Sh*t September

Hey all…I have yet another, you guessed it, rant of the day…hooray, that’s pretty much my blog, me bitching about how crappy my life is.

Anyways, so wow, This month has been rather another difficult one to deal with. One being that, my sister goes back to school, so I don’t really have a person there to talk to, to go out with etc. I do hang out with friends but that’s like every 2 weeks…so its not that frequent. Though, I somewhat do think its a good thing because it makes me focus on my own things and I tend to get my goals finished I guess. Crappy thing is, my birthday is this month..am I happy? Nope.

Back to the point, my sister goes back to school which means she’s going to back to our “home city”. LOng story short, we moved and our new house in not built yet, so we’re staying in a temporary condo in another city. But my sister still has school in our home city, so yeah, she’s staying at my grandmas..ok, I think i explained that in the last post or so..

Anywho, September has been rough because my sister gone to another city, everyone is just asking non stop to me if I miss her and whatnot. honestly, to be very blunt, no I don’t miss her. I find her in ways, a distraction and I would get so frustrated with her and find myself constantly comparing myself to her. deep down, I know that’s not the right thing to do, but every time I hear her name or someone talks about her….I feel this tremendous amount of insecurity flood me and it makes me feel so insignificant. I know its to be expected that “a bird leaving the nest” is something to be missed, but really…it just sucks, because I’m just sitting there and everyone is gushing about how much they miss her. You see how insignificant one can feel?

Another thing is that I feel that, she’s my younger sister…in a average household, the oldest kid gets to leave. Nope, not in my case. My younger sister is able to leave the nest where I’m just still here feeling so damn sorry for myself. Sighs, its so hard to keep being happy…I try to distract myself by doing drawings, (currently have this mini project going on), going for walks, talking to my mom/friends, my instagram accounts , shop etc. But everything just gets repetitive and soon, you start losing interest in those things as well. Oh and my sister is going to a concert tomorrow, how wonderful. More things to share to the table where I am literally in the exact same spot as last year pretty much. Yes, her favourite band happens to come to our city, and my favourites don’t but still….I feel like so many great things happen in her life and that’s what gets me so frustrated. I feel so small and insignificant compared to her……what’s the point right?

Another “splendid” event that recently happened (not gonna say everything hence it being a personal family feud) it pretty much I’ve been caught up in between a family problem that has nothing to do with me. The gist of it being it that I’m the only kid in the family eligible to be part of this “plan” my dad came up with and now we’re in deep shit because of it. (I make it sound like its this gang thing or us selling drugs or some shit, no its not that ahah…) So, my dad was all counting on me to do something and pretty much, I messed up twice. Yes, twice and my dad is just so f-ing pissed and angry at me and literally yesterday we were both yelling at each other, and I could see the disappointment in his face. Like he was done with me, like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not like I fucking care, but it still hurts, because I never wished to disappoint him like that and the mistakes I did were a mistake, it wasn’t intentional. I know its hard for your to understand because I’m literally beating around the bush about it and it sounds absolutely nonsense but yeah…the gist of it, my dad is fed up with me. And my fear is that my dad would feed rumours to be relatives and making them think I did it on purpose blah blah blah, that’s the worse thing that I’m scared of.

I just feel like shit. I feel like my whole existence is fucking shit. Why the hell am I still here? I find myself searching up painless suicide methods…uugh, I dunno. I don’t want to do anything rash. Everything is just getting worse even though I would pray for a simple good day. On top of not being able to get a job is just so overwhelming and stressful…I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore…..

I wish someone or something would just take me away from this place…..

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A little update..

Hey everyone, its been a while..(again!) I am alive…great I guess, oh crap the french e on my keyboard is acting up again..-_- ?? oh there its fixed

A little update is that well…..still looking for a job. No surprise there! -_- A few weeks ago though I decided/push/forced myself to go to this recruitment party thing downtown. I was scared shitless, you have no idea. But I went. I did it. Haven’t heard back from them, but I’m trying to be positive here. At least I went to give it a shot. And I’m glad that I did…even if nothing really came out of it..sighs.

Besides from job searching, I find my comparing myself countless of times to others. comparing myself with other people is such a poison to one’s life. I’m in that boat and I just can’t seem to get out. It sucks. I keep comparing myself to my younger sister. Her life has been going so well, she’s been doing things and making progress whereas I’m in the same friggin position. I try to do things that make me happier and to distract myself from other things but it just doesn’t help. My sister will be living off with my grandma (cuz we moved and the condo we’re in is too far from her school) and she pretty much has a shot at living on her own, getting to set her own rules and literally be with her friends. Me….well….of course I’m still with my family. Not saying being with them is bad, but do you see how much freedom I get? I can’t stop thinking about it…it hurts, it sucks…I just really hate my life.

