[Update] Constant Paranoia with my Younger Sister….

Hey all….wow …this has got to be the longest time since I last updated? Yikes, I apologize…dealing with lots of things, I’ll get into that and just yeah…havent had any motivation to really write up my feelings and updates…

First off, Happy 2018 everyone, it’s incredible and terrifying that another year is gone… Time is a really sensitive thing to me, and to feel another year has passed is just giving me more anxiety for whats to come…

Anyways, I want to quickly address a few things, what I’ve been up to (I hate answering this question) before I jump into the main problem…

So, what’s been happening, well….I’m going to be blunt. I’ve stopped applying for jobs. It’s probably been a good 4 or even 5 months since I stopped, and I don’t know if I talked about this in my previous post , it’s been so damn long, but I’ve said I’d like to go in to the self employment route…qwhich that’s what’s been brewing all this time. I’ve made art accounts for myself to get “my name out there”, so yeah, just been trying to keep up my social media art accounts…and well, it’s taking a while..I knew that from the start, it isn’t going to blow up overnight, I know that..but I do have “mini check-ins” I like to call it, for myself so I can reevaluate how everything is going, what needs to be changed…and if I’m on the right track, etc. that type of things.

Now for the main event…. Well, a lot has been going on with me (mentally…a lot of anxiety rollercoasters, panic attacks and many, many, many crying breakdowns…yeah, great way to start to the new year!) I’ve been trying to get used to my new “plan” in life. I still don’t exactly know where I’m heading, but I just told myself to focus on one thing or smaller things at a time. I think it’s the uncertainty because, after post secondary, one tends to look for a job and well…I’ve spent 3 years trying to do that, and I absolutely hated it…but now that I found somewhat of a new direction…it’s a bit refreshing, but super scary at the same time.

But that’s not even the bulk of this problem. It’s my constant comparison to my younger sister. If you don’t know, I have a younger sister who is 5 years younger, and right now currently she’s in her 2nd year in university….studying to be a nurse..(or something along that line). Here’s where the giant list of comparisons come in. I feel like, I’ve “somewhat failed”, I still have this mindset that, “you only got one shot, and you’re supposed to work that field for the rest of your life other wise you’re fucking doomed”..yea, that’s the mindset I keep having.

My sister didn’t plan on going into nursing, my parents forced her, but… everyone in my extended family praise her and admires her for it. Which in my previous post, everyone talks to her about the same old shit about school. I’m just fucking old news over here, trying to get my shit together and nothing is happening…so, this reputation is starting to show. I’m now the one who doesn’t have anything going for her, whereas my sister is this amazing and admirable to be nurse who helps people….

I fucking hate my life even more.

I’ve always compared myself to people, and now the past I’d say 2 years (ever since she started uni), it has gotten so bad. I would cry almost every night to sleep, crying just hating how everything seems to be going so well for her, and I can’t even get one thing done right. Sometimes it would be so bad that I would cry every night, and even during the day, randomly I would think, and burst into tears and have a fucking breakdown at my desk. I thought changing my career direction would help me distract myself (which, sometimes it does, I”m not going to lie and say it doesn’t) but, most of the time, I can’t stop myself from thinking terrible things in my mind.

So many negative thoughts, so many self doubts and self hate, it just keeps going and going…and well, I just can’t handle it and I find myself talking to my mom, but I can’t control my emotions anymore and I just shout and scream everything that’s going in my mind. No matter how much I try to distract myself, something would always trigger me and send me into a spiralling depression. I can’t stop it anymore. It’s getting to a point it’s impossible, I’m making stupid small things into a big deal.

This whole thing is also related to the whole copying issue with my sister. I’ve said this before, but I have a major copying pet peeve, I hate when someone copies or steals my quirks, ideas etc. I feel like they are taking what makes me unique. And that is what is going with my sister. She has been the one that I;ve always had my eye one, I’m always paranoid that she’s always trying to take whatever she can from me, and use it for herself and become better. I know this sounds ridiculous, and it’s a fucking problem, and it’s ruining my life…it really is. I know it is, but I can’t stop but feel this way.

