Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

Learning new things… is scary…

Hey everyone again, I just need to write some of these things down to try to get some of the stress off my chest… Ok here it goes… (and you probably know what the topic is going to be about..)

So, about a week or 2 ago, my friend from college got hired at a Studio. Naturally, it felt bitter sweet, because I was happy for him and at the same time, I felt like crap because I personally didn’t get anything. He applied to a position where he had to do compositing and this other one that’s called a “Stereo artist”. Of course, we both graduated from the same school with animation, and being a stereo artist and compositor isn’t exactly animation. Though its more like under the same umbrella and stuff, but it’s still way different from animation.

He told me about the job posting before he got hired and said I should try it out. I was hesitant because I was afraid. I was scared to try new things, don’t get wrong I like to try new things…to a certain extent. I was afraid to learn a whole new line of work; I tried reading up on what a stereo artist does…and honestly, I tried, but I really couldn’t understand it. I’m a visual learner, I need someone to literally show me step by step what it actually means. The only plus side to it all is that it’s in a city that’s not too far from where I live. And not only that, since my friend got hired, I was thinking I have someone I know in that city and could possibly house together.

Ok ,so a week ago, I applied and just yesterday…..they called me back. ūüėģ Yeah, they called me, and I was in total shock. At first, to be really honest, I was so happy. I literally thought that morning, “Hm,…I wonder if I got that job?” and there you have it, they called me that afternoon. But then the anxiety started to set in, and I was like..” am I really going through with this?” and “I have to call them back…crap..” And of course, being the person blessed with social anxiety…I didn’t call them back. -__-

So here I am, typing this the next day, I’ve been thinking about it all morning and night, even losing sleep over something so stupid. I just don’t know if I should go with it. I trained for 3 years to be an animator, and I like animating (I should do more animating though, may i add) … but this stereo artist stuff, is not in my field..literally.

And You’re probably asking, “then why on earth did you even bother applying?” Well, because I felt intimidated that my friend got something and I didn’t. This was my fear, when I was back in college. I had thoughts like, “wow, after all this, I have to find work…” “how can I work when I’m so scared all the time?” and that fear came true…6 months now, since I graduated, I haven’t worked.
I applied to retail and only 2 has called me back, and because I was also looking for a full time in animation they decided not to hire me. As for animation, 2 placed called me, the one in Vancouver and now…the one from yesterday.

Another thing to is that, my friend said they give you a 2 day tutorial, and then a test afterwards, so I don’t know if they actually teach you and stuff, but he said he had to do a simple bouncing ball exercise. You`re also thinking, “well thats good, they teach you and everything.. whats the problem?” honestly…the problem is the fact, I don’t really want to learn it. I want to just do animation stuff, and maybe down the road I’ll try something else. I know…stupid¬†stubborn me…:(

Sighs, I’m just so scared I won’t be able to get anything. It embarrassing already that my family members ask me about my job hunt, or seeing old friends asking me what’s up and I tell them, I still don’t have a job. It sucks. ūüė¶ I don’t know anymore. To be honest…I have felt depressed over and over, and sometimes I feel like disappearing. I Just want to forget about it all…

BUt then I think of my mom, which I care so much. >_< uuugh, I don’t even know, I don’t think I will go with that job, I tried to convince myself millions of times, but I just ended up crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe its also because there was another opening at a studio in Ottawa, (which is even farther..) but that was a animation position. A layout artist to be exact,and they don’t require experience at all! Yes it farther, but at least I know what I’m doing.. I’m not doing some project like a chicken with its head cut off. The thing is with that, is that I tried applying to that place yesterday, but gmail sent the email back and said it didn’t go through or something -__- I’m just hoping I would at least get a chance to send it in, please…I rather do that instead of this…. (watch me freak out later about it…)

Anyways..this is longer than I wanted, I just wanted to vent out. I didn’t sleep well last night because of you know what, and worrying about not being able to send my email is bad enough. I hope things do get better…I pray that I’ll be able to get a job that I can handle… >.< Hoping that things will get better….

Hello world again!

Oh my its been a while! Well a quickie updaty is first…IM DONE COLLEGE. IM DONE WITH SCHOOL! (well I was done a month and half ago ha) I’ve been now looking for a job, either related to animation or just retail work, I’m so desperate right now ;___; *cries in corner*¬†

I actually got an interview from a studio in Vancouver, but my parents were highly against it so that’s why I declined the offer ūüė¶ you may think why did you apply there thats on the other side of the country, well I kinda wanted to, even though I knew my parents wouldn’t let me- I just did it because yolo, no I’m kidding. I did it because I wanted to broaden my applications, and it turned out ¬†that the Vancouver one picked me. I really wanted to do it to be honest, but I tried to calculate the expenses and all that stuff and it was risky. ūüė¶ One day…one day..

Another thing is that I have a little rant or thoughts posts about EXO’s Kris Lawsuit coming up. So I’m in the middle of word vomiting my thoughts onto Word so I’ll be able to post it up, hopefully today since i have some time.

AND, there is possibly a hair product review coming up as well. A little sneak preview, its relating to the Garnier Fructis Damage Eraser Strength Reconstructing Butter! (wow that was a mouthful) so stay tuned! ūüôā¬†

Anyways that’s all about the updates…er I think? Well if theres more, i’ll just post it! ¬†



Dis damn teacher…

So I have this one course, and its called Concept Art. And let me get this out there, I absolutely LOVE concept art. If you don’t know what concept art is.. its pretty much a finalized picture of a character, or a prop or some sort of environment etc. you get the idea.

