Being Unapproachable..

OK, so this post is going to be another SA related posts. Like before, I am writing this on a day before  I posted, because I have no itnernet….still -_-

So, just a few days ago, we had my sister’s birthday party. Because it was sister’s party, we had to host it ourselves. (Usually these parties are only family related, so no friends came over.) And so, the party began, I was busy cooking the dumplings I made and looked after some of the other food on the stove. IN a way, I was glad that I was in charge of cooking, that way I don’t look like I”m doing nothing.

The party began and my relatives started to come in. At frist it was OK because I was cooking, and not everyone arrived. But as soon as everyone came, it got a little…awkward. Now, some people may say that they don’t click well with their cousins…and some get along with them nicely, it all depends. I was fortunate to have, you can say “nice” cousins, cousins and relatives that are generally good people. Wow, I make it sounds like family is a terrible thing D: I didn’t mean that..

Anyways, the point of this post is that, I don’t think I’m an approachable person. I’ve been told that I look “cold” and that I don’t care, so people don’t bother to approach me…or are afraid of approaching me. It may be related to the whole SA thing, but I am starting to realize it. Because recently during family parties, I noticed that more of my cousins go talk to my sister more than me. My sister,  she is also shy but I wouldn’t say she has SA.

It just got me thinking (stress thinking)…am I really that hard to talk to? Am I really that…”scary”? I don’t know, mentally I feel like I’m just being me. SOmetimes when I  “act like I don’t care” its because I want to hide my shyness. There is this wall/border thing I put up whenever I meet new people, or people who I don’t usually talk to a lot, and I guess that wall symbolizes my “coldness”, if you will. I put it up so that it makes me feel better than to let my shy side show…does that make any sense? eh it makes sense in my head ;__;

Like,  I rather show that I don’t care, than show them that I’m afraid to talk to them. I think that makes more sense. Anyways, during the party, my sister was always being talked to, which left me in the distance, (mind you I was cooking, but right after I felt like I was left there…) So I would hang around her, in hopes that someone would say something to me.

I am obviously not the initiative type, I want people to come up to me. I can’t just go up to someone and start chatting away, even if I wanted to, I get all anxious and start stuttering. Sighs, maybe I’m not the only one, but I feel like people mistaken us as cold people. We want to be talked to. We want to feel welcomed and included. Alright fine, we may look like a pissed off bitch…but inside we’re not. (Well…) We just want to be given a chance, even though we may not look like we would appreciate it, you know?

That’s all I ever want. I feel that people can only wait so much, if they feel you’re not worth talking to because you don’t say much, their not going to bother with you anymore. There going to ignore you because you didn’t contribute before hand.

OK Man, ok this posts doesn’t even make sense. Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe I’m feeling this way is because during that day I had to show my new demo reel. And so all that other stress on top of this problem was just too much for me. Am I the only one who feels this way? I’m so strange aren’t I….

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Lost….

Feeling…kinda lost again. As you guys have already or not know, is that I have Social Anxiety. I don’t want to think I have a severe case of it, but I definitely do have it, and it’s not minor I guess.

My normal, typical day would be that I wake up, check my phone (instagram, reply to friends) eat breakfast, draw, eat lunch, work out, play some pokemon lol, dinner, computer time (either watch shows/animes, do animation), get ready to bed..and then try to sleep.

Sounds like a comfortable, nice relaxing day, huh? Well, I thought it was, a couple of months ago, after all that stressful homework during College and all, and now its like a culture shock for me. Actually I’ve been getting used to it, I’m trying to keep myself busy and stuff, but sometimes, there are days when it really just…sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I like…doing stuff on my own. I like to draw, it “entertains” me, if you will, and I love to hang out with family and close friends and stuff, but I mean…I could only do that for so long.

I think, the more everyday seems like, the same old thing..I get worried, tired, scared and just..well depressed because its been the same old thing. Now, I’m a person who doesn’t like “change.” Especially when that change is something I know I can’t handle. For example, getting a part time job. And you know how well I handled that one… -_- I know deep down that I’m supposed to work, because 1, I graduated from College already, and 2, I’m an Adult…in my head, adults are supposed to work, not stay at home and blah blah blah…

Yeah, adults can go back to school if they change their minds about their professions, but psychologically in my head, if I do, I feel like I’m behind my age group, and I’m supposed to be working, you know? Anyways, it all roots down to my anxiety..and my capabilities to go to social places, and try my best to survive out there.

