is impossible. So I just hoped that he would get to at least the “turning point” of my story.

Our outing turned out a little different. Usually, I would have no problems hanging out with him; we’re very alike, we like to write, we’re both “nerds”, (both Virgos may I add), relatively like the same stuff..and well, he’s just really easy to talk to. But for some odd reason, this outing was not the same. There were a lot of awkward moments of silence, sometimes I could see that he was uninterested with everything, other times he looked like he wasn’t even listening to me….I had no idea what the hell was going on. So of course, being me, it made me feel really uncomfortable and more reluctant to want to show him. Maybe it was because the previous time we hung out…long story short, it was a mini cosplay convention..and well, he accidentally broke my prop sword….yeah…I don’t know if that was still lingering around and caused a bad vibe…but damn, the outing was just friggin frustrating and different.

Anyways, back to the present, we’re at the library, I took out my manga, and I’m not sure if he forgot…but he looked shocked and kind of reluctant to read all of it. And just by the initial look, I knew he wouldn’t finish all of it, or even close to half. I gave him a small batch and he began to read. Of course, I’m just extremely nervous, I looked away and did my thing. He read it pretty fast, and there were some times he would ask to clarify some things or ask what something said, and I would try to explain it quickly without giving away stuff. Anyways, as the pages went by, I could see he looked more and more less motivated to keep reading. Every batch I would always ask if he would want to keep reading, and there would always be a pause..but he would say, “yeah, just give me another batch”. I could just tell from his voice he was over it, but I gave him the next batch.

After he was done, I gave him an ultimatum, and said, if he could read up to the “turning point” of my story..and immediatly I saw his face just turned to “oh hell no.”, but tried to hide and ask how many pages was left to that part. I told him it was exactly 30 more pages and well…he was not down. At this point, I was just not surprised and was well…hurt and frustrated with how this whole outing which was meant to help review my work…turned into an hour shit show disappointment. So, In total he read about 50 pages out of the 160.

First off, let me say this, I get it..I was not expecting him to read the whole damn thing under 3 hours…but I was really hoping he would make an effort to at least read most of it, or at least look like he would help. Nope. He just had to show such disinterest. He said it wasn’t his cup of tea, I get it, but as a friend to help someone out…couldn’t he do more? Am I expecting too much? Because I would have done the same, I hate disappointing people more than anything. And well, he kind disappointed me. I was so upset that he just didn’t want to keep going. Though, I was the one that called it off since I also don’t like to force people to do stuff…but I was really hoping he would help out more…I don’t know, I think I could be a bit too harsh…but I was not happy.

And of course…I got emotional. I friggin cried…fml. I had to make a stupid little waterworks scene…and I could just see he got more uncomfortable. I literally wanted to disappear. At the moment, I just kept thinking, “what have I done? I wasted my friggin time.” and just endless thoughts of regret. He somewhat tried to comfort me, but I just tried to shake it off and say it wasn’t his fault and that I didn’t know why I was so emotional. I doubt he believed me but whatever…this reviewing session turned out to be the worse case scenario…. And so, I tried to just move on and somewhat explained why I got upset, didn’t say too much in detail, just said I was really hoping that he’d read a bit more…but then the damn tears had to keep coming down so I just cut the conversation short…and tried to move on.

 

So, after the disaster of a critique session, I tried to move past it and hide that I was extremely upset. We headed to the trains to go back home. Once we were seated, we just casually just talked about random things. I had to bring up my concern about my story again, and that conversation led to telling him about my plan to want to be self employed. He didn’t look surprised, but probably was thinking it was going to take a hell of a long time for me…which I already assumed, hence the reason why I haven’t done anything about it.

He wasn’t totally against my plans, he was just stating the realistic side of it, which I get. The conversation about that died down, until an older women randomly came up to us..well me, in particular. I thought she was going to scold me for pressing my feet into the cushions, but to my surprise, she actually heard my conversation.

She said, “that I should go for it”, and that “I should do what I want to do. And that life is too short, and to not care what other think.” I was so stunned at first, Was I really talking that loud? and two,…someone seemed to care. I was speechless, no one ever came up to me and tried to motivate me. I smiled and said thank yu for her advice and motivation, and she added that, “Go and follow your dreams, and that she wished she had done it.” And then, she went back to her seat.

I was mesmerized, (I really wanted to ask her what she’d want to do, but then you know, social anxiety started to kick me in the ass again.) , and I couldn’t help but feel my eyes watering up again. I’m just super emotional today…uugh, but this time it was, happy tears. Or at least, definitely not sad ones. I know it sounds really dumb, but it was almost like, I needed to hear that from someone or anyone for that matter. hearing her say those motivating things..really makes me want to go for it and not be afraid..and to just DO IT! Life is too short, I know that, friggin 2017 went by like it was nothing.

After, the woman had to leave for her stop, and before she left, she came up to me again, and said “to keep on working on it” and “to not give up my book” (Well, she probably heard the little bit about me saying I want to write but it’s actually a manga…aha..ah….) And then she left.

It was weird, I had doubts about my story, especially after the horrible review I had with my friend…but after hearing what she said, it really made me cherish all the hard work I did to make it, despite it not appeal to someone else. In some ways, this outing was not a complete waste…because, if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have heard what that woman said.

And the thing is, I want to do it all the more. I’m feeling more motivated..and even more confident. Almost like, I don’t want what she told me go to waste, if that makes sense. I really do hope I strive for it..because that’s all I’ve been thinking. I really can’t stand to want to work a 9-5 job like everyone else..it just doesn’t suit me or my anxiety… so why not go for something that will make me happy? Happiness is all I ever want…I don’t plan to be a millionaire…I just want to live happily while working on things I’m passionate about.

So that wraps up the day…it was quite a long one..but I can’t say it was for nothing. I feel like, as cheesy as it sounds, it was meant to be that I came across the kind woman. I really hope I do it and pursue what I want to..because this currently the only thing I go going…. I’ll keep you guys posted..to whoever the heck reads my gibberish…. I hope I’ll update with “good” news about my progress..and well… hope that everything all works out…

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Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place; they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.

[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

Hi again….Quick Update……….

WOW.

Has it been 2 months already….time flies…..

Quick update, I came back (2 months ago…lmfao) from a Family cruise to Europe, which was pretty neat. Because there wasn’t any wifi, it was a nice break to get away from social media. I did buy this expensive internet of 100 minutes, just to check my emails and apply to jobs. See how committed I am… -.-

Speaking of jobs….you guessed it! I got nothing as always! 😀 (I hope you can tell I was being sarcastic..)

Back to the trip, it was pretty nice, there was lots of yummy food on the cruise. I didn’t realize it was all free until my mom told me it was all paid for in the ticket price..which makes sense? Going to the top deck was pretty relaxing, minus the gusty winds, and seeing the sun set down was beautiful too. Got some souvenirs from different places, but the last country (Sweden) I didn’t get anything because we didn’t gave time -________-

Back to reality, I’m not sure if I mentioned in the previous post, but I wanted to go to another Anime con, but ended up not going because my friend bailed….not surprised…

What else happened…

I saw Suicide Squad, it was a last minute decision, and it wasn’t super bad….but I could definitely tell it could’ve been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. I really hope Wonder Woman and Justice League can bring it all back up.. :/
Anyways, I can’t think of anymore “interesting” updates, so yeah. The post after this will be another rant-i-hate-my-life posts…so yeah. Currently I’m feeling extremely anxious and stressed out, which I why I decided to go on WordPress and rant.

See ya there…………

I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.