From my favourite foods, to the genre of songs or shows I watch, to my “healthy lifestyle” (I’ll get into that) to the way I speak…I’m seeing it all show on her. And it’s fucking killing me. I like to eat spicy foods, I see her go for a spicy item and eat it, and say, “It’s not spicy” like she’s fucking proud of it. One time caught her listening to the same type of music as me, that fucking threw me depressed so bad. I stand up a lot, even typing this right now, my laptop is raised so I don’t have to sit…look at that, she puts her laptop up somewhere high too and stands. I started to cut out some extra bread off of a bun or sandwich, I noticed she’s starting to tear off the bread too. I don’t wash my hair often, all of a sudden, she starts to not wash hers as often either (and to add more salt into the wounds, I gifted her dry shampoo for christmas…literally nailed my own coffin). I have some funny comebacks, or clever things to say…I hear her repeating it a few days later…. it fucking never ends.

And there’s more. A whole lot more. I know to others, this is fucking insane and dumb. Which, yeah, I know, I wish I could just brush it off as easily as that. But no…I can’t. It’s becoming to a point where, I don’t even want to let her see what I’m doing. I don’t want to go to her room or see her, because I know, something is going to set me off to a wrong start.

It’s because those quirks and interests, are all that I have now. My life…I odn’t know what my life is anymore, but she has all of her fucking nursing programming to talk about, her volunteer group she does, her huge group of friends to brag and share to everyone…now she’s taking what is making me, me. That is what is killing me. I’m losing myself, everything I have..is now slowly being transferred to her (I know, what am I even saying now, writing a book?)…and I just keep thinking..why should I even be here, if she Me 2.0? BUt better, has a more admirable career choice, has more friends and more exciting things in her life…. Why should old news me..even exist anymore?

So yeah…I’ve been dealing with that…almost every single day. I just experienced another thing a few hours ago, which prompted me to write this…I’m sick and tired of being her shadow, that’s what’s essentially what I’m feeling. The sad, pathetic part is, I’m the older sister, usually, the older sibling would be the one to outshine everyone and do wonderful things…but no….I”m the the old pathetic one living in a younger sibling’s shadow….how fucking pathetic and depressing is that…

I don’t know what to say anymore, it’s just been hard to deal with, I’m crying a lot as I’m typing this…I can’t handle this…sometimes I randomly just thought, I just want something to happen to me.. even something bad, I want something to happen…because, I’m no different from an unused plush toy lying in the corner, old,unloved and forgotten.

 

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Sh*tty Birthday 2.0

Hey all,

It’s not very often I post “frequently” huh? Well, I feel the need to type this up and post it..because it’s just really getting on my nerves.. So I’m just going to just spit it out and hopefully this post will be quick and to the point, because I don’t want to keep dwelling on this any longer.

Well….It’s about my birthday. Today, to be exact (or the 6th, depending on time zones etc.)

So, as from a previous post that’s literally a year ago, I talked about having the worst birthday ever. Long story short, it was about me being upset, disappointed and hurt…because of something extremely stupid. The fact only a very small handful have sent birthday wishes on my timeline…yeah..hella stupid right? Well, I was pretty depressed and upset last year….but..September 2017 rolls around…I got the same anxiety as last year, but the only difference is…I know even fewer people will wish me happy birthday.

And that’s that. I woke up…only my sister wished me on Facebook. Maybe 4 hours or so later, another person did…,and just about now 2 more people have, and that’s it. It’s practically almost 12Am going into the 7th now…a total of 4 people have wished me happy birthday. My aunts and 2 of my cousins have texted a happy birthday wish and also my other friend did too…other than that…na dah.

Yeah. How idiotic to be writing another damn post about this again, right?

And am I upset and hurt? Of course. But am I surprised and feel “blindsided”? No.

Here’s the thing. I was honestly not surprised. Hell, I even expected it. But it did hurt like a motherfucker, especially when Facebook has that damn feature where it announces to everyone on your friends list that, “HEY, IT’S ________ BIRTHDAY! WHY DON’T YOU WISH THEM ONE? EH? WHAT’S THAT? NO? YOU DON’T WANT TO? OK, IT’LL BE CLEAR AS DAY TO THE WORLD THAT THE MAJORITY OF THEIR “FRIEND’S” DON’T GIVE A SHIT!”

(sorry for the major caps…)

But it’s really because of that. I hardly use Facebook, in fact, I never go on it anymore. Even with last year’s post, I said I would delete it…but nope, never gotten around to do it. Why, I really don’t know. I think it has something to do with possibly thinking later-on-the-future-I-would-want-to-contact-them-again BS. You’re probably thinking, why not just take down my birthday so no one gets notified, well…yeah..I learned my lesson now. Because it really makes no fucking difference if I have it there or not.

