My First Week as a Intern…

Warning: Long ass post….

Hey everyone…Happy 2017! I hope you all had a fun and safe New Years, as for I, I hung out with family…pretty standard, since I hardly go out to parties, especially now that I live in place that’s literally in the middle of nowhere…..

Now….let’s begin this “update” / “kinda rant” post… This will be a continuation from my previous post, where I talked about going into an interview for an internship. Well, my first day was this Tuesday (Jan 3) and let me just say….it was one of the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced. Going back a few weeks ago when I got the news that I actually got the job, I could not stop thinking about it. It took over my life and it seemed to really slow down my motivation to work on my current projects and other things, like I couldn’t fully feel invested in the current activity.

So the day before my start day, I got notification that my start date was moved a day later. It was originally 2nd, but since everyone else in the company apparently worked throughout the holidays, they took the 2nd off and everyone would come back on the 3rd. I remember feeling relieved, but at the same time worried again because I have to wait yet another day to begin this job. I had no idea what to expect; of course I had mainly negative things to foresee in this job, but I tried to make the best and think…it’s no big deal!………Right?

Well, was I ever wrong. My first day is what I consider a disaster. Firstly, I had to ask 3 people to double-check whether or not I was going in the right direction. I am terrible at navigating myself to places, and only rely on “visual landmarks” if that makes sense. I had to wake up friggin early, like 5:30 and we left around 6:15, and to travel to my bus station which is 40 minutes away. It was still dark and I literally could not see. Oh, it was heavily pouring rain too, that was a bonus! I had a legit panic attack as soon as I realized I could not find a way inside to the station and had to struggle to ask someone and she oh so graciously helped me and pretty much, I just had to keep walking straight…

OK, I get on the bus, ride another hour or so, to only get off and take my second bus…yeah, who the fuck does all of this commuting in the first place? Oh wait, me, because I’m a loser who is desperate to find work so I can safely tell people, I do work…. Anyways, I take my 2nd bus and I got off a wrong stop. Yay, I begin walking and it dawned to me that I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be. I had to ask yet another person and apparently, it was close by…so I had to keep walking and eventually after 15 or so minutes…I made it. For fucks sake, am I right?

Now I got there like 20 minutes early, so I just walked around and at the same time tried to tame my quickening heartbeat because as the time went by I just kept panicking more. There was absolutely nothing to do around there, as I described it in my previous post, there was nothing but factories and rundown buisnesses….it all just looked so sketchy and just… not appealing at all. Finally as the time became closer, I decided to go in. Holy shit, it took so many self talks to just keep walking to the front door..I was a friggin hot mess, not only physically because of the rain but mentally I was just so messed up from my anxiety. I got in, and literally it was dead quiet in there. I tried my best to not walk out and take the bus back home, but instead go and look for someone.

I peer into this office and to see apparently, the CEO of this place and I struggled to introduce myself and he told me to sit there and someone would come and get me…? Thankfully, just as I came in another woman walked in (she was one of the ones that interviewed me..) and she looked like she had never seen me before and it registered in her mind that I was the one that got picked and she took me upstairs where all of the computers were. I see pretty much a bit more familiar faces and it just all started to sink that…this was it. This is relaity…this is actually happening. I’m standing in a room full of strangers, who are going to be working with me. OMG. My heart rate just spikes up.

A guy who interviewed me, greeted me first, and I awkwardly said hi to him and tried my best to greet everyone there. The guy took me to my computer and told me I would be working there. It was slow as I just sat there where everyone else mingled and talked about their new years party. I just sat there awkwardly and the guy (not saying any names, let’s call him J) tried to include me and said I shouldn’t be shy and I should relax. Well shit, if he knew what I was going through and feeling right now, it’s not easy to just “not be shy and to relax”, like, hell no.

Apparently there was a meeting I had to join, so we all went in this room and I finally got to meet our leader ( I literally have no idea what his role is, he claims to have the 2nd in most control of the place) and he starts talking about current projects and his visions. THis place is a very, very, very small place to begin with, and they are seriously understaffed. Like what the actual hell. The leader starts preaching about what he wants for this company (oh and he swears a whole lot in front of us, this is a VERY casual/chill place….) and he starts yapping about how he hates how “older employers” look down on this company because we’re young (which is true, the average age for this place is like 26 tbh). Anyways, he kept talking about how he just wants us to keep working and says he doesn’t care if we’re sick, he wants results as fast as possible. OK, some may take that as just joking and overexagerating….no, I honestly feel he was being serious. Which scares me, because I was not planning on staying here long…

Meeting ended, and I was finally assigned something. I tried my best to do it and J checked in  to see how I was and whatever. Some time during the day, he was trying his best to teach me what should have been done…and I literally had to watch him work for like another hour. Oh btw, after the meeting, they all went to lunch. Do I drive? No I don’t, did I bring my lunch? Oh yes, I’m just that person! So everyone literally left and I was stuck there eating my lunch and doing my work, which is completely fine because everyone was gone…but the feeling of being left out? Ah I dunno, I didn’t care because honestly, I can say I cannot mesh or click with these people at all.

