My First Week as a Intern…

Warning: Long ass post….

Hey everyone…Happy 2017! I hope you all had a fun and safe New Years, as for I, I hung out with family…pretty standard, since I hardly go out to parties, especially now that I live in place that’s literally in the middle of nowhere…..

Now….let’s begin this “update” / “kinda rant” post… This will be a continuation from my previous post, where I talked about going into an interview for an internship. Well, my first day was this Tuesday (Jan 3) and let me just say….it was one of the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced. Going back a few weeks ago when I got the news that I actually got the job, I could not stop thinking about it. It took over my life and it seemed to really slow down my motivation to work on my current projects and other things, like I couldn’t fully feel invested in the current activity.

So the day before my start day, I got notification that my start date was moved a day later. It was originally 2nd, but since everyone else in the company apparently worked throughout the holidays, they took the 2nd off and everyone would come back on the 3rd. I remember feeling relieved, but at the same time worried again because I have to wait yet another day to begin this job. I had no idea what to expect; of course I had mainly negative things to foresee in this job, but I tried to make the best and think…it’s no big deal!………Right?

Well, was I ever wrong. My first day is what I consider a disaster. Firstly, I had to ask 3 people to double-check whether or not I was going in the right direction. I am terrible at navigating myself to places, and only rely on “visual landmarks” if that makes sense. I had to wake up friggin early, like 5:30 and we left around 6:15, and to travel to my bus station which is 40 minutes away. It was still dark and I literally could not see. Oh, it was heavily pouring rain too, that was a bonus! I had a legit panic attack as soon as I realized I could not find a way inside to the station and had to struggle to ask someone and she oh so graciously helped me and pretty much, I just had to keep walking straight…

OK, I get on the bus, ride another hour or so, to only get off and take my second bus…yeah, who the fuck does all of this commuting in the first place? Oh wait, me, because I’m a loser who is desperate to find work so I can safely tell people, I do work…. Anyways, I take my 2nd bus and I got off a wrong stop. Yay, I begin walking and it dawned to me that I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be. I had to ask yet another person and apparently, it was close by…so I had to keep walking and eventually after 15 or so minutes…I made it. For fucks sake, am I right?

Now I got there like 20 minutes early, so I just walked around and at the same time tried to tame my quickening heartbeat because as the time went by I just kept panicking more. There was absolutely nothing to do around there, as I described it in my previous post, there was nothing but factories and rundown buisnesses….it all just looked so sketchy and just… not appealing at all. Finally as the time became closer, I decided to go in. Holy shit, it took so many self talks to just keep walking to the front door..I was a friggin hot mess, not only physically because of the rain but mentally I was just so messed up from my anxiety. I got in, and literally it was dead quiet in there. I tried my best to not walk out and take the bus back home, but instead go and look for someone.

I peer into this office and to see apparently, the CEO of this place and I struggled to introduce myself and he told me to sit there and someone would come and get me…? Thankfully, just as I came in another woman walked in (she was one of the ones that interviewed me..) and she looked like she had never seen me before and it registered in her mind that I was the one that got picked and she took me upstairs where all of the computers were. I see pretty much a bit more familiar faces and it just all started to sink that…this was it. This is relaity…this is actually happening. I’m standing in a room full of strangers, who are going to be working with me. OMG. My heart rate just spikes up.

A guy who interviewed me, greeted me first, and I awkwardly said hi to him and tried my best to greet everyone there. The guy took me to my computer and told me I would be working there. It was slow as I just sat there where everyone else mingled and talked about their new years party. I just sat there awkwardly and the guy (not saying any names, let’s call him J) tried to include me and said I shouldn’t be shy and I should relax. Well shit, if he knew what I was going through and feeling right now, it’s not easy to just “not be shy and to relax”, like, hell no.

Apparently there was a meeting I had to join, so we all went in this room and I finally got to meet our leader ( I literally have no idea what his role is, he claims to have the 2nd in most control of the place) and he starts talking about current projects and his visions. THis place is a very, very, very small place to begin with, and they are seriously understaffed. Like what the actual hell. The leader starts preaching about what he wants for this company (oh and he swears a whole lot in front of us, this is a VERY casual/chill place….) and he starts yapping about how he hates how “older employers” look down on this company because we’re young (which is true, the average age for this place is like 26 tbh). Anyways, he kept talking about how he just wants us to keep working and says he doesn’t care if we’re sick, he wants results as fast as possible. OK, some may take that as just joking and overexagerating….no, I honestly feel he was being serious. Which scares me, because I was not planning on staying here long…

Meeting ended, and I was finally assigned something. I tried my best to do it and J checked in  to see how I was and whatever. Some time during the day, he was trying his best to teach me what should have been done…and I literally had to watch him work for like another hour. Oh btw, after the meeting, they all went to lunch. Do I drive? No I don’t, did I bring my lunch? Oh yes, I’m just that person! So everyone literally left and I was stuck there eating my lunch and doing my work, which is completely fine because everyone was gone…but the feeling of being left out? Ah I dunno, I didn’t care because honestly, I can say I cannot mesh or click with these people at all.

