[Update] Constant Paranoia with my Younger Sister….

Hey all….wow …this has got to be the longest time since I last updated? Yikes, I apologize…dealing with lots of things, I’ll get into that and just yeah…havent had any motivation to really write up my feelings and updates…

First off, Happy 2018 everyone, it’s incredible and terrifying that another year is gone… Time is a really sensitive thing to me, and to feel another year has passed is just giving me more anxiety for whats to come…

Anyways, I want to quickly address a few things, what I’ve been up to (I hate answering this question) before I jump into the main problem…

So, what’s been happening, well….I’m going to be blunt. I’ve stopped applying for jobs. It’s probably been a good 4 or even 5 months since I stopped, and I don’t know if I talked about this in my previous post , it’s been so damn long, but I’ve said I’d like to go in to the self employment route…qwhich that’s what’s been brewing all this time. I’ve made art accounts for myself to get “my name out there”, so yeah, just been trying to keep up my social media art accounts…and well, it’s taking a while..I knew that from the start, it isn’t going to blow up overnight, I know that..but I do have “mini check-ins” I like to call it, for myself so I can reevaluate how everything is going, what needs to be changed…and if I’m on the right track, etc. that type of things.

Now for the main event…. Well, a lot has been going on with me (mentally…a lot of anxiety rollercoasters, panic attacks and many, many, many crying breakdowns…yeah, great way to start to the new year!) I’ve been trying to get used to my new “plan” in life. I still don’t exactly know where I’m heading, but I just told myself to focus on one thing or smaller things at a time. I think it’s the uncertainty because, after post secondary, one tends to look for a job and well…I’ve spent 3 years trying to do that, and I absolutely hated it…but now that I found somewhat of a new direction…it’s a bit refreshing, but super scary at the same time.

But that’s not even the bulk of this problem. It’s my constant comparison to my younger sister. If you don’t know, I have a younger sister who is 5 years younger, and right now currently she’s in her 2nd year in university….studying to be a nurse..(or something along that line). Here’s where the giant list of comparisons come in. I feel like, I’ve “somewhat failed”, I still have this mindset that, “you only got one shot, and you’re supposed to work that field for the rest of your life other wise you’re fucking doomed”..yea, that’s the mindset I keep having.

My sister didn’t plan on going into nursing, my parents forced her, but… everyone in my extended family praise her and admires her for it. Which in my previous post, everyone talks to her about the same old shit about school. I’m just fucking old news over here, trying to get my shit together and nothing is happening…so, this reputation is starting to show. I’m now the one who doesn’t have anything going for her, whereas my sister is this amazing and admirable to be nurse who helps people….

I fucking hate my life even more.

I’ve always compared myself to people, and now the past I’d say 2 years (ever since she started uni), it has gotten so bad. I would cry almost every night to sleep, crying just hating how everything seems to be going so well for her, and I can’t even get one thing done right. Sometimes it would be so bad that I would cry every night, and even during the day, randomly I would think, and burst into tears and have a fucking breakdown at my desk. I thought changing my career direction would help me distract myself (which, sometimes it does, I”m not going to lie and say it doesn’t) but, most of the time, I can’t stop myself from thinking terrible things in my mind.

So many negative thoughts, so many self doubts and self hate, it just keeps going and going…and well, I just can’t handle it and I find myself talking to my mom, but I can’t control my emotions anymore and I just shout and scream everything that’s going in my mind. No matter how much I try to distract myself, something would always trigger me and send me into a spiralling depression. I can’t stop it anymore. It’s getting to a point it’s impossible, I’m making stupid small things into a big deal.

This whole thing is also related to the whole copying issue with my sister. I’ve said this before, but I have a major copying pet peeve, I hate when someone copies or steals my quirks, ideas etc. I feel like they are taking what makes me unique. And that is what is going with my sister. She has been the one that I;ve always had my eye one, I’m always paranoid that she’s always trying to take whatever she can from me, and use it for herself and become better. I know this sounds ridiculous, and it’s a fucking problem, and it’s ruining my life…it really is. I know it is, but I can’t stop but feel this way.

From my favourite foods, to the genre of songs or shows I watch, to my “healthy lifestyle” (I’ll get into that) to the way I speak…I’m seeing it all show on her. And it’s fucking killing me. I like to eat spicy foods, I see her go for a spicy item and eat it, and say, “It’s not spicy” like she’s fucking proud of it. One time caught her listening to the same type of music as me, that fucking threw me depressed so bad. I stand up a lot, even typing this right now, my laptop is raised so I don’t have to sit…look at that, she puts her laptop up somewhere high too and stands. I started to cut out some extra bread off of a bun or sandwich, I noticed she’s starting to tear off the bread too. I don’t wash my hair often, all of a sudden, she starts to not wash hers as often either (and to add more salt into the wounds, I gifted her dry shampoo for christmas…literally nailed my own coffin). I have some funny comebacks, or clever things to say…I hear her repeating it a few days later…. it fucking never ends.

