So Many Problems…..

Alright, hey all…so from the previous post, this post will be obviously another ranty-fml like post. Like before, things have been up and down for me. Lately, things have been to a point where, I Literally cried more than once a day. Yeah…I’m just an emotional wreck. Maybe it could be the time of the month soon….but still, things have not been easy.

The first thing was of course the whole unemployment problem. Everyday I just think, “I could be out there working in a studio.” no..instead I’m jobless and then the whole wave of negativity comes crashing through my mind again. I never knew it would be this tough. I feared this very moment when I was in college. I didn’t want to graduate, I knew I wouldn’t get far..and look at me now. It came true. Almost 3 years and still I have not found a single damn thing. I’m really starting to question everything ; my existence, my capabilities…everything.

 
The second thing is with my younger sister. I don’t know why, But I’m always feeling so paranoid whenever I’m with her. I’m always hoping she wouldn’t say or do anything that would get me all rattled, but there are many times when I would get triggered. With whenever she talks about her friends out of the blue, or when she intentionally flashes her phone towards me and literally shows me all of her notifications and text messages. yea…I’m being way too stupid…. I keep saying, why the fuck do I care about her…and then I just get emotional again and break down…..story of my life…

 

The last thing is pretty much extremely stupid. My birthday is less than a few hours, and with all of my other problems and anxieties….I’m worried about the amount of people wishing me a happy birthday. WTF right…why do I even think about that….. I’ve always had a fear with Facebook, I don’t go on it at all anymore and my wall or whatever it’s called now, is dead. The last things on it were from my previous birthday wishes….. I used to envy so much of how many people would post their outings and random crap and everyone would like and comment it and I just sit there feeling more shitty about my life. Yeah….Facebook was such a dread for me and it still is. I was thinking of deactivating my account for good, but then I realized I only use it for contacting people and possible job stuff too.

 

But why do I care? I ask myself so many times this past week (I was worried about it the whole week…), like seriously. I know it’s a stupid reason to worry and lose hairs for…but it’s killing me. I just want my birthday to be over. I hate having all of the focus on me. I think it’s probably because, everyone will focus on me and realize how much of a loser I am because 1. No one wished me anything and 2. I don;t get likes/posts w/e……

 

See how pathetic I am…..little stupid things like that really just beat me up. I’ve been thinking about this constantly and literally and having a anxiety attack because of it. I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much as I should….but I just want my birthday to be over…..I want everyone to forget what happened and just move on. Which, they will but…I always keep dreading that people will remember that I didn’t get any wishes, or I don’t get any likes or whatever b.s like that…… And I know I should just be happy and grateful for the ones that do wish me a happy birthday,..but it still gets me so fucking depressed…

 

I just have too many problems…I keep thinking about the worse for everything, and it’s really ruining my life. Yeah..I know, I did it to myself. I;m the only one who could truly help myself, but I can’t just stop these negative thoughts from flowing. I’ve come to a point where, anything will trigger my anxiety and anger. I’ve changed so much ever since I graduated, and I changed for the worse. My attitude has become so much more negative towards everything, I’ve stopped feeling happy whenever I do things I like…things become such a drag and I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.

 

I want to go see a therapist, but I know they’re not going to help. Theyre literally people who are paid to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life and then they’\ll pretend to understand and then give you meds to shush you up… I want to get better with my life. I want to be happy again and it’s such a struggle for me, everyday getting up is a pain. Everyone I know is doing something great with their life- they’re getting somewhere…me? I”m still stuck in square 1 and I just hate everything.

 

Praying doesn’t seem to help at all. I used to feel a little comforted by praying..but I’m beginning to realize I may be wasting my time. I pray every night for job opportunities and it’s been going on for close to 3 years….and I have not seen anything. I guess I’m just meant to be useless and a waste of space.

 

Anyways…pretty much I’m just been feeling more depressed than usual…or maybe it’s just another level of it. I keep saying that I hope it’ll get better…but it really doesn’t feel like it will. IT’s like an endless tunnel and I don’t know when it’ll end. I’m just so fed up with everything, I can’t seem to think straight and I do things that I regret later on…..

 

I’m going to go now…it’s now less than half an hour until my birthday….maybe I’ll keep you updated with whatever happens. I’m trying to be more positive…but clearly from this post..it’s the total opposite of it.

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I Need New Friends….

Warning: Profanity because I’m so fed up

 

This is something I just have to post up. I’ve just had it, my life is continuously going to shit and I keep having literally mental breakdowns with every single thing, every single day. I can’t catch a fucking break and I’m always so depressed and upset with everything…and this current situation is just the fucking cherry on top of my shitty life.