There was an older gentlemen, who didn’t go out to eat and I got a chance to talk to him. He initiated the convo obviously because, hello, I can’t speak first for shit. The day went on and things were just….riding along, I was still awkwardly glued to my seat because the only time I get up is to use the bathroom…-_-. I don’t exactly remember everything (trying to also block out the nightmares from it..) but the day ended, and I got to leave. Most of them stayed behind to do more work, but I’m all like get me the fuck out of here. So I left, and J was kind enough to actually drive me to the bus stop, because it was still pouring rain. Which…hoenstly gave me a positive impression of him, and I appreciate it. Going back home, is where I almost felt I got lost yet again, I had a mini panic attack in the bus as I was staring at the stop title monitor thing like a serial killer.

I had to ask someone and turned to the lady next to me, which startled her because I just randomly asked if the bus passed the street I had to get off and she said it hadn’t. What do you know, the next stop was the one and I got off and took the last bus to meet up with my mom so he could drive another fucking hour back home. Just to let you know, the total commute is about 3 fucking hours..ONE WAY. Awesome, huh?

Let me just say, I was very upset and overwhelmed with my first day. I had to talk to my mom and literally, cried my heart out because it was just so bad. It may not seem like it was a disastrous day, but honestly, I tried to block out all of those bad memories out and was just so fed up with everything. I was exhausted, mentally and physically and was just in a state of fear, anxiousness and worry. Almost like a nightmare, but was coming true and in reality. My mom tried her best to comfort me and I can tell she looked worried and also shocked to see me so upset. I told her I wanted to leave and not do this again and honestly, I truly felt that at the time. But I knew deep down I wanted to try for a week. My mom says it was just the first day blues and it was expected to feel overwhelmed because it my first day. But I felt so scared…I didn’t want to go back and I felt uncomfortable with the people around me. J and the older man are the only ones that I feel comfortable with.

It was a rough night, and so after the long talk with my mom, I took a shower to freshen up and slept early to go on the next day. I prayed (like every night), for a better day and to give me clarity so I can decided what I want to do with everything. So the next day came around and I got onto all my busses successfully, thankfully and got to the place. The day started the same, and J assigned me to fix something which I went to go do. Apparently they had another meeting, but the leader didn’t join them since he was on his phone, swearing up the place like it’s no big deal and eventually went to the meeting. I could hear them shouting and talking about everything, which made me uncomfortable again. And let me just say this…part of me had this feeling that something will blow up. I don’t know what, but I sensed an argument, or some sort of confrontation rising up.

Their meeting lasted about 2 hours, and J came back to see how I was doing, and apparently it was all good. Then the leader came to me to see what I was doing and I told him I was doing the next piece and he just snapped. He was yelling at J across the room, and saying how I should have the full list of things to do, and J told him that we was working on the rest. The leader was literally screaming at all of us, saying we’re not working together and that he needs to have everything all done by the certain day and blah blah blah. Like holy shit, he just exploded and yelled at all of us, and let me just say…that is not a good look. It was also something I didn’t need since I was already unsure about this whole place. And I think this was my clarity. I know I can’t control who I work with, but if I see that I’ll be working under some mad man like that guy…..fuck that, I don’t want to deal with his outburst ass.

But I thought of J, and I kept thinking, if I leave in a week (that was my first plan), not only does it look bad on my part but I would feel extremely guilty because J would be doing all of the work by himself. I always wondered why was I, the only intern on board, and I wanted to know why they couldn’t find others….oh right, because this place is not legit and I’m not getting paid, and that I’m working under a crazy person..

Ugh it’s hard remembering what happened since the past few days were so rough on me…. But on the same day, a guy who sits sorta next to me, tries to strike a conversation with me. Since I don’t initiate anything…I’m sure it’s awkward for everyone since they probably think of me as some quiet loner…which is very true…. Anyways, I don’t know how the topic came about, but we were talking about smoking… (the fuck…?) and he was like, “Oh, I can’t imagine (my name) smoking!” And I tend to have a habit of stuttering, especially when I’m in an uncomfortable position (24/7) and I was like, “N-no-no, I d-don’t s-s-smoke!” And you know what he did? He literally imitated my fucking stutter with his “girl” voice. Wow.

Now OK, some may think he’s joking and whatnot…but seriously…. That is not what I needed… Am I being a party pooper or something? Maybe I am…but, my 2nd day was better…but it still had moments where I just felt like I wanted to leave right away.

