Sunday Wrap Up at Anime North 2017…

Hello everyone, this is the last day of Anime North. As I’m actually typing this at 2am ( on Sunday, dunno when I’ll post this..) ..I’m exhausted and sunburned, I should be in bed but I got distracted and now I’m typing this because if I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll forget it and not write anything down.

 
So Sunday came along, i was really hoping the weather would not rain…and fortunately, it stayed sunny all day which was amazing. I also took my luggage into my hotel’s storage (for free too!) so that I could enjoy the last day of the convention..baggage free, literally.
I was hoping to get into one of the photoshoots on Sunday and give my Friday character another go (since I was ridiculously depressed af on Friday), but didn’t want to dress up, since I still get major anxiety of people giving me strange looks outside of a con. And so I just did my makeup and wore “half” of my character’s outfit. Good thing about his outfit is pretty “normal”, but I ended up looking super emo and edgy…which..I guess I don’t mind since I like that kind of look haha

 
I checked out of the hotel and headed out. Just as I went out, I saw the damn shuttle bus leave. I was pissed, but then I tried to keep it cool and debated if I Should walk it. Then a girl came over to me and asked if I knew when the bus was coming, and I told her it just left. We were both frustrated and then she decided to call an uber, and asked i I wanted to come along. I agreed and we both got in and got there in less than 10 minutes!

 

We actually had a nice conversation (at least to me it was…) and we talked about childhood weeeb like memories and we actually had a lot in common. She was very nice and in a way, I’m glad we somehow ran into each other. Everything just worked out. We parted ways and honestly, meeting her really lifted my spirits and made me look forward to the day even more. I eventually met up with my friend, who was also with another friend, who was a college classmate of mine too. We all hung out and I wanted to go to the artist alley to buy more crap.

 

So we did, and I felt bad since the 2 guys were just following me around, so I told them we could split and then meet up before the photoshoot. They agreed and I went ahead, and shopped guilt free. Not sure if I mentioned in the Saturday post, but I went to this booth who had a these very nice prints, but they told me the one I wanted was sold out. They told me if I came back on Sunday, I could get it.

 
And so, Sunday, I looked around for that booth, as that was my first priority. Finally found them, and there was a huge crowd already. I waited and then the girl in front of me asked for the print I was looking for. I overheard them say, they were sold out………. my heart just dropped. The girl left and I went up to them and asked if it was really sold out, and they said yes. But then she looked at me, and asked if I was the girl from Saturday. I nodded and then she said she saved a copy for me…. you don’t even know how happy I got. I know..it’s just a print..chill brah

 
I kept saying thank you to her and I paid and asked if she was one of the characters in the series I was cosplaying. She shook her head and I told her she looked like that character…and well, OK I suck at making a conversation, so anyways I thanked them again and left. Went around, tried to find more things…and then and idea popped in my head. I thought of a last minute accessory for my cosplay. And so I hunted down a random black face mask and luckily found a spandexy like black skull mask and I just bought it since… I think it would add a lot to the character. LIke I said, I probably will post pics….later…

 
Met up with my friend, and then I rushed to a washroom to quickly change since the photshoot was in a hour. I changed and with the mask on….I honestly felt…..awesome. (The character has a mask, but he takes it off halfway into the game). Maybe it’s the fact no one can see my face, and I Like the look of this punkish, emo edgy look…it just made me feel confident in that character. So we all went to the photoshoot and at first, I thought I was the only one as that character.

 

BUt…another one showed up, but she was nice and we were discussing what poses we should do together…buuuuuuuut it all failed since…I don’t know, it was just not working out for whatever reason… -_- Overall the photoshoot went well, and since I was a character that was uncommon, it gave me more leeway and more attention, I guess? I know that sounds really conceited, but like I said in the Saturday photoshoot and last year…I tend to pick really popular characters… Anyways, the photoshoot turned out alright, still wished I spoke up and requested a pose..but well, anxiety held me back, what else is new?