There was an older gentlemen, who didn’t go out to eat and I got a chance to talk to him. He initiated the convo obviously because, hello, I can’t speak first for shit. The day went on and things were just….riding along, I was still awkwardly glued to my seat because the only time I get up is to use the bathroom…-_-. I don’t exactly remember everything (trying to also block out the nightmares from it..) but the day ended, and I got to leave. Most of them stayed behind to do more work, but I’m all like get me the fuck out of here. So I left, and J was kind enough to actually drive me to the bus stop, because it was still pouring rain. Which…hoenstly gave me a positive impression of him, and I appreciate it. Going back home, is where I almost felt I got lost yet again, I had a mini panic attack in the bus as I was staring at the stop title monitor thing like a serial killer.

I had to ask someone and turned to the lady next to me, which startled her because I just randomly asked if the bus passed the street I had to get off and she said it hadn’t. What do you know, the next stop was the one and I got off and took the last bus to meet up with my mom so he could drive another fucking hour back home. Just to let you know, the total commute is about 3 fucking hours..ONE WAY. Awesome, huh?

Let me just say, I was very upset and overwhelmed with my first day. I had to talk to my mom and literally, cried my heart out because it was just so bad. It may not seem like it was a disastrous day, but honestly, I tried to block out all of those bad memories out and was just so fed up with everything. I was exhausted, mentally and physically and was just in a state of fear, anxiousness and worry. Almost like a nightmare, but was coming true and in reality. My mom tried her best to comfort me and I can tell she looked worried and also shocked to see me so upset. I told her I wanted to leave and not do this again and honestly, I truly felt that at the time. But I knew deep down I wanted to try for a week. My mom says it was just the first day blues and it was expected to feel overwhelmed because it my first day. But I felt so scared…I didn’t want to go back and I felt uncomfortable with the people around me. J and the older man are the only ones that I feel comfortable with.

It was a rough night, and so after the long talk with my mom, I took a shower to freshen up and slept early to go on the next day. I prayed (like every night), for a better day and to give me clarity so I can decided what I want to do with everything. So the next day came around and I got onto all my busses successfully, thankfully and got to the place. The day started the same, and J assigned me to fix something which I went to go do. Apparently they had another meeting, but the leader didn’t join them since he was on his phone, swearing up the place like it’s no big deal and eventually went to the meeting. I could hear them shouting and talking about everything, which made me uncomfortable again. And let me just say this…part of me had this feeling that something will blow up. I don’t know what, but I sensed an argument, or some sort of confrontation rising up.

Their meeting lasted about 2 hours, and J came back to see how I was doing, and apparently it was all good. Then the leader came to me to see what I was doing and I told him I was doing the next piece and he just snapped. He was yelling at J across the room, and saying how I should have the full list of things to do, and J told him that we was working on the rest. The leader was literally screaming at all of us, saying we’re not working together and that he needs to have everything all done by the certain day and blah blah blah. Like holy shit, he just exploded and yelled at all of us, and let me just say…that is not a good look. It was also something I didn’t need since I was already unsure about this whole place. And I think this was my clarity. I know I can’t control who I work with, but if I see that I’ll be working under some mad man like that guy…..fuck that, I don’t want to deal with his outburst ass.

But I thought of J, and I kept thinking, if I leave in a week (that was my first plan), not only does it look bad on my part but I would feel extremely guilty because J would be doing all of the work by himself. I always wondered why was I, the only intern on board, and I wanted to know why they couldn’t find others….oh right, because this place is not legit and I’m not getting paid, and that I’m working under a crazy person..

Ugh it’s hard remembering what happened since the past few days were so rough on me…. But on the same day, a guy who sits sorta next to me, tries to strike a conversation with me. Since I don’t initiate anything…I’m sure it’s awkward for everyone since they probably think of me as some quiet loner…which is very true…. Anyways, I don’t know how the topic came about, but we were talking about smoking… (the fuck…?) and he was like, “Oh, I can’t imagine (my name) smoking!” And I tend to have a habit of stuttering, especially when I’m in an uncomfortable position (24/7) and I was like, “N-no-no, I d-don’t s-s-smoke!” And you know what he did? He literally imitated my fucking stutter with his “girl” voice. Wow.

Now OK, some may think he’s joking and whatnot…but seriously…. That is not what I needed… Am I being a party pooper or something? Maybe I am…but, my 2nd day was better…but it still had moments where I just felt like I wanted to leave right away.

Now onto my 3rd day, I got back from work and honestly…..things kinda turned out alright. The beginning was a bit of a rough start because my leader came crashing in again and was close to having another outbursts. He wanted me to do something I am not comfortable with, so I told him I wanted learn something new instead. He actually liked the idea, and said it was good that I’m learning- in my head I was relieved he agreed but at the same time wondered if he really did care…all I wants is results fast….

So J sort of taught me, and despite him not consistently making sense, I felt I got the gist of everything. So I began to do my work and I think I got the hang of it. Everyone then all went to lunch….and I was left upstairs, glued to my seat…too afraid to go down to the kitchen to eat with everyone else. Yeah…..that was the low part of my day, I’m still not comfortable going down to see everyone having fun and laughing. I instead ate at my desk and worked…..