Now onto my 3rd day, I got back from work and honestly…..things kinda turned out alright. The beginning was a bit of a rough start because my leader came crashing in again and was close to having another outbursts. He wanted me to do something I am not comfortable with, so I told him I wanted learn something new instead. He actually liked the idea, and said it was good that I’m learning- in my head I was relieved he agreed but at the same time wondered if he really did care…all I wants is results fast….

So J sort of taught me, and despite him not consistently making sense, I felt I got the gist of everything. So I began to do my work and I think I got the hang of it. Everyone then all went to lunch….and I was left upstairs, glued to my seat…too afraid to go down to the kitchen to eat with everyone else. Yeah…..that was the low part of my day, I’m still not comfortable going down to see everyone having fun and laughing. I instead ate at my desk and worked…..

No one was in the room and I had a moment to myself which was what I needed since, I tend to go insane when I’m surrounded with people. While I was working I kept hearing everyone talking and laughing….. It honestly made me feel worse. I know, I brought it upon myself essentially, but I can’t just go down there like it’s nothing…It takes me so much energy and courage to even go up to someone and talk….

Day went on, and it kind of got better from there. J told me I did well on my task, which I obviously doubted his praise ( I always do…blame my insecurity with everything) and then for the last hour, we just talked. And it was kinda nice, he always has random things to say and the other guy (the one who mimicked me…) joined in, and we all just had small talks…but it felt…alright. LIke for a few minutes I felt, comfortable and not afraid even. I don’t know how it turned out like that…but it did.

Anyways, day ended, I missed my bus….had to wait in the cold for another 40 min, so that sucked, but other than that, my 3rd day….wasn’t AS bad. I’m still trying to accept the fact I have another week to go through, but I’m really trying here. I’m trying to be more confident and to be more positive about going into everyday. I’m trying to get up around 6:15 and push my ass to get ready and once I’m there, I’m trying to push myself to the front entrance. Yeah….I have backed out many times, but ended up walking in those doors….

In the end…I know that I will be getting experience out of this, no matter what. Experienced in my work, people, how to get to places etc. I know I have said I’m willing to only try a month…but I dunno. I still miss my old life, I miss the days I get to work on my projects in relative peace…I don;t know where everything will take me. I feel things happen for a reason…and I don’t want to always chicken my way out of everything….. Sigh, we’ll see I guess. I’ll try to keep posting, and if anything “major” happens of course…I’ll defiently be writing here.

[Update] An Actual New Chapter in my Life……?

Hey everyone, how have you all been? Yes…it’s been a while, I know. I say this so often it’s no surprise, right? Well… “a lot” has happened since the last time I posted, so I guess we’ll just get started on that.

 

First off, I’ll talk about the quickest bit first. I literally feel like my emotional levels are ridiculously unstable…like I’m not even joking right now. A lot of things have been going on and I really can’t seem to have a “good” day, and when I mean good day, I mean a day when I don’t go on an emotional rollercoaster and cry because of stupid things…-___- Yeah…I’m seriosuly a nutcase….

 

But…part of the reason why I’m so unstable is because, about a week ago I had to attend a job interview. Now, this position is an Intern position, and from what they had on the description, it sounded extremely ideal. Of course, I saw their name and I didn’t really recognize them, so I googled them…and found nothing. I was a little skeptic and worried honestly, but I applied anyways, cuz….why the hell not right?

 

LIterally the day after I get a call from this unknown number, and I obviously denied their call because..um…hello, I havephone anxiety also? #igotsomanyproblems. So I googled the number thinking it was one of those spammy people, and an actual company popped up. But I had no idea who they were, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I went on their site, and it showed random ads (projects that they worked on) and I was like, whaaaat, I never applied or heard of these people… So I ignored it.

A few minutes later, they called again and I didn’t pick and it was the same number…like what the hell, why do they have my number?! And then another 10 minutes later I get an email saying if I wanted an interview in a couple of days. This email was from the place I applied to yesterday, so I was shocked and obviously tremendously anxious again because of the thought of talking to strangers. But then it dawned to me…were they trying to call me? But that can’t be…they had a different name and I couldn’t recognize them…..

 

Well, what do you know, (this is like some plot twist in a movie…) hours later, after I kept thinking about who the f these people are, it dawned to me that they were the same exact company! At first I was like WTF, and seriously not impressed because they have completely 2 different names; one that is off the radar and the other one that did random ads for places?! Look, I’m going to be honest here, but if I googled the other name during my application, I would not have applied to this place, because it has nothing to do with the job posting!

