Declined a Job Offer…because of Anxiety…

Hey all….wow…yeah I’m gonna just jump straight into this post. As from the title…quite a lot has gone down…

So, after my internship about a month ago, I was trying to keep myself busy with doing projects, pursuing small goals and such. It was until a week ago (as I’m typing this), I get an email saying a studio wants to ask for an interview. I was confused and realized it was one of the position I applied to during my internship. Since I was desperate to get the hell out of the internship, I was aimlessly applying to places. When I saw that particular post, I saw it required no experience, and just immediately thought, “That’s me!” without really reading in-depth what it expected of me.

So, turns out they wanted to see me. It took me so much courage, you have no idea. I was coming out of another wave of depression and it felt like it was another thing to worry about. It took me a lot of convincing to do, and I had to talk to my mom about it a lot, but we both agreed that I should just go for the interview for the interview experience.

The job posting required me to do things that I have no idea what is was about. I felt I had no knowledge of what they ask for, and it all seems too “Technical” to me. But, to be fair, it wasn’t totally unknown to me. In college, we touched on a little bit of it, but that all. And you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did you apply then?” Well, like I said in the beginning, I “blindly” applied to it. I was just so desperate to get out of my internship, anything would do…

Anyways, so I went on with the interview. Let me say this, the location was amazing. It’s in the heart of the city and the commute wasn’t THAT bad (like, roughly close to 2 hours..meeh.)To be honest, nothing can beat a 3 hour commute from that internship… Not only that, it was located literally 10 minutes away from my friend’s workplace. And, this place is a legit place; they are what I was looking for in terms of work. So I went and I got there extremely early, so I just went walking around the city, killing some time. And then it got closer to the interview time, so I headed back…and with so much hesitation and a slight mini panic attack, I pushed myself to go inside.

Got in, the receptionist was the HR lady, so I met her and she told me to sign an NDA form. So I did..and waited for a good 15 minutes before a guy invited me to a quiet room. The interview went alright in my opinion. He was very nice, and was soft-spoken, which was great because loud and obnoxious people turn me off the wrong way and make me uncomfortable…

He pretty much asked some of the questions I predicted, and one was, if I knew how to do the things on the posting. I was honest (I’m not going to lie, for a sake of wanting a job..) and told him I only have a slight understanding, and he seemed to get it. Some of my answers were really weird, like it had a yes and no answer to it. Especially when he asked about how I felt about it, and I gave a crappy answer like, “Weeeelll…I dont mind it….but blah blah blah,..” I honestly forgot what I said. So…. Yeah…. not the best answer.

So, a week goes by, and I don’t hear from them. I was going to give them a week, and after, alright, life goes on. But, just today…I got an email from them. And they pretty much offered me the position, and asked for salary expectations and potential start date. I immediately broke down into tears. I was hoping I would not hear from them, or that they would reject me like all the other ones I got. I was a mess and I just couldn’t stop crying because, literally now I have to make the final decision. So after a really long, emotional talk with my mom….it came down to that I want to decline it. It took so much guts and courage to write up the email. I sat on my compter just staring at the email and thinking, “This is wrong, I should not be giving this up.” All of the “What ifs” kept popping into my head and it just made me cry even more.

The thing is, I was on the fence about this position. The location was amazing, it was a legit place…but something was holding me back. One reason was because, my anxiety. Ever since the internship, I was a anti-social mess, it kinda made me more afraid of working elsewhere. I was scared of going into yet another new environment and be doing something I was totally a noob at. I hate letting people down and I hate disappointing them, more. I was scared of messing up everything or holding everyone back, and that I would be the root of the problem. I was so worried about so many things down the line, I started to believe I couldn’t do it.

The other reason was my life plan. I think I mentioned this in my past post, but for the past few months, I’ve been reevaulating whereI want my life to go. And it was until a few months ago, I really wanted to pursue the self-employed route. I believe, maybe working for someone isn’t the right one for me. I’m not happy if I’m stressed and anxious 24/7, so why put myself through all that trauma? It just kept me thinking, and I really would love to put the dream into reality. Of course, I would like to do a whole separate post about “my next step in life” sort of thing…but that was another reason as to why it made it harder for me to accept this position.

So after hours of debating whether or not to send the email….I pressed it. I sent it in. And as I’m typing this now…I just lost an opportunity. I let go of a perfectly, fine opportunity. Do I feel regret? Hell yeah I do. I feel pathetic…and I feel disappointed in myself that I took “the easy route out”. Even more depressing, I let my Anxiety win. And that’s something I can’t seem to move on from. So many times I let my anxiety choose my life…I can’t seem to be able to overcome it. But I’m trying. I’m trying to wake up and choose to be happy and be productive.

