I Left My Internship…

Hey everyone……Yes, as from the title, I left my internship.

It’s actually been 4 days since I left, (my last day was on Jan 30), and I finally have some time to actually write a post about how everything went down. Ok…where the hell to begin…

So, from my previous post, I talked about my first week as an Intern. Well….a whole lot has happened obviously since then. (Also..I’m going to try to make this a brief and to the point as possible… ). During my 2nd week, it honestly felt like it didn’t get any better. I know in my previous post I said it kinda ended off in a good note, but, in all honesty, this whole thing continued to torment me.

There were plenty of things to despise about this place; for example, the ventilation was HORRIBLE. Most of my coworkers smoke, and they tend to smoke kinda half outside and half inside… So, every time I’m at my desk, I would constantly smell smoke. Working conditions were absolute shit… ugh, don’t get me started on the bathrooms too. Since this place is majority male, the floors are fucking nasty (can they not aim??!?!), and not to mention, there was no soap in the bathroom…so I always have to rely on my hand sanitizer…..

Right so those were the wonderful working conditions, let’s talk about the people. My trainer (“J”) was more or less the only person I feel comfortable there. Everyone else, I could really care less because there this one particular guy who is just downright annoying. It’s like he has some social ADHD or something, like he has to talk to someone every bit of the day. Not only that, he tends to be so noisy, he starts making random sounds in his seat like squeaking his chair around, fucking whistling (God knows how much I fucking hate when people whistle) and just blasting his fucking music out loud. And you know, I can’t just go up to him and be like, “Can you shut the fuck up”, because I’m literally the end of the totem pole here. Not only that, I feel already like I’m the joke of the place. Yeah, real good vibes, huh?

I’m known as the super quiet, anti social Asian girl who never gets up from her seat. Yup. And so, weeks go by, and things just keep on surprising me. That annoying guy I was talking about? Yeah, I hear him say things in a really derogatory Chinese accent. Wonderful. I hear some of the guys talk about females, in a very uncomfortable and kinda inappropriate way. Excellent. Oh…and do I smell weed? Yes I do! Some guy brought his vape, whatever the hell you call it to work, and started to smoke behind me and it smelled awfully a lot like weed. FANTASTIC PLACE TO BE AT, AINT IT?

As the weeks go by, I honestly don’t even know why those things just keep surprising me. These “types of people” who work here, are the “types” to do that sort of thing. I would always avoid them in High school and some people even look down on them. And what do you know, I ended up being in place filled with them.

BUT, among all of that….I still tried to tell myself to keep going and try one month at a time. And so, around the middle of January, I requested to talk to J about my progress-ish and also a heads up about where my mind is at. I told him that I may not be here for long, and he thought I would still stick around for more than a month, but I was like hell no. I told him, to not be surprised if I end up cancelling my contract in a month. He asked why of course. I told him very generally, like the commute is a big one – travelling almost 3 hours, ya know… , and I kinda beated around the bush about saying, I don’t fit in there. He kinda looked at me as if he got it, which honestly, I don’t know how else you can not deduce from that. And he just told me his life story about how he felt the same when he was in my position and like ok, ok, BS, I don`t beleive a word he says and how he`s trying to relate to my problems. Long story short, the talk didn’t exactly work 100% the way I imagined. Oh, and I also cried a bit because I’m a fucking emotional train wreck.

Last few things before this post gets too long, another big part of my decision was the fact I felt like I wasn’t really part of anything. I was assigned to do extremely miniscule things. I didn’t feel proud of it at all. Not only that, sometimes I would be in the middle of something, and then J would assign me to do something entirely different! Maybe it’s because I’m going too slow, but the fact that some of my tasks were literally incomplete, I felt like I really can’t put any of that onto my resume. And a really big part of it was that, when I applied, I applied to a specific role. A role that I am specialized in. Apparently the whole month, I was considered a Generalist and I did all sorts of random crap here and there. That was not what I signed up for. And OK, yes it’s always nice to have other things under your belt, but honestly, because I was learning small bits of each things and the fact I kept being put in different tasks, it feels like I’m not getting anything out of it at all. Does that make any sense..? D: (honestly I can’t seem to transfer my thoughts into words right now…) One last note, MAYBE, I felt I was put on small things was probably because they were just starting me off with baby steps..but still, it felt very…insignifacant.