No one was in the room and I had a moment to myself which was what I needed since, I tend to go insane when I’m surrounded with people. While I was working I kept hearing everyone talking and laughing….. It honestly made me feel worse. I know, I brought it upon myself essentially, but I can’t just go down there like it’s nothing…It takes me so much energy and courage to even go up to someone and talk….

Day went on, and it kind of got better from there. J told me I did well on my task, which I obviously doubted his praise ( I always do…blame my insecurity with everything) and then for the last hour, we just talked. And it was kinda nice, he always has random things to say and the other guy (the one who mimicked me…) joined in, and we all just had small talks…but it felt…alright. LIke for a few minutes I felt, comfortable and not afraid even. I don’t know how it turned out like that…but it did.

Anyways, day ended, I missed my bus….had to wait in the cold for another 40 min, so that sucked, but other than that, my 3rd day….wasn’t AS bad. I’m still trying to accept the fact I have another week to go through, but I’m really trying here. I’m trying to be more confident and to be more positive about going into everyday. I’m trying to get up around 6:15 and push my ass to get ready and once I’m there, I’m trying to push myself to the front entrance. Yeah….I have backed out many times, but ended up walking in those doors….

In the end…I know that I will be getting experience out of this, no matter what. Experienced in my work, people, how to get to places etc. I know I have said I’m willing to only try a month…but I dunno. I still miss my old life, I miss the days I get to work on my projects in relative peace…I don;t know where everything will take me. I feel things happen for a reason…and I don’t want to always chicken my way out of everything….. Sigh, we’ll see I guess. I’ll try to keep posting, and if anything “major” happens of course…I’ll defiently be writing here.

[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

Quick update

Hey all….it’s been…a while, yes, did you see that coming? Anyways, like the title it’s just kinda like a little update, and pretty much what the title is about. Quick update……yes….still on the job hunt. I’ve actually went to a job fair (more like forced myself to go) about a month ago. I actually “diary vlogged” myself going through that “rough time” as it was super stressful and my anxiety was shooting up to the roof… it was not fun. But I made myself go, and well, I didn’t get any offers…but the fact I did my best and went to the studios that I aimed for, I felt proud of myself for doing that….
About that diary log…I actually filmed that for my YouTube channel. It’s something I wanted to try out, but yeah, I just felt like sharing it and other videos I film on my copious amounts of spare time. Not sure yet if I feel comfortable about linking my channel….but..maybe one day… You could kind of say, my YouTube channel is a more “PG” rated version of this blog..lol, because of the fact that I don’t curse on there, and that I don’t go in full detail to how I’m feeling. Not saying I’m acting fake on it, but I do put up some wall so not everything is shown- you know? In my blog is definitely a lot more personal…

 

Anyways, after this post there’s going to be a hella serious posts. I’m going through another shit time.. so yeah.

Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

A little update..

Hey everyone, its been a while..(again!) I am alive…great I guess, oh crap the french e on my keyboard is acting up again..-_- ?? oh there its fixed

A little update is that well…..still looking for a job. No surprise there! -_- A few weeks ago though I decided/push/forced myself to go to this recruitment party thing downtown. I was scared shitless, you have no idea. But I went. I did it. Haven’t heard back from them, but I’m trying to be positive here. At least I went to give it a shot. And I’m glad that I did…even if nothing really came out of it..sighs.

Besides from job searching, I find my comparing myself countless of times to others. comparing myself with other people is such a poison to one’s life. I’m in that boat and I just can’t seem to get out. It sucks. I keep comparing myself to my younger sister. Her life has been going so well, she’s been doing things and making progress whereas I’m in the same friggin position. I try to do things that make me happier and to distract myself from other things but it just doesn’t help. My sister will be living off with my grandma (cuz we moved and the condo we’re in is too far from her school) and she pretty much has a shot at living on her own, getting to set her own rules and literally be with her friends. Me….well….of course I’m still with my family. Not saying being with them is bad, but do you see how much freedom I get? I can’t stop thinking about it…it hurts, it sucks…I just really hate my life.

Not only that my birthday is less than a week away, and I should be happy about it. No I’m not, I’m far from happy. I can’t even think straight, being another year older it just another reminder that a years passed and still no accomplishments. I’m such a pessimist, yay..

Anyways, what makes matters even more craptastic, I just sent a resume and cover letter to a studio (which the position is very ideal for me)….and guess what? I have a friggin beautiful typo on it! Wow, if things couldn’t get any worse. Guess what I mistyped “programs” with?

Prograsm.

yes.

Prograsm.

Are you fucking kidding me??? fuck my life to that max, there’s goes my shot at another possible chance. you’re probably wondering how the hell did I type that in? Well, I have 2 cover letters, and there was line in one of them I decided to copy and paste in, and I guess, Word just went haywire and programs became prograsm. And Word
didn’t even notify that mistake too, thanks Word…
So now I’m debating whether or not I should resend it. Maybe I should…ugh but I don’t want to seem desperate and annoying. But then I don’t want to sound dumb either..

Anyways, I have to go…life is always just super grand for me….