 
The day went on, and tons of people asked for my photo. LIke…I don’t even remember how many asked..but since my face was half covered…it was all good..ish. ON my way back, I couldn’t help but face palm because the pose I did…was with the wrong friggin hand..ah..anyways..whatever…

 
After, the day just went on, and my friend’s mom picked us up and drove us back. Overall, I do feel like I regretted saying that I regretted coming to the convention for a whole weekend. I have no idea why I was feeling so emotional and stressed…but I’m just glad the rest of the weekend ended up great. Amazing, even. Yeah…

 
Now I’m stressing over this test I have to do for this studio which…I’m not that fond of….but …we’ll see.. Well that wraps up my random weekend posts of Anime North 2017! I will most likely be doing a post on the stuff I got and my cosplay pics…(assuming it all looks alright..)

 
Until then, see ya…

Saturday of Anime North 2017…Things are getting better..

Hey everyone, the previous post was pathetic right? Well…Day 2 of Anime North…was a lot better, I can tell you that. Of course it wasn’t perfect, there were plenty of awkward and embarrassing moments…but overall, it sure did beat Friday.

So, first off, I didn’t sleep that much. I woke up and really spontaneously wanted to go to a particular panel early that day. I texted my friend to ask if he would like to join. He wasn’t sure, but I tried to stay positive and proceeded my day. I went down to the buffet, since it was free breakfast. And since I didn’t eat dinner last night, I was starving as hell. I nervously went down, and saw a lot of people from the convention we re there eating and talking with their friends. I just slipped in grabbed my food and went to a waiter to ask if I could bring it up. Thankfully I could and I booked out there and into the comfort of my lonely room.. -_- Sounds really depressing when I’m typing this…

I ate, and my stomach started to churn which already, physically I felt like crap. I ignored it and quickly got into my 2nd costume, which is a girl character. ( maybe I’ll post pics…but eehh later…) So I kept watching over the time and thought, I’m not going to get to the panel in time. I got everything in order, and I took a look at myself…and I was pleased. I’m glad everything worked out and looked great (especially the “disaster” of a Friday turned out to be) . I took a deep breath because, anxiety..and then headed out the door.

I stood at the stop where I saw the majority of cosplayers were and just waited. A couple of people complimented my sword and my costume which I shyly said thank you. Some even asked to take photos, which I felt a bit better about the day. I was confident in it. Maybe it was because it was a female character and that I was proud of the sword I made, so doing poses wouldn’t look so stupid.. ahaha…

The bus finally came,and I really hoped to get to the panel in time. Eventually it dropped us off and I fast walked to meet my friend. Then it started to rain which sucked. I met up with him and then headed to the panel. We got there and the panel started. But….

It was not the right panel.

I was so confused, though, it was about writing, which I took a few pointers from .. so technically it wasn’t a total waste of time. But I was still stumped as to why the panel I wanted to go to, didn’t happen. So the panel ended and I double checked to see if we were in the right room, and it was. I was so baffled. I asked a helper and apparently, there was a typo in the guide…and pretty much it was in another room altogether… -__- which was a disappointment honestly.

But, I tried to not let it get me down, we proceeded with the day, a lot of people asked for my photo and complimented my sword and outfit. Things felt…nice for a change. If you read my previous post, I was very unhappy and stressed, but today, for once..I actually forgot about all of my problems (not including my social anxiety…) and I actually felt… happy and relaxed.

I spontaneously went to the photoshoot for the series my character was in and that was where it kinda go a bit awkward and embarrassing..but honestly, I really tried to brush it off. It was like what happened last year, where I felt left out, because there were just too many of one particular character, and everyone’s all paired off…which left me just standing looking stupid… uuugh, anyways…

We left a bit early and we headed to the photoshoot my friend wanted to go to. After we did a little mini crappy photoshoot of our own and then headed back inside to buy stuff. I did try to buy some things, because I didn’t buy anything at all at that point. I bought a print and some keychains and a button. I really want to find more things tomorrow (Sunday, as I’m writing this).

