Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

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Update on my “New Job”

Hey everyone, I got another update for you guys regarding…my supposedly new job. After you read that, you know something f-ed up is about to go down.

Well, first off, Happy new year, I know it’s obviously passed the new year but whatever, I bet you all had resolutions all planned up and probably breaking all of them right now (I know i am…) Anyways enough about that, so, its the new year and its supposed to be that time when I was supposed to start at my new job. If you read my previous post, I talked about my journey to that interview and the job offer that was laid out to me. I was told in an email that I was supposed to come in Mid-January………that’s like, right now isn’t it? -.-

Well….here is what happened.

 

So, all of December, I pretty much stopped looking for places. I stopped sending my resumes and reel to studios after the interview, because I felt they genuinely wanted me. Heck they set a time frame of when I could start. With my previous post, you know how happy I felt. I felt relatively relaxed knowing that I don’t have to go searching anymore. Well, am I ever more wrong.

I had doubts in the beginning, and it traveled until this day. I was happy, but there was this weird doubt lurking around and I just couldn’t fully be happy about it. I knew something was up. Maybe it’s me being a pessimist 24/7, but I couldn’t shake off those weird doubts I was having. And so, last week, I checked my email, (I do everyday) and there was no response from the studio. I was beginning to feel really anxious again, and so I sent them a follow up email to them asking them if the position is still available and if yes, could they tell me a start date. I Sent that last Wednesday.

No response. And it’s friggin MOnday right now. Am I being too naggy? Hell no, its been 3 work days already, I’ve expected them to at least tell me the latest news if I’m in or not. But no. Still nothing. Funny right? Stupid shit always seems to happen to me.

I don’t even know now. To be honest, I’m not even disapointed by the fact I didn’t get it, I’m more disapointed by the fact they couldn’t even send a fucking email telling me I’m not the right fit. Especially the build up they gave me, and they even gave me a fucking estimated date to start. What the actual fuck. Great start to 2016. ANd if things couldn’t get any worse, I have a delightfully exciting family party this weekend. I’m being hella sarcastic, fuck no I don’r want to see my relatives, especially with absolutely no news about my “new job”.

I don’t even know anymore. I thought things were going great, or at least beginning to get “newer”, but I Guess it’s back to searching for more jobs all over again. You see, shit like this always happens to me. People always seem to forget about me or replace me with something/someone better.

I don’t know how much of this I could take. Each day is just as bland as the other. I feel worthless and useless, and me being worried about what other people think of me, my whole family and friends judging me so hard, thinking “I’m so lazy,” and that I can’t do shit. I told myself, I wished I could find something before the new year, and early December, it really seemed like I got it. But I guess not, it was a joke. The doubts I was having, it came true, every negative thing I predict always comes around and happens.

Well, that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t know how much I could take. I don’t want to do anything rash, I’m so scared that I will. Because Nothing good really exists with me.

Working Fast Food…D:

What’s up everyone…I’m baaaack (Well, I’ve been always here, I just am too lazy to post sometimes haha)

So, I guess I’ll give a quick update on what has been happening with my, lovely life… I was being sarcastic..ha. First off, 3 or so weeks ago I have applied to a bunch of retail/fast food places, because I have been so determined to get a job. Staying at home is great, but for more than you have to, it really gets you. This may be random, but has anyone played the Sims before? In the 3rd game, there was a Sim characteristic trait where a Sim can’t stay at home for too long, otherwise it will get super crazy! Well….I have that trait. I tend to go nuts if I stay at home for more than 2 days straight, like i have to get the hell out!! it drives me up the wall D:

OK, sorry where was I? Oh yeah, so I was so desperate in getting out and needing a job, I sent it out to a few places. Well a week later, I got a call from an unexpected place, it was a pizza place. NOw, the reason why I said it was unexpected was that, the person didn’t ask for my resume and he said he wasn’t hiring either. I was very surprised that he called me! So I went along with it, and everything seemed the be pretty straight forward. Mind you, I was still so scared because of my SA, but more or less, I really wanted to keep going.

My manager told me that my shifts were Friday to Sunday AT NIGHT. OH..MY GOODNESS. At night!? Not only that, the busiest days of the week?! Holy crap, I don’t think I could go with it! I was literally petrified; my training days were done during the day, where there were light rushes and not that many people. But at friggin night-time? I was so worried and scared. SO I tried out the first night, and it was a disaster! I handled the cash and took people’s orders etc, but there was just so many people! It was so scary >.< Pretty much, at its peak of the dinner rush, people were lined up in the store, a lot of them were waiting for their pizzas to be made and it was so hectic.

