Sh*tty Birthday 2.0

Hey all,

It’s not very often I post “frequently” huh? Well, I feel the need to type this up and post it..because it’s just really getting on my nerves.. So I’m just going to just spit it out and hopefully this post will be quick and to the point, because I don’t want to keep dwelling on this any longer.

Well….It’s about my birthday. Today, to be exact (or the 6th, depending on time zones etc.)

So, as from a previous post that’s literally a year ago, I talked about having the worst birthday ever. Long story short, it was about me being upset, disappointed and hurt…because of something extremely stupid. The fact only a very small handful have sent birthday wishes on my timeline…yeah..hella stupid right? Well, I was pretty depressed and upset last year….but..September 2017 rolls around…I got the same anxiety as last year, but the only difference is…I know even fewer people will wish me happy birthday.

And that’s that. I woke up…only my sister wished me on Facebook. Maybe 4 hours or so later, another person did…,and just about now 2 more people have, and that’s it. It’s practically almost 12Am going into the 7th now…a total of 4 people have wished me happy birthday. My aunts and 2 of my cousins have texted a happy birthday wish and also my other friend did too…other than that…na dah.

Yeah. How idiotic to be writing another damn post about this again, right?

And am I upset and hurt? Of course. But am I surprised and feel “blindsided”? No.

Here’s the thing. I was honestly not surprised. Hell, I even expected it. But it did hurt like a motherfucker, especially when Facebook has that damn feature where it announces to everyone on your friends list that, “HEY, IT’S ________ BIRTHDAY! WHY DON’T YOU WISH THEM ONE? EH? WHAT’S THAT? NO? YOU DON’T WANT TO? OK, IT’LL BE CLEAR AS DAY TO THE WORLD THAT THE MAJORITY OF THEIR “FRIEND’S” DON’T GIVE A SHIT!”

(sorry for the major caps…)

But it’s really because of that. I hardly use Facebook, in fact, I never go on it anymore. Even with last year’s post, I said I would delete it…but nope, never gotten around to do it. Why, I really don’t know. I think it has something to do with possibly thinking later-on-the-future-I-would-want-to-contact-them-again BS. You’re probably thinking, why not just take down my birthday so no one gets notified, well…yeah..I learned my lesson now. Because it really makes no fucking difference if I have it there or not.

Also, I don’t know why I even bother to give two shits about it. JUst the day before, I told myself, it doesn’t matter, it’s such a small stupid little thing…it shouldn’t ruin my day. And well, it almost did. I had a small breakdown, I really couldn’t help it, but it just hurts. I push a lot of people away, I suck at keeping in touch with people (hence I literally only have 2 friends..) and not only that, I’m extremely picky with who I want to open myself up to.

Because of all of that, it’s ironic, because why the hell do I expect people who I don’t even talk to anymore, to go out of their way and wish me a generic happy birthday wish? Yeah, it’s baffles me too. It’s totally ironic. I shouldn’t expect them to give a damn about me when on other days of the year, I don’t want them to give a damn about me anyways, so what makes my birthday so special? I think it’s just because I’m afraid of what people think of me.

I’ve always been quiet, an introverted….a loser. And well, Facebook is such a “in your face” platform, the less you are active on there, and the less people interact with you , it’s instantly a giant platform with a big ass arrow that points LOSER to you.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to embrace and think differently instead. I’m trying to cherish the ones that do care, and even if it was a random person that wished me one, I’m grateful for their time to say that to me. I shouldn’t care and worry about what people think of me, or who didn’t say..because in a way, they have all the right to not wish me one. Instead, I want to keep the ones that do, and work on building better relationships with the ones that do care. And to not take people for granted..and defiently not create brooding memories that will haunt me 24/7.

My birthday is nearing the end…I am sure glad it’s coming to a close..but at the same time, I really wish I hadn’t wasted my time worrying and thinking about who will wish me a happy birthday. Because the ones that do, will always have my back, and of course, I will in return have theirs. This is just something I have to realize…and also know that everyone has lives…no one is glued on Facebook forever.

And well, to take off my birthday on my account..or even delete it, and possibly create a new one and just add back the ones that matter to me the most…which…is honestly less than 10..but..thats another problem of mine where I won’t bother sharing…yet.

Anyways… till next time…

 

 

 

 

[Life Update] When You Expect Too Much From Someone…

Hey all……..holy moley, has it been a long time… As always, things have been rough, and finding motivation to post and also a post worthy enough to write is always hard. But today, there has been something that has been boiling under my skin for a bit.

So, I’m going to try to make this back story summary brief, but I can’t recall if I mentioned it here, but 2017 has been a year of “what the hell do I want to do with my life” thoughts. I’ve begun to do a lot more artsy stuff, like, I got back into painting, I definitely got back into drawing and working full gear on my manga again, and even started on buying tons of art supplies and crafts because…well, early this year I had thoughts of wanting to be self-employed. Or should I say, a self employed artist/author-ish.

Yeah.

Humongous jump from the direction where my other posts were going (actually I’m too lazy to look back, so I may have mentioned the whole self-employed plan on here before). It was a thought that kept me thinking over and over again, and I feel like my whole idea for a career, has shifted. Not a whole lot, since this is still in the “creative” aspect, but it is different.