Not only that my birthday is less than a week away, and I should be happy about it. No I’m not, I’m far from happy. I can’t even think straight, being another year older it just another reminder that a years passed and still no accomplishments. I’m such a pessimist, yay..

Anyways, what makes matters even more craptastic, I just sent a resume and cover letter to a studio (which the position is very ideal for me)….and guess what? I have a friggin beautiful typo on it! Wow, if things couldn’t get any worse. Guess what I mistyped “programs” with?

Prograsm.

yes.

Prograsm.

Are you fucking kidding me??? fuck my life to that max, there’s goes my shot at another possible chance. you’re probably wondering how the hell did I type that in? Well, I have 2 cover letters, and there was line in one of them I decided to copy and paste in, and I guess, Word just went haywire and programs became prograsm. And Word
didn’t even notify that mistake too, thanks Word…
So now I’m debating whether or not I should resend it. Maybe I should…ugh but I don’t want to seem desperate and annoying. But then I don’t want to sound dumb either..

Anyways, I have to go…life is always just super grand for me….

I don’t want to give up…but…

Hey everyone..I got another rant here, and its something that’s been on my mind 24/7. I just don’t know anymore. I feel like I can’t fully be happy. I mean, obviously there are things in life that will get you down, and having a positive mindset helps a lot but…..for me it’s so hard. >.< So, it all revolves around being still unemployed.It has been now over a year since I last graduated…and I still haven’t found anything yet. It is so frustrating and pathetic….I so feel hopeless…

On average, I probably apply to maybe 6ish openings in a week, I’m doing it more frequently and am applying to places that are not even hiring. I’m that desperate. Everyone wants experience…how am I supposed to get it, if no one gives me a try? That’s pretty much my whole life…i feel like no one gives me a chance to open up..and they just leave.. anyways why am i comparing that?

2015 is halfway gone…and it’s scary, because I’m so afraid that I won’t find anything for this year either. I don’t care about the money (for now), I just want experience. I want to be able to finally update my resume and say that I did this and that. The thing is, I keep reading everywhere that its good to connect and network. How can I do that…I\m not putting the blame on my social anxiety..but its so hard for me. I can’t go to a place and talk, heck I can’t even put myself out there in the first place. Back in school, I was doing well, (or at least my profs said so) and it really made me feel that I was doing something awesome for once. And now after graduation…its like, everything is all gone.

I’m so lost and typing this up is making me cry..( I’m at the library again…can’t cry yet…). I’ve applied to countless openings, and nothing. I even found very suitable ones, like ones that don’t want experience or what not and still nothing. The thing is, I got this one reply from the studio in my city, and they asked me to do a test. I was so happy, and replied saying I would love to do one. A week later…they never sent me the test. So I followed up and now it’s almost a week has passed….still no response. If they weren’t even interested in the first place, why the hell do they bother to ask me to do a test… When I saw that email, I knew I should get my hopes up and be all happy, but of course, I was happy because it had been a while. And now look, it was all for nothing. I’m back to square 1.

Everyone is getting ahead of me..even I feel like my sister is getting ahead of me. (as the previous posts can tell..) what should I do? I keep telling myself, it will get better. I know very well that getting a job won’t make me happier, heck it’s going to drive my stress level and anxiety to a whole new level. But…I would feel like this is what I’m supposed to do and that I’m on the right track. I pray every night for something, even if it’s just another opening. I’m at the library again and haven’t found another opening. I really do hope and pray that I would find something…I said that in a post probably a year ago, and look at me now.

The scary thing is that…at least once a day, I would have suicidal thoughts. Yeah. I just…hope it doesn’t come down to that. sighs…hoping for a miracle..somewhere…

Sibling Rivalry?

Hey everyone! I’m back again…with another rant! Whoo…I love ranting…ok..

Anyways, from the title above you can see it’s going to be about my little sister..yeah. OK, first off, I love her to death, she’s one of my best friends and she makes me laugh (even though her jokes are so stupid lol) and ya..but, there are times when..things just don’t go well. I mean, its pretty common, you can’t expect a perfect relationship 24/7, and girls fight with each other! so there’s no question about that. Also she is 5 years younger than me, so right now she’s 17 I think? lol so you can do the math and know my age..