 

But, after countless talks with my mom….and lot’s of tears….I decided to go for this interview, JUST to see what they are like and what they want. And…for expeirence as my mom calls it. So I went, and let me just say…the area the place was in was not what I expected. It was like super deserted and it’s like one of those places where all these factories are located…yeah…. So, I got there super early, like HA…. 4 hours early to be precise. My mom actually came with me because I’m an idiot and have no sense of direction, but i was glad she was there becuase then I would be so bored and awkward waiting at a sandwich shop… -_-///

 

Anyways, interview happened and I really don’t know how I feel about it, it was very different from the other ones I went to (not like I went to many..but..), and I found it really strange that they were almost trying to “sell” me the offer, like yes ok, you want people, but they were really making it sound like this is the best shit ever and that I’m so lucky that I was chosen for an interview, and that I would be learning and growing so much compared to other places. It just felt…..weird. And I’m sure I’m just being stupid ol me, but..I got a really weird vibe around this one particular guy (there were 3 people in the room- 2 guys and 1 girl, but she left halfway..), like I don’t know how to word it so it doesn’t make it sound like he’s bad or anything, but let’s just say I got a strange vibe from him….and that possibly if I worked here…things would get…awkward…… yeah, ok…

 

But overall, the interview in my opinion went fairly well. I’m the type that gets super super nervous in the beginning, but as soon as I start to warm up with the environment and people, it get a little easier for me, so they told me I have to do a test for them (wow, I’m not surprised!) and told me that apparently, the first 3 months would be…….UNPAID. Because they want to see if “I really want it.”….like …..what…. so that’s already something I’m not too fond of.

 

Fast forward, I did the test…and well…apparently I got it. I actually got the position. Now I’m here typing this because…I really don’t know if I should consider this a good thing…or a bad thing..becuase lately I have been thinking about being self employed and what not…but aaah..I dunno. After I found out the news, I literally had a gazillion more breakdowns and had to talk to my mom again and again….but..ultimately…I chose to go with it. And the thing is, what’s really making me keep applying and want a job is not because I really want it….. it’s so that I can shut people up whenever they ask me about the job hunt. Because I care too damn much about what other people think of me…..

 

Well, that wraps up this update…and…I honestly don’t know how I feel,- I know I’m supposed to feel good and happy…but I dunno, is it because of the place? Or is it because of how strongly I feel about self employment? Or maybe a mixture of both, because all I’m thinking about is how I won’t be drawing and working on my project as much anymore….. And well…my whole life style will be flipped upside down because I just won’t have time… I guess you can’t have everything…. But, even if I didn’t have a job…I still felt like i could just dive into my stories and get lost in there and not think about the realitly….And now that I can’t do that often…it scares me, because what if I get more depressed? What if I absolutely just hate everything…. what if,what if, what if….

 

Sighs…..2 words that pretty much sums up my life…..

My First “Embaressing” Cosplay Experience

Hey everyone, I was way too lazy to post this up (I typed this a week ago tbh) , but anywho a week ago I attended Anime North 2016! From previous posts, you may have noticed that I’ve attended Anime North for the last 2 years, and this year would be my 3rd year. I did something a little different though.
I decided to cosplay.
I’m not sure if I mentioned that in last months posts, but anyways, I decided to cosplay. Before we start with the whole Anime North post, I just want to kinda go in depth with how everything all went down. I was Mikaela ♥ from Owari no Seraph/ Seraph of the End. This post will kinda solely just be how I felt throughout the whole thing. My Anime North haul will be either after this post or before but yeah.

 
So, from my last Anime North 2015 post, I noted saying that I wanted to cosplay. Up until 2 months from now (beginning of April ish), I had a sudden drive to actually cosplay. So I went on Youtube and found a youtuber that really made me want to do it all the more. So she just inspired me even more, I just had to. Seeing her vlogs with her group of friends dressing up as characters from their favourite anime, just made me really happy and excited for Anime North. Mind you, she tends to go to a different con almost twice a month, so she’s got her fair share of chances to dress up and everything.

 

So back to the point, she inspired me a lot more. And so the past 2 months I’ve been doing just that. I felt so excited, especially in April, I was binge watching her vlogs and her tips on cosplay and she just looked like she had so much fun. And I guess, that’s when I started to have this image or idea in my head, that when I cosplay, everything is going to look amazing and cool and just….WOW. And boy did I have high expectations, and boy did it disappoint me.

 
Fast forward a few days ago, my mom and I were finishing up the last bits of my costume (we stayed up to finish until close to 2am the day before the con -_-) and managed to get everything all finished. I did several makeup tests and practiced on putting on a wig throughout the month so I made sure that on the day of, I wouldn’t be surprised and everything would seemingly go smoothly and “According to plan”. I’m a type of person that has high expectations of myself, people and how the day would pan through. Because I Had this mental image of that youtuber having so much fun with her friends…I kinda expected I Would be having a great time too. I know it all sounds so dumb…but really, maybe I was just delusional into thinking everything will run perfectly…sighs..