So long story short, I want to try to go through the self-employed route. progress? Nope, na-dah. absolutely nothing. And it’s not like there’s no prominent results…it’s literally…nothing is friggin happening. I have yet to start to put my works out to the world, I have not “seriously” worked on my manga…nothing. And it sucks. I’m so frustrated with myself, because I keep thinking about this “plan” of mine. But I think it all boils down to self-doubt and fear. The fact I feel like I’m not good enough to share my works out to the public, and that I’m afraid of the copying issue and that “what if no one likes my stuff?” It’s an endless cycle of negativity…and I deal with it every single friggin day. I sometimes feel so inspired and want to do it…but when it comes to it…nothign happens. I end up finding excuses to not do it…sometimes it just flies by my mind and I realize the day is ending, and then, oh shit, I didn’t do it, yet again…

This idea or plan has been around ever since I left that internship. In other words….more than half of the fucking year has gone by…and I didn’t do jack shit for myself. I just can’t fathom how much I hate myself right now, I’m just so frustrated with just everything. I’m a friggin failure as a human being…

 

Anyways, and so, that leads to today. I planned an outing with my guy friend, to help review and critique my first draft manga. Now, how I do my manga is definitely not the way to go. The panels were too blocky and ugly, there are still derpy looking pictures, the word bubbles were all over the place and the dialogue is just….meh. Not to mention, there are no backgrounds, sound effects and all that other stuff. What I’m trying to say is…..it’s in it’s rawest of the rawest forms.

So, my friend and I did our outing, we had lunch and did some other things. But then it got down to heading to a library and start reviewing. From the text, he seemed to want to help review, and as a fellow writer, I was glad and relieved to see that he wouldn’t mind looking it over. Not to mention, I did warn him beforehand that it was a total of 160 pages….. Now, we had less than 3 hours (before the library closes) so I knew reading all of that is impossible. So I just hoped that he would get to at least the “turning point” of my story.

Our outing turned out a little different. Usually, I would have no problems hanging out with him; we’re very alike, we like to write, we’re both “nerds”, (both Virgos may I add), relatively like the same stuff..and well, he’s just really easy to talk to. But for some odd reason, this outing was not the same. There were a lot of awkward moments of silence, sometimes I could see that he was uninterested with everything, other times he looked like he wasn’t even listening to me….I had no idea what the hell was going on. So of course, being me, it made me feel really uncomfortable and more reluctant to want to show him. Maybe it was because the previous time we hung out…long story short, it was a mini cosplay convention..and well, he accidentally broke my prop sword….yeah…I don’t know if that was still lingering around and caused a bad vibe…but damn, the outing was just friggin frustrating and different.

Anyways, back to the present, we’re at the library, I took out my manga, and I’m not sure if he forgot…but he looked shocked and kind of reluctant to read all of it. And just by the initial look, I knew he wouldn’t finish all of it, or even close to half. I gave him a small batch and he began to read. Of course, I’m just extremely nervous, I looked away and did my thing. He read it pretty fast, and there were some times he would ask to clarify some things or ask what something said, and I would try to explain it quickly without giving away stuff. Anyways, as the pages went by, I could see he looked more and more less motivated to keep reading. Every batch I would always ask if he would want to keep reading, and there would always be a pause..but he would say, “yeah, just give me another batch”. I could just tell from his voice he was over it, but I gave him the next batch.

After he was done, I gave him an ultimatum, and said, if he could read up to the “turning point” of my story..and immediatly I saw his face just turned to “oh hell no.”, but tried to hide and ask how many pages was left to that part. I told him it was exactly 30 more pages and well…he was not down. At this point, I was just not surprised and was well…hurt and frustrated with how this whole outing which was meant to help review my work…turned into an hour shit show disappointment. So, In total he read about 50 pages out of the 160.

First off, let me say this, I get it..I was not expecting him to read the whole damn thing under 3 hours…but I was really hoping he would make an effort to at least read most of it, or at least look like he would help. Nope. He just had to show such disinterest. He said it wasn’t his cup of tea, I get it, but as a friend to help someone out…couldn’t he do more? Am I expecting too much? Because I would have done the same, I hate disappointing people more than anything. And well, he kind disappointed me. I was so upset that he just didn’t want to keep going. Though, I was the one that called it off since I also don’t like to force people to do stuff…but I was really hoping he would help out more…I don’t know, I think I could be a bit too harsh…but I was not happy.

And of course…I got emotional. I friggin cried…fml. I had to make a stupid little waterworks scene…and I could just see he got more uncomfortable. I literally wanted to disappear. At the moment, I just kept thinking, “what have I done? I wasted my friggin time.” and just endless thoughts of regret. He somewhat tried to comfort me, but I just tried to shake it off and say it wasn’t his fault and that I didn’t know why I was so emotional. I doubt he believed me but whatever…this reviewing session turned out to be the worse case scenario…. And so, I tried to just move on and somewhat explained why I got upset, didn’t say too much in detail, just said I was really hoping that he’d read a bit more…but then the damn tears had to keep coming down so I just cut the conversation short…and tried to move on.

 

So, after the disaster of a critique session, I tried to move past it and hide that I was extremely upset. We headed to the trains to go back home. Once we were seated, we just casually just talked about random things. I had to bring up my concern about my story again, and that conversation led to telling him about my plan to want to be self employed. He didn’t look surprised, but probably was thinking it was going to take a hell of a long time for me…which I already assumed, hence the reason why I haven’t done anything about it.