So the more I am at home, the more I feel like the anxiety is beating me. That’s why, I think going out as much as possible is the best thing for me. It makes me think I’m “doing something” and “showing myself to the world…”, and I’m not just stuck at home, doing the same old thing, even though I really enjoy doing all of that.

Sometimes I get these thoughts, I feel lost and hopeless because everyone is moving on, except me. LIke I’m stuck in time, sort to speak. Honestly, getting a job won’t make me happy. It would probably make me even that more stressed and worried. But that thought of having a job, the thought of “doing something” and doing something what Adults are supposed to do, propels me to want a job badly, despite my fear.

Sighs, I also try to think of my goals..but sometimes my lost days are too strong, I end up feeling sorry for myself anyways. Another thing that makes things worse, is that I let random things to dictate my happiness. Every little bad thing that happens, I let it get to me, Big time. I’m trying to stop making myself worry…but its so much easier said than done..

OK, what am I even talking about here? Sorry…this is just some random rants/thoughts..I want to be a better person. I want to be stronger, mentally and physically ( I guess..?) Hoping to a better year, because damn last year was crap. I’m really trying my best to be happy with everything that I have, and to not take things for granted. To appreciate even the smallest bit of happiness in my life. Maybe then, I’ll train my mind to stop worrying..and hopefully won’t be a sad mess.

Anyways, till next time, you guys.

Working Fast Food…D:

What’s up everyone…I’m baaaack (Well, I’ve been always here, I just am too lazy to post sometimes haha)

So, I guess I’ll give a quick update on what has been happening with my, lovely life… I was being sarcastic..ha. First off, 3 or so weeks ago I have applied to a bunch of retail/fast food places, because I have been so determined to get a job. Staying at home is great, but for more than you have to, it really gets you. This may be random, but has anyone played the Sims before? In the 3rd game, there was a Sim characteristic trait where a Sim can’t stay at home for too long, otherwise it will get super crazy! Well….I have that trait. I tend to go nuts if I stay at home for more than 2 days straight, like i have to get the hell out!! it drives me up the wall D:

OK, sorry where was I? Oh yeah, so I was so desperate in getting out and needing a job, I sent it out to a few places. Well a week later, I got a call from an unexpected place, it was a pizza place. NOw, the reason why I said it was unexpected was that, the person didn’t ask for my resume and he said he wasn’t hiring either. I was very surprised that he called me! So I went along with it, and everything seemed the be pretty straight forward. Mind you, I was still so scared because of my SA, but more or less, I really wanted to keep going.

My manager told me that my shifts were Friday to Sunday AT NIGHT. OH..MY GOODNESS. At night!? Not only that, the busiest days of the week?! Holy crap, I don’t think I could go with it! I was literally petrified; my training days were done during the day, where there were light rushes and not that many people. But at friggin night-time? I was so worried and scared. SO I tried out the first night, and it was a disaster! I handled the cash and took people’s orders etc, but there was just so many people! It was so scary >.< Pretty much, at its peak of the dinner rush, people were lined up in the store, a lot of them were waiting for their pizzas to be made and it was so hectic.

Lots of them came to me and complained about how long they’ve waited, and I kept apologizing and they rolled their eyes at me and crossed their arms. They were pissed, and I was so embarrassed and I didn’t know what to do…

So after that night, I came to the conclusion that this was not right for me. My previous part time work was at a food place as well, and I guess, fast food is not right for me. I just can’t take all that pressure and stress, it was way too much. So…I quit the next day. >___< I told my manager, and he was supportive of me. I’m so thankful. He told me that, “Its alright, I’m not going to force you to do something if you don’t want to.” And so he gave me the money that I’ve earned and wished me well. He was a good guy, I Just wished I didn’t have to work at night. 😦 And its not like i can negotiate a better shift for me, because he said he wanted people for that particular night. Sighs. Well, now I’m unemployed again.

Got to admit, it feel damn good again to relax, and not worry so much about work. I’ve done that way too much the pass week. But at the same time, the fact that I quit and now I’m unemployed, makes me feel like…I don’t know…a loser? |A quitter? A weak person… >.< My mom told me that fast food isn’t for everyone and told me that its OK to leave, but I Just can’t help but think that other people will look at me as a weak person….sighs.

Anyways, that’s my quick update, I actually have to go and work out now, and right after leave to go to Walmart haha I hope things will get better…I really, really hope it does.