Also, I don’t know why I even bother to give two shits about it. JUst the day before, I told myself, it doesn’t matter, it’s such a small stupid little thing…it shouldn’t ruin my day. And well, it almost did. I had a small breakdown, I really couldn’t help it, but it just hurts. I push a lot of people away, I suck at keeping in touch with people (hence I literally only have 2 friends..) and not only that, I’m extremely picky with who I want to open myself up to.

Because of all of that, it’s ironic, because why the hell do I expect people who I don’t even talk to anymore, to go out of their way and wish me a generic happy birthday wish? Yeah, it’s baffles me too. It’s totally ironic. I shouldn’t expect them to give a damn about me when on other days of the year, I don’t want them to give a damn about me anyways, so what makes my birthday so special? I think it’s just because I’m afraid of what people think of me.

I’ve always been quiet, an introverted….a loser. And well, Facebook is such a “in your face” platform, the less you are active on there, and the less people interact with you , it’s instantly a giant platform with a big ass arrow that points LOSER to you.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to embrace and think differently instead. I’m trying to cherish the ones that do care, and even if it was a random person that wished me one, I’m grateful for their time to say that to me. I shouldn’t care and worry about what people think of me, or who didn’t say..because in a way, they have all the right to not wish me one. Instead, I want to keep the ones that do, and work on building better relationships with the ones that do care. And to not take people for granted..and defiently not create brooding memories that will haunt me 24/7.

My birthday is nearing the end…I am sure glad it’s coming to a close..but at the same time, I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time worrying and thinking about who will wish me a happy birthday. Because the ones that do, will always have my back, and of course, I will in return have theirs. This is just something I have to realize…and also know that everyone has lives…no one is glued on Facebook forever.

And well, to take off my birthday on my account..or even delete it, and possibly create a new one and just add back the ones that matter to me the most…which…is honestly less than 10..but..thats another problem of mine where I won’t bother sharing…yet.

Anyways… till next time…

 

 

 

 

[Life Update] When You Expect Too Much From Someone…

Hey all……..holy moley, has it been a long time… As always, things have been rough, and finding motivation to post and also a post worthy enough to write is always hard. But today, there has been something that has been boiling under my skin for a bit.

So, I’m going to try to make this back story summary brief, but I can’t recall if I mentioned it here, but 2017 has been a year of “what the hell do I want to do with my life” thoughts. I’ve begun to do a lot more artsy stuff, like, I got back into painting, I definitely got back into drawing and working full gear on my manga again, and even started on buying tons of art supplies and crafts because…well, early this year I had thoughts of wanting to be self-employed. Or should I say, a self employed artist/author-ish.

Yeah.

Humongous jump from the direction where my other posts were going (actually I’m too lazy to look back, so I may have mentioned the whole self-employed plan on here before). It was a thought that kept me thinking over and over again, and I feel like my whole idea for a career, has shifted. Not a whole lot, since this is still in the “creative” aspect, but it is different.

So long story short, I want to try to go through the self-employed route. progress? Nope, na-dah. absolutely nothing. And it’s not like there’s no prominent results…it’s literally…nothing is friggin happening. I have yet to start to put my works out to the world, I have not “seriously” worked on my manga…nothing. And it sucks. I’m so frustrated with myself, because I keep thinking about this “plan” of mine. But I think it all boils down to self-doubt and fear. The fact I feel like I’m not good enough to share my works out to the public, and that I’m afraid of the copying issue and that “what if no one likes my stuff?” It’s an endless cycle of negativity…and I deal with it every single friggin day. I sometimes feel so inspired and want to do it…but when it comes to it…nothign happens. I end up finding excuses to not do it…sometimes it just flies by my mind and I realize the day is ending, and then, oh shit, I didn’t do it, yet again…

This idea or plan has been around ever since I left that internship. In other words….more than half of the fucking year has gone by…and I didn’t do jack shit for myself. I just can’t fathom how much I hate myself right now, I’m just so frustrated with just everything. I’m a friggin failure as a human being…

 

Anyways, and so, that leads to today. I planned an outing with my guy friend, to help review and critique my first draft manga. Now, how I do my manga is definitely not the way to go. The panels were too blocky and ugly, there are still derpy looking pictures, the word bubbles were all over the place and the dialogue is just….meh. Not to mention, there are no backgrounds, sound effects and all that other stuff. What I’m trying to say is…..it’s in it’s rawest of the rawest forms.