And of course , throughout my time there, I found myself constantly thinking about my projects and the whole idea of self employment. Those thoughts never left me, and I just kept thinking, “Wow, what the hell am I doing here? I really want to work on my projects so badly..” Of course, while I would be thinking that, I would be crying at my desk because what is my life…
And so, the last day came around. I actually meant to tell them a week ahead, but because I was put on more and more random crap to do, I didn’t have time to tell them. So instead my mom suggested to send them an email, which I was against at first because I thought it was unprofessional.. and well, I’d rather tell them straight up in person. But because the time was coming soon, and I didn’t want to have to tell them when things were getting more and more busy, I emailed J. J never responded to my email, so I was left hanging all weekend (hm sounds familiar?) So on Monday, he told me he didn’t know what to say, which is I guess understandable because I do agree it was rather sudden. He told me it was ok and that Monday would be my last day. surprisingly, everyone there seemed to look fine…and alright with it. (Of course, I’m pretty much part of the wall, it makes no difference if I was there or not)

They actually surprised me with a friggin cake for me. I was so shocked and speechless, and just so dumbfounded. I never would have expected they would do something like this for me….and when we all ate cake, I knew I had to say my piece. So I thanked them for everything (even though it was the semi truth..) and that it was a great experience for me- which honestly, even though I was saying how much I hate it, I don’t regret this expeirence at all. I feel like it really taught me what to look for and what to do and not do etc. When I Was talking I got a little emotional, and I didn’t cry, but J had to blurt it out saying, “I told you she’ll cry!”………… Thank god I didn’t cry..but he really just had to rub the fact that I’m a fucking cry baby out loud… hooraay fantastic baby.

Well now that I’m typing this all up now, what’s left is the Reference letter they oh so promised to give me…which, now is 3 days gone, I have yet to see a reference letter in my email inbox…. I feel like that is what’s preventing me from moving on, and all I can think of is, ‘Where the hell is that letter they said they’ll give me…’ And in all honesty, I think they won’t give it to me. One because I’m a major pessimistic, but two, because…I feel like I didn’t do ANY sort of important work there….there should be no reason for a fucking letter… -_- Ugh…but the funny thing is, they kept saying they’ll give me one and the fact my contract says there would be one… And well…where is it? There is none! Whaddyaknow!

Anyways… this is getting long….besides from waiting for the never-gonna-get-sent reference letter, I’ve been trying to work on my own projects and trying to juggle other things like making cosplay stuff and working out…. I just really hope I won’t go back down that negative rut I was in before working there…because 2016 was a very tough year for me… Sighs. I’ll update more on future plans, I already made my 2017 goals, so I’m just gonna hope and pray that I’ll stick to it and …well, hope that this year, something awesome may actually happen.

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[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

The Ups and Downs in my Life…(Update-ish)

Hey all….how have you all been?

This is a semi quick update (probably not, since i tend to ramble on and on). Hope everything is well on your end. Me? Hm…should you even ask? Of course my life has been crappy as always.

I think the last time I updated was about 2 months or so, and my life has been pretty up and down. Of course being my life, there’s been mostly “down” days and today is no exception.

I guess let’s start with the “good” updates… Some things that I have been really working on is my driving. I would like to get my license soon (yes….I still don’t have my G2 -__- blame my driving anxiety….) , because I keep watching “What’s in my car” videos from Youtubers..and it really gets me motivated to want a car and to be able to drive to places without having to rely on people or the damn bus…
Though, I made a bad mistake a week ago, where I misjudged another car behind me and long story short….I pretty much cutted him off.. -.-// and he honked at me…horray…. >.<!–////// I still to this day feel so bad and stupid for doing something like that…but, I tell myself that I should expeirence mistakes like this..otherwise I won’t learn……..right?

The other thing is that I’m being pretty adamant about working on my projects. Not sure if I mentioned here on this blog, but I have an on-going Manga (which I have worked on for more than 4 years O_O already…) but I haven’t really been fully into it until now. THe past few years I had school, and my drawing phases kept coming and going etc. But probabaly  not until this year (cuz obviously I just have so much time) I’ve been pretty focused and obsessed (lack of a better word) with it, which is a good thing. I have had thoughts of possibly uploading it onto the internet…I dunno, I’m still scared of the whole copying thing..and just always thinking that my story isn’t interesting blah blah excuses, but whatever, I still think about possibly doing it. Or even self publish it or something, that’s another thing I have been reading up on.
But the gist of it all, I’m glad to have found something to keep me going…sometimes I do have writers block or days when my drawings look like shit…(like today) but most of the time I try to get at least 2 pages done…..so yeah.

Now…onto the problems of my life. Yipee.

So, the main thing is pretty obvious. I still don’t have a job. BUT. Yesterday I had to make a phone call with an HR from one of the studios I applied to (and damn I was anxious out of my mind, I cry..serioisly ) and pretty much, she just told me that I have to do a test for them. In a way I don’t know why I had to call her…unless she wanted to hear my voice and just…I dunno, test the waters? BUt she was nice, so yeah…there’s that I got to do. I’m pretty nervous about the test, because I want to do well….but I find that I really can’t see the mistakes to make them better.

