The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

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So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.

Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

Update on my “New Job”

Hey everyone, I got another update for you guys regarding…my supposedly new job. After you read that, you know something f-ed up is about to go down.

Well, first off, Happy new year, I know it’s obviously passed the new year but whatever, I bet you all had resolutions all planned up and probably breaking all of them right now (I know i am…) Anyways enough about that, so, its the new year and its supposed to be that time when I was supposed to start at my new job. If you read my previous post, I talked about my journey to that interview and the job offer that was laid out to me. I was told in an email that I was supposed to come in Mid-January………that’s like, right now isn’t it? -.-

Well….here is what happened.

 

So, all of December, I pretty much stopped looking for places. I stopped sending my resumes and reel to studios after the interview, because I felt they genuinely wanted me. Heck they set a time frame of when I could start. With my previous post, you know how happy I felt. I felt relatively relaxed knowing that I don’t have to go searching anymore. Well, am I ever more wrong.

I had doubts in the beginning, and it traveled until this day. I was happy, but there was this weird doubt lurking around and I just couldn’t fully be happy about it. I knew something was up. Maybe it’s me being a pessimist 24/7, but I couldn’t shake off those weird doubts I was having. And so, last week, I checked my email, (I do everyday) and there was no response from the studio. I was beginning to feel really anxious again, and so I sent them a follow up email to them asking them if the position is still available and if yes, could they tell me a start date. I Sent that last Wednesday.

No response. And it’s friggin MOnday right now. Am I being too naggy? Hell no, its been 3 work days already, I’ve expected them to at least tell me the latest news if I’m in or not. But no. Still nothing. Funny right? Stupid shit always seems to happen to me.

I don’t even know now. To be honest, I’m not even disapointed by the fact I didn’t get it, I’m more disapointed by the fact they couldn’t even send a fucking email telling me I’m not the right fit. Especially the build up they gave me, and they even gave me a fucking estimated date to start. What the actual fuck. Great start to 2016. ANd if things couldn’t get any worse, I have a delightfully exciting family party this weekend. I’m being hella sarcastic, fuck no I don’r want to see my relatives, especially with absolutely no news about my “new job”.

I don’t even know anymore. I thought things were going great, or at least beginning to get “newer”, but I Guess it’s back to searching for more jobs all over again. You see, shit like this always happens to me. People always seem to forget about me or replace me with something/someone better.

I don’t know how much of this I could take. Each day is just as bland as the other. I feel worthless and useless, and me being worried about what other people think of me, my whole family and friends judging me so hard, thinking “I’m so lazy,” and that I can’t do shit. I told myself, I wished I could find something before the new year, and early December, it really seemed like I got it. But I guess not, it was a joke. The doubts I was having, it came true, every negative thing I predict always comes around and happens.

Well, that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t know how much I could take. I don’t want to do anything rash, I’m so scared that I will. Because Nothing good really exists with me.

Feeling so Trapped and Lost…

Warning: Swearing cuz I’m depressed af

Hey all, I guess this is another update, and right now we have now moved to the new city. We’ve been here for pretty much a month now, and let’s just say, things have not been easy. The move itself was stressful because we have shit ton of things to carry over, but living her hasn’t been the best.
Before we moved and when I was still in the condo, I feared of moving into a new city and new place. I feared that of course I wouldn’t know anyone or what to do there, I feared that I would be trapped in my home. And low and behold, that is exactly what happened.
I find myself everyday, waking up, my parents leaving extremely early to do random errands like get new furniture or some shit, and I’m stuck in the house the whole day doing completely nothing. There is nothing to do here, the neighbourhood is small and quiet, hardly any stores to walk into, let alone, us being the pinch of Asians living here. Not only that, there’s hardly any “younger” people my age, so yeah, recipe for depression 2.0.
I would sometimes go on walks with my mom, but that’s only at most once a week, and I hate staying at home for more than 2 days max, and right now, its the 3rd day has passed. I feel so suffocating and trapped, I also feel like my anxiety and depression gets so much worse when I don’t get out. You’re probably saying, Why the hell don’t you go out on your own?
Well, I would love to, but I have no idea where I am, and I do not feel comfortable going out by myself. Back in my old house, I would gladly just get the hell out, I would go down to the frozen yogurt shop or get some Starbucks, or even go browse around Walmart. And Here? Nothing, zero, absolutely nothing.
It’s so frustrating because lately, my dad has been mad at me (no surprise there) and I overheard him saying to my mom, because the fight between us was ridiculous to the point that is hilarious, but anyways, overheard him bitching to my mom, literally saying why I still cant find work and that I’m lazy and I don’t do anything. And there he is, unemployed for most of his life talking shit about me whose actually trying every single fucking day to find a fucking job. Not only that, he can’t even write a resume, needs to ask my mom to do it, he’s a fucking piece of shit. Anyways off topic, so my dad and I are on shit terms as usual, so that really adds to the greatness to my life.
And on top of all of that, my friend texted me saying this girl who used to be in my shoes (still finding work) finally got a job at a studio, and it was a position I applied to as well, and look at that, they got her instead. Whoopie, things keep getting better and better.
I don’t know how many times I would pray every night, asking for the same thing, to get a job or to even have a fucking good day. Honestly, I’ve been doing that for what, almost 2 years now. And look at me, still in this shithole of a life and in a deeper shithole than last year. I’ve been so miserable and angry at everything, I just can’t seem to enjoy anything. My depression has gotten the better of me and suicide thoughts keep ringing in my ear non stop. I would search up painless ways to end my life but all that shit costs money. If I had the guts to actually do it, I’d do it. I can’t stand my life right now, and never in my entire life have I ever thought I’d be in this hell hole. Never.