So, my friend and I did our outing, we had lunch and did some other things. But then it got down to heading to a library and start reviewing. From the text, he seemed to want to help review, and as a fellow writer, I was glad and relieved to see that he wouldn’t mind looking it over. Not to mention, I did warn him beforehand that it was a total of 160 pages….. Now, we had less than 3 hours (before the library closes) so I knew reading all of that is impossible. So I just hoped that he would get to at least the “turning point” of my story.

Our outing turned out a little different. Usually, I would have no problems hanging out with him; we’re very alike, we like to write, we’re both “nerds”, (both Virgos may I add), relatively like the same stuff..and well, he’s just really easy to talk to. But for some odd reason, this outing was not the same. There were a lot of awkward moments of silence, sometimes I could see that he was uninterested with everything, other times he looked like he wasn’t even listening to me….I had no idea what the hell was going on. So of course, being me, it made me feel really uncomfortable and more reluctant to want to show him. Maybe it was because the previous time we hung out…long story short, it was a mini cosplay convention..and well, he accidentally broke my prop sword….yeah…I don’t know if that was still lingering around and caused a bad vibe…but damn, the outing was just friggin frustrating and different.

Anyways, back to the present, we’re at the library, I took out my manga, and I’m not sure if he forgot…but he looked shocked and kind of reluctant to read all of it. And just by the initial look, I knew he wouldn’t finish all of it, or even close to half. I gave him a small batch and he began to read. Of course, I’m just extremely nervous, I looked away and did my thing. He read it pretty fast, and there were some times he would ask to clarify some things or ask what something said, and I would try to explain it quickly without giving away stuff. Anyways, as the pages went by, I could see he looked more and more less motivated to keep reading. Every batch I would always ask if he would want to keep reading, and there would always be a pause..but he would say, “yeah, just give me another batch”. I could just tell from his voice he was over it, but I gave him the next batch.

After he was done, I gave him an ultimatum, and said, if he could read up to the “turning point” of my story..and immediatly I saw his face just turned to “oh hell no.”, but tried to hide and ask how many pages was left to that part. I told him it was exactly 30 more pages and well…he was not down. At this point, I was just not surprised and was well…hurt and frustrated with how this whole outing which was meant to help review my work…turned into an hour shit show disappointment. So, In total he read about 50 pages out of the 160.

First off, let me say this, I get it..I was not expecting him to read the whole damn thing under 3 hours…but I was really hoping he would make an effort to at least read most of it, or at least look like he would help. Nope. He just had to show such disinterest. He said it wasn’t his cup of tea, I get it, but as a friend to help someone out…couldn’t he do more? Am I expecting too much? Because I would have done the same, I hate disappointing people more than anything. And well, he kind disappointed me. I was so upset that he just didn’t want to keep going. Though, I was the one that called it off since I also don’t like to force people to do stuff…but I was really hoping he would help out more…I don’t know, I think I could be a bit too harsh…but I was not happy.

And of course…I got emotional. I friggin cried…fml. I had to make a stupid little waterworks scene…and I could just see he got more uncomfortable. I literally wanted to disappear. At the moment, I just kept thinking, “what have I done? I wasted my friggin time.” and just endless thoughts of regret. He somewhat tried to comfort me, but I just tried to shake it off and say it wasn’t his fault and that I didn’t know why I was so emotional. I doubt he believed me but whatever…this reviewing session turned out to be the worse case scenario…. And so, I tried to just move on and somewhat explained why I got upset, didn’t say too much in detail, just said I was really hoping that he’d read a bit more…but then the damn tears had to keep coming down so I just cut the conversation short…and tried to move on.

 

So, after the disaster of a critique session, I tried to move past it and hide that I was extremely upset. We headed to the trains to go back home. Once we were seated, we just casually just talked about random things. I had to bring up my concern about my story again, and that conversation led to telling him about my plan to want to be self employed. He didn’t look surprised, but probably was thinking it was going to take a hell of a long time for me…which I already assumed, hence the reason why I haven’t done anything about it.

He wasn’t totally against my plans, he was just stating the realistic side of it, which I get. The conversation about that died down, until an older women randomly came up to us..well me, in particular. I thought she was going to scold me for pressing my feet into the cushions, but to my surprise, she actually heard my conversation.

She said, “that I should go for it”, and that “I should do what I want to do. And that life is too short, and to not care what other think.” I was so stunned at first, Was I really talking that loud? and two,…someone seemed to care. I was speechless, no one ever came up to me and tried to motivate me. I smiled and said thank yu for her advice and motivation, and she added that, “Go and follow your dreams, and that she wished she had done it.” And then, she went back to her seat.