 

First off, lately I’ve been getting quite moody; I would just be so pissed at everything and disappointments just keep happening, I was already having a shitty week. I did a test for a studio which I ended up not getting the job, I’m worried about the fucking Father’s day picnic and I don’t want to see my family relatives and celebrate a figure who I despise. One of the other things was my friends birthday party. I consider her literally, my only friend. Or what I thought she was.

 
I’ve known her since high school and we hang out a whole lot over the years, and it took a lot of energy and emotional strength to get through a day with her because I felt like I had to always be on top of things, because literally…she talks way too much and I have to constantly keep up with her. But that’s besides the point, and i generally have a good time with her. But ever since the time I moved away with my family into another city, I felt my relationship with her grew apart because it wasn’t always convenient to visit her.
Her birthday party was on the 11th of June and I was invited because I was really close with her. (See how I wrote “was”. ) Last year I went and it was terrible and a nightmare. She’s friends with a lot of people and all of them were from my old high school. The thing is, I’m trying to move away from my so called “high school friends”, I was never close with them. I didn’t want anything to do with them, but I went anyways and damn did I come back with tears and a mini panic attack.

 
So I was invited this year, and because of the move and I hate playing catch up because I don’t have a fucking job still, and also because of my social anxiety….I really did not want to go. All week I was contemplating whether or not I should go, and ultimately, told her a lie and say I couldn’t make it because my family were having a picnic..ha right. She says its ok, and that was that. It actually turned out that I couldn’t exactly  go because my mom had some party with her work friends and my dad had to take my sister to this university orientation, so technically……I didn’t have a ride anyways.

 
Fast forward today (day of the party),I was still trying to recover from the previous days of disappointment and crying sessions over how fucked my life is. The day went alright, I did more of my project and I even went out to buy lunch. The day is closing and throughout the whole day I thought, “I wonder how they party is going” and “I bet they’re talking about me, and how much of a loser I am.” Yeah…I think that. And so the day is closing to 11pm-ish and I randomly went on my Instagram and low and behold, my friend updated her insta with a picture of everyone she invited (minus me of course) who were all smiling and having such a sweet time. Oh, and here’s the beautiful caption to go with it, can you smell the sarcasm? (Not going to quote exactly, just in case, I dunno it links and connects to her insta..I dunno…)
“Playing games and bubble tea with the best people in the world.”

 

Are you fucking joking me?
Well that makes me feel fucking grand. I know it was primarily my fault for choosing not to go, but to really caption it “With the best people in the world”…yeah thanks, I feel so fucking fantastic right now. And get this….she hardly uses her fucking Instagram. She knows that I am an Instagram freak and that I check and go on it daily, and the fact she would only post that picture with her fucking caption only on Instagram and not on Facebook…really fucking makes me pissed.
I’m a type of person that no matter how small or big someone did me wrong..I will never forget or forgive them. I will have a change of heart and mind towards them and I will forever hold grudges and have a different outlook on that person. This…clearly did it. I’m so dissapointed and shocked that she would even do something like that. Like what, she just loves her friends and posts a picture of them all smiling and having a fucking great time, but oh wait, i’m not in it, oh well, it doesn’t fucking matter because clearly she doesn’t fucking care that I would see that damn picture.
I never told her about my social anxiety, it’s mainly because I feel like she would tell others about it. She once told me her other friend had bipolar (who was at the party btw) and I don’t even know she was supposed to keep it a secret, but she told me. Oh, she probably thought, who the fuck am I going to tell it to? I don’t talk to anyone, so of course, that secret is safe with me .. So that is why I do not want to tell her something so personally because, fuck she’s gonna tell it to the fucking world.
I’ve just had it, I still can’t believe she would do something like, and the fact the other day I spent so much time looking for her fucking gift. The money and time I spent, all on her, she literally just crushed it.
I need new friends.
I want to have a friend who I can just be real 100% . I want someone who I can always depend on, and someone who can depend on me, and won’t go off with someone else. I know this sounds so possessive, but I want to feel needed. And I’m losing all of the friends I have…I clearly lost another one.

Everything is falling apart…my life, my friends…my mind..everything is getting worse and I can’t see anything in happiness anymore.
I don’t know how I got to this dreaded mess…I hate my life…and it keeps getting fucking worse. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m just so hurt…and so tired of everything.

I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.