I’ve gained weight from all of this stress, I’ve been eating unhealthy and I’ve stopped working out, everything is falling apart for me. And I can’t stop comparing myself to others, that girl I mentioned, my sister, my cousins, my friends who are all so happy and successful on Facebook, what the actual hell, it’s like I’m the joke of this world. A big fucking laugh, that’s what I’m here for…
All I ever want is to feel happy again, and for even just one day, not worry and enjoy and be happy. Happiness last for a few seconds for me, because wherever I feel happy, I think wait, I have all of this other shit to worry about remember? And then the dark cloud comes back over me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I develop ulcers from all of this worrying.
Sighs, the days have been quite long and I’ve been crying everyday because I just hate my life and I hate myself for everything. I just want to leave this place, anywhere is better than here, and honestly, it’s not like I’m gone, it’s like I was never here in the first place.

I F*cking Hate my Dad

Warning: Contains swearing

I am literally so sick with my dad. I’m in the library again because he of course, took away my internet. No surprise there! Over the 22 years of my life, i get non stop verbal abuse from him. He’s disrespectful to me…my mom, even his own mom! Just last night, he told my mom to tell me to clean the toothpaste stains off from the toilet. Oh yeah, he doesn’t actually confront me about those things, he needs to send a messenger to tell me that. OK, so I did and when I did, he starts whistling this ear splitting tune (If you know me, I have a major pet peeve of whistling, especially coming from my dad) and literally, that triggered so much anger in me. It was like he was taunting and laughing at me while I have to clean the shit off the toilet.

So after I was done, stormed out and I don’t care if he heard, and said, “There? happy?”. My mom was in the kitchen and heard and she was trying to calm me down but whatever. And now look, boom, no internet. My mom says its my attitude and how I handled the situation. Oh ok, I apparently have a attitude problem where my dad can walk out free with no problem?

Just a few days ago it was the Canadian thanksgiving and we were at my Aunts place and we were playing poker. I didn’t know how to play so I was the only player that was inexperienced, and my cousins were teaching me and all and so when the “real play” begins, there was one part of the game I won a good amount. My dad who was also playing was like in such a sarcastic tone, “wow, you really do know how to play, maybe its beginner’s luck!” A few minutes back, he would literally taunt me and insult me saying, “do you know how to play?” “why are you playing if you don;t know how to?” and my personal favourite, when it was just my cousin, me and I think someone else (since everyone folded) my cousin won a huge chunk of chips and then my dad laughed at me saying, “Yeah! Take it from the weak!” No one on the table was laughing and my Aunt was saying to him, “Don’t call your daughter weak!” I don’t remember if he reacted but I don’t give a shit, he said all those things in front of everyone. Goes to show how much a douche he is.

I obviously was upset, I tried to not cry in the table, but I felt my eyes flood with tears but I tried to look away and not look hurt. I don’t want to cause a scene you know. Anyways, there’s that and more from where that came from. I have 0 respect for him, I don’t care what happens to him, he’s been such a slob and greedy person and is constantly getting worse year by year. This year has been the worse, we are in the middle of moving and my mom says he stressed because of it I’m like whatever, there’s no reason for hm to treat us like that.

He drinks so much, every night he would have a few glasses of wine or beer, spends every bit of his money on alcohol, its just disgusting. My mom would tell him no more drinking and then he would just smile with a red face and say, “OK. Sure.” and then pour yet another glasses. Oh and I think I mentioned he’s unemployed for most his life. My mom recently retired and she was the pillar of the family, she earned the money for us to have a home and eat. My dad…well, he wastes and abuses that money for alcohol and his own random stupid tech appliances. Every weekend he would want steak or roast beef (and that shit is expensive) but of course, he wants it, he gets it. So much money goes down the drain because of him. Almost like he’s a black hole or something, ugh I just can’t take it.

I hate how my mom can just stand by him, for all of the things he’s done. Has no respect for both of us, I feel he favours my younger sister a lot as he hardly yells at her. Not that she’s not home she’s definitely not getting that treatment. He’s done so many wrongs to my mom, he would yell at her, accuse her for small mistakes and literally behind the lines calls her dumb, he puts her down and something that I shouldn’t be writing up here…he doesn’t allow my mom to visit her parents. I’m not going to go in detail because its a very personal problem in our family, but he doesn’t let her see them, call them or even mention them. It’s so inhumane, he’s a fucking piece of shit and I hate him so much.

Makes me all the more to get a job and move out. And when I get a stable income I would only help out my mom, provide her with everything and pay no attention to him. I don;t care if he’s in the hospital, I’m not going to waste a second on him.

Anyways, a random rant on him, I just can’t stand him anymore. I don’t ever want a husband that would treat me or my kids like that. My dad is so lucky to have a patient, kind and reasonable woman like my mom and he just takes every advantage possible. My mom being a Christian doesn’t want to divorce because of the vow or something..

And screw the person who said, “A girl’s first love is her father” Fuck that. “A girl wants a husband like her father” Ya, Fuck that too.