He wasn’t totally against my plans, he was just stating the realistic side of it, which I get. The conversation about that died down, until an older women randomly came up to us..well me, in particular. I thought she was going to scold me for pressing my feet into the cushions, but to my surprise, she actually heard my conversation.

She said, “that I should go for it”, and that “I should do what I want to do. And that life is too short, and to not care what other think.” I was so stunned at first, Was I really talking that loud? and two,…someone seemed to care. I was speechless, no one ever came up to me and tried to motivate me. I smiled and said thank yu for her advice and motivation, and she added that, “Go and follow your dreams, and that she wished she had done it.” And then, she went back to her seat.

I was mesmerized, (I really wanted to ask her what she’d want to do, but then you know, social anxiety started to kick me in the ass again.) , and I couldn’t help but feel my eyes watering up again. I’m just super emotional today…uugh, but this time it was, happy tears. Or at least, definitely not sad ones. I know it sounds really dumb, but it was almost like, I needed to hear that from someone or anyone for that matter. hearing her say those motivating things..really makes me want to go for it and not be afraid..and to just DO IT! Life is too short, I know that, friggin 2017 went by like it was nothing.

After, the woman had to leave for her stop, and before she left, she came up to me again, and said “to keep on working on it” and “to not give up my book” (Well, she probably heard the little bit about me saying I want to write but it’s actually a manga…aha..ah….) And then she left.

It was weird, I had doubts about my story, especially after the horrible review I had with my friend…but after hearing what she said, it really made me cherish all the hard work I did to make it, despite it not appeal to someone else. In some ways, this outing was not a complete waste…because, if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have heard what that woman said.

And the thing is, I want to do it all the more. I’m feeling more motivated..and even more confident. Almost like, I don’t want what she told me go to waste, if that makes sense. I really do hope I strive for it..because that’s all I’ve been thinking. I really can’t stand to want to work a 9-5 job like everyone else..it just doesn’t suit me or my anxiety… so why not go for something that will make me happy? Happiness is all I ever want…I don’t plan to be a millionaire…I just want to live happily while working on things I’m passionate about.

So that wraps up the day…it was quite a long one..but I can’t say it was for nothing. I feel like, as cheesy as it sounds, it was meant to be that I came across the kind woman. I really hope I do it and pursue what I want to..because this currently the only thing I go going…. I’ll keep you guys posted..to whoever the heck reads my gibberish…. I hope I’ll update with “good” news about my progress..and well… hope that everything all works out…

First day of Anime North….not a good start….

Hey all, it’s been a while.. of course it is, I always start off like that.. Well, from the title, you can tell what this post is about. I’m actually currently in a hotel right now (by myself may I add) and typing this..because…I feel like everything is falling apart.

Ok, first off, mentally wise I had a pretty rough week. I was struggling to get my 2 cosplays done and trying to juggle my own random projects and hobbies, but also this week was also the week I had a spontaneous family gathering…and you know how much I love those gatherings! (that was sarcasm….) The famliy party really flew me into a downwards spiral- I came back upset and angry, not going to go into details about it, but I dread them all the time and it just made my whole week crappy.

So going back a few days now, my mental health got worse. I felt like I had constant crying sessions because of stupid things. I would get triggered really easily, I would cry and my heart would just race faster and then I panic…it was an endless cycle of constant negativity. Most of the time, I had absolutely no reason why I felt that way. I should be excited that it was less than a week away from this Anime convention…but for some reason, everything felt like it was crashing down on me.

Also, since my life is just all perfectly timed, I got an email the other day saying a studio wanted me to do a test for them…that’s another thing to worry about now because I really hoped that I could just relax and get back to doing my own projects and stuff……

Now, present day of the convention, I had a really bad morning. I slept better, but not enough. I still had lots to prep for the big day, one being that I had to draw a tattoo on my right arm. I’m right-handed so it felt impossible so I asked my sister to help me. She couldn’t get the tattoo on right, which left me panicking. My parents all left for the car because it was time to go, and I had to lug all of my heavy bags by myself to the car and that was when the water works came. I just got so frustrated an cried…. again, but in front of my parents. My dad gave a strange look and eventually we all managed to get it all in the car. But all that just left my mind in a very bad state and I just couldn’t seem to get back up.

So my friend’s mom was supposed to drive us, but then 2 other passengers came in, which made the car ride packed and uncomfortable. we eventually got to my hotel, and by the way, if I didn’t make it clear enough above…I booked a hotel room….by myself. I”m alone. Social anxiety ftw, am I right? (more sarcasm there…) So I struggled my way up to my room and it was finally nice and quiet. At frist it felt good…but then it all went downhill from there.. (At least to me, it went downhill)

I went ahead and started to do my tattoo. It was a friggin struggle but at that point, I really didn’t care, everything kept going wrong…what could be worse? Oh yeah…the rest of the day. So I did a half assed job with the tattoo, I mean, because it was all on my left hand, I should pat myself on the back…but stilll, it’s terrible. I did my makeup decently and got into my costume. Put on my wig, adjusted it a bit…and for a split second, things felt like it was going ok. WRONG.

apparently my friend’s phone’s service was whack, I wasn’t able to contact him properly. So I was trying to constantly text him so that we could be at the con together at the same time (his hotel was like a 10 minute walk, so he was very close. Mine was a 40 min walk..but there a shuttle bus) And speaking of shuttle bus, that’s another big disappointment. I eventually got out of my room and felt myself getting anxious because 1. I’m dressed up as a character (If I feel like it, I MAY put pics…) and 2. Um…social anxiety, duh.

