[Update] Constant Paranoia with my Younger Sister….

Hey all….wow …this has got to be the longest time since I last updated? Yikes, I apologize…dealing with lots of things, I’ll get into that and just yeah…havent had any motivation to really write up my feelings and updates…

First off, Happy 2018 everyone, it’s incredible and terrifying that another year is gone… Time is a really sensitive thing to me, and to feel another year has passed is just giving me more anxiety for whats to come…

Anyways, I want to quickly address a few things, what I’ve been up to (I hate answering this question) before I jump into the main problem…

So, what’s been happening, well….I’m going to be blunt. I’ve stopped applying for jobs. It’s probably been a good 4 or even 5 months since I stopped, and I don’t know if I talked about this in my previous post , it’s been so damn long, but I’ve said I’d like to go in to the self employment route…qwhich that’s what’s been brewing all this time. I’ve made art accounts for myself to get “my name out there”, so yeah, just been trying to keep up my social media art accounts…and well, it’s taking a while..I knew that from the start, it isn’t going to blow up overnight, I know that..but I do have “mini check-ins” I like to call it, for myself so I can reevaluate how everything is going, what needs to be changed…and if I’m on the right track, etc. that type of things.

Now for the main event…. Well, a lot has been going on with me (mentally…a lot of anxiety rollercoasters, panic attacks and many, many, many crying breakdowns…yeah, great way to start to the new year!) I’ve been trying to get used to my new “plan” in life. I still don’t exactly know where I’m heading, but I just told myself to focus on one thing or smaller things at a time. I think it’s the uncertainty because, after post secondary, one tends to look for a job and well…I’ve spent 3 years trying to do that, and I absolutely hated it…but now that I found somewhat of a new direction…it’s a bit refreshing, but super scary at the same time.

But that’s not even the bulk of this problem. It’s my constant comparison to my younger sister. If you don’t know, I have a younger sister who is 5 years younger, and right now currently she’s in her 2nd year in university….studying to be a nurse..(or something along that line). Here’s where the giant list of comparisons come in. I feel like, I’ve “somewhat failed”, I still have this mindset that, “you only got one shot, and you’re supposed to work that field for the rest of your life other wise you’re fucking doomed”..yea, that’s the mindset I keep having.

My sister didn’t plan on going into nursing, my parents forced her, but… everyone in my extended family praise her and admires her for it. Which in my previous post, everyone talks to her about the same old shit about school. I’m just fucking old news over here, trying to get my shit together and nothing is happening…so, this reputation is starting to show. I’m now the one who doesn’t have anything going for her, whereas my sister is this amazing and admirable to be nurse who helps people….

I fucking hate my life even more.

I’ve always compared myself to people, and now the past I’d say 2 years (ever since she started uni), it has gotten so bad. I would cry almost every night to sleep, crying just hating how everything seems to be going so well for her, and I can’t even get one thing done right. Sometimes it would be so bad that I would cry every night, and even during the day, randomly I would think, and burst into tears and have a fucking breakdown at my desk. I thought changing my career direction would help me distract myself (which, sometimes it does, I”m not going to lie and say it doesn’t) but, most of the time, I can’t stop myself from thinking terrible things in my mind.

So many negative thoughts, so many self doubts and self hate, it just keeps going and going…and well, I just can’t handle it and I find myself talking to my mom, but I can’t control my emotions anymore and I just shout and scream everything that’s going in my mind. No matter how much I try to distract myself, something would always trigger me and send me into a spiralling depression. I can’t stop it anymore. It’s getting to a point it’s impossible, I’m making stupid small things into a big deal.

This whole thing is also related to the whole copying issue with my sister. I’ve said this before, but I have a major copying pet peeve, I hate when someone copies or steals my quirks, ideas etc. I feel like they are taking what makes me unique. And that is what is going with my sister. She has been the one that I;ve always had my eye one, I’m always paranoid that she’s always trying to take whatever she can from me, and use it for herself and become better. I know this sounds ridiculous, and it’s a fucking problem, and it’s ruining my life…it really is. I know it is, but I can’t stop but feel this way.

From my favourite foods, to the genre of songs or shows I watch, to my “healthy lifestyle” (I’ll get into that) to the way I speak…I’m seeing it all show on her. And it’s fucking killing me. I like to eat spicy foods, I see her go for a spicy item and eat it, and say, “It’s not spicy” like she’s fucking proud of it. One time caught her listening to the same type of music as me, that fucking threw me depressed so bad. I stand up a lot, even typing this right now, my laptop is raised so I don’t have to sit…look at that, she puts her laptop up somewhere high too and stands. I started to cut out some extra bread off of a bun or sandwich, I noticed she’s starting to tear off the bread too. I don’t wash my hair often, all of a sudden, she starts to not wash hers as often either (and to add more salt into the wounds, I gifted her dry shampoo for christmas…literally nailed my own coffin). I have some funny comebacks, or clever things to say…I hear her repeating it a few days later…. it fucking never ends.

And there’s more. A whole lot more. I know to others, this is fucking insane and dumb. Which, yeah, I know, I wish I could just brush it off as easily as that. But no…I can’t. It’s becoming to a point where, I don’t even want to let her see what I’m doing. I don’t want to go to her room or see her, because I know, something is going to set me off to a wrong start.

It’s because those quirks and interests, are all that I have now. My life…I odn’t know what my life is anymore, but she has all of her fucking nursing programming to talk about, her volunteer group she does, her huge group of friends to brag and share to everyone…now she’s taking what is making me, me. That is what is killing me. I’m losing myself, everything I have..is now slowly being transferred to her (I know, what am I even saying now, writing a book?)…and I just keep thinking..why should I even be here, if she Me 2.0? BUt better, has a more admirable career choice, has more friends and more exciting things in her life…. Why should old news me..even exist anymore?

So yeah…I’ve been dealing with that…almost every single day. I just experienced another thing a few hours ago, which prompted me to write this…I’m sick and tired of being her shadow, that’s what’s essentially what I’m feeling. The sad, pathetic part is, I’m the older sister, usually, the older sibling would be the one to outshine everyone and do wonderful things…but no….I”m the the old pathetic one living in a younger sibling’s shadow….how fucking pathetic and depressing is that…

I don’t know what to say anymore, it’s just been hard to deal with, I’m crying a lot as I’m typing this…I can’t handle this…sometimes I randomly just thought, I just want something to happen to me.. even something bad, I want something to happen…because, I’m no different from an unused plush toy lying in the corner, old,unloved and forgotten.

 

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So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.