I was mesmerized, (I really wanted to ask her what she’d want to do, but then you know, social anxiety started to kick me in the ass again.) , and I couldn’t help but feel my eyes watering up again. I’m just super emotional today…uugh, but this time it was, happy tears. Or at least, definitely not sad ones. I know it sounds really dumb, but it was almost like, I needed to hear that from someone or anyone for that matter. hearing her say those motivating things..really makes me want to go for it and not be afraid..and to just DO IT! Life is too short, I know that, friggin 2017 went by like it was nothing.

After, the woman had to leave for her stop, and before she left, she came up to me again, and said “to keep on working on it” and “to not give up my book” (Well, she probably heard the little bit about me saying I want to write but it’s actually a manga…aha..ah….) And then she left.

It was weird, I had doubts about my story, especially after the horrible review I had with my friend…but after hearing what she said, it really made me cherish all the hard work I did to make it, despite it not appeal to someone else. In some ways, this outing was not a complete waste…because, if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have heard what that woman said.

And the thing is, I want to do it all the more. I’m feeling more motivated..and even more confident. Almost like, I don’t want what she told me go to waste, if that makes sense. I really do hope I strive for it..because that’s all I’ve been thinking. I really can’t stand to want to work a 9-5 job like everyone else..it just doesn’t suit me or my anxiety… so why not go for something that will make me happy? Happiness is all I ever want…I don’t plan to be a millionaire…I just want to live happily while working on things I’m passionate about.

So that wraps up the day…it was quite a long one..but I can’t say it was for nothing. I feel like, as cheesy as it sounds, it was meant to be that I came across the kind woman. I really hope I do it and pursue what I want to..because this currently the only thing I go going…. I’ll keep you guys posted..to whoever the heck reads my gibberish…. I hope I’ll update with “good” news about my progress..and well… hope that everything all works out…

Sunday Wrap Up at Anime North 2017…

Hello everyone, this is the last day of Anime North. As I’m actually typing this at 2am ( on Sunday, dunno when I’ll post this..) ..I’m exhausted and sunburned, I should be in bed but I got distracted and now I’m typing this because if I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll forget it and not write anything down.

 
So Sunday came along, i was really hoping the weather would not rain…and fortunately, it stayed sunny all day which was amazing. I also took my luggage into my hotel’s storage (for free too!) so that I could enjoy the last day of the convention..baggage free, literally.
I was hoping to get into one of the photoshoots on Sunday and give my Friday character another go (since I was ridiculously depressed af on Friday), but didn’t want to dress up, since I still get major anxiety of people giving me strange looks outside of a con. And so I just did my makeup and wore “half” of my character’s outfit. Good thing about his outfit is pretty “normal”, but I ended up looking super emo and edgy…which..I guess I don’t mind since I like that kind of look haha

 
I checked out of the hotel and headed out. Just as I went out, I saw the damn shuttle bus leave. I was pissed, but then I tried to keep it cool and debated if I Should walk it. Then a girl came over to me and asked if I knew when the bus was coming, and I told her it just left. We were both frustrated and then she decided to call an uber, and asked i I wanted to come along. I agreed and we both got in and got there in less than 10 minutes!

 

We actually had a nice conversation (at least to me it was…) and we talked about childhood weeeb like memories and we actually had a lot in common. She was very nice and in a way, I’m glad we somehow ran into each other. Everything just worked out. We parted ways and honestly, meeting her really lifted my spirits and made me look forward to the day even more. I eventually met up with my friend, who was also with another friend, who was a college classmate of mine too. We all hung out and I wanted to go to the artist alley to buy more crap.

 

So we did, and I felt bad since the 2 guys were just following me around, so I told them we could split and then meet up before the photoshoot. They agreed and I went ahead, and shopped guilt free. Not sure if I mentioned in the Saturday post, but I went to this booth who had a these very nice prints, but they told me the one I wanted was sold out. They told me if I came back on Sunday, I could get it.