And there’s more. A whole lot more. I know to others, this is fucking insane and dumb. Which, yeah, I know, I wish I could just brush it off as easily as that. But no…I can’t. It’s becoming to a point where, I don’t even want to let her see what I’m doing. I don’t want to go to her room or see her, because I know, something is going to set me off to a wrong start.

It’s because those quirks and interests, are all that I have now. My life…I odn’t know what my life is anymore, but she has all of her fucking nursing programming to talk about, her volunteer group she does, her huge group of friends to brag and share to everyone…now she’s taking what is making me, me. That is what is killing me. I’m losing myself, everything I have..is now slowly being transferred to her (I know, what am I even saying now, writing a book?)…and I just keep thinking..why should I even be here, if she Me 2.0? BUt better, has a more admirable career choice, has more friends and more exciting things in her life…. Why should old news me..even exist anymore?

So yeah…I’ve been dealing with that…almost every single day. I just experienced another thing a few hours ago, which prompted me to write this…I’m sick and tired of being her shadow, that’s what’s essentially what I’m feeling. The sad, pathetic part is, I’m the older sister, usually, the older sibling would be the one to outshine everyone and do wonderful things…but no….I”m the the old pathetic one living in a younger sibling’s shadow….how fucking pathetic and depressing is that…

I don’t know what to say anymore, it’s just been hard to deal with, I’m crying a lot as I’m typing this…I can’t handle this…sometimes I randomly just thought, I just want something to happen to me.. even something bad, I want something to happen…because, I’m no different from an unused plush toy lying in the corner, old,unloved and forgotten.

 

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Lost….

Feeling…kinda lost again. As you guys have already or not know, is that I have Social Anxiety. I don’t want to think I have a severe case of it, but I definitely do have it, and it’s not minor I guess.

My normal, typical day would be that I wake up, check my phone (instagram, reply to friends) eat breakfast, draw, eat lunch, work out, play some pokemon lol, dinner, computer time (either watch shows/animes, do animation), get ready to bed..and then try to sleep.

Sounds like a comfortable, nice relaxing day, huh? Well, I thought it was, a couple of months ago, after all that stressful homework during College and all, and now its like a culture shock for me. Actually I’ve been getting used to it, I’m trying to keep myself busy and stuff, but sometimes, there are days when it really just…sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I like…doing stuff on my own. I like to draw, it “entertains” me, if you will, and I love to hang out with family and close friends and stuff, but I mean…I could only do that for so long.

I think, the more everyday seems like, the same old thing..I get worried, tired, scared and just..well depressed because its been the same old thing. Now, I’m a person who doesn’t like “change.” Especially when that change is something I know I can’t handle. For example, getting a part time job. And you know how well I handled that one… -_- I know deep down that I’m supposed to work, because 1, I graduated from College already, and 2, I’m an Adult…in my head, adults are supposed to work, not stay at home and blah blah blah…

Yeah, adults can go back to school if they change their minds about their professions, but psychologically in my head, if I do, I feel like I’m behind my age group, and I’m supposed to be working, you know? Anyways, it all roots down to my anxiety..and my capabilities to go to social places, and try my best to survive out there.

So the more I am at home, the more I feel like the anxiety is beating me. That’s why, I think going out as much as possible is the best thing for me. It makes me think I’m “doing something” and “showing myself to the world…”, and I’m not just stuck at home, doing the same old thing, even though I really enjoy doing all of that.

Sometimes I get these thoughts, I feel lost and hopeless because everyone is moving on, except me. LIke I’m stuck in time, sort to speak. Honestly, getting a job won’t make me happy. It would probably make me even that more stressed and worried. But that thought of having a job, the thought of “doing something” and doing something what Adults are supposed to do, propels me to want a job badly, despite my fear.

Sighs, I also try to think of my goals..but sometimes my lost days are too strong, I end up feeling sorry for myself anyways. Another thing that makes things worse, is that I let random things to dictate my happiness. Every little bad thing that happens, I let it get to me, Big time. I’m trying to stop making myself worry…but its so much easier said than done..

OK, what am I even talking about here? Sorry…this is just some random rants/thoughts..I want to be a better person. I want to be stronger, mentally and physically ( I guess..?) Hoping to a better year, because damn last year was crap. I’m really trying my best to be happy with everything that I have, and to not take things for granted. To appreciate even the smallest bit of happiness in my life. Maybe then, I’ll train my mind to stop worrying..and hopefully won’t be a sad mess.

Anyways, till next time, you guys.