[Update] Constant Paranoia with my Younger Sister….

Hey all….wow …this has got to be the longest time since I last updated? Yikes, I apologize…dealing with lots of things, I’ll get into that and just yeah…havent had any motivation to really write up my feelings and updates…

First off, Happy 2018 everyone, it’s incredible and terrifying that another year is gone… Time is a really sensitive thing to me, and to feel another year has passed is just giving me more anxiety for whats to come…

Anyways, I want to quickly address a few things, what I’ve been up to (I hate answering this question) before I jump into the main problem…

So, what’s been happening, well….I’m going to be blunt. I’ve stopped applying for jobs. It’s probably been a good 4 or even 5 months since I stopped, and I don’t know if I talked about this in my previous post , it’s been so damn long, but I’ve said I’d like to go in to the self employment route…qwhich that’s what’s been brewing all this time. I’ve made art accounts for myself to get “my name out there”, so yeah, just been trying to keep up my social media art accounts…and well, it’s taking a while..I knew that from the start, it isn’t going to blow up overnight, I know that..but I do have “mini check-ins” I like to call it, for myself so I can reevaluate how everything is going, what needs to be changed…and if I’m on the right track, etc. that type of things.

Now for the main event…. Well, a lot has been going on with me (mentally…a lot of anxiety rollercoasters, panic attacks and many, many, many crying breakdowns…yeah, great way to start to the new year!) I’ve been trying to get used to my new “plan” in life. I still don’t exactly know where I’m heading, but I just told myself to focus on one thing or smaller things at a time. I think it’s the uncertainty because, after post secondary, one tends to look for a job and well…I’ve spent 3 years trying to do that, and I absolutely hated it…but now that I found somewhat of a new direction…it’s a bit refreshing, but super scary at the same time.

But that’s not even the bulk of this problem. It’s my constant comparison to my younger sister. If you don’t know, I have a younger sister who is 5 years younger, and right now currently she’s in her 2nd year in university….studying to be a nurse..(or something along that line). Here’s where the giant list of comparisons come in. I feel like, I’ve “somewhat failed”, I still have this mindset that, “you only got one shot, and you’re supposed to work that field for the rest of your life other wise you’re fucking doomed”..yea, that’s the mindset I keep having.

My sister didn’t plan on going into nursing, my parents forced her, but… everyone in my extended family praise her and admires her for it. Which in my previous post, everyone talks to her about the same old shit about school. I’m just fucking old news over here, trying to get my shit together and nothing is happening…so, this reputation is starting to show. I’m now the one who doesn’t have anything going for her, whereas my sister is this amazing and admirable to be nurse who helps people….

I fucking hate my life even more.

I’ve always compared myself to people, and now the past I’d say 2 years (ever since she started uni), it has gotten so bad. I would cry almost every night to sleep, crying just hating how everything seems to be going so well for her, and I can’t even get one thing done right. Sometimes it would be so bad that I would cry every night, and even during the day, randomly I would think, and burst into tears and have a fucking breakdown at my desk. I thought changing my career direction would help me distract myself (which, sometimes it does, I”m not going to lie and say it doesn’t) but, most of the time, I can’t stop myself from thinking terrible things in my mind.

So many negative thoughts, so many self doubts and self hate, it just keeps going and going…and well, I just can’t handle it and I find myself talking to my mom, but I can’t control my emotions anymore and I just shout and scream everything that’s going in my mind. No matter how much I try to distract myself, something would always trigger me and send me into a spiralling depression. I can’t stop it anymore. It’s getting to a point it’s impossible, I’m making stupid small things into a big deal.

This whole thing is also related to the whole copying issue with my sister. I’ve said this before, but I have a major copying pet peeve, I hate when someone copies or steals my quirks, ideas etc. I feel like they are taking what makes me unique. And that is what is going with my sister. She has been the one that I;ve always had my eye one, I’m always paranoid that she’s always trying to take whatever she can from me, and use it for herself and become better. I know this sounds ridiculous, and it’s a fucking problem, and it’s ruining my life…it really is. I know it is, but I can’t stop but feel this way.

From my favourite foods, to the genre of songs or shows I watch, to my “healthy lifestyle” (I’ll get into that) to the way I speak…I’m seeing it all show on her. And it’s fucking killing me. I like to eat spicy foods, I see her go for a spicy item and eat it, and say, “It’s not spicy” like she’s fucking proud of it. One time caught her listening to the same type of music as me, that fucking threw me depressed so bad. I stand up a lot, even typing this right now, my laptop is raised so I don’t have to sit…look at that, she puts her laptop up somewhere high too and stands. I started to cut out some extra bread off of a bun or sandwich, I noticed she’s starting to tear off the bread too. I don’t wash my hair often, all of a sudden, she starts to not wash hers as often either (and to add more salt into the wounds, I gifted her dry shampoo for christmas…literally nailed my own coffin). I have some funny comebacks, or clever things to say…I hear her repeating it a few days later…. it fucking never ends.

And there’s more. A whole lot more. I know to others, this is fucking insane and dumb. Which, yeah, I know, I wish I could just brush it off as easily as that. But no…I can’t. It’s becoming to a point where, I don’t even want to let her see what I’m doing. I don’t want to go to her room or see her, because I know, something is going to set me off to a wrong start.

It’s because those quirks and interests, are all that I have now. My life…I odn’t know what my life is anymore, but she has all of her fucking nursing programming to talk about, her volunteer group she does, her huge group of friends to brag and share to everyone…now she’s taking what is making me, me. That is what is killing me. I’m losing myself, everything I have..is now slowly being transferred to her (I know, what am I even saying now, writing a book?)…and I just keep thinking..why should I even be here, if she Me 2.0? BUt better, has a more admirable career choice, has more friends and more exciting things in her life…. Why should old news me..even exist anymore?

So yeah…I’ve been dealing with that…almost every single day. I just experienced another thing a few hours ago, which prompted me to write this…I’m sick and tired of being her shadow, that’s what’s essentially what I’m feeling. The sad, pathetic part is, I’m the older sister, usually, the older sibling would be the one to outshine everyone and do wonderful things…but no….I”m the the old pathetic one living in a younger sibling’s shadow….how fucking pathetic and depressing is that…

I don’t know what to say anymore, it’s just been hard to deal with, I’m crying a lot as I’m typing this…I can’t handle this…sometimes I randomly just thought, I just want something to happen to me.. even something bad, I want something to happen…because, I’m no different from an unused plush toy lying in the corner, old,unloved and forgotten.



Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place; they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.