Anyways, the day went on and it was quite tiring. I had to carry a lot of things, including my sword, and even when people stopped to ask for a photo, it was a little straining having to put everything down and straighten everything on my body correctly..and then pose and hope to God that I don’t look derpy.

The evening wrapped up when I really decided to head to a 9pm panel for a webcomic that I really enjoy. MY friend tagged along but I felt bad because it wasn’t his cup of tea, and we kinda sat in the room looking like outcasts. I really did want to stay around, but when my friend wanted to leave…I kinda felt like I should too, because I was tired and I was afraid it would get really dark and I wouldn’t make it to the bus stop…..and so we left. Sighs….

So now I’m typing this, I’m back in my room and overall, like I said it was a good day. Better than Friday at least. Still scared of how I’m going to lug all my luggage back to the con…since I decided to cosplay for the Sunday photoshoot of my 1st character. I know it’s hard to not know who I’m being..but I’ll post pics soon…if things work out…

Anyways, I’m exhausted…I’ll write later……..

Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place; they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.

I Left My Internship…

Hey everyone……Yes, as from the title, I left my internship.

It’s actually been 4 days since I left, (my last day was on Jan 30), and I finally have some time to actually write a post about how everything went down. Ok…where the hell to begin…

So, from my previous post, I talked about my first week as an Intern. Well….a whole lot has happened obviously since then. (Also..I’m going to try to make this a brief and to the point as possible… ). During my 2nd week, it honestly felt like it didn’t get any better. I know in my previous post I said it kinda ended off in a good note, but, in all honesty, this whole thing continued to torment me.

There were plenty of things to despise about this place; for example, the ventilation was HORRIBLE. Most of my coworkers smoke, and they tend to smoke kinda half outside and half inside… So, every time I’m at my desk, I would constantly smell smoke. Working conditions were absolute shit… ugh, don’t get me started on the bathrooms too. Since this place is majority male, the floors are fucking nasty (can they not aim??!?!), and not to mention, there was no soap in the bathroom…so I always have to rely on my hand sanitizer…..

Right so those were the wonderful working conditions, let’s talk about the people. My trainer (“J”) was more or less the only person I feel comfortable there. Everyone else, I could really care less because there this one particular guy who is just downright annoying. It’s like he has some social ADHD or something, like he has to talk to someone every bit of the day. Not only that, he tends to be so noisy, he starts making random sounds in his seat like squeaking his chair around, fucking whistling (God knows how much I fucking hate when people whistle) and just blasting his fucking music out loud. And you know, I can’t just go up to him and be like, “Can you shut the fuck up”, because I’m literally the end of the totem pole here. Not only that, I feel already like I’m the joke of the place. Yeah, real good vibes, huh?

I’m known as the super quiet, anti social Asian girl who never gets up from her seat. Yup. And so, weeks go by, and things just keep on surprising me. That annoying guy I was talking about? Yeah, I hear him say things in a really derogatory Chinese accent. Wonderful. I hear some of the guys talk about females, in a very uncomfortable and kinda inappropriate way. Excellent. Oh…and do I smell weed? Yes I do! Some guy brought his vape, whatever the hell you call it to work, and started to smoke behind me and it smelled awfully a lot like weed. FANTASTIC PLACE TO BE AT, AINT IT?

As the weeks go by, I honestly don’t even know why those things just keep surprising me. These “types of people” who work here, are the “types” to do that sort of thing. I would always avoid them in High school and some people even look down on them. And what do you know, I ended up being in place filled with them.

BUT, among all of that….I still tried to tell myself to keep going and try one month at a time. And so, around the middle of January, I requested to talk to J about my progress-ish and also a heads up about where my mind is at. I told him that I may not be here for long, and he thought I would still stick around for more than a month, but I was like hell no. I told him, to not be surprised if I end up cancelling my contract in a month. He asked why of course. I told him very generally, like the commute is a big one – travelling almost 3 hours, ya know… , and I kinda beated around the bush about saying, I don’t fit in there. He kinda looked at me as if he got it, which honestly, I don’t know how else you can not deduce from that. And he just told me his life story about how he felt the same when he was in my position and like ok, ok, BS, I don`t beleive a word he says and how he`s trying to relate to my problems. Long story short, the talk didn’t exactly work 100% the way I imagined. Oh, and I also cried a bit because I’m a fucking emotional train wreck.

