First day of Anime North….not a good start….

Hey all, it’s been a while.. of course it is, I always start off like that.. Well, from the title, you can tell what this post is about. I’m actually currently in a hotel right now (by myself may I add) and typing this..because…I feel like everything is falling apart.

Ok, first off, mentally wise I had a pretty rough week. I was struggling to get my 2 cosplays done and trying to juggle my own random projects and hobbies, but also this week was also the week I had a spontaneous family gathering…and you know how much I love those gatherings! (that was sarcasm….) The famliy party really flew me into a downwards spiral- I came back upset and angry, not going to go into details about it, but I dread them all the time and it just made my whole week crappy.

So going back a few days now, my mental health got worse. I felt like I had constant crying sessions because of stupid things. I would get triggered really easily, I would cry and my heart would just race faster and then I panic…it was an endless cycle of constant negativity. Most of the time, I had absolutely no reason why I felt that way. I should be excited that it was less than a week away from this Anime convention…but for some reason, everything felt like it was crashing down on me.

Also, since my life is just all perfectly timed, I got an email the other day saying a studio wanted me to do a test for them…that’s another thing to worry about now because I really hoped that I could just relax and get back to doing my own projects and stuff……

Now, present day of the convention, I had a really bad morning. I slept better, but not enough. I still had lots to prep for the big day, one being that I had to draw a tattoo on my right arm. I’m right-handed so it felt impossible so I asked my sister to help me. She couldn’t get the tattoo on right, which left me panicking. My parents all left for the car because it was time to go, and I had to lug all of my heavy bags by myself to the car and that was when the water works came. I just got so frustrated an cried…. again, but in front of my parents. My dad gave a strange look and eventually we all managed to get it all in the car. But all that just left my mind in a very bad state and I just couldn’t seem to get back up.

So my friend’s mom was supposed to drive us, but then 2 other passengers came in, which made the car ride packed and uncomfortable. we eventually got to my hotel, and by the way, if I didn’t make it clear enough above…I booked a hotel room….by myself. I”m alone. Social anxiety ftw, am I right? (more sarcasm there…) So I struggled my way up to my room and it was finally nice and quiet. At frist it felt good…but then it all went downhill from there.. (At least to me, it went downhill)

I went ahead and started to do my tattoo. It was a friggin struggle but at that point, I really didn’t care, everything kept going wrong…what could be worse? Oh yeah…the rest of the day. So I did a half assed job with the tattoo, I mean, because it was all on my left hand, I should pat myself on the back…but stilll, it’s terrible. I did my makeup decently and got into my costume. Put on my wig, adjusted it a bit…and for a split second, things felt like it was going ok. WRONG.

apparently my friend’s phone’s service was whack, I wasn’t able to contact him properly. So I was trying to constantly text him so that we could be at the con together at the same time (his hotel was like a 10 minute walk, so he was very close. Mine was a 40 min walk..but there a shuttle bus) And speaking of shuttle bus, that’s another big disappointment. I eventually got out of my room and felt myself getting anxious because 1. I’m dressed up as a character (If I feel like it, I MAY put pics…) and 2. Um…social anxiety, duh.

I walked out and noticed a bunch of people also standing there, at first I was glad because I’m not the only one..but then, it dawned to me that there were all in there groups of friends…and then there was me…standing by myself awkwardly. I can’t even tell you how many times I cursed and regretted at this point. The shuttle bus did not even come and I had to wait almost and hour for it. apparently I heard someone was waiting there 1 1/2 hours there…wtf!?! And oh, this weekend called for pretty bad rain showers and thunderstorms, what a cherry on top! After an hour, the bus finally showed up and I got to the con.

Seeing everyone in there cosplays kinda made me feel better…but then the anxiety kicked in again when I had to walk by myself to the registration line. I kept feeling paranoid and anxious that my wig cap was showing, or that my eyeliner was smudging and all sorts of other crap. I kept looking down and not make eye contact with anyone because….anxiety. I don’t know how much I can stress this enough…

I had to ask 3 different people where the place is because I had no glasses and cannot wear contacts so I’m blind. Eventually got to the line and it was a easy pick up. I tried to text my friend again and again, his response took long due to the service. He also said that they had to change rooms because it was the wrong one…so pretty much I was there by myself….alone….stadning in a corner awkwardly. FUCK EVERYTHING. I really wanted to cry and just go back home to be honest. I look around, everyone was having fun with their groups of friends..I sat in the corner, pretending to touch up my makeup.

A passerby did notice me and said, they liked my costume which made me a wee but happier. But other than that…I was a wallflower..waiting for my friend to show up. And he did…like almost and hour later to be honest, and already the day was 3/4 gone. BY the time we met up, it was almost 7pm. Yeah…

And so the day went on, and it was just different to be honest. I don’t know if it was because I had a rough morning, or rough week rather, but everything just felt like shit for me. I wanted to go to the convention excited and happy to wear my cosplay and show my liking to the character…but I could not feel happy. I was not happy at all. Maybe it was all of the high expectations I had… if you read my 2016 Anime north post, you can see I had a mediocre experience… And so I really wanted to redeem myself, if that makes sense.

And so the evening progressed, another person complimented my cosplay and said it was awesome, which I appreciated. Another person actually asked for a friggin photo…which I awkwardly panicked because i Had no idea what to pose. UGH…that memory is stored with other cringy memeories….fml..

With all that’s been happening, I just could not feel good about it at all… And so the day went on, my friend said his friends were ordering pizza and asked if I wanted to come..but then that would mean I had to stay there and get a crappy shuttle bus late at night…. So I said no…and I left. I did not have dinner…I’m not hungry to be honest, despite only eating a big breakfast today…. When I got back, I felt so relieved and tears just poured down. MY makeup was smudged long ago, my face was gross…. I just wanted this all to end.

I know to an outsiders point of view, this may sound utterly ridiculous. I’m sure when I reads this again months later I would feel the same. But I’ve been looking forward to his event ever since last year ended. I wanted to make my experience better…and yet… Friday felt like shit to me. I felt like shit. LIke I said I was not happy. I could not feel happy…and I think it showed. I wasn’t able to do what I wanted to do..which was have fun and talk to others who share the same interests as me. I know … a person with social anxiety with aspirations like that is ironic, huh?

And now I’m here..in my hotel room alone, tired, frustrated and sad. Saturday I’m planning to be my 2nd character…and I do feel a bit more confident since it’s going to be a girl. Friday’s was a crossplay btw… Like I said I may post pics…I don’t know. I’m sure this is all stupid to read and I’m sorry you had to read such a dumb post (if anyone does read this..). I’m going to head to bed now..and hope that the rest of the weekend will get better from here. Because right now…all I’m thinking is that I made the wrong decision and I regret wasting my money….yeah….

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[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.