K, now that I got that out-of-the-way, there is some things that she does that kinda bothers me. OK, so you all know that I have social anxiety..and my sister is kinda like that, but not really. I mean she’s quiet and shy too, but I really think she can be a lot “Braver” than me..if you know what I mean. Now thats not the problem, you see I kinda feel like she knows about my SA. I never told her, I only told my mom and my close friend. But I kind think she’s aware of it, because sometimes I would go to her and tell her about my problem and I can imagine her connecting the dots and realize I have SA.

Sooooo…fo some reason, I think she uses that to maker herself feel better? Does that make sense? OK, for example, she would blatantly say, “Oh, me and friends are planning to do this and its going to be much fun.” or ” my and friends the other day went to do this, and it was so funny like omg.” -___- do you see what I mean? And her whole random comment has nothing to do with what we’re doing. She goes ahead and says and flaunts the types of things to somehow evoke an reaction from me. And of course I would be like, “what” and in my mind, “where the hell did that come from?” She has been doing that for a while now. And its been happening more recently and frequently. Like really? I mean if we’re talking about friends or whatever, I get that she would share that, but out of no where, she just says things like that. Flaunting that she has more friends than me and that it’s fun and everything.

Yes, she does have more friends than me… Am I jealous? Very likely. I mean, there’s this whole back story I had in high school and its just I wished I did more things back then, and then I wouldn’t have to feel so crappy about my present life..but thats a whole other posts. I dunno, I really don’t want this whole thing to get to me, but it happens more and more! Why is she doing this?

She would also show me all of her good marks and be all smiley and happy…and I just congratulate her, but really…what is she aiming? Make me feel like shit, that’s what. And its working unfortunately. She gets better grades than me, she has more friends than me…who knows..what she’ll beat me next. I don’t know, I just feel like being the older sister, I’M the one that supposed to do all that, bt it seems like she’s getting more ahead of me.

Anyways, before writing this I had a whole rant going on, but now I’m typing this it doesn’t make any sense. I really hate her for doing stuff like that. And I really think she’s doing this to make herself feel better. Why else would she randomly say those things out of the blue. And she acts so oblivious,but at the same time, looking over to see my reaction. Uggh…
I’m trying to not let this get to me. But I have a feeling, one day if it happens again, I will seriously blow up..and that’s not what I want to happen. I don’t want to make myself a bigger fool than I already have. I feel like she kinda has me on the palm of her hand and since I tell her some things, she thinks she can just twirl me around and play with my feelings freely. Yeah, thats how I feel. And remember, she’s friggin younger than I am…-_- It really pisses me off so much, you have no idea. And from the other past posts,m she copies me too, and you know how I feel about friggin copy catters. Not only she’s exceeding in other things, but she’s taking all of my interests and things that makes me unique.

anyways,I have to go now, but that’s the gist  of everything and it’s so annoying. I mean I could I just tell her how I feel, but I really don’t want her to see anymore of the “real” me, you know? anyways, that’s all…I have another post that I will post soon, but yeah. See you next time…

There is this friend of mine…..

Heylo again…this is gonna be another rant aha…don’t I love ranting? I do actually..lol..no really, all of my rants are all things that bother/piss me off, so yaaah, let’s begin shall we?

Now from my title, you can probably know what it’s going to be about. So obviously, I’m not going to mention any names here..but I have this one friend, I went to college with her, and throughout my 3 college years, we have gotten close. Random side note, is that my cousin told me (before I stared college) is that the people you meet in College/Uni, you will “click” with them a lot more, than ones in high school. Its because you’re in the same program, or relevant program, and you share the same interest as each other. So naturally, you bond better.

And so, I found a really good friend, who likes the same stuff as me, and even are the same personality type <- does that make sense? Like she’s shy and quiet too, like me :3

OK, so, anyways my friend graduated a year earlier than I did, (because our program had this extended version of the program and I took that one, whereas she took the shortened version) and so, for my last year, she was not in school anymore (duh) Because of that, I’ve lost in touch with her by a lot. I’m not really great at keeping in touch with people, I don’t even talk to any of my high school “friends” so, yeah, go figure.

ANyways, I try my best to keep in touch with her, because I genuinely like her as a person and good friend. We talk occasionally, but lately she hasn’t even responded any of my messages on Facebook. Or that she takes forever long to reply back…(I sound like a dude, don’t I?) And you know Facebook now, it makes it so damn obvious that someone has read your messages with that check mark sign… And also that she is active on Facebook, like I see her liking stuff and posting whatever on her wall..