I walked out and noticed a bunch of people also standing there, at first I was glad because I’m not the only one..but then, it dawned to me that there were all in there groups of friends…and then there was me…standing by myself awkwardly. I can’t even tell you how many times I cursed and regretted at this point. The shuttle bus did not even come and I had to wait almost and hour for it. apparently I heard someone was waiting there 1 1/2 hours there…wtf!?! And oh, this weekend called for pretty bad rain showers and thunderstorms, what a cherry on top! After an hour, the bus finally showed up and I got to the con.

Seeing everyone in there cosplays kinda made me feel better…but then the anxiety kicked in again when I had to walk by myself to the registration line. I kept feeling paranoid and anxious that my wig cap was showing, or that my eyeliner was smudging and all sorts of other crap. I kept looking down and not make eye contact with anyone because….anxiety. I don’t know how much I can stress this enough…

I had to ask 3 different people where the place is because I had no glasses and cannot wear contacts so I’m blind. Eventually got to the line and it was a easy pick up. I tried to text my friend again and again, his response took long due to the service. He also said that they had to change rooms because it was the wrong one…so pretty much I was there by myself….alone….stadning in a corner awkwardly. FUCK EVERYTHING. I really wanted to cry and just go back home to be honest. I look around, everyone was having fun with their groups of friends..I sat in the corner, pretending to touch up my makeup.

A passerby did notice me and said, they liked my costume which made me a wee but happier. But other than that…I was a wallflower..waiting for my friend to show up. And he did…like almost and hour later to be honest, and already the day was 3/4 gone. BY the time we met up, it was almost 7pm. Yeah…

And so the day went on, and it was just different to be honest. I don’t know if it was because I had a rough morning, or rough week rather, but everything just felt like shit for me. I wanted to go to the convention excited and happy to wear my cosplay and show my liking to the character…but I could not feel happy. I was not happy at all. Maybe it was all of the high expectations I had… if you read my 2016 Anime north post, you can see I had a mediocre experience… And so I really wanted to redeem myself, if that makes sense.

And so the evening progressed, another person complimented my cosplay and said it was awesome, which I appreciated. Another person actually asked for a friggin photo…which I awkwardly panicked because i Had no idea what to pose. UGH…that memory is stored with other cringy memeories….fml..

With all that’s been happening, I just could not feel good about it at all… And so the day went on, my friend said his friends were ordering pizza and asked if I wanted to come..but then that would mean I had to stay there and get a crappy shuttle bus late at night…. So I said no…and I left. I did not have dinner…I’m not hungry to be honest, despite only eating a big breakfast today…. When I got back, I felt so relieved and tears just poured down. MY makeup was smudged long ago, my face was gross…. I just wanted this all to end.

I know to an outsiders point of view, this may sound utterly ridiculous. I’m sure when I reads this again months later I would feel the same. But I’ve been looking forward to his event ever since last year ended. I wanted to make my experience better…and yet… Friday felt like shit to me. I felt like shit. LIke I said I was not happy. I could not feel happy…and I think it showed. I wasn’t able to do what I wanted to do..which was have fun and talk to others who share the same interests as me. I know … a person with social anxiety with aspirations like that is ironic, huh?

And now I’m here..in my hotel room alone, tired, frustrated and sad. Saturday I’m planning to be my 2nd character…and I do feel a bit more confident since it’s going to be a girl. Friday’s was a crossplay btw… Like I said I may post pics…I don’t know. I’m sure this is all stupid to read and I’m sorry you had to read such a dumb post (if anyone does read this..). I’m going to head to bed now..and hope that the rest of the weekend will get better from here. Because right now…all I’m thinking is that I made the wrong decision and I regret wasting my money….yeah….

I Left My Internship…

Hey everyone……Yes, as from the title, I left my internship.

It’s actually been 4 days since I left, (my last day was on Jan 30), and I finally have some time to actually write a post about how everything went down. Ok…where the hell to begin…

So, from my previous post, I talked about my first week as an Intern. Well….a whole lot has happened obviously since then. (Also..I’m going to try to make this a brief and to the point as possible… ). During my 2nd week, it honestly felt like it didn’t get any better. I know in my previous post I said it kinda ended off in a good note, but, in all honesty, this whole thing continued to torment me.

There were plenty of things to despise about this place; for example, the ventilation was HORRIBLE. Most of my coworkers smoke, and they tend to smoke kinda half outside and half inside… So, every time I’m at my desk, I would constantly smell smoke. Working conditions were absolute shit… ugh, don’t get me started on the bathrooms too. Since this place is majority male, the floors are fucking nasty (can they not aim??!?!), and not to mention, there was no soap in the bathroom…so I always have to rely on my hand sanitizer…..

Right so those were the wonderful working conditions, let’s talk about the people. My trainer (“J”) was more or less the only person I feel comfortable there. Everyone else, I could really care less because there this one particular guy who is just downright annoying. It’s like he has some social ADHD or something, like he has to talk to someone every bit of the day. Not only that, he tends to be so noisy, he starts making random sounds in his seat like squeaking his chair around, fucking whistling (God knows how much I fucking hate when people whistle) and just blasting his fucking music out loud. And you know, I can’t just go up to him and be like, “Can you shut the fuck up”, because I’m literally the end of the totem pole here. Not only that, I feel already like I’m the joke of the place. Yeah, real good vibes, huh?