 
So I dressed up, it was extremely embarrassing at first, I had to commute on the train and all of these “normal” people stared at me and it was just making my anxiety just shoot up. But once I met up with my guy friend, (he was in cosplay too), things were a bit better. I have some pics….(not sure if I’ll take it down tho)

 

We got to the con a little late which was alright I guess, but it was just severely hot. I felt my whole body just dripping with sweat and I was just thinking, how the hell will I manage to survive the whole day?! We went and ate some lunch before we picked up our badge, and as we sat outside to eat I got to look and see everyone all in their costumes as well. I felt much better. I even saw characters that were from the same series as me, which kinda made me feel better but at the same time made me feel like, “omg, there’s more of us from that anime.” yeah, why did it affect me negatively, I dunno I’m stupid like that ok.

 
I think 6 or so people came up to me and asked me for a photo. Which I was just so surprised because I looked I dunno…weird -_-. But they did and I was just a mess but I didn’t turn them down because that’s rude, and I didn’t even practice my poses and whatever, I wasn’t even expecting to be asked for a photo but anyways, it was a nice experience but awkward because I just can’t do posing right…and I Keep thinking I look dumb..

 
So the day went on, the heat got worse and it was just so unbearable we had to keep going back to the room that had decent air con. I forgot to mention there was a group photoshoot from the series that my character was in, and at first I really wanted to go. But then, as soon as the day went on, I felt more and more nervous and I saw a good handful of people cosplaying as MIkaela. I requested to my friend we do a solo photoshoot, and lets say it didn’t go according to plan. There were many factors to it; mainly my physique wasn’t ideal (at least to me) I felt chubby all around and the photos didn’t turn out all that nice in my opinion, and I guess also what I wanted in the shots, my friend couldn’t really replicate it properly so everything for that solo shoot was kinda…..disappointing in a way.

 

But after all of that, we walked to the group photoshoot and I literally felt my anxiety spike up more. The more i Got closer, I saw so many of us from the anime and I was just super anxious and nervous and terrified. Despite all of us are nerds, I was so scared. I almost backed out because I was still not confident in my cosplay (even though it looked decent and I am happy with it), but seeing the others; some looked amazing and it intimidated me to be honest because it was so breathtaking. But my friend pushed me to go, and I thought I would definitely regret if I didn’t go…so I just went and joined the crowd. We kinda went a little late and in a way that’s a good thing because we just went right into the photoshoot.
Everything went well, until 3 incidences came up. With me, I’m the type if even the smallest, insignificant thing happens, my day goes to shit. It will bring my mood down, I would feel crappy for the rest of the day and I would be thinking about it my whole life. Yes, I”m just that hard on myself and I dunno, maybe that’s why I complain and am depressed a lot because like I said in the beginning, I have high expectations on myself and everyone and everything around me. So the shoot went on, and we had this pairing photoshoot, and in the series there is a really popular ship (I totally ship it to the max), and that includes me (Mika) and Yuu. So there were tons of MIkas (I think 9 of us? ) and there was like probably 8 Yuus, and you can already tell….we have 1 too many Mikas.

 

So the pairing started and I at the time didn’t know how many of us Mikas, were there, I just knew there were too many Mikas, I just didn’t know we were off by 1, you know? So I was looking around and hopefully find my Yuu (if you watched the series, this is just totally otp ok). And then I see this guy who was Yuu looking just as confused and I quickly waved my hands to him and he went over to me and we did this pose together. I looked over and some of the pairs were getting into the whole pairing thing (which is fine because like I said, otp) so my partner put 1 arm around me and you know what I did? I wrapped BOTH arms around him so it’s like this weird hug, like 1 arm around the back and the other across the front, does that make sense? In the anime, Mika hugged Yuu like that..so I was in character…but I’m just thinking right now (because I just always overthink things), I was probably way to “clingy” and too straightforward, you know? I’m pretty sure I may have made the guy…uncomfortable which I regret so much..and I’m so embarrassed because…I dunno why I did that… (( Yeah, If that guy so happens to reads this, I dunno how….but I apologize if I weirded you out…? I was just trying to be in character and everything…ugh..I apologize… >___<)) Here was this pose I was picturing in my head…….. Yeah, kinda like that >o< I was the blonde guy btw

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So the host told us to switch poses and said we should do the iconic pose that Mika and Yuu does in the opening credits. I’ll insert a pic here to show you what I mean.

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And so my partner was like, “I don’t want to do that with someone I don’t know.” and I literally was like…OK..I get it, he’s probably just so uncomfortable with me and we just stood there awkwardly because everyone else was doing it and we just stood there…fuck it literally hurts when I’m rethinking of it. I’m not saying I’m pissed he didn’t cooperate, I feel like if I didn’t hug him the way I did, he may have felt more comfortable…I dunno….