Fed Up with People…

Hey everyone, it’s been a long time has it? Not like anyone noticed or cared, but I just
thought it was time for yet another rant ish post…

So a little update, well, you know what I’ll say, but yes…still looking for a job. I guess
theres some good-ish news to say, but lately I have been updating my reel and
practising/sharpening my “skills” to make my reel better. I feel a tad bit better knowing
that I am improving in some way and I feel good when I upload the new updated version of my
reel for future studios to see it.

Now……the rant. So, as the previous post, I talked about this one studio who didn’t
bother to answer my follow up email and instead left me hanging for a whole friggin month,
yeah remember that smashing good time? (if you don’t know, just read (if you want to..) about
my horrid experience). Well, you can say that just left a “traumatic” impact on my life and
how I view people. Before all of that, I had trust issues with people, some probably
developed because of past relationships with friends but anyways, I had a hard time trusting
people. Maybe that’s why I always see the glass half empty 99.9% of the time. So after that
event, it made me “judge” other people in the wrong light. I would always think people
wouldn’t want to get to know me, or talk to me..or even approach me. And I wouldn’t do that
same either (mostly do to my Social anxiety) but, I don’t want to put myself out there and
be left crushed when they don’t want to be with me, ya know what I’m saying?

Anyways, long story short, a week ago, a studio asked me to do a test for them. They gave
me the files and outline on what they want and told me to animate it. Great, so I got to it.
It was different then what I was used to, but in a day or so I managed to figure it out and
started to finish it. It took me roughly 3 1/2 days to complete, theres were family parties
and other events in between so that really cut my work time but I managed to complete it
last Sunday. So I submitted it and was relieved that I got it done. I was fairly happy with
it, some parts seems still a little off, but more or less I was happy at how it turned out.

Monday came around..no repsonse from the guy that gave me the test. I was first a little
worried but brushed it off because it was only Monday and like, 10ish in the morning. But as
Monday went on and 5 pm hits, there was still no email to whether or not I passed or
whatnot. I tried to not let it get to me and Tuesday( today as I am typing this) came
around…..yet no email from them. My anxiety started to get the better of me and I began
feeling like I was going through the downward spiral of depression again. I felt my emotions
get the better of me and of course, started to cry and wonder why weren’t they responding.
I’m typing all of this right now because its 9pm on Tuesday and I’m just very frustrated
with how everything in my life is turning. I told myself to give them this week to get back
to me, but being such a negative person…I feel/believe that they won’t respond back.

Is it really that hard to not let someone know what the final verdict will be? Or is it
normal and OK for studios/companies whatever to not let the candidates know and just shut
them out completely?

I’m just so scared and I feel my anxiety coming again. When I found out that someone wanted
to test me, I was so glad. I did my best on the test, tried to work on it as much as I
could…but I was left with silence. I don’t understand…and I’m just finding myself crying
and getting more and more upset over everything. My depression and mood swings has gone up
the roof and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. This years new sets of graduates
will come out and that will be even more competition and I just don’t know anymore.

I pray every night for a job or even opportunities, in fact I’ve prayed ever since late
2014…and look at where it got me. I’m just a lost cause, I’m a failure, I would always
tell myself that. Nothing good ever comes my way, and when something looks promising
happens, it will always be too good to be true and disappear from my life. Everyone has a
purpose in life? Well, clearly mine is just to be useless,hopeless and…nothing anything
special or important.

Update on my “New Job”

Hey everyone, I got another update for you guys regarding…my supposedly new job. After you read that, you know something f-ed up is about to go down.

Well, first off, Happy new year, I know it’s obviously passed the new year but whatever, I bet you all had resolutions all planned up and probably breaking all of them right now (I know i am…) Anyways enough about that, so, its the new year and its supposed to be that time when I was supposed to start at my new job. If you read my previous post, I talked about my journey to that interview and the job offer that was laid out to me. I was told in an email that I was supposed to come in Mid-January………that’s like, right now isn’t it? -.-

Well….here is what happened.

 

So, all of December, I pretty much stopped looking for places. I stopped sending my resumes and reel to studios after the interview, because I felt they genuinely wanted me. Heck they set a time frame of when I could start. With my previous post, you know how happy I felt. I felt relatively relaxed knowing that I don’t have to go searching anymore. Well, am I ever more wrong.