I’m known as the super quiet, anti social Asian girl who never gets up from her seat. Yup. And so, weeks go by, and things just keep on surprising me. That annoying guy I was talking about? Yeah, I hear him say things in a really derogatory Chinese accent. Wonderful. I hear some of the guys talk about females, in a very uncomfortable and kinda inappropriate way. Excellent. Oh…and do I smell weed? Yes I do! Some guy brought his vape, whatever the hell you call it to work, and started to smoke behind me and it smelled awfully a lot like weed. FANTASTIC PLACE TO BE AT, AINT IT?

As the weeks go by, I honestly don’t even know why those things just keep surprising me. These “types of people” who work here, are the “types” to do that sort of thing. I would always avoid them in High school and some people even look down on them. And what do you know, I ended up being in place filled with them.

BUT, among all of that….I still tried to tell myself to keep going and try one month at a time. And so, around the middle of January, I requested to talk to J about my progress-ish and also a heads up about where my mind is at. I told him that I may not be here for long, and he thought I would still stick around for more than a month, but I was like hell no. I told him, to not be surprised if I end up cancelling my contract in a month. He asked why of course. I told him very generally, like the commute is a big one – travelling almost 3 hours, ya know… , and I kinda beated around the bush about saying, I don’t fit in there. He kinda looked at me as if he got it, which honestly, I don’t know how else you can not deduce from that. And he just told me his life story about how he felt the same when he was in my position and like ok, ok, BS, I don`t beleive a word he says and how he`s trying to relate to my problems. Long story short, the talk didn’t exactly work 100% the way I imagined. Oh, and I also cried a bit because I’m a fucking emotional train wreck.

Last few things before this post gets too long, another big part of my decision was the fact I felt like I wasn’t really part of anything. I was assigned to do extremely miniscule things. I didn’t feel proud of it at all. Not only that, sometimes I would be in the middle of something, and then J would assign me to do something entirely different! Maybe it’s because I’m going too slow, but the fact that some of my tasks were literally incomplete, I felt like I really can’t put any of that onto my resume. And a really big part of it was that, when I applied, I applied to a specific role. A role that I am specialized in. Apparently the whole month, I was considered a Generalist and I did all sorts of random crap here and there. That was not what I signed up for. And OK, yes it’s always nice to have other things under your belt, but honestly, because I was learning small bits of each things and the fact I kept being put in different tasks, it feels like I’m not getting anything out of it at all. Does that make any sense..? D: (honestly I can’t seem to transfer my thoughts into words right now…) One last note, MAYBE, I felt I was put on small things was probably because they were just starting me off with baby steps..but still, it felt very…insignifacant.

And of course , throughout my time there, I found myself constantly thinking about my projects and the whole idea of self employment. Those thoughts never left me, and I just kept thinking, “Wow, what the hell am I doing here? I really want to work on my projects so badly..” Of course, while I would be thinking that, I would be crying at my desk because what is my life…
And so, the last day came around. I actually meant to tell them a week ahead, but because I was put on more and more random crap to do, I didn’t have time to tell them. So instead my mom suggested to send them an email, which I was against at first because I thought it was unprofessional.. and well, I’d rather tell them straight up in person. But because the time was coming soon, and I didn’t want to have to tell them when things were getting more and more busy, I emailed J. J never responded to my email, so I was left hanging all weekend (hm sounds familiar?) So on Monday, he told me he didn’t know what to say, which is I guess understandable because I do agree it was rather sudden. He told me it was ok and that Monday would be my last day. surprisingly, everyone there seemed to look fine…and alright with it. (Of course, I’m pretty much part of the wall, it makes no difference if I was there or not)

They actually surprised me with a friggin cake for me. I was so shocked and speechless, and just so dumbfounded. I never would have expected they would do something like this for me….and when we all ate cake, I knew I had to say my piece. So I thanked them for everything (even though it was the semi truth..) and that it was a great experience for me- which honestly, even though I was saying how much I hate it, I don’t regret this expeirence at all. I feel like it really taught me what to look for and what to do and not do etc. When I Was talking I got a little emotional, and I didn’t cry, but J had to blurt it out saying, “I told you she’ll cry!”………… Thank god I didn’t cry..but he really just had to rub the fact that I’m a fucking cry baby out loud… hooraay fantastic baby.

Well now that I’m typing this all up now, what’s left is the Reference letter they oh so promised to give me…which, now is 3 days gone, I have yet to see a reference letter in my email inbox…. I feel like that is what’s preventing me from moving on, and all I can think of is, ‘Where the hell is that letter they said they’ll give me…’ And in all honesty, I think they won’t give it to me. One because I’m a major pessimistic, but two, because…I feel like I didn’t do ANY sort of important work there….there should be no reason for a fucking letter… -_- Ugh…but the funny thing is, they kept saying they’ll give me one and the fact my contract says there would be one… And well…where is it? There is none! Whaddyaknow!

Anyways… this is getting long….besides from waiting for the never-gonna-get-sent reference letter, I’ve been trying to work on my own projects and trying to juggle other things like making cosplay stuff and working out…. I just really hope I won’t go back down that negative rut I was in before working there…because 2016 was a very tough year for me… Sighs. I’ll update more on future plans, I already made my 2017 goals, so I’m just gonna hope and pray that I’ll stick to it and …well, hope that this year, something awesome may actually happen.