 
So after, the host told us to switch and do this other pose, and it involves Yuu stabbing Mika..I know, if you don’t know the series, I’m sure it sounds morbid but, anyways. My partner didn’t have a sword and he kinda went off to the side and said something like he didn’t have a sword and some random person lent him one. He came back, and there was another Mika on the end (not sure if she was there before tho) and he literally turned and did the pose with the other MIka. So pretty much, he ditched me and I stood there like……so awkward and just…walked out of the stage. As soon as those things happened…I wanted to leave. I didn’t know what else to do, I was embarrassed and just….everything wasn’t going well…

 

The last shit thing that happened was pretty much similar to the 2nd one, and it was me being left out. I’m not the initiative type, I don’t just go up to someone and act (even though I hugged the guy, it was out of pure “I-have-to-strike-a-pose-do-something” type of thing and I just acted on that). There was just another pose and we had to do and yeah, I was the odd man out, and I left the stage again. I didn’t hear this clearly, (my mind could have made me form it differently) but I overheard someone say, “Why does that one keep walking out”. And I was just….so done…..I had enough…

 

This may all seem extremely stupid and you’re probably thinking, it’s all for fun why be so serious and worry about such small things…but I’m just like that. I had this expectation that my cosplay experience will go well and that everything would go perfectly fine just like how that Youtuber was with her group of friends. It went nothing like that, I was left…pretty much upset that nothing lived up to my expectations..and the fact I embarrassed myself out there just really was the cherry on top.

 

Yes, overall the con was great…but like I said, even if just 1 little tiny bad thing happens…the day turns upside down. And pretty much, I tried to keep a happy face for my friend, I did tell him about the general part of what happened, but deep down I Was devastated. I was so dissapointed and upset that it came to that. I’m overthinking this all aren’t I, I’m actually tearing up as I’m typing this because the embarrassment hit me dead hard…..Why can’t I just be happy for once…

 

Anyways, this post is just a more in depth of how everything turned out. I don’t regret going to the group photoshoot, I’m glad I had that experience…I just wished I wasn’t so.. clingy and awkward and just….embarrassing… Not sure if this post will go up before my mini Anime NOrth Haul, but yeah…. sighs…didn’t come back 100% happy…but that’s my life…there’s always something bad to think about…

I wish to be a better person

OK, this was supposed to be posted a few days ago, the same day as the “Update” posts, but I had so much sewing to do for my cosplay (Which will be the next post after this) But yeah, like I said this a continuation-ish from the Update post. On with the post…

 

 

Pretty much, this post is just about how I’m feeling throughout 2016.  Because of my unemployment, the past 2 years (can’t believe it’s been this long…), I feel like I really am going on a downward spiral. I find myself comparing myself to people (aka my sister and sort of my cousins) with the most idiotic things. I would get angry/jealous and super depressed after just one comparison that goes through my mind. I would always remind myself of how pathetic I am and how worthless I am because I still can’t find work. I would wake up, look outside and just think of all of the people working, and then look at myself whose…just doing nothing.

 
My anxiety is holding me back, it’s definitely gotten a lot worse. I feel more insecure about myself, and every little thing triggers all these negative emotions in me. No matter how many times I would tell myself that It’s not worth worrying…I just cry. I cry a lot. Not everyday, but I cry so often I wonder my existence. I’ve consulted to my mom so many times, I could see she’s trying to help as much as she can, which I’m very grateful…but it still doesn’t help. I can’t stop my mind from going down the downward spiral and it hurts everyday.

 
Waking up, feeling like you should have a purpose, but you don’t…it’s just killing me every second. I don’t know what I’m here for. I’ve pushed so many people away because I don’t want them to know the true nature of myself. I’ve ignored and lost so many friends because I’m too scared and ashamed to tell them my “new life after college”. I’ve probably disappointed everyone i meet, my parents probably think of me as a loser who just can’t do anything right.

 
I want to be a better person. I want to be happy again, I want to start to enjoy my hobbies again. The feeling of myself being immersed in my own stories, or creating new characters and worlds with a sketch of a pencil. None of that makes me happy anymore. Because whenever I do any of my hobbies, I would always remind myself, “What are you doing, you’re not worthy of having fun and being happy. You’re supposed to get a job and start somewhere.”

 

 

I try. I try everyday, to make the most of my life. But it always ends the same, I would cry to myself at night, and the continuous negative thoughts would just keep ringing in my ear. Never would I have thought would I be so depressed and lost…I would have never guessed it or imagined it. I Guess the only reason why I’m here is so other people can just pass by me in life, and feel good about themselves, knowing that there is that one girl (me)….who isn’t going anywhere.

Another Stupid Reason to Worry…

Hey everyone, I have another posts that’s not about my depression- whaaat, much surprise!
Well, anyways, from the title you can figure out what it will be about. So from my previous posts last year, I attended an Anime convention called Anime North. I will be going this year as well…but I would be cosplaying!

