Hey all…I have yet another, you guessed it, rant of the day…hooray, that’s pretty much my blog, me bitching about how crappy my life is.
Anyways, so wow, This month has been rather another difficult one to deal with. One being that, my sister goes back to school, so I don’t really have a person there to talk to, to go out with etc. I do hang out with friends but that’s like every 2 weeks…so its not that frequent. Though, I somewhat do think its a good thing because it makes me focus on my own things and I tend to get my goals finished I guess. Crappy thing is, my birthday is this month..am I happy? Nope.
Back to the point, my sister goes back to school which means she’s going to back to our “home city”. LOng story short, we moved and our new house in not built yet, so we’re staying in a temporary condo in another city. But my sister still has school in our home city, so yeah, she’s staying at my grandmas..ok, I think i explained that in the last post or so..
Anywho, September has been rough because my sister gone to another city, everyone is just asking non stop to me if I miss her and whatnot. honestly, to be very blunt, no I don’t miss her. I find her in ways, a distraction and I would get so frustrated with her and find myself constantly comparing myself to her. deep down, I know that’s not the right thing to do, but every time I hear her name or someone talks about her….I feel this tremendous amount of insecurity flood me and it makes me feel so insignificant. I know its to be expected that “a bird leaving the nest” is something to be missed, but really…it just sucks, because I’m just sitting there and everyone is gushing about how much they miss her. You see how insignificant one can feel?
Another thing is that I feel that, she’s my younger sister…in a average household, the oldest kid gets to leave. Nope, not in my case. My younger sister is able to leave the nest where I’m just still here feeling so damn sorry for myself. Sighs, its so hard to keep being happy…I try to distract myself by doing drawings, (currently have this mini project going on), going for walks, talking to my mom/friends, my instagram accounts , shop etc. But everything just gets repetitive and soon, you start losing interest in those things as well. Oh and my sister is going to a concert tomorrow, how wonderful. More things to share to the table where I am literally in the exact same spot as last year pretty much. Yes, her favourite band happens to come to our city, and my favourites don’t but still….I feel like so many great things happen in her life and that’s what gets me so frustrated. I feel so small and insignificant compared to her……what’s the point right?
Another “splendid” event that recently happened (not gonna say everything hence it being a personal family feud) it pretty much I’ve been caught up in between a family problem that has nothing to do with me. The gist of it being it that I’m the only kid in the family eligible to be part of this “plan” my dad came up with and now we’re in deep shit because of it. (I make it sound like its this gang thing or us selling drugs or some shit, no its not that ahah…) So, my dad was all counting on me to do something and pretty much, I messed up twice. Yes, twice and my dad is just so f-ing pissed and angry at me and literally yesterday we were both yelling at each other, and I could see the disappointment in his face. Like he was done with me, like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not like I fucking care, but it still hurts, because I never wished to disappoint him like that and the mistakes I did were a mistake, it wasn’t intentional. I know its hard for your to understand because I’m literally beating around the bush about it and it sounds absolutely nonsense but yeah…the gist of it, my dad is fed up with me. And my fear is that my dad would feed rumours to be relatives and making them think I did it on purpose blah blah blah, that’s the worse thing that I’m scared of.
I just feel like shit. I feel like my whole existence is fucking shit. Why the hell am I still here? I find myself searching up painless suicide methods…uugh, I dunno. I don’t want to do anything rash. Everything is just getting worse even though I would pray for a simple good day. On top of not being able to get a job is just so overwhelming and stressful…I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore…..
I wish someone or something would just take me away from this place…..