My First Week as a Intern…

Warning: Long ass post….

Hey everyone…Happy 2017! I hope you all had a fun and safe New Years, as for I, I hung out with family…pretty standard, since I hardly go out to parties, especially now that I live in place that’s literally in the middle of nowhere…..

Now….let’s begin this “update” / “kinda rant” post… This will be a continuation from my previous post, where I talked about going into an interview for an internship. Well, my first day was this Tuesday (Jan 3) and let me just say….it was one of the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced. Going back a few weeks ago when I got the news that I actually got the job, I could not stop thinking about it. It took over my life and it seemed to really slow down my motivation to work on my current projects and other things, like I couldn’t fully feel invested in the current activity.

So the day before my start day, I got notification that my start date was moved a day later. It was originally 2nd, but since everyone else in the company apparently worked throughout the holidays, they took the 2nd off and everyone would come back on the 3rd. I remember feeling relieved, but at the same time worried again because I have to wait yet another day to begin this job. I had no idea what to expect; of course I had mainly negative things to foresee in this job, but I tried to make the best and think…it’s no big deal!………Right?

Well, was I ever wrong. My first day is what I consider a disaster. Firstly, I had to ask 3 people to double-check whether or not I was going in the right direction. I am terrible at navigating myself to places, and only rely on “visual landmarks” if that makes sense. I had to wake up friggin early, like 5:30 and we left around 6:15, and to travel to my bus station which is 40 minutes away. It was still dark and I literally could not see. Oh, it was heavily pouring rain too, that was a bonus! I had a legit panic attack as soon as I realized I could not find a way inside to the station and had to struggle to ask someone and she oh so graciously helped me and pretty much, I just had to keep walking straight…

OK, I get on the bus, ride another hour or so, to only get off and take my second bus…yeah, who the fuck does all of this commuting in the first place? Oh wait, me, because I’m a loser who is desperate to find work so I can safely tell people, I do work…. Anyways, I take my 2nd bus and I got off a wrong stop. Yay, I begin walking and it dawned to me that I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be. I had to ask yet another person and apparently, it was close by…so I had to keep walking and eventually after 15 or so minutes…I made it. For fucks sake, am I right?

Now I got there like 20 minutes early, so I just walked around and at the same time tried to tame my quickening heartbeat because as the time went by I just kept panicking more. There was absolutely nothing to do around there, as I described it in my previous post, there was nothing but factories and rundown buisnesses….it all just looked so sketchy and just… not appealing at all. Finally as the time became closer, I decided to go in. Holy shit, it took so many self talks to just keep walking to the front door..I was a friggin hot mess, not only physically because of the rain but mentally I was just so messed up from my anxiety. I got in, and literally it was dead quiet in there. I tried my best to not walk out and take the bus back home, but instead go and look for someone.

I peer into this office and to see apparently, the CEO of this place and I struggled to introduce myself and he told me to sit there and someone would come and get me…? Thankfully, just as I came in another woman walked in (she was one of the ones that interviewed me..) and she looked like she had never seen me before and it registered in her mind that I was the one that got picked and she took me upstairs where all of the computers were. I see pretty much a bit more familiar faces and it just all started to sink that…this was it. This is relaity…this is actually happening. I’m standing in a room full of strangers, who are going to be working with me. OMG. My heart rate just spikes up.

A guy who interviewed me, greeted me first, and I awkwardly said hi to him and tried my best to greet everyone there. The guy took me to my computer and told me I would be working there. It was slow as I just sat there where everyone else mingled and talked about their new years party. I just sat there awkwardly and the guy (not saying any names, let’s call him J) tried to include me and said I shouldn’t be shy and I should relax. Well shit, if he knew what I was going through and feeling right now, it’s not easy to just “not be shy and to relax”, like, hell no.

Apparently there was a meeting I had to join, so we all went in this room and I finally got to meet our leader ( I literally have no idea what his role is, he claims to have the 2nd in most control of the place) and he starts talking about current projects and his visions. THis place is a very, very, very small place to begin with, and they are seriously understaffed. Like what the actual hell. The leader starts preaching about what he wants for this company (oh and he swears a whole lot in front of us, this is a VERY casual/chill place….) and he starts yapping about how he hates how “older employers” look down on this company because we’re young (which is true, the average age for this place is like 26 tbh). Anyways, he kept talking about how he just wants us to keep working and says he doesn’t care if we’re sick, he wants results as fast as possible. OK, some may take that as just joking and overexagerating….no, I honestly feel he was being serious. Which scares me, because I was not planning on staying here long…

Meeting ended, and I was finally assigned something. I tried my best to do it and J checked in  to see how I was and whatever. Some time during the day, he was trying his best to teach me what should have been done…and I literally had to watch him work for like another hour. Oh btw, after the meeting, they all went to lunch. Do I drive? No I don’t, did I bring my lunch? Oh yes, I’m just that person! So everyone literally left and I was stuck there eating my lunch and doing my work, which is completely fine because everyone was gone…but the feeling of being left out? Ah I dunno, I didn’t care because honestly, I can say I cannot mesh or click with these people at all.