Last few things before this post gets too long, another big part of my decision was the fact I felt like I wasn’t really part of anything. I was assigned to do extremely miniscule things. I didn’t feel proud of it at all. Not only that, sometimes I would be in the middle of something, and then J would assign me to do something entirely different! Maybe it’s because I’m going too slow, but the fact that some of my tasks were literally incomplete, I felt like I really can’t put any of that onto my resume. And a really big part of it was that, when I applied, I applied to a specific role. A role that I am specialized in. Apparently the whole month, I was considered a Generalist and I did all sorts of random crap here and there. That was not what I signed up for. And OK, yes it’s always nice to have other things under your belt, but honestly, because I was learning small bits of each things and the fact I kept being put in different tasks, it feels like I’m not getting anything out of it at all. Does that make any sense..? D: (honestly I can’t seem to transfer my thoughts into words right now…) One last note, MAYBE, I felt I was put on small things was probably because they were just starting me off with baby steps..but still, it felt very…insignifacant.

And of course , throughout my time there, I found myself constantly thinking about my projects and the whole idea of self employment. Those thoughts never left me, and I just kept thinking, “Wow, what the hell am I doing here? I really want to work on my projects so badly..” Of course, while I would be thinking that, I would be crying at my desk because what is my life…
And so, the last day came around. I actually meant to tell them a week ahead, but because I was put on more and more random crap to do, I didn’t have time to tell them. So instead my mom suggested to send them an email, which I was against at first because I thought it was unprofessional.. and well, I’d rather tell them straight up in person. But because the time was coming soon, and I didn’t want to have to tell them when things were getting more and more busy, I emailed J. J never responded to my email, so I was left hanging all weekend (hm sounds familiar?) So on Monday, he told me he didn’t know what to say, which is I guess understandable because I do agree it was rather sudden. He told me it was ok and that Monday would be my last day. surprisingly, everyone there seemed to look fine…and alright with it. (Of course, I’m pretty much part of the wall, it makes no difference if I was there or not)

They actually surprised me with a friggin cake for me. I was so shocked and speechless, and just so dumbfounded. I never would have expected they would do something like this for me….and when we all ate cake, I knew I had to say my piece. So I thanked them for everything (even though it was the semi truth..) and that it was a great experience for me- which honestly, even though I was saying how much I hate it, I don’t regret this expeirence at all. I feel like it really taught me what to look for and what to do and not do etc. When I Was talking I got a little emotional, and I didn’t cry, but J had to blurt it out saying, “I told you she’ll cry!”………… Thank god I didn’t cry..but he really just had to rub the fact that I’m a fucking cry baby out loud… hooraay fantastic baby.

Well now that I’m typing this all up now, what’s left is the Reference letter they oh so promised to give me…which, now is 3 days gone, I have yet to see a reference letter in my email inbox…. I feel like that is what’s preventing me from moving on, and all I can think of is, ‘Where the hell is that letter they said they’ll give me…’ And in all honesty, I think they won’t give it to me. One because I’m a major pessimistic, but two, because…I feel like I didn’t do ANY sort of important work there….there should be no reason for a fucking letter… -_- Ugh…but the funny thing is, they kept saying they’ll give me one and the fact my contract says there would be one… And well…where is it? There is none! Whaddyaknow!

Anyways… this is getting long….besides from waiting for the never-gonna-get-sent reference letter, I’ve been trying to work on my own projects and trying to juggle other things like making cosplay stuff and working out…. I just really hope I won’t go back down that negative rut I was in before working there…because 2016 was a very tough year for me… Sighs. I’ll update more on future plans, I already made my 2017 goals, so I’m just gonna hope and pray that I’ll stick to it and …well, hope that this year, something awesome may actually happen.

[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.