I had doubts in the beginning, and it traveled until this day. I was happy, but there was this weird doubt lurking around and I just couldn’t fully be happy about it. I knew something was up. Maybe it’s me being a pessimist 24/7, but I couldn’t shake off those weird doubts I was having. And so, last week, I checked my email, (I do everyday) and there was no response from the studio. I was beginning to feel really anxious again, and so I sent them a follow up email to them asking them if the position is still available and if yes, could they tell me a start date. I Sent that last Wednesday.

No response. And it’s friggin MOnday right now. Am I being too naggy? Hell no, its been 3 work days already, I’ve expected them to at least tell me the latest news if I’m in or not. But no. Still nothing. Funny right? Stupid shit always seems to happen to me.

I don’t even know now. To be honest, I’m not even disapointed by the fact I didn’t get it, I’m more disapointed by the fact they couldn’t even send a fucking email telling me I’m not the right fit. Especially the build up they gave me, and they even gave me a fucking estimated date to start. What the actual fuck. Great start to 2016. ANd if things couldn’t get any worse, I have a delightfully exciting family party this weekend. I’m being hella sarcastic, fuck no I don’r want to see my relatives, especially with absolutely no news about my “new job”.

I don’t even know anymore. I thought things were going great, or at least beginning to get “newer”, but I Guess it’s back to searching for more jobs all over again. You see, shit like this always happens to me. People always seem to forget about me or replace me with something/someone better.

I don’t know how much of this I could take. Each day is just as bland as the other. I feel worthless and useless, and me being worried about what other people think of me, my whole family and friends judging me so hard, thinking “I’m so lazy,” and that I can’t do shit. I told myself, I wished I could find something before the new year, and early December, it really seemed like I got it. But I guess not, it was a joke. The doubts I was having, it came true, every negative thing I predict always comes around and happens.

Well, that’s about it. Like I said, I don’t know how much I could take. I don’t want to do anything rash, I’m so scared that I will. Because Nothing good really exists with me.

Feeling so Trapped and Lost…

Warning: Swearing cuz I’m depressed af

Hey all, I guess this is another update, and right now we have now moved to the new city. We’ve been here for pretty much a month now, and let’s just say, things have not been easy. The move itself was stressful because we have shit ton of things to carry over, but living her hasn’t been the best.
Before we moved and when I was still in the condo, I feared of moving into a new city and new place. I feared that of course I wouldn’t know anyone or what to do there, I feared that I would be trapped in my home. And low and behold, that is exactly what happened.
I find myself everyday, waking up, my parents leaving extremely early to do random errands like get new furniture or some shit, and I’m stuck in the house the whole day doing completely nothing. There is nothing to do here, the neighbourhood is small and quiet, hardly any stores to walk into, let alone, us being the pinch of Asians living here. Not only that, there’s hardly any “younger” people my age, so yeah, recipe for depression 2.0.
I would sometimes go on walks with my mom, but that’s only at most once a week, and I hate staying at home for more than 2 days max, and right now, its the 3rd day has passed. I feel so suffocating and trapped, I also feel like my anxiety and depression gets so much worse when I don’t get out. You’re probably saying, Why the hell don’t you go out on your own?
Well, I would love to, but I have no idea where I am, and I do not feel comfortable going out by myself. Back in my old house, I would gladly just get the hell out, I would go down to the frozen yogurt shop or get some Starbucks, or even go browse around Walmart. And Here? Nothing, zero, absolutely nothing.
It’s so frustrating because lately, my dad has been mad at me (no surprise there) and I overheard him saying to my mom, because the fight between us was ridiculous to the point that is hilarious, but anyways, overheard him bitching to my mom, literally saying why I still cant find work and that I’m lazy and I don’t do anything. And there he is, unemployed for most of his life talking shit about me whose actually trying every single fucking day to find a fucking job. Not only that, he can’t even write a resume, needs to ask my mom to do it, he’s a fucking piece of shit. Anyways off topic, so my dad and I are on shit terms as usual, so that really adds to the greatness to my life.
And on top of all of that, my friend texted me saying this girl who used to be in my shoes (still finding work) finally got a job at a studio, and it was a position I applied to as well, and look at that, they got her instead. Whoopie, things keep getting better and better.
I don’t know how many times I would pray every night, asking for the same thing, to get a job or to even have a fucking good day. Honestly, I’ve been doing that for what, almost 2 years now. And look at me, still in this shithole of a life and in a deeper shithole than last year. I’ve been so miserable and angry at everything, I just can’t seem to enjoy anything. My depression has gotten the better of me and suicide thoughts keep ringing in my ear non stop. I would search up painless ways to end my life but all that shit costs money. If I had the guts to actually do it, I’d do it. I can’t stand my life right now, and never in my entire life have I ever thought I’d be in this hell hole. Never.