 
And so, Sunday, I looked around for that booth, as that was my first priority. Finally found them, and there was a huge crowd already. I waited and then the girl in front of me asked for the print I was looking for. I overheard them say, they were sold out………. my heart just dropped. The girl left and I went up to them and asked if it was really sold out, and they said yes. But then she looked at me, and asked if I was the girl from Saturday. I nodded and then she said she saved a copy for me…. you don’t even know how happy I got. I know..it’s just a print..chill brah

 
I kept saying thank you to her and I paid and asked if she was one of the characters in the series I was cosplaying. She shook her head and I told her she looked like that character…and well, OK I suck at making a conversation, so anyways I thanked them again and left. Went around, tried to find more things…and then and idea popped in my head. I thought of a last minute accessory for my cosplay. And so I hunted down a random black face mask and luckily found a spandexy like black skull mask and I just bought it since… I think it would add a lot to the character. LIke I said, I probably will post pics….later…

 
Met up with my friend, and then I rushed to a washroom to quickly change since the photshoot was in a hour. I changed and with the mask on….I honestly felt…..awesome. (The character has a mask, but he takes it off halfway into the game). Maybe it’s the fact no one can see my face, and I Like the look of this punkish, emo edgy look…it just made me feel confident in that character. So we all went to the photoshoot and at first, I thought I was the only one as that character.

 

BUt…another one showed up, but she was nice and we were discussing what poses we should do together…buuuuuuuut it all failed since…I don’t know, it was just not working out for whatever reason… -_- Overall the photoshoot went well, and since I was a character that was uncommon, it gave me more leeway and more attention, I guess? I know that sounds really conceited, but like I said in the Saturday photoshoot and last year…I tend to pick really popular characters… Anyways, the photoshoot turned out alright, still wished I spoke up and requested a pose..but well, anxiety held me back, what else is new?

 
The day went on, and tons of people asked for my photo. LIke…I don’t even remember how many asked..but since my face was half covered…it was all good..ish. ON my way back, I couldn’t help but face palm because the pose I did…was with the wrong friggin hand..ah..anyways..whatever…

 
After, the day just went on, and my friend’s mom picked us up and drove us back. Overall, I do feel like I regretted saying that I regretted coming to the convention for a whole weekend. I have no idea why I was feeling so emotional and stressed…but I’m just glad the rest of the weekend ended up great. Amazing, even. Yeah…

 
Now I’m stressing over this test I have to do for this studio which…I’m not that fond of….but …we’ll see.. Well that wraps up my random weekend posts of Anime North 2017! I will most likely be doing a post on the stuff I got and my cosplay pics…(assuming it all looks alright..)

 
Until then, see ya…

Saturday of Anime North 2017…Things are getting better..

Hey everyone, the previous post was pathetic right? Well…Day 2 of Anime North…was a lot better, I can tell you that. Of course it wasn’t perfect, there were plenty of awkward and embarrassing moments…but overall, it sure did beat Friday.

So, first off, I didn’t sleep that much. I woke up and really spontaneously wanted to go to a particular panel early that day. I texted my friend to ask if he would like to join. He wasn’t sure, but I tried to stay positive and proceeded my day. I went down to the buffet, since it was free breakfast. And since I didn’t eat dinner last night, I was starving as hell. I nervously went down, and saw a lot of people from the convention we re there eating and talking with their friends. I just slipped in grabbed my food and went to a waiter to ask if I could bring it up. Thankfully I could and I booked out there and into the comfort of my lonely room.. -_- Sounds really depressing when I’m typing this…

I ate, and my stomach started to churn which already, physically I felt like crap. I ignored it and quickly got into my 2nd costume, which is a girl character. ( maybe I’ll post pics…but eehh later…) So I kept watching over the time and thought, I’m not going to get to the panel in time. I got everything in order, and I took a look at myself…and I was pleased. I’m glad everything worked out and looked great (especially the “disaster” of a Friday turned out to be) . I took a deep breath because, anxiety..and then headed out the door.

I stood at the stop where I saw the majority of cosplayers were and just waited. A couple of people complimented my sword and my costume which I shyly said thank you. Some even asked to take photos, which I felt a bit better about the day. I was confident in it. Maybe it was because it was a female character and that I was proud of the sword I made, so doing poses wouldn’t look so stupid.. ahaha…

The bus finally came,and I really hoped to get to the panel in time. Eventually it dropped us off and I fast walked to meet my friend. Then it started to rain which sucked. I met up with him and then headed to the panel. We got there and the panel started. But….

It was not the right panel.

I was so confused, though, it was about writing, which I took a few pointers from .. so technically it wasn’t a total waste of time. But I was still stumped as to why the panel I wanted to go to, didn’t happen. So the panel ended and I double checked to see if we were in the right room, and it was. I was so baffled. I asked a helper and apparently, there was a typo in the guide…and pretty much it was in another room altogether… -__- which was a disappointment honestly.

