Sh*tty Birthday 2.0

Hey all,

It’s not very often I post “frequently” huh? Well, I feel the need to type this up and post it..because it’s just really getting on my nerves.. So I’m just going to just spit it out and hopefully this post will be quick and to the point, because I don’t want to keep dwelling on this any longer.

Well….It’s about my birthday. Today, to be exact (or the 6th, depending on time zones etc.)

So, as from a previous post that’s literally a year ago, I talked about having the worst birthday ever. Long story short, it was about me being upset, disappointed and hurt…because of something extremely stupid. The fact only a very small handful have sent birthday wishes on my timeline…yeah..hella stupid right? Well, I was pretty depressed and upset last year….but..September 2017 rolls around…I got the same anxiety as last year, but the only difference is…I know even fewer people will wish me happy birthday.

And that’s that. I woke up…only my sister wished me on Facebook. Maybe 4 hours or so later, another person did…,and just about now 2 more people have, and that’s it. It’s practically almost 12Am going into the 7th now…a total of 4 people have wished me happy birthday. My aunts and 2 of my cousins have texted a happy birthday wish and also my other friend did too…other than that…na dah.

Yeah. How idiotic to be writing another damn post about this again, right?

And am I upset and hurt? Of course. But am I surprised and feel “blindsided”? No.

Here’s the thing. I was honestly not surprised. Hell, I even expected it. But it did hurt like a motherfucker, especially when Facebook has that damn feature where it announces to everyone on your friends list that, “HEY, IT’S ________ BIRTHDAY! WHY DON’T YOU WISH THEM ONE? EH? WHAT’S THAT? NO? YOU DON’T WANT TO? OK, IT’LL BE CLEAR AS DAY TO THE WORLD THAT THE MAJORITY OF THEIR “FRIEND’S” DON’T GIVE A SHIT!”

(sorry for the major caps…)

But it’s really because of that. I hardly use Facebook, in fact, I never go on it anymore. Even with last year’s post, I said I would delete it…but nope, never gotten around to do it. Why, I really don’t know. I think it has something to do with possibly thinking later-on-the-future-I-would-want-to-contact-them-again BS. You’re probably thinking, why not just take down my birthday so no one gets notified, well…yeah..I learned my lesson now. Because it really makes no fucking difference if I have it there or not.

Also, I don’t know why I even bother to give two shits about it. JUst the day before, I told myself, it doesn’t matter, it’s such a small stupid little thing…it shouldn’t ruin my day. And well, it almost did. I had a small breakdown, I really couldn’t help it, but it just hurts. I push a lot of people away, I suck at keeping in touch with people (hence I literally only have 2 friends..) and not only that, I’m extremely picky with who I want to open myself up to.

Because of all of that, it’s ironic, because why the hell do I expect people who I don’t even talk to anymore, to go out of their way and wish me a generic happy birthday wish? Yeah, it’s baffles me too. It’s totally ironic. I shouldn’t expect them to give a damn about me when on other days of the year, I don’t want them to give a damn about me anyways, so what makes my birthday so special? I think it’s just because I’m afraid of what people think of me.

I’ve always been quiet, an introverted….a loser. And well, Facebook is such a “in your face” platform, the less you are active on there, and the less people interact with you , it’s instantly a giant platform with a big ass arrow that points LOSER to you.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to embrace and think differently instead. I’m trying to cherish the ones that do care, and even if it was a random person that wished me one, I’m grateful for their time to say that to me. I shouldn’t care and worry about what people think of me, or who didn’t say..because in a way, they have all the right to not wish me one. Instead, I want to keep the ones that do, and work on building better relationships with the ones that do care. And to not take people for granted..and defiently not create brooding memories that will haunt me 24/7.

My birthday is nearing the end…I am sure glad it’s coming to a close..but at the same time, I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time worrying and thinking about who will wish me a happy birthday. Because the ones that do, will always have my back, and of course, I will in return have theirs. This is just something I have to realize…and also know that everyone has lives…no one is glued on Facebook forever.

And well, to take off my birthday on my account..or even delete it, and possibly create a new one and just add back the ones that matter to me the most…which…is honestly less than 10..but..thats another problem of mine where I won’t bother sharing…yet.