There was an older gentlemen, who didn’t go out to eat and I got a chance to talk to him. He initiated the convo obviously because, hello, I can’t speak first for shit. The day went on and things were just….riding along, I was still awkwardly glued to my seat because the only time I get up is to use the bathroom…-_-. I don’t exactly remember everything (trying to also block out the nightmares from it..) but the day ended, and I got to leave. Most of them stayed behind to do more work, but I’m all like get me the fuck out of here. So I left, and J was kind enough to actually drive me to the bus stop, because it was still pouring rain. Which…hoenstly gave me a positive impression of him, and I appreciate it. Going back home, is where I almost felt I got lost yet again, I had a mini panic attack in the bus as I was staring at the stop title monitor thing like a serial killer.

I had to ask someone and turned to the lady next to me, which startled her because I just randomly asked if the bus passed the street I had to get off and she said it hadn’t. What do you know, the next stop was the one and I got off and took the last bus to meet up with my mom so he could drive another fucking hour back home. Just to let you know, the total commute is about 3 fucking hours..ONE WAY. Awesome, huh?

Let me just say, I was very upset and overwhelmed with my first day. I had to talk to my mom and literally, cried my heart out because it was just so bad. It may not seem like it was a disastrous day, but honestly, I tried to block out all of those bad memories out and was just so fed up with everything. I was exhausted, mentally and physically and was just in a state of fear, anxiousness and worry. Almost like a nightmare, but was coming true and in reality. My mom tried her best to comfort me and I can tell she looked worried and also shocked to see me so upset. I told her I wanted to leave and not do this again and honestly, I truly felt that at the time. But I knew deep down I wanted to try for a week. My mom says it was just the first day blues and it was expected to feel overwhelmed because it my first day. But I felt so scared…I didn’t want to go back and I felt uncomfortable with the people around me. J and the older man are the only ones that I feel comfortable with.

It was a rough night, and so after the long talk with my mom, I took a shower to freshen up and slept early to go on the next day. I prayed (like every night), for a better day and to give me clarity so I can decided what I want to do with everything. So the next day came around and I got onto all my busses successfully, thankfully and got to the place. The day started the same, and J assigned me to fix something which I went to go do. Apparently they had another meeting, but the leader didn’t join them since he was on his phone, swearing up the place like it’s no big deal and eventually went to the meeting. I could hear them shouting and talking about everything, which made me uncomfortable again. And let me just say this…part of me had this feeling that something will blow up. I don’t know what, but I sensed an argument, or some sort of confrontation rising up.

Their meeting lasted about 2 hours, and J came back to see how I was doing, and apparently it was all good. Then the leader came to me to see what I was doing and I told him I was doing the next piece and he just snapped. He was yelling at J across the room, and saying how I should have the full list of things to do, and J told him that we was working on the rest. The leader was literally screaming at all of us, saying we’re not working together and that he needs to have everything all done by the certain day and blah blah blah. Like holy shit, he just exploded and yelled at all of us, and let me just say…that is not a good look. It was also something I didn’t need since I was already unsure about this whole place. And I think this was my clarity. I know I can’t control who I work with, but if I see that I’ll be working under some mad man like that guy…..fuck that, I don’t want to deal with his outburst ass.

But I thought of J, and I kept thinking, if I leave in a week (that was my first plan), not only does it look bad on my part but I would feel extremely guilty because J would be doing all of the work by himself. I always wondered why was I, the only intern on board, and I wanted to know why they couldn’t find others….oh right, because this place is not legit and I’m not getting paid, and that I’m working under a crazy person..

Ugh it’s hard remembering what happened since the past few days were so rough on me…. But on the same day, a guy who sits sorta next to me, tries to strike a conversation with me. Since I don’t initiate anything…I’m sure it’s awkward for everyone since they probably think of me as some quiet loner…which is very true…. Anyways, I don’t know how the topic came about, but we were talking about smoking… (the fuck…?) and he was like, “Oh, I can’t imagine (my name) smoking!” And I tend to have a habit of stuttering, especially when I’m in an uncomfortable position (24/7) and I was like, “N-no-no, I d-don’t s-s-smoke!” And you know what he did? He literally imitated my fucking stutter with his “girl” voice. Wow.

Now OK, some may think he’s joking and whatnot…but seriously…. That is not what I needed… Am I being a party pooper or something? Maybe I am…but, my 2nd day was better…but it still had moments where I just felt like I wanted to leave right away.

Now onto my 3rd day, I got back from work and honestly…..things kinda turned out alright. The beginning was a bit of a rough start because my leader came crashing in again and was close to having another outbursts. He wanted me to do something I am not comfortable with, so I told him I wanted learn something new instead. He actually liked the idea, and said it was good that I’m learning- in my head I was relieved he agreed but at the same time wondered if he really did care…all I wants is results fast….

So J sort of taught me, and despite him not consistently making sense, I felt I got the gist of everything. So I began to do my work and I think I got the hang of it. Everyone then all went to lunch….and I was left upstairs, glued to my seat…too afraid to go down to the kitchen to eat with everyone else. Yeah…..that was the low part of my day, I’m still not comfortable going down to see everyone having fun and laughing. I instead ate at my desk and worked…..

No one was in the room and I had a moment to myself which was what I needed since, I tend to go insane when I’m surrounded with people. While I was working I kept hearing everyone talking and laughing….. It honestly made me feel worse. I know, I brought it upon myself essentially, but I can’t just go down there like it’s nothing…It takes me so much energy and courage to even go up to someone and talk….