But, I tried to not let it get me down, we proceeded with the day, a lot of people asked for my photo and complimented my sword and outfit. Things felt…nice for a change. If you read my previous post, I was very unhappy and stressed, but today, for once..I actually forgot about all of my problems (not including my social anxiety…) and I actually felt… happy and relaxed.

I spontaneously went to the photoshoot for the series my character was in and that was where it kinda go a bit awkward and embarrassing..but honestly, I really tried to brush it off. It was like what happened last year, where I felt left out, because there were just too many of one particular character, and everyone’s all paired off…which left me just standing looking stupid… uuugh, anyways…

We left a bit early and we headed to the photoshoot my friend wanted to go to. After we did a little mini crappy photoshoot of our own and then headed back inside to buy stuff. I did try to buy some things, because I didn’t buy anything at all at that point. I bought a print and some keychains and a button. I really want to find more things tomorrow (Sunday, as I’m writing this).

Anyways, the day went on and it was quite tiring. I had to carry a lot of things, including my sword, and even when people stopped to ask for a photo, it was a little straining having to put everything down and straighten everything on my body correctly..and then pose and hope to God that I don’t look derpy.

The evening wrapped up when I really decided to head to a 9pm panel for a webcomic that I really enjoy. MY friend tagged along but I felt bad because it wasn’t his cup of tea, and we kinda sat in the room looking like outcasts. I really did want to stay around, but when my friend wanted to leave…I kinda felt like I should too, because I was tired and I was afraid it would get really dark and I wouldn’t make it to the bus stop…..and so we left. Sighs….

So now I’m typing this, I’m back in my room and overall, like I said it was a good day. Better than Friday at least. Still scared of how I’m going to lug all my luggage back to the con…since I decided to cosplay for the Sunday photoshoot of my 1st character. I know it’s hard to not know who I’m being..but I’ll post pics soon…if things work out…

Anyways, I’m exhausted…I’ll write later……..

Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place; they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.

I Left My Internship…

Hey everyone……Yes, as from the title, I left my internship.

It’s actually been 4 days since I left, (my last day was on Jan 30), and I finally have some time to actually write a post about how everything went down. Ok…where the hell to begin…

So, from my previous post, I talked about my first week as an Intern. Well….a whole lot has happened obviously since then. (Also..I’m going to try to make this a brief and to the point as possible… ). During my 2nd week, it honestly felt like it didn’t get any better. I know in my previous post I said it kinda ended off in a good note, but, in all honesty, this whole thing continued to torment me.

There were plenty of things to despise about this place; for example, the ventilation was HORRIBLE. Most of my coworkers smoke, and they tend to smoke kinda half outside and half inside… So, every time I’m at my desk, I would constantly smell smoke. Working conditions were absolute shit… ugh, don’t get me started on the bathrooms too. Since this place is majority male, the floors are fucking nasty (can they not aim??!?!), and not to mention, there was no soap in the bathroom…so I always have to rely on my hand sanitizer…..

Right so those were the wonderful working conditions, let’s talk about the people. My trainer (“J”) was more or less the only person I feel comfortable there. Everyone else, I could really care less because there this one particular guy who is just downright annoying. It’s like he has some social ADHD or something, like he has to talk to someone every bit of the day. Not only that, he tends to be so noisy, he starts making random sounds in his seat like squeaking his chair around, fucking whistling (God knows how much I fucking hate when people whistle) and just blasting his fucking music out loud. And you know, I can’t just go up to him and be like, “Can you shut the fuck up”, because I’m literally the end of the totem pole here. Not only that, I feel already like I’m the joke of the place. Yeah, real good vibes, huh?

I’m known as the super quiet, anti social Asian girl who never gets up from her seat. Yup. And so, weeks go by, and things just keep on surprising me. That annoying guy I was talking about? Yeah, I hear him say things in a really derogatory Chinese accent. Wonderful. I hear some of the guys talk about females, in a very uncomfortable and kinda inappropriate way. Excellent. Oh…and do I smell weed? Yes I do! Some guy brought his vape, whatever the hell you call it to work, and started to smoke behind me and it smelled awfully a lot like weed. FANTASTIC PLACE TO BE AT, AINT IT?

As the weeks go by, I honestly don’t even know why those things just keep surprising me. These “types of people” who work here, are the “types” to do that sort of thing. I would always avoid them in High school and some people even look down on them. And what do you know, I ended up being in place filled with them.