This will be my third time going to this con, but this is the first time I would be legit cosplaying. This thought never occurred to me when I bought my ticket, but just this past month or so, I kept thinking of wanting to cosplay. And so, I’ve bought my fabric, got some random accessories, footwear and even the wig! I’m literally going all out on this cosplay, which sucks because I am only attending one day which I regret miserably.

Now….the problem. Of course, I always have a problem. So, first off, I don’t want to say too much of who I’ll be cosplaying (not like anyone cares), but for the first month when I’ve decided to cosplay, I was so hyped. Like super excited and everything, I would watch vlogs of people going to conventions in there costumes and it would only fuel my motivation and excitement to cosplay. And during that time, I Was watching the show that has the character that I would be dressing up as. And you know me, and if you read some of my other posts, that I like to take my time with the shows that I watch. I’ve finished the first season about a week ago and, here is where part of my problem comes in. I feel because I’ve finished season 1, I’m kinda lacking the motivation to cosplay this character -_-

My, I have too many issues don’t I? And of all of the things to worry about, this for some damn reason is taking the cake. Here is the thing, there is a season 2 thats out, but I’m restricting myself to watch it because if I do, I know for sure I will definitely lose motivation. IN my mind, I rather restrict myself for a few weeks before I begin to watch season 2 and then when the con begins, I would have this “Fresh image/feeling” of the show and character and I will mentally feel better being that character- does that make any sense whatsoever?

It’s been about almost 2 weeks since I Last watched it, and even though I got all my supplies and even ordered my wig…..I have this weird feeling like it won’t turn out good. And that leads to my next point, I’ve been kinda binge watching this YouTuber who cosplays with her group of friends and they all look amazing. She vlogs herself whenever she goes to conventions and they all would do cool photoshoots and everything, so pretty much, I Have this image of how my cosplaying day would be like.

But I’m not her. I tend to compare myself to everyone, and the same things goes with cosplaying (stupid, I know..) But pretty much, I’m just scared that the day would end, and I would feel like it was nothing what was shown in her vlogs. I would like to do a photoshoot but posing on my own is scary..not only that there will be so much anxious feelings, i may even talk myself out of it.

Wow, this problem is just stupid. I’m just worried that I will come back home with a whole bunch of regrets and just post convention depression. It sucks. it’s like I’m hyping it all up for something that would only be a day for me… I guess it’s kinda like going to a concert for some people.

And another point, is I know I shouldn’t care about this, but the character I’m planning to dress up as is in a “popular” show, and I see my character being picked so many times, and it kinda makes me feel unoriginal and not unique..and I Guess not proud to be that character. I know what you’re going to say but everyone has their freedom to be however they want…but maybe it’s all from my copying pet peeve…I dunno…..uugh -.-

Anyways, so up till now, I can feel my motivation dying down. I don’t know what to do, and I know its such a stupid and random problem, but it’s really getting to me. I tried to tell myself, to go and have fun….but I feel something is missing. I missed that hype I had a month ago, and if I still had that, I would be so much happier in my costume, and I would go out proudly with it. But something has changed…I don’t know, a lot has happened lately, and I Just don’t feel as motivated anymore. It’s kinda like my life, I would one day just lose all sort of motivation and just cry because I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore.

I should wrap this up, I may update another post about it, but for right now, I am not the slightest bit happy/excited about this cosplay idea…in fact…I kinda feel like I’ll regret it.

A little update..

Hey everyone, its been a while..(again!) I am alive…great I guess, oh crap the french e on my keyboard is acting up again..-_- ?? oh there its fixed

A little update is that well…..still looking for a job. No surprise there! -_- A few weeks ago though I decided/push/forced myself to go to this recruitment party thing downtown. I was scared shitless, you have no idea. But I went. I did it. Haven’t heard back from them, but I’m trying to be positive here. At least I went to give it a shot. And I’m glad that I did…even if nothing really came out of it..sighs.

Besides from job searching, I find my comparing myself countless of times to others. comparing myself with other people is such a poison to one’s life. I’m in that boat and I just can’t seem to get out. It sucks. I keep comparing myself to my younger sister. Her life has been going so well, she’s been doing things and making progress whereas I’m in the same friggin position. I try to do things that make me happier and to distract myself from other things but it just doesn’t help. My sister will be living off with my grandma (cuz we moved and the condo we’re in is too far from her school) and she pretty much has a shot at living on her own, getting to set her own rules and literally be with her friends. Me….well….of course I’m still with my family. Not saying being with them is bad, but do you see how much freedom I get? I can’t stop thinking about it…it hurts, it sucks…I just really hate my life.

Not only that my birthday is less than a week away, and I should be happy about it. No I’m not, I’m far from happy. I can’t even think straight, being another year older it just another reminder that a years passed and still no accomplishments. I’m such a pessimist, yay..