Uh…anyways, back to the whole “problem”, yes I have some sort of opportunity which I am grateful, but when the HR lady emailed me for the phone call, I actually thought I was going into an interview…and it turns out it’s just a test..which is still back to square 1. Nonetheless, it is an opportunity, so…I should just go and give it my all.

THe other problem is just…my mindset. Lately I’ve been letting my mind/ emotions get the better of me. I find myself ALWAYS thinking of something to put myself down. I’ve also been “triggered” a whole lot recently. Everything just trips me up. And the one thing that keep occurring is my younger sister. I know I mentioned many times that….I always compare myself to her. I don’t know why, but the past few years, it has become so predominant, that….it’s just unbearable, and I would have to seclude myself somewhere to catch my thoughts and rethink things.

My sister started university and let’s just say she’s in a more academic program…like, really academic. I went to a College, and studied artsy stuff and whatever. All of my cousins are pretty much academic-y and, there are times during family parties, they would always talk to her about school and stuff and I’m just there. Actually a really bad experience was during my birthday party (with just my family)…and it was such a bad day, everyone kept talking to my sister and giving her all the attention…and I just sat there at the dinner table…so upset and angry. (Actually reliving those memories and typing them right now is not a good idea…as I’m actually f-ing crying…)

Please don’t get the wrong idea…I hate getting all the attention. But, I also want for people to notice me and not shove me away like I’m nothing. That’s exactly how I feel..and I was devastated on that day. And on my birthday party too, how amazing to feel that way.

Anyways, I’m just always thinking negatively because of her. Sometimes I blame her…which is not right. I know that. But I can’t help it..I’m just so unhappy with my life, I can’t stop hating her. It’s hard to admit it…but I’m just poisoning myself more and more and damaging all of the relationships I have.

There are more things that she does, like doing stuff that I do. She starts eating spicy foods like me, she starts to change up her hair schedule/ routine  like mine, she low keys listens to the same type of music as me…………is this funny? Half of me knows that it’s stupid to waste my time and energy on getting angry because she’s copying me, but the other half says, “She’s going to replace you soon.”
And that’s pretty much it. I’m afraid she’ll be me…….but better. She has more friends, she’s smarter and apparently my whole family favours her more.

What am I then? What’s the point of me being here then if she’s going to just be Me 2.0?

I”m getting ahead of myself, but it’s just those thoughts that keep reminding myself that I’m no good. I”m just a giant bundle of negativity, huh?

I really want to move away from her (away from everyone to be honest..)…I don’t want her to keep seeing what I’m doing, and I damn don’t want to know what she’s doing. I want to start a new life, where I don’t have to see her and compare myself with her everyday. I just wish that I’m either a only child or…maybe a different gender from her. That is another reason why I really want to do well on this test, because the studio is in another province….and on the other side of the country.
I hate myself for comparing and getting jealous over my sister…..I wish every time I would do that, my memory would get erased and I wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to say….the last chunk is pretty much what I’ve been dealing with lately. I know it’s wrong to think of my sister like that…but I really can’t help my negative thoughts from forming. I want to be my own person, someone who can be recognizable and known for something. I just feel like every time she “copies” me, she’s taking all of the things that makes me unique.

I don’t know what to say next…but, I”m like crying again…yay… I was debating whether or not I should post this because I knew I had to “unlock” these memories again…but today wasn’t that great, and the previous day wasn’t either and etc etc. Sighs……… Anywho…If anything else comes up…I’ll definetly update again……but until then…..see ya…

I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.

Quick update

Hey all….it’s been…a while, yes, did you see that coming? Anyways, like the title it’s just kinda like a little update, and pretty much what the title is about. Quick update……yes….still on the job hunt. I’ve actually went to a job fair (more like forced myself to go) about a month ago. I actually “diary vlogged” myself going through that “rough time” as it was super stressful and my anxiety was shooting up to the roof… it was not fun. But I made myself go, and well, I didn’t get any offers…but the fact I did my best and went to the studios that I aimed for, I felt proud of myself for doing that….
About that diary log…I actually filmed that for my YouTube channel. It’s something I wanted to try out, but yeah, I just felt like sharing it and other videos I film on my copious amounts of spare time. Not sure yet if I feel comfortable about linking my channel….but..maybe one day… You could kind of say, my YouTube channel is a more “PG” rated version of this blog..lol, because of the fact that I don’t curse on there, and that I don’t go in full detail to how I’m feeling. Not saying I’m acting fake on it, but I do put up some wall so not everything is shown- you know? In my blog is definitely a lot more personal…

 

Anyways, after this post there’s going to be a hella serious posts. I’m going through another shit time.. so yeah.