BUT, among all of that….I still tried to tell myself to keep going and try one month at a time. And so, around the middle of January, I requested to talk to J about my progress-ish and also a heads up about where my mind is at. I told him that I may not be here for long, and he thought I would still stick around for more than a month, but I was like hell no. I told him, to not be surprised if I end up cancelling my contract in a month. He asked why of course. I told him very generally, like the commute is a big one – travelling almost 3 hours, ya know… , and I kinda beated around the bush about saying, I don’t fit in there. He kinda looked at me as if he got it, which honestly, I don’t know how else you can not deduce from that. And he just told me his life story about how he felt the same when he was in my position and like ok, ok, BS, I don`t beleive a word he says and how he`s trying to relate to my problems. Long story short, the talk didn’t exactly work 100% the way I imagined. Oh, and I also cried a bit because I’m a fucking emotional train wreck.

Last few things before this post gets too long, another big part of my decision was the fact I felt like I wasn’t really part of anything. I was assigned to do extremely miniscule things. I didn’t feel proud of it at all. Not only that, sometimes I would be in the middle of something, and then J would assign me to do something entirely different! Maybe it’s because I’m going too slow, but the fact that some of my tasks were literally incomplete, I felt like I really can’t put any of that onto my resume. And a really big part of it was that, when I applied, I applied to a specific role. A role that I am specialized in. Apparently the whole month, I was considered a Generalist and I did all sorts of random crap here and there. That was not what I signed up for. And OK, yes it’s always nice to have other things under your belt, but honestly, because I was learning small bits of each things and the fact I kept being put in different tasks, it feels like I’m not getting anything out of it at all. Does that make any sense..? D: (honestly I can’t seem to transfer my thoughts into words right now…) One last note, MAYBE, I felt I was put on small things was probably because they were just starting me off with baby steps..but still, it felt very…insignifacant.

And of course , throughout my time there, I found myself constantly thinking about my projects and the whole idea of self employment. Those thoughts never left me, and I just kept thinking, “Wow, what the hell am I doing here? I really want to work on my projects so badly..” Of course, while I would be thinking that, I would be crying at my desk because what is my life…
And so, the last day came around. I actually meant to tell them a week ahead, but because I was put on more and more random crap to do, I didn’t have time to tell them. So instead my mom suggested to send them an email, which I was against at first because I thought it was unprofessional.. and well, I’d rather tell them straight up in person. But because the time was coming soon, and I didn’t want to have to tell them when things were getting more and more busy, I emailed J. J never responded to my email, so I was left hanging all weekend (hm sounds familiar?) So on Monday, he told me he didn’t know what to say, which is I guess understandable because I do agree it was rather sudden. He told me it was ok and that Monday would be my last day. surprisingly, everyone there seemed to look fine…and alright with it. (Of course, I’m pretty much part of the wall, it makes no difference if I was there or not)

They actually surprised me with a friggin cake for me. I was so shocked and speechless, and just so dumbfounded. I never would have expected they would do something like this for me….and when we all ate cake, I knew I had to say my piece. So I thanked them for everything (even though it was the semi truth..) and that it was a great experience for me- which honestly, even though I was saying how much I hate it, I don’t regret this expeirence at all. I feel like it really taught me what to look for and what to do and not do etc. When I Was talking I got a little emotional, and I didn’t cry, but J had to blurt it out saying, “I told you she’ll cry!”………… Thank god I didn’t cry..but he really just had to rub the fact that I’m a fucking cry baby out loud… hooraay fantastic baby.

Well now that I’m typing this all up now, what’s left is the Reference letter they oh so promised to give me…which, now is 3 days gone, I have yet to see a reference letter in my email inbox…. I feel like that is what’s preventing me from moving on, and all I can think of is, ‘Where the hell is that letter they said they’ll give me…’ And in all honesty, I think they won’t give it to me. One because I’m a major pessimistic, but two, because…I feel like I didn’t do ANY sort of important work there….there should be no reason for a fucking letter… -_- Ugh…but the funny thing is, they kept saying they’ll give me one and the fact my contract says there would be one… And well…where is it? There is none! Whaddyaknow!

Anyways… this is getting long….besides from waiting for the never-gonna-get-sent reference letter, I’ve been trying to work on my own projects and trying to juggle other things like making cosplay stuff and working out…. I just really hope I won’t go back down that negative rut I was in before working there…because 2016 was a very tough year for me… Sighs. I’ll update more on future plans, I already made my 2017 goals, so I’m just gonna hope and pray that I’ll stick to it and …well, hope that this year, something awesome may actually happen.