Lots of them came to me and complained about how long they’ve waited, and I kept apologizing and they rolled their eyes at me and crossed their arms. They were pissed, and I was so embarrassed and I didn’t know what to do…

So after that night, I came to the conclusion that this was not right for me. My previous part time work was at a food place as well, and I guess, fast food is not right for me. I just can’t take all that pressure and stress, it was way too much. So…I quit the next day. >___< I told my manager, and he was supportive of me. I’m so thankful. He told me that, “Its alright, I’m not going to force you to do something if you don’t want to.” And so he gave me the money that I’ve earned and wished me well. He was a good guy, I Just wished I didn’t have to work at night. 😦 And its not like i can negotiate a better shift for me, because he said he wanted people for that particular night. Sighs. Well, now I’m unemployed again.

Got to admit, it feel damn good again to relax, and not worry so much about work. I’ve done that way too much the pass week. But at the same time, the fact that I quit and now I’m unemployed, makes me feel like…I don’t know…a loser? |A quitter? A weak person… >.< My mom told me that fast food isn’t for everyone and told me that its OK to leave, but I Just can’t help but think that other people will look at me as a weak person….sighs.

Anyways, that’s my quick update, I actually have to go and work out now, and right after leave to go to Walmart haha I hope things will get better…I really, really hope it does.

Update..I guess?

Hello everyone,

Just giving a quick update about where my life is going (if anyone cares ha..)

OK, so in my previous post, I talked about the job I applied to. Well, I ended up going with it..I did the evaluation test just a week and few days ago. So…since then I have been absolutely anxious and curious about how I did.

Until, a few days ago, I got a phone call from them. Being the person that I am, I didn’t call them back right away. But the thoughts that were going through my mind, I was wondering “why did they call”, “did they hire me?” ” Did I do good?” and then the other thoughts came in…”oh no, what if I do get hired, I will have to see them again..see my other coworkers as well!” -__- yeeah, because let’s just say, the evaluation day was pretty hard on me. The work itself was easy..but the people, omg..I couldn’t even muster any courage to say anything to them. Why didn’t I talk about this before..I’m sorry..

So, all this time I have been so anxious and worried about what they want, if I got hired, stuff like that. It took me 2 days to get all my shit together, and the day of (today) I had to call them. I kept telling myself of the good things that could happen if I do get hired and the dreams that I want to achieve.

I called them back..and…

They didn’t hire me.

Yeah, I didn’t get it. But, they said they had another job for me that was for sure. That’s, if they can finalize everything and decide to go and hire another bunch for that section.

I was honestly…devasted. Ironic right? All this time, I was worried and losing so much sleep over something like this, and I finally got the courage to go and call and see what’s up…and they I didn’t get picked. Yeah, ok, there is possibly of another opportunity, but to go through all that trauma and stress all over again? Sighs..I don’t even know if I can handle all that.

I have had suicidal thoughts again (before I had to make the call), I wanted to run away and never do this ever again…but I don’t know, my “reasonable” thoughts told me, “You have a whole life ahead of you, you’re going to miss out on everything, you won’t be able to see Kris at all” <– yeah, that thought too.

Sighs…I don’t know what has become of me. I have become such a sad person…I can never be happy about anything. Everytime something happens, I always think the worse and the negative part of it. I even think…”Why am I even here..?” >.<

Anyways, apparently they are supposed to contact me by the end of the week, and if I don’t hear from them I should call (oh yaay…). sighs

I pray every night about my anxiety and my depression…I’m just so tired…I hope things will get better soon…please…

Im back

First off, I’m back…again…once again. I haven’t gotten a chance to blog ANYTHING due to no internet access ;____________: *tears* how do i live without friggin internet? I DONT EVEN KNOW.
Sooo, during the summer I did end up getting a job. Maybe its because it was my first one…but it was terrible. So..I guess thankfully I had to quit before school started becuase im such a go-getter-school person. (and because the fact that I hated it..shh)

But on the bright side, at least i “got the foot in the door” kind of thing.

Annnnd, I also have gotten my manga done! But, I still dont feel AS confident to put it up just yet. But its looks good, if i do say so myself 🙂 it is a total of 124 pages. Props to me yooo

I NEED A JOB :(

Yes, everyone needs this, I NEED A JOB!!

I feel like I applied everywhere, of course I’ve been pretty picky about some of the stores I want, but I’ve got a few malls covered, places near my house, and NOTHING! D: its so depressing just thinking about it.

I just want to make some quick cash and to gain some experience, meet new people, stuff like that. sighs, i wish I could get an interview right now. I’m losing hope right now 😦 boohoo me. 

Yeah, this a quickie post about my giant dilemma. boooo~ i wish ill get an interview soooooon~~~~~~