Anyways, what makes matters even more craptastic, I just sent a resume and cover letter to a studio (which the position is very ideal for me)….and guess what? I have a friggin beautiful typo on it! Wow, if things couldn’t get any worse. Guess what I mistyped “programs” with?

Prograsm.

yes.

Prograsm.

Are you fucking kidding me??? fuck my life to that max, there’s goes my shot at another possible chance. you’re probably wondering how the hell did I type that in? Well, I have 2 cover letters, and there was line in one of them I decided to copy and paste in, and I guess, Word just went haywire and programs became prograsm. And Word
didn’t even notify that mistake too, thanks Word…
So now I’m debating whether or not I should resend it. Maybe I should…ugh but I don’t want to seem desperate and annoying. But then I don’t want to sound dumb either..

Anyways, I have to go…life is always just super grand for me….

Learning new things… is scary…

Hey everyone again, I just need to write some of these things down to try to get some of the stress off my chest… Ok here it goes… (and you probably know what the topic is going to be about..)

So, about a week or 2 ago, my friend from college got hired at a Studio. Naturally, it felt bitter sweet, because I was happy for him and at the same time, I felt like crap because I personally didn’t get anything. He applied to a position where he had to do compositing and this other one that’s called a “Stereo artist”. Of course, we both graduated from the same school with animation, and being a stereo artist and compositor isn’t exactly animation. Though its more like under the same umbrella and stuff, but it’s still way different from animation.

He told me about the job posting before he got hired and said I should try it out. I was hesitant because I was afraid. I was scared to try new things, don’t get wrong I like to try new things…to a certain extent. I was afraid to learn a whole new line of work; I tried reading up on what a stereo artist does…and honestly, I tried, but I really couldn’t understand it. I’m a visual learner, I need someone to literally show me step by step what it actually means. The only plus side to it all is that it’s in a city that’s not too far from where I live. And not only that, since my friend got hired, I was thinking I have someone I know in that city and could possibly house together.

Ok ,so a week ago, I applied and just yesterday…..they called me back. 😮 Yeah, they called me, and I was in total shock. At first, to be really honest, I was so happy. I literally thought that morning, “Hm,…I wonder if I got that job?” and there you have it, they called me that afternoon. But then the anxiety started to set in, and I was like..” am I really going through with this?” and “I have to call them back…crap..” And of course, being the person blessed with social anxiety…I didn’t call them back. -__-

So here I am, typing this the next day, I’ve been thinking about it all morning and night, even losing sleep over something so stupid. I just don’t know if I should go with it. I trained for 3 years to be an animator, and I like animating (I should do more animating though, may i add) … but this stereo artist stuff, is not in my field..literally.

And You’re probably asking, “then why on earth did you even bother applying?” Well, because I felt intimidated that my friend got something and I didn’t. This was my fear, when I was back in college. I had thoughts like, “wow, after all this, I have to find work…” “how can I work when I’m so scared all the time?” and that fear came true…6 months now, since I graduated, I haven’t worked.
I applied to retail and only 2 has called me back, and because I was also looking for a full time in animation they decided not to hire me. As for animation, 2 placed called me, the one in Vancouver and now…the one from yesterday.

Another thing to is that, my friend said they give you a 2 day tutorial, and then a test afterwards, so I don’t know if they actually teach you and stuff, but he said he had to do a simple bouncing ball exercise. You`re also thinking, “well thats good, they teach you and everything.. whats the problem?” honestly…the problem is the fact, I don’t really want to learn it. I want to just do animation stuff, and maybe down the road I’ll try something else. I know…stupid stubborn me…:(

Sighs, I’m just so scared I won’t be able to get anything. It embarrassing already that my family members ask me about my job hunt, or seeing old friends asking me what’s up and I tell them, I still don’t have a job. It sucks. 😦 I don’t know anymore. To be honest…I have felt depressed over and over, and sometimes I feel like disappearing. I Just want to forget about it all…

BUt then I think of my mom, which I care so much. >_< uuugh, I don’t even know, I don’t think I will go with that job, I tried to convince myself millions of times, but I just ended up crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe its also because there was another opening at a studio in Ottawa, (which is even farther..) but that was a animation position. A layout artist to be exact,and they don’t require experience at all! Yes it farther, but at least I know what I’m doing.. I’m not doing some project like a chicken with its head cut off. The thing is with that, is that I tried applying to that place yesterday, but gmail sent the email back and said it didn’t go through or something -__- I’m just hoping I would at least get a chance to send it in, please…I rather do that instead of this…. (watch me freak out later about it…)

Anyways..this is longer than I wanted, I just wanted to vent out. I didn’t sleep well last night because of you know what, and worrying about not being able to send my email is bad enough. I hope things do get better…I pray that I’ll be able to get a job that I can handle… >.< Hoping that things will get better….