So throughout my college years, I always wanted to try and do a concept art of something. Mainly because I love to draw. But that’s not my problem here.

There is this new teacher in my school (not mentioning any names here.) and i guess he’s a professional painter for like books or whatever, i really dont care. At first i was like, oh ok he seems alright. BUT THEN. He starts assigning these random projects and i just immediately hate him. NOT because he gives a whole crap load of work, but the fact HE DOESNT TEACH US ANYTHING.

The first assignment we had to do is paint on photoshop a dragon. So we al did that. Some guy warned him saying we are not really good at it, blah blah blah. Teacher seemed ok with it, so we all made it. He shows it in front of the class and he starts literally insulting every piece! For one guy, he points out it looks like a penis. Yeah. A penis. He actually stated that. what the fuck?

And another person, he told another person’s drawing looked like a 5 year olds. RUDE. I mean seriously? He’s a teacher and he’s suppose to give out constructive criticism…not rude insults! So next class we have to paint this environment, with themes he assigned to us. I had this Arabian Nights thing theme, and I’m like whatever, seems simple enough.

Well, i though it would be ok, until he came over and stared at me work. He was like, that looks a really cheesy 3 wise old men crossing the desert scene… DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP. I actually wanted to say that to him. It wasn’t even suppose to look like that- i just referenced a picture off the internet. And then he saw my other idea and he kinda like made a face of disgust and said like, ‘these dont look like magical arabian buildings. have you seen aladdin? why dont you go watch aladdin and get more inspired.


LIke, he can’t even friggin teach anything. He tried to help but doesnt he even help. Useless fuck.¬† And i really apologize with all this swearing but i seriously hate this guy. No, EVERYONE in my class complains about him.

I just needed to vent and rant. Sorry -_______________________-.

He really needs to GTFO. End of story.


Hello all…

I actually got some time on my hands right now and I feel like posing some shtuff here ūüėĬ†

So I finally gotten back to school (actually its been like 3 weeks already)¬† but I am already loaded with a crap load of homework. And because this is my last year in Animation…I LIKE REALLY HAVE SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME LIKE OMG. Yeah. I feel that way about it everyday. Don’t you just love extra stress that gladly plops onto you?¬†

But in a way I feel its like a motivation for me to get better and learn more. Not that I wasn’t trying at all before..but it just hit me right now. :/ I don’t know, sometimes I feel super uber confident in my work and then there many days where it’s like…um, can you not display it in front of the class, kthx..

Not only that there’s a douchebag in my class who i hate (yes i know hate is a very strong word, whatevs) and he’s such a…and asshole… Well, let’s just say he was kind of racist towards Asians. Mmhmm, fucking retard.¬†

Anywho……………. hoping and praying to get better and be successful. I honestly want to show myself that I can do this. *yesican* :3



Soo much to do!

Hey guys! A quick updated and its summer is ending soon!! NOO SCHOOL ;___; well then again actually a few days ago i was wishing i was in school….but…no…./ok lets get one with the post.

so anyways, summer is almost ending which also means I have a whole smattering of things to do at the end of august! I’m just gonna list the things in order- this is also helpful for me just in case I forget, YIKES

1. – Ottawa trip with family-

2.  outing with college friend

3.  beach outing with other friends

4.  Canadian expedition outing 

5. Aug 24- Fan Expo Canada w/ Zachary Quinto :D- but let me just tell you i purchased the 25th (Sunday) ticket and he wasn’t going on that day¬† so my mom spent a whole day or 2 trying refund it and get the 24th ones -_________- it was really stressful

5. 3 day camping trip- im on Survivor!……..no im not

And then after all that, I have to go back to school to register and get ready D: its really depressing now that I think about it. Hmmm.

Bye! ūüėÄ

Finished 2nd Year!

Yes! It is about time that I am done!! WHOOOO I feel so relieved, relaxed, unstressed……………..HAPPY.¬†

Oh my goodness, 2nd year of my program was a living hell…on average about 5-6 different¬†assignments¬†were due each week! I remember when I first entered this program a couple of 3rd years said that 2nd year was the worst. I didn’t think much of it at first, but oh God….was it the worst. I had to stay late after school just to render or finish off¬†assignments¬†that were due the next day (procrastination¬†at its best ūüôā ) ¬†

So glad I am done. 

Though one thing is still making me worry….I really hope I pass all of my courses D=¬†

Here’s to hoping I will¬†successfully¬†pass all of my courses!! please!! ūüôā¬†


My goodness, I went on my blog today and the last post I did was October! oops.

Of course, I have been away because of various reasons: mainly hardly any internet (its getting better…) and school. College is really stressing me out..

You know that feeling of when you’re in elementary school and the next “level” is high school so you’re not that worried because you will be living a scheduled life? same goes with high school, you go to university/college.

But now I’m in the¬†LAST stage of¬†my education (sort of- you’re always learning -__- ), I feel, wow, now I¬†have to find a¬†REAL job and make a living!¬†I just feel so…overwhelmed and stressed out about it. My profs all been stressing about ‘oh, make your demo reels as best as you can’, ‘this is¬†it, you have to show these companies that you got what it takes’ blah, and all that, and I sometimes find myself just sooooooooooooo…..overwhelmed. that’s the only word I can think. oh, and pressured¬†too, definitely pressured.

I really want to be¬†really great at what I love to do- but theres so much competition in my class and out in the world! I know theres competition everywhere but…I feel like I need to be so much better. maybe they can motivate me, I try to think of it like that. sighs.

Anyways, this is my little rant of the day I guess.


Oh, and happy 2013. We’re alive. ¬†¬†¬†