Day went on, and it kind of got better from there. J told me I did well on my task, which I obviously doubted his praise ( I always do…blame my insecurity with everything) and then for the last hour, we just talked. And it was kinda nice, he always has random things to say and the other guy (the one who mimicked me…) joined in, and we all just had small talks…but it felt…alright. LIke for a few minutes I felt, comfortable and not afraid even. I don’t know how it turned out like that…but it did.

Anyways, day ended, I missed my bus….had to wait in the cold for another 40 min, so that sucked, but other than that, my 3rd day….wasn’t AS bad. I’m still trying to accept the fact I have another week to go through, but I’m really trying here. I’m trying to be more confident and to be more positive about going into everyday. I’m trying to get up around 6:15 and push my ass to get ready and once I’m there, I’m trying to push myself to the front entrance. Yeah….I have backed out many times, but ended up walking in those doors….

In the end…I know that I will be getting experience out of this, no matter what. Experienced in my work, people, how to get to places etc. I know I have said I’m willing to only try a month…but I dunno. I still miss my old life, I miss the days I get to work on my projects in relative peace…I don;t know where everything will take me. I feel things happen for a reason…and I don’t want to always chicken my way out of everything….. Sigh, we’ll see I guess. I’ll try to keep posting, and if anything “major” happens of course…I’ll defiently be writing here.

[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

{ Update } Feeling Forgotten

Hey all…..so….yeah..I have decided to make a follow up post with the previous one. If you don’t know the whole shebang, pretty much I was bat shit worried about whether or not anyone would wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

What the actual fuck right? I know, I worry about the most tiniest/stupidest  things ever……….. welcome to my life.
Oh and there was more (stupid) things that I was dealing with but that’s not really the whole point……

So this is just a follow up post, and I’ll tell you all what happened..

So after I posted the previous post up, I immediately felt extremely anxious. It was almost 12 AM and literally, I kept wondering whether or not anyone would post anything. I watched a comedy just to take my mind off of it, which it kinda helped. And once the movie ended, it was around 2 AM.

I checked facebook…..and only one person posted. Who was one of my main close friends. (btw…it was that friend who I made a post a few months ago…yeah..)

I tried to not let it get me  and turned off my phone and went to bed. As everynight…I prayed; the usual about hoping to get a job and…well….for my birthday to be a decent day and that I can handle whatever that comes the next day (my bday).

Next morning..I was extremely anxious. I didn`t sleep at all because I was so worried about the number of wishes I`ll get. See how stupid it is. I opened up Facebook…..

And only 1 other person posted after my friend. So in total, only 2 people have said something.

I felt my heart drop so hard. I felt the tears starting to come down my eyes and literally, I just sobbed into my pillow. It`s almost like, I knew it would happen, but I was delusional to think that there would be more than just 2 people to wish mea happy birthday. So I laid there staring at the screen and just knew that my birthday is not a good day.

I was stayed in my room, until my sister came in and wished me  Happy birthday. I could tell she noticed my puffy eyes. I thanked her and she went off. My parents eventually came and wished me a happy birthday and hugged me. As soon as I saw their happy faces, I felt the tears come back again. (YOu`re probabaly thinking I`m absolutly weird and stupid for letting something so small get me down….well…yeah…you`re right… it is pretty stupid. but it gets me..)

I told my mom I wanted to talk to her and she said she can talk with me after they went grocery shopping. From the time she left and came back, no one else has wished me anything. I must`ve had 3 more breakdowns. The feeling of being forgotten and uncared….it`s I guess one of my fears…

My mom came back and we talked and I explained everything. She looked sympathetic but  probably thought I was overreacting. I was a crying mess when I Talked with her. She told me that it was ok, and I should look beyond it. Anyways….still felt like shit after, but for some reason it`s almost like I accepted that no one else would say anything. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful to whoever wishes me a happy birthday, even if it`s just 2 people. But it kinda is like a slap in the face because, that just shows my life- I don`t have a lot of friends, and well…..i`m a loser too…..

Another reason the day went to shit, is that normally my Aunts would text me a Happy birthday message. The whole day, I got no text from them.

So the day went on. I felt extremely anxious and unproductive with my day. We eventually went out to eat, (it’s a tradition that birthdays we`d go to the wherever the birthday person wants) and things got a teeny bit better. LIke  I said, I think it was because I already accepted the fact that only 2 people would wish me a happy birthday.

Pretty much, day comes to a close and to my surprise, a few Facebook wishes started to trickle in. It was obviously not a whole lot, but I am grateful that some more people wished me.

The next day (today) comes around and apparently, low and behold, my Aunts text me Happy birthday messages. I was literally so surprised, and it kinda made me think, “ok, they may have gotten my sisters and my birthday“ ; mine is Sept 6 and my sis is Feb 7.

So now I just feel super guilty for making a fuss because “they didn’t text me yesterday”

The conclusion of this really stupid post is that…..I should really not jump to conclusions. I know it`s easy to think the worst, but there are other reasons behind it and you don`t really know the full story of the situation.    I guess I was so used to thinking so negatively and assume that no one cares about me anymore…..  I’m more or less over the whole Facebook thing, (to be honest I was thinking of deleting it soon…) but I’m just trying to not jump to conclusions so easily…..

This year’s birthday was not the best, and I can only imagine next year would probabaly be the same..or even worse. I’m really considering deleting Facebook, it gives me so much anxiety and I don’t want to see any more of my old High school “friends”.
Anyways, this is just another update to the previous post…

Catch you all later……… .

So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.