Anyways… till next time…

 

 

 

 

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{ Update } Feeling Forgotten

Hey all…..so….yeah..I have decided to make a follow up post with the previous one. If you don’t know the whole shebang, pretty much I was bat shit worried about whether or not anyone would wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

What the actual fuck right? I know, I worry about the most tiniest/stupidest  things ever……….. welcome to my life.
Oh and there was more (stupid) things that I was dealing with but that’s not really the whole point……

So this is just a follow up post, and I’ll tell you all what happened..

So after I posted the previous post up, I immediately felt extremely anxious. It was almost 12 AM and literally, I kept wondering whether or not anyone would post anything. I watched a comedy just to take my mind off of it, which it kinda helped. And once the movie ended, it was around 2 AM.

I checked facebook…..and only one person posted. Who was one of my main close friends. (btw…it was that friend who I made a post a few months ago…yeah..)

I tried to not let it get me  and turned off my phone and went to bed. As everynight…I prayed; the usual about hoping to get a job and…well….for my birthday to be a decent day and that I can handle whatever that comes the next day (my bday).

Next morning..I was extremely anxious. I didn`t sleep at all because I was so worried about the number of wishes I`ll get. See how stupid it is. I opened up Facebook…..

And only 1 other person posted after my friend. So in total, only 2 people have said something.

I felt my heart drop so hard. I felt the tears starting to come down my eyes and literally, I just sobbed into my pillow. It`s almost like, I knew it would happen, but I was delusional to think that there would be more than just 2 people to wish mea happy birthday. So I laid there staring at the screen and just knew that my birthday is not a good day.

I was stayed in my room, until my sister came in and wished me  Happy birthday. I could tell she noticed my puffy eyes. I thanked her and she went off. My parents eventually came and wished me a happy birthday and hugged me. As soon as I saw their happy faces, I felt the tears come back again. (YOu`re probabaly thinking I`m absolutly weird and stupid for letting something so small get me down….well…yeah…you`re right… it is pretty stupid. but it gets me..)

I told my mom I wanted to talk to her and she said she can talk with me after they went grocery shopping. From the time she left and came back, no one else has wished me anything. I must`ve had 3 more breakdowns. The feeling of being forgotten and uncared….it`s I guess one of my fears…

My mom came back and we talked and I explained everything. She looked sympathetic but  probably thought I was overreacting. I was a crying mess when I Talked with her. She told me that it was ok, and I should look beyond it. Anyways….still felt like shit after, but for some reason it`s almost like I accepted that no one else would say anything. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful to whoever wishes me a happy birthday, even if it`s just 2 people. But it kinda is like a slap in the face because, that just shows my life- I don`t have a lot of friends, and well…..i`m a loser too…..

Another reason the day went to shit, is that normally my Aunts would text me a Happy birthday message. The whole day, I got no text from them.

So the day went on. I felt extremely anxious and unproductive with my day. We eventually went out to eat, (it’s a tradition that birthdays we`d go to the wherever the birthday person wants) and things got a teeny bit better. LIke  I said, I think it was because I already accepted the fact that only 2 people would wish me a happy birthday.

Pretty much, day comes to a close and to my surprise, a few Facebook wishes started to trickle in. It was obviously not a whole lot, but I am grateful that some more people wished me.

The next day (today) comes around and apparently, low and behold, my Aunts text me Happy birthday messages. I was literally so surprised, and it kinda made me think, “ok, they may have gotten my sisters and my birthday“ ; mine is Sept 6 and my sis is Feb 7.

So now I just feel super guilty for making a fuss because “they didn’t text me yesterday”

The conclusion of this really stupid post is that…..I should really not jump to conclusions. I know it`s easy to think the worst, but there are other reasons behind it and you don`t really know the full story of the situation.    I guess I was so used to thinking so negatively and assume that no one cares about me anymore…..  I’m more or less over the whole Facebook thing, (to be honest I was thinking of deleting it soon…) but I’m just trying to not jump to conclusions so easily…..

This year’s birthday was not the best, and I can only imagine next year would probabaly be the same..or even worse. I’m really considering deleting Facebook, it gives me so much anxiety and I don’t want to see any more of my old High school “friends”.
Anyways, this is just another update to the previous post…

Catch you all later……… .

So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.