Wow, I sound like a naggy and clingy person huh? 😦 Anyways, the point is, I’m just scared I will lose her as a friend. She was so nice to me, and I really felt “like myself'”, and I was comfortable whenever I am with her. Sometimes when I’m with my other friend, she just drives me crazy and my anxiety goes up the roof.

Recently I asked my college friend if she wanted to go to some Anime convention lol, and she responded shortly after saying shr would come if I would go. SO I was like, great, let’s plan for it then!..and then she stopped responding again..-_- Am I really that…boring…unintersting? >.< Sighs, anyways, that was my problem of the day (besides from the previous nuisance).

I just don’t know anymore, am I the only one feeling this way? I just feel like every single one of my friends will leave me…and who will I be then? >__< I don’t want to keep thinking of that…sighs…alright, enough of this sad crap…Imma go now… I Hope things will be brighter for me soon….

What the actual hell….

Hello all..

This is just another rant post thing that’s unexpectedly came up at kicked me in the butt…

So, I decided to go to the library again. I find that going to the library kinda helps me concentrate and do other some things without being distracted. I think its because I’m surrounded by people and I don’t want them to see what I “Really do”..lol

Anyways, I’m at the library and I decided that I should start checking and applying to places again. SO I did, and I found 2 postings on Indeed.ca that were relevant! I applied for the first one, and then the second one I was more excited about. Not only is it in the same city I’m in, but the requirements list didn’t seem daunting! So I tried to apply to it. I checked the website to find the contact info and to see if the posting was there, but when I did, I found no such thing.

I checked all over the site and couldn’t even find a contact email or that particular job posting. Which kinda got me thinking…is Indeed giving me wrong information?

I googled it, and let me just tell you, I am more than frustrated. Heck, frustrated is an understatement. Indeed, and probably other job hunting sites are no good at all. I found out that Indeed posts jobs that are already a week old, and by the time you apply to them, they have already chosen their candidate. -__- All this time, I have been using Indeed, and now I feel like I wasted all of my friggin time on it.

Don’t get me wrong, Indeed isn’t entirely bad, its a good way to get in the right direction, but literally, I have been applying jobs using that for a year now, and nothing…absolutely nothing. I’m so mad right now…I felt like I wasted my time. wasted so much….sighs…

Now what do I do? I’m feeling so lost again. All this time I could have applied to other places (aka the actual site of companies/studios) and instead, used that….uuugh, I just can’t anymore..

On the bright side, now that I’m FINALLY aware of this ridiculous Sh**, I can now just focus on looking at the actual sites for postings. Sighs…I hope there is something for me soon…I’m getting so restless and scared. I don’t want to lose hope…I don’t want to…

OK, I’ll probably be back with another post, because I”m here at the library so what the heck,.k, see ya there..

No Internet is a blessing in disguise

OK, so let me just start off by saying that I probably visited the library about every week now. Since I have no internet access (blame my dad for grounding me for the 9320230438483th time..) I literally take the trip to the library every week. And by trip I mean walk 30-40 minutes to the library. To be honest I enjoy walking outside, it gives me fresh air and some exercise, even though I try to work out every other day.

You’re probably wondering how the hell I can survive with no internet. Beats me! I guess I’ve grown accustomed to not “depend” on internet so much, so that I could actually survive everyday. SOmetimes you just have to unplug from your electronic devices and enjoy things that’s besides phones and laptops.

Now look, I’m not doing a cleanse or whatever, I never asked to be grounded 24/7, but honestly, sometimes I feel that the internet can be kinda depressing. Especially for people like me who suffers with SA a bit, its kinda overwhelming to log onto Facebook and find people doing “Exciting” things like partying and drinking and whatnot. I try to not let that bother me so much as I try to limit my Facebook usage. (HAA who uses Facebook anymore..?)

Anyways the point is, maybe we should all unplug ourselves from this crazy world, you would be amazed that just enjoying (physical) time with family and friends (or even with yourself) is a lot more relaxing than going to see who’s drunk on Facebook and who/s hooking up with who, blah blah blah.

DO not get me wrong, I enjoy the internet. You can see many different things on the internet, you can watch videos, go through people’s blogs, chat with people who have common interests as you on forums etc. But all I’m saying, don’t immerse yourself too much on the internet, we live in a 3D world…not a world through a LED screen.