I would love to think that I made the right decision. I would never know, a year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road…maybe then I would know and see.. But I hope in the future, I am at a happy medium in my life. I want to be able to proudly say, “This is what I’m put on earth for”. I want to think I have a purpose in life. I want to be able to see myself grow and get better from this hell hole that I keep getting myself in. I want 2017 to be better. And maybe, it starts by declining this job offer. Maybe it’ll lead me to somewhere closer to my goals and dreams. Only time will tell…and I can only hope and pray that it’ll work out in the end.

Working Fast Food…D:

What’s up everyone…I’m baaaack (Well, I’ve been always here, I just am too lazy to post sometimes haha)

So, I guess I’ll give a quick update on what has been happening with my, lovely life… I was being sarcastic..ha. First off, 3 or so weeks ago I have applied to a bunch of retail/fast food places, because I have been so determined to get a job. Staying at home is great, but for more than you have to, it really gets you. This may be random, but has anyone played the Sims before? In the 3rd game, there was a Sim characteristic trait where a Sim can’t stay at home for too long, otherwise it will get super crazy! Well….I have that trait. I tend to go nuts if I stay at home for more than 2 days straight, like i have to get the hell out!! it drives me up the wall D:

OK, sorry where was I? Oh yeah, so I was so desperate in getting out and needing a job, I sent it out to a few places. Well a week later, I got a call from an unexpected place, it was a pizza place. NOw, the reason why I said it was unexpected was that, the person didn’t ask for my resume and he said he wasn’t hiring either. I was very surprised that he called me! So I went along with it, and everything seemed the be pretty straight forward. Mind you, I was still so scared because of my SA, but more or less, I really wanted to keep going.

My manager told me that my shifts were Friday to Sunday AT NIGHT. OH..MY GOODNESS. At night!? Not only that, the busiest days of the week?! Holy crap, I don’t think I could go with it! I was literally petrified; my training days were done during the day, where there were light rushes and not that many people. But at friggin night-time? I was so worried and scared. SO I tried out the first night, and it was a disaster! I handled the cash and took people’s orders etc, but there was just so many people! It was so scary >.< Pretty much, at its peak of the dinner rush, people were lined up in the store, a lot of them were waiting for their pizzas to be made and it was so hectic.

Lots of them came to me and complained about how long they’ve waited, and I kept apologizing and they rolled their eyes at me and crossed their arms. They were pissed, and I was so embarrassed and I didn’t know what to do…

So after that night, I came to the conclusion that this was not right for me. My previous part time work was at a food place as well, and I guess, fast food is not right for me. I just can’t take all that pressure and stress, it was way too much. So…I quit the next day. >___< I told my manager, and he was supportive of me. I’m so thankful. He told me that, “Its alright, I’m not going to force you to do something if you don’t want to.” And so he gave me the money that I’ve earned and wished me well. He was a good guy, I Just wished I didn’t have to work at night. 😦 And its not like i can negotiate a better shift for me, because he said he wanted people for that particular night. Sighs. Well, now I’m unemployed again.

Got to admit, it feel damn good again to relax, and not worry so much about work. I’ve done that way too much the pass week. But at the same time, the fact that I quit and now I’m unemployed, makes me feel like…I don’t know…a loser? |A quitter? A weak person… >.< My mom told me that fast food isn’t for everyone and told me that its OK to leave, but I Just can’t help but think that other people will look at me as a weak person….sighs.

Anyways, that’s my quick update, I actually have to go and work out now, and right after leave to go to Walmart haha I hope things will get better…I really, really hope it does.

School…

Hello all…

I actually got some time on my hands right now and I feel like posing some shtuff here 😀 

So I finally gotten back to school (actually its been like 3 weeks already)  but I am already loaded with a crap load of homework. And because this is my last year in Animation…I LIKE REALLY HAVE SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME LIKE OMG. Yeah. I feel that way about it everyday. Don’t you just love extra stress that gladly plops onto you? 

But in a way I feel its like a motivation for me to get better and learn more. Not that I wasn’t trying at all before..but it just hit me right now. :/ I don’t know, sometimes I feel super uber confident in my work and then there many days where it’s like…um, can you not display it in front of the class, kthx..

Not only that there’s a douchebag in my class who i hate (yes i know hate is a very strong word, whatevs) and he’s such a…and asshole… Well, let’s just say he was kind of racist towards Asians. Mmhmm, fucking retard. 

Anywho……………. hoping and praying to get better and be successful. I honestly want to show myself that I can do this. *yesican* :3