I’ve gained weight from all of this stress, I’ve been eating unhealthy and I’ve stopped working out, everything is falling apart for me. And I can’t stop comparing myself to others, that girl I mentioned, my sister, my cousins, my friends who are all so happy and successful on Facebook, what the actual hell, it’s like I’m the joke of this world. A big fucking laugh, that’s what I’m here for…
All I ever want is to feel happy again, and for even just one day, not worry and enjoy and be happy. Happiness last for a few seconds for me, because wherever I feel happy, I think wait, I have all of this other shit to worry about remember? And then the dark cloud comes back over me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I develop ulcers from all of this worrying.
Sighs, the days have been quite long and I’ve been crying everyday because I just hate my life and I hate myself for everything. I just want to leave this place, anywhere is better than here, and honestly, it’s not like I’m gone, it’s like I was never here in the first place.

Sh*t September

Hey all…I have yet another, you guessed it, rant of the day…hooray, that’s pretty much my blog, me bitching about how crappy my life is.

Anyways, so wow, This month has been rather another difficult one to deal with. One being that, my sister goes back to school, so I don’t really have a person there to talk to, to go out with etc. I do hang out with friends but that’s like every 2 weeks…so its not that frequent. Though, I somewhat do think its a good thing because it makes me focus on my own things and I tend to get my goals finished I guess. Crappy thing is, my birthday is this month..am I happy? Nope.

Back to the point, my sister goes back to school which means she’s going to back to our “home city”. LOng story short, we moved and our new house in not built yet, so we’re staying in a temporary condo in another city. But my sister still has school in our home city, so yeah, she’s staying at my grandmas..ok, I think i explained that in the last post or so..

Anywho, September has been rough because my sister gone to another city, everyone is just asking non stop to me if I miss her and whatnot. honestly, to be very blunt, no I don’t miss her. I find her in ways, a distraction and I would get so frustrated with her and find myself constantly comparing myself to her. deep down, I know that’s not the right thing to do, but every time I hear her name or someone talks about her….I feel this tremendous amount of insecurity flood me and it makes me feel so insignificant. I know its to be expected that “a bird leaving the nest” is something to be missed, but really…it just sucks, because I’m just sitting there and everyone is gushing about how much they miss her. You see how insignificant one can feel?

Another thing is that I feel that, she’s my younger sister…in a average household, the oldest kid gets to leave. Nope, not in my case. My younger sister is able to leave the nest where I’m just still here feeling so damn sorry for myself. Sighs, its so hard to keep being happy…I try to distract myself by doing drawings, (currently have this mini project going on), going for walks, talking to my mom/friends, my instagram accounts , shop etc. But everything just gets repetitive and soon, you start losing interest in those things as well. Oh and my sister is going to a concert tomorrow, how wonderful. More things to share to the table where I am literally in the exact same spot as last year pretty much. Yes, her favourite band happens to come to our city, and my favourites don’t but still….I feel like so many great things happen in her life and that’s what gets me so frustrated. I feel so small and insignificant compared to her……what’s the point right?

Another “splendid” event that recently happened (not gonna say everything hence it being a personal family feud) it pretty much I’ve been caught up in between a family problem that has nothing to do with me. The gist of it being it that I’m the only kid in the family eligible to be part of this “plan” my dad came up with and now we’re in deep shit because of it. (I make it sound like its this gang thing or us selling drugs or some shit, no its not that ahah…) So, my dad was all counting on me to do something and pretty much, I messed up twice. Yes, twice and my dad is just so f-ing pissed and angry at me and literally yesterday we were both yelling at each other, and I could see the disappointment in his face. Like he was done with me, like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Not like I fucking care, but it still hurts, because I never wished to disappoint him like that and the mistakes I did were a mistake, it wasn’t intentional. I know its hard for your to understand because I’m literally beating around the bush about it and it sounds absolutely nonsense but yeah…the gist of it, my dad is fed up with me. And my fear is that my dad would feed rumours to be relatives and making them think I did it on purpose blah blah blah, that’s the worse thing that I’m scared of.

I just feel like shit. I feel like my whole existence is fucking shit. Why the hell am I still here? I find myself searching up painless suicide methods…uugh, I dunno. I don’t want to do anything rash. Everything is just getting worse even though I would pray for a simple good day. On top of not being able to get a job is just so overwhelming and stressful…I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore…..

I wish someone or something would just take me away from this place…..